Fears and Scars (18 page)

L
iz took
off after I told her everything. She got out of the car without saying a word as soon as she realized we were near her apartment building, but her appalled expression said it all.

I waited for hours for her to come back. When she eventually reappeared, she got into a waiting cab before I could get to her. Then she sent me a text.

Liz
: Leave me alone. I need time to process everything.

Her message was loud and clear, so I’m headed to the hotel to check my phone every five minutes and give her time even though I want to run to her and hold her and tell her how very sorry I am. Again.

It was a vicious cycle—me hiding things from Liz because I thought it was for the best when it wasn’t, her finding out, hurting, and me begging for her forgiveness after I realized how stupid I was. Only I was to blame for creating this cycle, and I will destroy it once and for all.

From my PI, I knew Liz was spending days and nights at the hospital even though the surgery turned out to be successful and her grandmother was feeling much better. There didn’t appear to be any lasting damage, but Maria had to stay at the hospital for the recovery.

The message I receive from Liz two days later doesn’t tell me much about her intentions.

Liz
: I’m ready to talk. Meet me at the coffee shop across from the hospital in two hours.

My reply is simple.

Me
:
Thank you. I’ll be there.

L
iz hasn’t arrived yet
when I walk into the coffee shop, but I’m not surprised since I
am
fifteen minutes early. After I order a latte with extra foam for Liz and a black coffee for myself, I find us a table in the corner of the room so we’ll have as much privacy as possible.

Settling in the plush armchair, I check my phone and see a message from Jacob.

Jacob
: Won my sister back yet?

Me
: Done your homework yet?
I taunt him.

He’s well aware of the situation. When he and Mark video called me last night, I told them the truth. I’m done hiding things.

Jacob
: I did. And it’s high time u up your game, man. I talked to Liz last night and put in a good word for u. You’re welcome ;)

Me
: What did you say?

God, I sound like a chick.

Jacob
: U sound like a chick.

Me
: I’m SERIOUS, Jacob.

Jacob
: She agreed to talk to you, didn’t she?

Is that the reason Liz is meeting with me? Because of something her brother said?

Jacob
: Chill out. I just explained some things to her.

Me
: Things like …?

Jacob
: Like love can make a dude do some crazy shit and all that.

Before I can decide what to text him back, I spot Liz entering the coffee shop. She’s nothing short of breathtaking in a loose, elegant black jumpsuit and beige jacket; her silky hair is pulled tight into a low ponytail—more beautiful than every photo or memory I have of her. Besides owning striking features, half of Liz’s charm is in her mannerism—each move and expression is a masterpiece with no pretension, no fakeness.

“Hi,” she greets me as I move to pull out a chair for her.

When I take my seat, I immediately spot that her eyelids are a puffy even though she tried to cover it with makeup.

“Liz, are you okay?”

“I am,” she says looking into her mug cradled in both her hands like it has all the answers.

I put my hands around my warm cup as well and let the heat seep into my skin, needing a little bit of warmth.

Minutes of silence follow before she opens up, “Granny had one of her episodes this morning. She’s been asking for my mom since she woke up. I couldn’t calm her down; doctors had to give her a sedative. Seeing her being restrained and injected … it’s hard. I won’t be able to see her until morning.”

“Do you want to go home?”

She shakes her head. “I’m going to work afterwards.”

I get her need to do something. “Are you sure you want to talk now? We can just drink coffee, take a walk.”

“I’m good. She’s alive. That’s all that matters,” Liz says and takes a quick sip of her drink. “So, Jacob and I video chatted for the first time yesterday and he … well, he told me about his problems with school and other issues. And we talked about you. Looks like you two get along well.”

“He’s a great kid. Well, more like a great man. He’s mature.”

Something flashes in her eyes, but before I can recognize what it is, she looks away and concentrates on her hands curled around the cup.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Ryan?” she asks seconds later, looking me square in the eye.

I run a hand through my hair in a vain attempt to tamp down the anxiety rolling through me.

Don’t screw this up, Price. It’s time to win her back.

