Fearless Hope: A Novel (35 page)

“You’re not . . . you couldn’t be . . . are you . . . oh no.” She stuttered to a stop.

Simon watched avidly and safely from the front end of the horse.

“I had planned to propose
after
I’d mastered the horse and buggy,” Logan said. “And I certainly didn’t intend to propose covered in manure, but yes . . . that’s what I’m thinking.”

It was not exactly a romantic moment. Logan sounded decidedly grumpy, and he smelled . . . well, like horse manure.

He dropped the handful of straw and wiped his hands off on the front of his shirt, which had managed to remain somewhat clean until that moment. The man was a mess.

“I love you, Hope. I think you’ve suspected that for a long time. I want to marry you and help you raise those sweet children.
But
, I don’t want to be a laughingstock in front of all the other Amish men, so I was trying to learn a few things ahead of time before I started to court you. That’s what you call it, isn’t it? Court?”

Childbirth hormones were unpredictable things. It had been less than two weeks since she’d given birth and they kicked in big time now. She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or scream in frustration, so she just stood there gritting her teeth. He would never have the knack to do a tenth of the things Amish men learned from birth up. The man was a storyteller, not a horse wrangler, or anything else that was needed on a working farm.

“It would never work.”

“I’ve already met with Bishop Schrock about this situation and he’s going to try to explain some things about the church to me . . .”

“You did
what
?” The idea of him meeting with her father-in-law appalled her. What must the bishop think of her when she had kept reassuring him that there was nothing between her and her employer?

“I know I can be a good husband to you, Hope. And I’ll cherish your children like they were my own. Besides, I was born Amish. That must count for something.”

“You would teach my children the
Ausbund
, and the
Ordnung
, and how to speak German?” Hot tears came to her eyes now. Angry tears. “You have sat through one worship service and met one time with my father-in-law and you suddenly think you know what it is to be Amish? You have no idea what you are talking about. You would become bored with our ways within a year!”

With that, she stomped out, leaving him to deal with his messy self alone. All she could think about was
now
what was she going to do? She had been a foolish, foolish woman to put all her eggs in this basket. There was a summer to get through and a harvest, Lord willing, to arrange. With the harvest, along with her savings, she might have had enough to put a down payment on a small place of her own.

Now she had to deal with an employer who had proposed to her! She couldn’t allow herself to consider his proposal—not for a minute. He was crazy. There was no way that he could do what he was suggesting. Some men, perhaps, but not him.

It broke her heart that he would even try, and it made her angry, too, because of the sheer hopelessness of the situation.

Thankfully, he did not follow her. Instead, she heard another yelp, and Logan’s voice complaining, “Good grief! The blamed thing just bit me!”

Copy Cat obviously did not enjoy being harnessed by an amateur.

She knew that Simon was probably sniggering in a corner somewhere and trying to hide it, and she wished she could laugh at the situation as well, but she just couldn’t. The whole community had watched Grace and Levi struggle with
their
marriage, and they were still working out what to do about church the last time she checked. Hope was not going to endanger her children’s eternal souls, or hers, by bringing this New Yorker into their family as the father and spiritual leader.

Even if he was one of the kindest most thoughtful men she had ever known. Even if those eyes of his did melt her heart every time she allowed herself to look into them.

She marched into the kitchen and began preparations for dinner. She would not eat with him and Simon tonight. She would leave the food on the stove and they could serve themselves. The less time she spent with the man, the better! She’d find another job to do after the harvest and hopefully never run into him again.

But she would miss him terribly.

She hoped he and Simon would manage to get poor Copy Cat harnessed soon. She didn’t want to go back out there after the scene she had just been through, and she had an appointment with Grace in an hour for Esther Rose’s checkup.

It would be good to ask Grace for advice.

•  •  •

Being in Grace and Claire’s home birthing clinic was always soothing. She loved going there. Elizabeth was frequently in attendance, making hot chocolate, handing out advice, or cooing over babies. If Claire had a few minutes between clients, she would rest her feet by putting them up on a footstool and turn out yet another knitted cap for a newborn. Grace’s
baby girl either slept in a crib in a corner, or rode around on her mother’s hip while Grace consulted with the various mothers.

