Feathermore (8 page)

She took a step forward, and all hesitation vanished. I moved through the forest with a single-minded fury that left me without another thought. I could sense the woman behind me. Everything was moving past so quickly, I could barely see where I was going. I could hardly catch my breath, and my clothes felt tight. The collar of my shirt constricted my neck.

After running headlong for what felt like an eternity, I came to the dirt trail leading to the forest’s outer edge. I knew that just beyond it was the cliff. This was a dead end. I had run in the wrong direction.

Hearing the rapid footfalls of the woman running behind me, I ran a few steps more, then stopped right at the edge of the cliff. In an instant of terror, the most tremendous pain I had ever felt in my life came over me. It was as if someone had shot a bullet into my right shoulder. I lost my balance and fell over the edge.

The woman’s eyes looked down at me in surprise. She raised her hand, and in it was something small and white. All around me the darkness pulled at me, and I grew lost in it.

****

“Jade? Jade, are you all right?” I opened my eyes, and even with my blurry vision I could distinguish Claire’s face. “Nate, call nine one one.” She slipped her hands underneath me, and with incredible strength I didn’t think plausible she picked me up, and carried me into the warmth of her house.

8 ON MY WAY

I heard the door crack open, allowing a narrow shaft of light in behind it. Claire silently made her way over to the bed and knelt on the floor. I could feel her gaze on me. She hovered a few moments, probably making sure I was still breathing. I didn’t know how long I had been lying in this bed in the dark, and thinking about it only made me breathe in shorter gasps. Her warm, soft hand found my shoulder.

“
We’re right outside if you need us,” she whispered, tenderly kissing my forehead before moving away and leaving the room.

I wasn’t ready.

I closed my eyes and let the tears roll once again. Claire’s explanation of what had happened—how my parents had been killed by an animal—came back into my mind. The pain grew, enveloping me, stabbing me like a thousand daggers. But my sorrow, instead of bleeding out, grew inside me.

The sobs came louder each time. No matter how much I tried to muffle them, they kept coming louder and louder. I breathed in and out, trying to calm myself down. I screamed into my pillow, wondering if she would come in and check on me once again, and threw a few halfhearted punches into the mattress. I couldn’t bear the thought of opening my eyes just yet. Couldn’t face the reality of what my life had become.

I was left all alone in the world. My life had been ripped right out of my hands, with no way of turning back the time. I could not face the fact that I would
never
see them again, feel their arms around me, or even hear their voices calling my name. How was I supposed to keep going?

Once I had let out some of the pain I rolled onto my side, pulled my knees up, and wrapped my arms around them. The pain was unbearable, paralyzing. This was all I amounted to: a broken heart, a broken soul. I felt my own essence dissipating and drifting further and further away. I kept my arms around my body, trying to hold myself together. The darkness that hung in the room had somehow sucked the remaining life out of me.

Would it ever stop? Would it ever get better?

It wouldn’t. This much I knew.

I don’t know how long I cried before I drifted into a light sleep in which I was not awake, yet still conscious of my surroundings. All I heard was the TV in Claire’s living room. It was just a slight humming in the background but always there, keeping me company. Claire came in periodically, leaving a tray of food that sat untouched until she came back to pick it up and replace it with a fresh one.

The doorknob twisted, and I hugged the pillow. I waited for the door to open, for someone to come in, but instead the knob went back to its normal position. “She’s sleeping,” I heard Claire say.

“
I need to see her.”

It was
his
voice. It did something to me, temporarily lifting the darkness that had fallen over me. “I have to be with her.”

“
I know that, but she isn’t ready,” Claire said. “Not yet.” There was silence, and I wanted to scream for him to come in, to hold me in his arms and never let me go. I had fallen into a monotonic numbness and despair and needed to feel
something
.

“
Just tell her I was here. If she wants me, I’ll come anytime.”

* * *

Again I woke up. I gradually sat up in the bed and leaned against the wall. Its coldness sent shivers through my body, cooling and awakening me. I let my eyes adjust to the darkness that enveloped the room. It was nothing like the darkness that pervaded me inside. My eyes finally attuned to the night, and I saw the half-open door leading to the small guest bathroom. I needed to get up. I had been in this bed, wearing this same nightgown, for who knew how long.

My big camo duffel bag was on the floor near the sliding closet doors, which, I assumed, would be filled with some of my clothes. I let my mind wander within these four walls, but it wouldn’t be long before, of its own accord, it began wandering to darker memories.

I pushed forward and set my feet on the cold floor. Wobbling a little until I regained my balance, I took the few steps to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at my dim reflection in the dark. I turned the water on and washed the dry tears off my cheeks. Luckily, my best friend was on top of everything and had already unpacked my toiletries.

A quick search of the room didn’t turn up my cell phone. Quietly, I opened the door to the hallway that connected every room in the house. I turned right and headed for the kitchen, hoping that a snack would make me feel better as I looked for my phone.

The big wooden bowl on the counter was filled with pears and apples and tangerines. I looked around for something sweeter but came up empty. I picked up a banana, and as I peeled it I found my brown leather purse on the opposite side of the counter. I turned the microwave night light on and, under its weak light, unzipped my purse. My wallet, keys, and watch were all accounted for, and after further patting down, I felt the phone in the small pocket in the back. I took it out and pressed the main button, prompting a picture of Mom, Dad, and me lounging on the deck at home.