“Because I wanted you to be happy, Liz.” I lean forward to rest my elbows on the table, needing to be closer to her. “I knew you’d leave everything to help Jacob. You’d be torn. I couldn’t do that to you.”

Her brows knit together. “So you broke my heart instead?”

The question sends guilt crashing over me, and my chest squeezes. I’m a bastard. “If I could turn back time, I’d have done things differently,” I admit. “I’d have done everything right.”

We’re both quiet for a long time. Liz shifts in her seat and directs her attention to the tables next to us, then to her mug again. She stares at everything but me.

I can almost feel her hardened resolution to push me away. She’s hurt and angry with me, and she’s holding onto those feelings like a shield, determined to protect herself.

“I’m sorry, Liz,” I try after several minutes. “For everything. For hiding things from you. For lying. For hurting you. I made the biggest mistake of my life. Not a day went by when I didn’t regret it—”

She shushes me with the shake of her head. “Stop, Ryan. I don’t want your apologies.”

“But I am sorry,” I tell her earnestly.

“I’ve heard that already. It doesn’t change anything.” She lets out a sad sigh. “I’m so grateful to you for what you’ve done for Jacob. You sacrificed your own happiness. You spent half a year caring for my brother, a total stranger to you. I imagine it wasn’t easy, and I’ll forever be grateful to you for that. But you shouldn't have done that at my expense. At the expense of my feelings. You shouldn’t have sacrificed our relationship.”

I grasp her words, quietly understanding perfectly what she’s telling me, knowing she’s absolutely right.

“I know you thought you were choosing my happiness over yours. And that’s noble. But I wasn’t happy without you, Ryan. Not at all …”

“Do you still love me?” Words rush up my throat.

Her eyes water. “You took my damaged heart and tore it to pieces. You left too many scars.” Her words, her voice, her features—everything exudes raw pain, and my heart sinks in my chest. It hurts so goddamn much to hear how she suffered because of me, because of the decisions I made.

All this time I was so wrapped up in Jacob and how to make his life better, I wasn’t thinking about Liz like I should have. I knew heartbreak was inevitable, but I thought she was fine. I thought she was happy. I hadn’t realized my actions cut her so deep, and I hate myself for that.

“And it doesn’t matter if I still have feelings for you, Ryan, because I know it won’t work between us. How can I ever trust you again? How can we be together without trust? I refuse to believe in promises given in vain ever again.” She shakes her head. “I was suffering like hell. I was miserable. I can’t live through it again.”

“You’ll never ever have to—”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I’m sure it won’t take you long to find some other demons to save me from, and I won’t wait until you disappear again.”

The sting accompanying her words is brutal, but I deserve it. I’ve proven time and again that I can’t be trusted with my actions. How can any words from a liar solve this? But I have to try.

My throat constricts as I lean back in my chair and fist my hands firmly in my lap to kill the desire to hold Elizabeth close and kiss the hell out of her until she understands how much I regret everything.

“I have to go,” she says quietly, her eyes on the table. “We’ll talk later, okay? If you decide to stay.”

“Should I? Stay?”

She shakes her head before cutting her attention back up at me. “I don’t know.”

The sharp sting of rejection and defeat throbs in every part of my body. What did I expect? I’ve torn her apart, and no amount of gentle words and apologies can make it better. I know that, but I won’t give up trying.

“Since I left Moscow six long months ago, I lived for the day when I would see you again, hold you in my arms,” I admit quietly. I don’t even care that I sound as desperate as I am. “The day I broke up with you … God, Liz, I was a fool. I longed to be better. I longed to be worthy of you when you loved me just the way I was.

“When we broke up … every single moment for five long months, I fought the desire to run to you and beg for forgiveness. Day in and day out, I felt like an empty shell without you. But I kept telling myself I was doing the right thing. Jacob is just a boy who doesn’t have anyone, and life was never easy on him.”

Elizabeth’s eyes water once again, but I go on, “You and I, Liz, we’re meant to be. I know I ruined our chance by keeping things to myself. By trying to fight battles you never asked me to fight. I did wrong. So terribly wrong, but I want to make it right. I want it more than anything, more than my next breath.”