It always smelled good in the home birthing clinic, usually from something Claire had baking in the oven. Sometimes mothers brought extras from their own baking day. There was nearly always something good to eat, and a cookie for a tag-along child.

It was a comfortable and comforting woman’s place where subjects like nursing, childbirth, or postpartum blues could be discussed frankly and without embarrassment.

Hope wondered how Levi withstood the almost constant onslaught of Amish and Mennonite women who came to the clinic. She guessed that he probably pretty much lived in the barn or fields during clinic hours.

She was a little early when she pulled into the driveway of Elizabeth’s house. To her delight, Levi was in the barn with the doors wide open, working on his car with his new stepfather, Tom, her aunt Claire’s husband.

Tom had been raised Amish, joined the military, then came home to his roots twenty years later after recuperating from wounds sustained in combat. Hope figured he was probably the only Amish man in the world who could fly a helicopter. Claire and he had fallen in love and the whole Amish community had rejoiced.

Tom saw her and came to take charge of her horse.

“And how is our little mother?” His battle-scarred face was wreathed in smiles. “Isn’t it awfully soon for you and Esther Rose to be out riding around?”

“I’m feeling well enough,” Hope said.

“I hear the baby was almost born in a cellar.”

Hope shuddered. “It was too close for comfort. I don’t know what I would have done if Logan Parker hadn’t found me.”

“Got you here just in time for Grace to deliver the baby, from what I hear,” Tom said.

“He did.”

“Come see what I’m doing!” Levi called out to her. “Tom is teaching me how to replace a transmission.”

She walked over and peered into the open hood of the vehicle. What Levi was doing looked complicated. She wondered how in the world he could learn such things when he had spent most of his life using nothing but hand tools and horses.

“It’ll drive like a dream again when I get this fixed.” Levi grinned at her with a grease-stained face. She had never seen her cousin happier.

“It must be so nice to go where you want to go without having to hire
Englisch
drivers,” she said.

“Is that envy I hear in your voice, Cousin?”

“Maybe a little,” she answered. “I have no desire to run around all over the countryside, but it would be nice to have a pickup to drive to get farm supplies when they are needed.
Englisch
drivers are sometimes unavailable when you most need them.”

Levi’s eyes narrowed. “Are you thinking about jumping fence, Hope?”

“Of course not,” she said. “Just because it was the right decision for you doesn’t mean that it’s the right decision for me.”

Still, she couldn’t help running a hand over Levi’s car just for the sheer enjoyment of it. The finish was as smooth as glass. She had heard that secreted in the body of the car were air bags that could save a life if there was an impact. But being able to drive a car was a shallow reason to leave a church. Even if it was tempting to have strong steel and air bags to protect her children.

She had faith in God. A lot of faith. But it was hard to believe that it was God’s will every time one of her people’s lives
was lost because of a careless
Englisch
driver. It hadn’t bothered her so much before she had children. Now it was on her mind constantly whenever she was on the road and
Englisch
cars were passing by so fast they made her buggy sway.

Levi wiped his hands on a rag. “Something is bothering you. What is it?”

“Logan Parker asked me to marry him,” Hope burst out. “He said he would become Amish in order to do so.”

“Oh!” Levi’s eyebrows lifted. “Now that is news, indeed. And how do you feel about this?”

“I think he is being very foolish.”

After tying her horse to the railing, Tom, who had overheard their conversation, weighed in. “You’re right, Hope. The man has no idea what he’s saying. I was actually raised Amish and yet it has been a struggle for me to go back to the old ways after being in the military for so long. Being married to Claire and enjoying the close fellowship of my people again has made it worth it, but that’s a terribly hard decision for someone like Logan to make.” Tom paused. “He must love you very much.”

“I know,” she said miserably. “He loves my children, too.”

“I’ve gotten to know him pretty well these past few months. I like the man and I trust him,” Levi said. “How do you feel about him?”