My vision grew blurry as the tears gathered in my eyes. I unlocked the phone and looked at the date: November 4. I went through the eighteen missed calls: some from kids at school, others, more recently, from good friends of Mom and Dad, most likely giving their condolences. I deleted all voice mails without listening to them. The sobs came naturally. With the phone clutched to my chest, I headed back to bed.

I let myself have a good but silent cry and promised myself I would get out of bed when morning came. But my strength dissipated, and my mind, let loose, busied itself with memories of happier days, interspersed with glimpsed images of their lifeless bodies. I closed my eyes tighter, hoping I could unplug whatever was creating the images. But it was no use. With that last picture in my mind, I once again fell asleep.

This time, my subconscious terror kept bringing its own set of images for me, stealing away the peace of my dreams.

I was walking on a field of lavender flowers, caressing my knees as I walked through it. Its sweet aromatic fragrance evoked a feeling of calm and tranquility. The sky was a pure, vibrant blue, and the sun shone bright without a cloud in sight. I could hear the chirping of finches and robins, though I didn’t see them. The distance was filled with green mountain pastures, with a tree here and there creating some shade. In the foreground, a woman stood gazing at her reflection in a pond. Her long hair swayed in the playful breeze. As I got closer to take a better look, I could see snakes all around her; slithering up her legs and entwining themselves around her body. My stomach felt heavy. The air grew colder, and the images in front of me disturbed me greatly.

“
Gross,” I mumbled to myself. On the other side of the pond, a light shone bright and came down from the heavens. Touching the ground, it revealed itself as Claire. My instinct would have been to run to her, but something inside me told me to stay where I was. Hidden. It wasn’t safe out there, and whatever was about to happen, I would want to see. The woman with the serpents around her spoke first. Her voice was serene.

“
You will not be able to save her, just as you could not save your mate.” She paused a moment and then continued. “Shemer, wasn’t it?”

Even from afar, I could see Claire’s eyes squint as she made fists with her hands. “I don’t see anyone that needs saving other than you,” she said, and she started to make her way around the pond, toward the other woman. “I suggest you leave now, Lilith, before things end badly for you.”

The serpents disappeared, and now a panther stood in their place.

“
Really?” Claire said, and laughed. “Is that supposed to scare me? Do you forget who I am?” Her laughter echoed all around me.

The woman didn’t say a word, just patted the fierce cat, which nagged at a memory I could not quite place. Where had I seen this before?

“
Come on, Lilith. If you’re going to fight, then fight!” Claire’s voice roared.

“
You have been socializing on the mortal plane far too long, cherub. I wonder if you even remember
how
to fight.”

And just as she said that, the panther sprang at Claire with bewildering speed. Only it wasn’t my Claire anymore. In an eyeblink, wings emerged from behind her, and suddenly, she was a lion. The panther kept coming at her, but it was no match for her. As it grew closer, Claire in lion form rose on its hind legs and jumped onto the panther with its huge, taloned front paws. The panther went down, and Claire the lion went for its throat. The panther gave a muffled yowl, kicked, and fell still.

Claire became herself again, though her wings remained. “Still up for it, Lilith?” she said.

And just like that, Lilith was gone, swallowed in the air.

I started toward her, but before she could see me she flapped her long wings and rose back up into the sky. I walked to the pond, looking around for any sign of anyone at all, and then I saw it. In the pond, under the water, I could see myself, sleeping. Or, if I could be so lucky, maybe I was dead.

I wandered about, and my surroundings changed once again. This time I found myself in a lonely cemetery. Dark and leaning gravestones cast shadows that seemed to move and follow me.

I found him by the big banyan tree, resting against its trunk. I was alone with him in a cemetery, with shadows that danced on their own, moving as if taunting me. I stared at him for a good while. He didn’t seem to notice that I was there.

“
Who are you?” I tried to sound tough but failed miserably. My voice creaked, and I looked at my feet to hide my reddening face.

“
Someone to steer you away from trouble,”
he whispered as he closed the space between us. I looked up at him. Seeing his face clearly for the very first time, his mouth just inches away from mine, I immediately forgot how to breathe. I just stared at his tender, full lips, wondering what they would feel like on mine. He chuckled and backed away from me, finally letting me remember to breathe. I examined the rest of his face. His features were soft and his skin pale. He was utterly gorgeous. His green eyes glistened as he looked at me.

“
Why am I in trouble?” I
hated that he had moved away, for I felt as if my whole being was seeking him, longing for him to draw closer again.

“
There are some people whom it is better to stay away from,” he said, his face turning grim, and he looked away.

“
I’m sorry, but this is a dream—”

“
You really think so?”
Within the blink of an eye, he was beside me again. He took my hand, and I reveled in every second of his touch.
“You do remember me, don’t you?”
His hand slid onto my cheeks, lifting my face to his.

I nodded.
“You have been in my dreams before.”
I couldn’t tear my eyes from his. It felt as if he held me at his will.

“
It is no dream,” he said. “It’s a different dimension—another realm, if you wish.”

Okay, pretty boy has lost it. I knew this dream was too good to be true. I pulled my arm away, even though I didn’t want to. I wanted to feel his touch, the electricity that he radiated when he was near. I turned around to look at him, but to my dismay, he was gone. I tried to find my way out of the cemetery but finally gave up, willing myself to wake up from this now miserable dream.