“I can’t do this right now.” She scrapes her chair back and hops to her feet. “I have to go.” With that, she hurries out of the coffee shop like it’s on fire, leaving me with a stone settled in the pit of my stomach.

Shit, I’m a moron. I shouldn’t have pushed her that much. Or maybe I should have pushed harder, kissed the hell out of her like I wanted.

For a moment, I contemplate the idea of leaving for New York. Maybe I should just go away and let Liz live her life and one day find a pain free love. I dismiss the thought as quickly as it appears in my head. I’m a fighter, always have been. Just because I lost today’s battle and am standing on my knees, I won’t give up. I’m not leaving until Elizabeth is mine again.

T
he stench
of bleach and chemicals burns my nostrils with each inhale.

I hate hospitals. Nothing bad has ever happened to me in one. A lot of people hate hospitals for no reason, and I guess I’m one of those people.

“What’re you doing here?” Liz asks as she sits down beside me.

The cardiology wing where Maria Smirnova is recovering has only one waiting room, so there was no chance I’d miss Liz.

“I knew you’d be worried and would come here to be close to your granny.”

Her sigh tells me that my knowing her so well doesn’t bring her joy like it used to.

“That talk we had,” I start, picking at the armrest of the chair. My eyes dart back forth between two empty chairs in front of us. “It was all kinds of wrong. I didn’t mean to push you. I came back to be a support, not a burden. I’m here for
you
, not us, not me. I’m here if you need an ear, or hands to bring you something, or wheels to take you somewhere, or words of advice, anything. And if you want me to leave, I will. I’ll go back to the hotel to wait until you’re ready … Shit. I’m here. That’s all.”

A chuckle bubbles from Liz’s lips, and I let go of my unease. “God, this is the first time I’ve heard you ramble. It’s kind of cute.”

“I just don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”

Fuck. Smooth, Price, real smooth.

“Shitty answer.”

I force myself to behave as if my entire future isn’t in Liz’s hands. “You have a lot on your plate, and I don’t want to add to it. I want to help.”

“Let’s just sit in silence, okay? That’ll help.”

She diverts her eyes from mine and fidgets with her hands. I want to take her hand in mine, but I restrain myself. I'm here to make it right, not to spook her again.

“I’m so angry at you,” she eventually says. “For hiding things. For hurting me. For not coming sooner.”

“I shouldn’t have hidden anything from you,” I say quietly, ashamed of my actions. “And I definitely shouldn’t have made any decisions that weren’t mine to make. I didn’t realize I might lose you forever until I had already gone too far.”

“Why did you send me the locket and the deed?” Her voice is dull, barely there.

“It was our anniversary, and—”

She interrupts me before I can finish. “Would you have come back here if I hadn’t called you?”

I raise my eyes to find Liz searching my face for the truth.

“Of course.” Relief fills her eyes when I answer without hesitation.

She questions my arrival? “I planned on coming back for a while, but first I needed to make sure Jacob was cool living with Mark for a while. I was also kind of formulating a plan to win you back and waiting for some sort of reaction to my gifts.”

“I was going to text you to go to hell.”

“But you didn’t,” I state, holding her gaze.

“I didn’t,” she whispers and looks away. “Apparently I like torturing myself.”

“Well, you loved it when I tied you up and …”

Elizabeth gives me a deadly stare.

“I can’t believe you just said that, Price.” She scowls, her attention darting around the room.

A handful of people are scattered throughout the waiting room, but they're far away. Even if they speak English, I’m sure they're too busy being worried about their loved ones to listen to our conversation.

Silence settles between us. “You don’t plan to leave me alone, do you?”

“I can’t.”

Her eyes meet mine, searching, pleading, warning.

“I’m here to win you back, Liz, no matter how long it takes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Your feelings are what matter here. If you tell me you want a life without me and mean it, I’ll go away.” Or try to. “I promise. All I ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

She takes a deep breath. “I’m angry. That’s all I know for now. I’m also kind of jealous of how close you and Jacob are. I mean it’s unreasonable and stupid—”

“Hey. Your feelings are never stupid. I get it. You want to know him better.”

“I do.”