“I love him.” It felt a little strange having this conversation with two men, but she had always valued Levi’s opinion, and was learning to value Tom’s. “But I don’t want to go through what you and Grace have. It wouldn’t be fair to put the children through that.”

“But what we’ve been through has been worth it,” Levi said. “Yes, we had our bumps along the way while we got some things figured out, but our commitment to one another never wavered. When you and I were little, Hope, of all the cousins, you were always the one who took the most risks, climbed to the
highest limb in the tree, tamed the meanest barn cat. I always thought you were fearless.”

“I never thought of myself that way.”

“You were, though. I always admired that in you. What you’ve taken on since Titus died is pretty impressive, too. The marriage counselor Grace and I finally agreed to talk to taught us that the root of anger is almost always fear. That was a surprise to both of us. We discovered that most of our fights were fear-based. I was afraid she would leave me; she was afraid I would control her to the point of losing her identity.

“Now you seem to be angry about the fact that a man you love is willing to join the Amish church in order to marry you.” He slammed the hood of his car so hard it startled her. “What is it that you are afraid of?”

“That’s easy to answer,” she said. “I’m afraid that Logan won’t be able to live Amish, that it will be too hard, and he’ll give up and leave me. That the children and I will have our hearts broken when he leaves. I’m about half afraid that he’ll get himself killed just trying to harness my horse. The poor man has no business around farm animals. Logan is a writer, not a farmer.”

“Well, if that’s the case,” Levi said, “there’s something else the counselor taught us that’s been a big help to me and Grace.”

“I’m listening.”

“Compromise.”

“How can I compromise?” she asked. “Logan is either Amish or he’s not.”

Levi bent over and started wiping off his tools one by one and placing them in his tool box. “I wasn’t saying that Logan was the one who needed to do the compromising.”

“How . . .” Hope stopped midsentence. She thought she knew exactly what Levi meant. “Have you and Grace settled on a church yet?”

Levi straightened up. “As a matter of fact, we have. We’ve started going to the one where the Troyers go. Grace likes it there. I like it there, and most importantly, as far as I can tell, it’s Bible based. The people there aren’t perfect, I doubt that their doctrine is perfect, but they’re trying awfully hard to love each other and follow Jesus. Truth be told, it’s a relief to have found a place to worship. Grace and I are doing great.”

He looked at her and she looked straight back at him. In silence, they had a weighty conversation without saying a word. Could she compromise? Would she?

She knew what Levi had gone through leaving his Swartzentruber church. From what she had seen of Grace, the woman was worth any sacrifice Levi had made for her. To give up one’s soul for another was wrong. To give up five hundred years of tradition? Maybe that was not so wrong. Levi had made it plain to everyone that although he had questioned his church’s
Ordnung,
he had never lost his faith in Christ. Grace had considered herself a Christian as well. A Bible-based church. People who loved one another and tried to follow Jesus.

“I’ll give it some thought,” she answered. “Thank you for the advice.”

Levi did a half salute with a monkey wrench. “Let me know if you ever need someone to teach you how to drive, Cousin.”

As she walked away from the two men, her head was spinning with questions. What was at the core of her belief in God? Doctrine? Tradition? Martyred ancestors? Or was it nothing more than a pure and simple faith in a resurrected Christ?

Millions of people came to Holmes County every year, from what she could tell, at least partially because they longed for a simpler lifestyle, but she knew the truth. There was nothing simple about her people’s lifestyle. Not when their various
Ordnungs
prescribed everything down to the width of ribbon a man could wear on his hat. Rules on top of rules. Yes, it brought
about an enviable vision of unity—but were her people unified in heart? Not always. People were human. There were always those who gossiped and judged. Those who strayed. Those who were so small-minded they became mean-spirited.

If Titus were alive, she wouldn’t be having these thoughts, but she
was
the spiritual head of her home now. It was she who had the right to decide what her children would be taught and where. She remembered years ago, when she had attended a Sunday school class with some of the Troyer kids. How she had loved it! Classes taught on a child’s level. Coloring little Bible pictures. A story taught with a fascinating object they called a flannel-graph. Even as a child, she had wondered why such a thing could be wrong.