Fearless (14 page)

“You are so amazing,” I murmured against her neck. “This looks great with the candles, Niki. I’ve been waiting for days to get you in my arms like this, four tortuous, lust filled days…”

“Did you bring any wine?” She paused, holding a container of fried rice poised for its landing spot on the table amongst the other Chinese dishes.

I jerked my head up “Fuck, I knew I forgot something. I can go get some.”

“It’s okay.” She set the box down. “I think there is a bottle in the fridge.” She peeled away, out of my arms, to retrieve the wine. She looked almost fairy like, walking barefoot to the fridge, her hair swooshing out as she spun free of me.

I looked down at her feet with a puzzled expression. “Where are your shoes?”

She giggled and returned with the uncorked bottle in hand. “I’m a free spirit. I can wear what I want in my own apartment.” She pushed down on my shoulders. “Sit down, sweetie.” She poured me a glass of wine, smiling an endearing - yet wicked - smile. The shoes didn’t matter. She wanted me. That’s what mattered. As incomprehensible as that was to me, at times, I was just damn pleased as fucking punch that this gorgeous, smart, and talented girl wanted me. What made her want me? Hell if I knew. I wasn’t a lawyer like her last boyfriend or even the kind of guy who traveled in her dad’s circle of friends. They were all refined and educated. And I was…not.

After what seemed like an hour, we sat with dirtied plates shoved aside. The red candle wax had melted down the sides of the two glass holders. Niki leaned her elbows on the table and swirled pale gold Chardonnay, watching as it rotated in the glass. She looked up and I couldn’t even speak. I didn’t want to speak, I just wanted to enjoy the view. We sat that way for the longest time, savoring the moment. I held her stare, smothering myself with the look in her hooded green eyes. Finally, Niki interrupted the silence. “Let’s take our wine to the living room and relax on the couch.”

She stood and came to my side, trailed her fingertips down my arm, leaving a rash of goose bumps in their wake, and gently pulled me behind her by the wrist. After lowering the lights, she gracefully carried the two candles into the living room and placed them on the wooden coffee table with our wine glasses. I slouched back into the soft cushions of the couch and gently patted the seat next to me, a signal that I wanted her perky ass next to mine, right under my arm, which was draped across the back of the couch. But she’d have none of that, just yet. So I watched, studied her, adored her for a few moments, with the candlelight casting elegant shadows on her beautiful face.

“You said your manager needed my information for the plane ticket to New York.”

“Yes, just your full name as it appears on your ID and birthday.”

She reached for a pen and notepad from an end table, which was of the same matching design as the wooden coffee table, and scratched something on the small white paper. She handed me the note and slipped into the space I had carved out for her under my arm. “I wrote it down for you. Here…”

March 17 1991. Note to self: Remember that date for future reference.

“Thanks, he will order the tickets tomorrow, I think.” I smiled and pocketed the note. She reached for her glass of wine and tucked herself up next to me. I pulled her close, burying my nose in the gentle waves of her hair and inhaling its scent.

“I’m glad you arranged your class schedule so you can come with me.”

She tipped her head up and gave me a warm look. “I can’t wait to go to New York.”

“How do you feel about meeting the rest of my crazy family? You know Kenny and the story of my screwed up family tree…”

She rested the back of her head against my arm and looked up to the ceiling as she spoke softly. “Mostly excited. I’m glad your mom is better but I’m a bit nervous about meeting her.”

“Don’t be. She’ll love you, baby,” I said and took her hand. My eyes followed the slope of her nose, tracing her profile in the dim light of the room. I had never seen anyone as beautiful as Niki looked tonight, settled here next to me on the couch. Not just because she was gorgeous. Because she had agreed to go with me to New York and meet my family. She didn’t even know how much I wanted her there. How much I needed her support. Even if it was only for two weeks.

“Has anyone told your mom about Kenny being your dad yet?”

“Jimmy knows; but we agreed it’s better to wait, so I can tell her in person. After we meet with my team managers in Manhattan, we’ll head up to Thunder Ridge. I’m sure it will be a shock for her. I just hope she takes it well.”