“Just wait until you see how he and Mark are,” I tell her. “They’re thick as thieves with their guy nights, Saturday video games, and Monday pizza diners. Now that Jacob is emancipated, he’ll probably want to move in with him.”

“He mostly talked about you last night, though. ‘Ryan this and Ryan that.’ He told me you reminded him of his dad with how you protect the people you love.”

My chest tightens. Jacob adores his father, and I know what an honor it is to be compared to him.

“Did you really ask him not to enlist for me?”

“I didn’t ask. I made him sign a contract.”

“Of course you did.” A slow smile creeps across her face that feels like home. She's so beautiful.

“I knew one day you’d be ready to contact him, and I needed to make sure he was … alive.”

Liz doesn’t say anything for a long time, and I start to worry. I shouldn’t have mentioned death, especially when her grandmother is still in the hospital. Frantically, I try to come up with something neutral to say.

“It took me months to contact him,” she whispers and then takes a long breath. “One evening I came home from work and opened that folder you gave me. It wasn’t easy to read everything, and it was even harder to see the pictures. I stared at the woman who had my eyes, my nose, my chin, even my lips. Her hair might have been lighter than mine, but I still look like a carbon copy of her. I look like a stranger.” She takes another deep breath and, this time, lets the air slowly vacate her lungs. “I studied Jacob’s pictures for hours, trying to find similarities, and I found tons. That evening I realized how stupid I was for blaming him for his mother’s decisions. I knew I wanted to try to have some sort of relationships with my brother, so I wrote him a letter telling him I always wanted a sibling. When I got an email from him ten days later it was … it was one of the happiest days of my life.”

I cherish every word that leaves her mouth. I hadn’t realized what a privilege it is to hear her opening up to me, but I do now.

“Your brother does look like you. You two have the same shy smile and defiant twinkle in your eyes. He didn’t tell me you contacted him at first, but I did notice how he started using his laptop more often and smiling at the screen. Mark thought he’d gotten himself a girlfriend, and I was glad to have more leverage to convince Jacob to study with a tutor. Computer hours for study hours.”

“God, Ryan. I can’t even imagine how you did it. What was it like be a father figure to a fifteen-year-old?”

“It wasn’t easy. He’s a good kid, but he’s had his moments. Did he tell you how many times I’ve grounded him?”

“No, but he said, quote, ‘you’re a good dude even though you have a stick up your ass.’”

“Guess I didn’t ground him enough after all.”

We both laugh, and it feels good. So good that the need to touch Liz becomes overwhelming and clouds my judgment. I reach for her hand that is resting on the armrest. The moment I begin to entwine our fingers, she snatches her hand away and stands up.

Her rejection cuts deep. It stings that she doesn’t want me to touch her, but I know it’s my own doing. Elizabeth is just protecting herself.

Nevertheless, the closeness we once experienced seems like a distant memory, and it fucking hurts.

“I’m kind of ready to go home,” she says. “That wheels offer still stand?”

“Of course,” I answer and glance away so she won’t see the agony inside of me.

T
he ride
to Elizabeth’s apartment is strained. Neither of us speaks; soft music fills the silence. I stare out of the window because being this close to her and knowing she isn’t mine any more—that I can’t even touch her—is hard.

“I thought we were over, Ryan.”

I close my eyes at her words. And here I thought tonight couldn’t get any shittier.

“And I mourned us … I tried to move on.”

That’s real pain. Hearing the love of your life tell you she mourned you and moved on … that right there is hell on earth.

“Spare me the details.” The words that leave my mouth are bitter and biting.

She bows her head. “Ryan, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying we weren’t on the same page. You knew it was a break or whatever it was for you.”

I want to scream that it was a nightmare. It was a fucking constant nightmare for me, but I don’t voice my thoughts.

“So what I’m trying to say is that you need to understand why I’m so apprehensive.”

“Because I am a liar and a heartbreaker and a scumbag. I get it.”

“Because nothing good in my life lasts and you’ve proven that by leaving me. Because I know how much it hurts to love you and lose you.”

Shit.

“Do you really think we have a shot at rebuilding what we had?” Liz asks, surprising the hell out of me. “Hypothetically,” she adds when my shocked eyes meet hers. Hers are open, earnest.

“Trust can be rebuilt, Liz. I’m sure of that,” I say, clearing my throat. “And we never had problems with anything else. Love, passion, fire, pull—we had it all. I’ll do everything in my power to never hurt you again. I’ll always put you first and never take our love for granted. I know how it feels to be without it. Without
you
. We can take it as slow as you want.”

She stays silent and regards me with apprehension.

“I know you need to think and take care of your granny, but let me be close. Let’s take it step by step, okay? When I’m too close, you tell me. When I’m not close enough, you tell me also.”

“I can’t promise you another shot, not yet, but step by step sounds manageable. I’m not sure about anything, Ryan, except that I don’t want you to leave.”

Warmth spreads through me, and I can’t help but smile. The days have been so cold without Elizabeth.

“I won’t leave.”
Ever
.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” I say.

“Jacob mentioned you’re going to therapy. Are you really talking to someone or is this some kind of ploy to get him to go?”

“At first I did it for him, but then I told my therapist our story. I was sick of Mark calling me a moron all the time, so I guess wanted a second opinion. Maybe have someone on my side since I was paying him and all …”

A tiny smile touches the corners of Liz’s mouth. “You thought a therapist was a yes-man?”

“No. I’m not sure why I told him everything. Maybe he’s a sneaky bastard or maybe because I hurt all over at the time. But I did, and he asked me tons of questions I didn’t like. I fired him. But that got me thinking. Eventually, I came back and we talked some more.

“I don’t think therapy’s some kind of miracle and does wonders, Liz, but it made me see some things in a different light. I realized my sense of wrong and right was a bit twisted.”

“What about lying? Have you talked about that?”

“All the time. And you know what? I learned something. If you aren’t lying and hiding things, it’s really easy to talk.”

“And now?”

“Now I’m trying, Liz. I can’t say I’m a different person. I’m sure my old tendencies will resurface every now and then, but I’ll fight it with everything I am. The same goes for hiding things. Apparently I associate love with sacrifice and have tons of other issues.” I laugh, repeating what I heard from my therapists. “I mean, it’s work in progress.”

“That’s … great.”

“It’s a start.”

Elizabeth shifts in the seat and then asks, “Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you still wear the ring?” She is looking at my left hand which rests on my knee.

Taking the risk, I scoot over and gently cup her face, nudging her chin up so that she looks me in the eyes. She needs to see all the truths because I can’t say it all, not yet.

“Nothing changed for me, Liz. You’re the only one I love.”
You’re it for me. Only you. I still dream about making you my wife one day.

“But I … I …” Anguish brims in her eyes and she swallows like it’s too much to utter anything at all.

I can only imagine what it was like for her to take her engagement ring off.

Receiving it from my hotel manager almost broke my resolve to stay away. I already gave the orders to get the jet ready, but witnessing Jacob’s nightmares for the first time changed everything. He had fallen asleep in the middle of the day, and when I hurried home from the office to pack, I found him screaming at tops of his lungs. Seeing him like that was like a bucket of ice dumped on my head. He asked for privacy as soon as I woke him up, but I knew I couldn’t just abandon him. He was Elizabeth’s brother, which meant he was my family too.

Strands of honey-blond hair have fallen free from her ponytail. I tuck them behind her ear when I ask her, “Do you wear the locket?”

“I don’t, but I carry it with me all the time.”

I exhale in relief. Thank God. I was right. She still has feelings for me.

“Well, it’s late. I better go,” Liz murmurs, her eyes on my lips.

That pull toward we’ve always had, it’s still here. Strong and nearly irresistible, but rushing into things won’t help. Instead of bringing my lips to her sweet ones like I crave, I take her hand and lift it to my lips. “’Night, Liz,” I say, planting a firm, cherishing kisses on her knuckles.

“’Night, Ryan.”

She slips out of the car, and I wait until she disappears inside.

Hope blooms inside my chest. This is going to work. I’m going to get Liz back, and then I’m going to spend the rest of my life making her the happiest woman in the world.