Niki smiled encouragingly. “Let’s hope so, anyway. Keep a positive attitude. Women are mysterious creatures. Haven’t you heard of women’s intuition? She may have suspected all along. Women can sometimes tell these things, you know.”

“Tell me about it.” I sure as hell couldn’t figure out women. If I could, I’d write a book about it and make millions of dollars. Who was I to say why my mom did what she did? I was sure she had her reasons and maybe I was about to discover them. Or maybe not. Shit. Maybe I didn’t want to know anymore. Ignorance is bliss; maybe I should just let it be and let everyone move on with their lives.

“She never acted like she had any suspicions. Plus, that year Kenny lived with us after my dad died, she didn’t really act like she wanted Kenny around. You know, if she’d wanted a relationship with Kenny, that would have been her opportunity. But then Kenny left.” I glanced down and realized that my hand was clenched tightly against my thigh.
Relax, idiot. Don’t ruin this time with Niki.

“How do you feel about Kenny now? Have you come to terms with any of this?”

The conversation just took a turn down the deeply personal isle. I inhaled.

“It’s hard to forgive someone after a betrayal. I thought I knew him. Hell, I was living under his roof, eating his food, helping at the bar, yadda, yadda…you know the story. And then bam, the shit hit the fan and I’m in a world of hurt. So I thought about it all and hey…we’re family. I mean, so Kenny tarnished my view of him – get over it. My dad died when I was a kid – deal with it. Family members lie to each other all the time. So what? Forget about it and move on. I was tired of all the pain and hurt so in my mind. I forgave him.”

She stared at me again, her eyes seemed full of admiration and awe. “Jesse, that’s so great. If you were seeing a therapist they would be doing the happy dance. It takes some people years to get to the point where they can forgive.”

“Now I just have one more hurdle with my mom, when we get to Thunder Ridge. I have to take it easy on her. She’ll just be getting out of the care facility. That’s why I need you there with me. You’re my mainstay. You will keep me from going high and to the right.”

“I’m excited to meet her and I’ll be there for you, whatever happens, babe,” she murmured and placed her slender hand on my arm. I fought the urge to lay her back on the couch and kiss her until I couldn’t breathe. But she smiled at me and everything felt right in the world, which was unusual for a sorry ass bastard like me. So I settled for cuddle and talk time.

“I love this time of year in California, when the really hot heat of the summer is over.”

“You’re going to love upstate New York in September. Be sure to pack clothes for cool weather, especially for night…and the leaves on the trees…the colors are
fantastic
at
this time of year...” I stopped talking and watched her face, monitoring her for signs of recognition.

I noticed that Niki became distant. Her gaze flickered and it seemed like she was on another planet all of a sudden. She blinked and looked up at me, coming back to life. I waited a few seconds before I cut through the silence.

“Hey, are you okay, Niki?” I took her wine glass out of her hand and set it on the coffee table.

“Sorry, I just spaced out there for a moment.” She sat up on the edge of the couch with me and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I noticed. You were like in a different world. What were you thinking about?”

“I was thinking about our trip and...sometimes I zone out like that. It’s something I have been doing ever since I was a kid. I have ADD, you know.”

“Oh, is that a problem for you? You don’t seem hyper at all, to me.” She relaxed and leaned back into the couch again and pushed her hair up with one hand, holding it momentarily then letting it fall. I wished she wouldn’t do that because it just tempted me to grab her. I cocked my head to the side and studied the delicate, beautiful girl on the couch beside me.

“No, I don’t have the hyper element but I sometimes have trouble focusing on tasks or conversations.”

“Oh, I see. Do you take anything, like medication, for it?”

“Not anymore. I used to, as a kid, but it messes with my ability to be creative. That’s not so good when I want to be a designer, I kinda need to be creative to do that. So I avoid the drugs and that’s why I zone out from time to time, like you just saw.”

My heart warmed as I stared at this incredibly perceptive woman. She had more shit to deal with at school than I had realized. It must have been a challenge to study with ADD and she had already completed one degree. She was even more remarkable than I had thought.

“Niki, you amaze me every day, the more I learn about you. I can’t wait to show you off to my family. But did you hear me tell you to pack some warm clothes?” I felt like an idiot; I didn’t know if when she ‘zoned out’ she remembered what we were talking about or not. “And the part about the leaves?”

She laughed and swatted at my arm. “Geez, Jesse, I’m not deaf… Of course I know about the weather and the trees and the leaves in New York. I lived there, remember? I told you I went to boarding school there for a while.”

“Sorry, I’m a duffus. You did tell me but I’m afraid I’m remiss in my duties as a good boyfriend and I haven’t been hanging on your every word…so refresh my memory, please.” I gave her my best puppy dog eyes, which drew a smile from her.

“Okay, pour me some more wine. It only seems fair. I know your crazy life story, now I’ll tell you some of mine.”

I obliged and settled in, stuffing a small decorative pillow behind me, as I reclined.

 “After my mom died, I kind of didn’t take it very well.” She changed her position and pulled her legs up, so she was sitting cross-legged on the seat of the sofa. “I had trouble in school. I didn’t even want to go to school, so I ditched. And at home, well, I became a royal little bitch. I missed my mom so much, Jesse. It just hurt so badly and all I wanted was for her to come back. So I screamed, threw tantrums like a two year old, anything to stop the hurt… and so on. That’s when my dad couldn’t handle it anymore. But you already know this part.” She shifted on the couch, holding the wine glass in one hand and tracing around the rim with the finger tip of her other.

“Yeah. You told me this much the night we went to hear Kat perform. What happened after that?”

She closed her eyes and then opened them and paused for a moment while she stared into the wine.

“Do you know what a ‘cutter’ is?”

“Yeah, go to any school and ask, 'Do you know anyone who cuts?' And everybody knows someone. But you, Niki? That seems so unreal that you...oh baby, I’m sorry.” A pain stabbed my heart and a fierce urge to protect her flooded my body.

“Yes, that was me, back in sixth grade.”

“Sixth grade? That seems so young. I thought it was more high school age kids who did that.”

“Not any more, now younger kids try it. And I was no different. It eased the emotional pain I felt after her death.”

“Did your dad know? I mean, at first?”

“No, it’s easy to hide under long sleeves, but when he finally found out he freaked! He sent me to a therapist, but that didn’t help much. I basically refused to cooperate and started acting out in school. After I had been suspended for the second time in a month, for smoking weed, he decided that sending me away to boarding school was the only solution. He said it was to help me get better, to help me get over Mom’s death. The therapist said kids like me, who are very sensitive, use cutting because of what’s going on in their family life. As strange as it may sound, it’s a way of getting control of your life. And go figure it, there I was, living with my control-freak of a dad.”

“Well, he is
that
for sure. Wasn’t there anyone else you could have gone to, like to an aunt or uncle?”

“Not really. I was just a regular kid with a shitty dad and a repressive home environment. Don’t talk about your feelings, don’t discuss it, just sweep them under the rug, and whatever you do, don’t show any sadness. What a bunch of bullshit. I was a kid without a mother, for Christ’s sake. It was his fault and I still believe he did it just to get me out of his life. He was weak and spineless. He couldn’t deal with a kid with deep emotional problems. And he was afraid it would look bad for his law firm, which was ridiculous. Half his clients are drug users anyway; not much difference, if you ask me.”

A sour, mocking tone trembled in her voice. She gripped her wine glass tighter with both hands. I was stunned at what Niki had to endure, the pain of losing her mom and the rejection from her dad.
God, what an asshole!

“That is so fucked up. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, baby.”

Her eyes looked wet as she continued her story, and my pulse picked up. I wanted to reach out a hand, but I was riveted to my seat. “Did the boarding school help?”

“Oh, holy hell, no. The boarding school was horrible. It was a bunch of emotionally fucked up teens, all cooped up in the same place, and almost every week there were incidents or episodes; you know, drugs, out of control behavior…I couldn’t handle it.”

“Jesus, Niki, that sounds horrible. How was that place supposed to help anyone?”

 “And then, one night, I cut deeper and harder. I woke my roommate with my screams. The counselors told my dad and he thought I was trying to commit suicide, that I cut more that time just to get attention. But the thing is, you feel better when you cut. There's a kind of weird painkiller effect that you get. When you are in emotional pain, you literally don’t feel that physical pain as much when you cut yourself.”