Feeling This (10 page)

I stare up at him while abruptly removing
the lemon to toss it on the bar and straighten up moving an inch away. Heidi’s
laughter breaks our connection. She announces, “Derek, I think we need another.
This shit is getting good. Who woulda thought this place could be so
entertaining on a rainy Monday night.”

Turning, I glare daggers at her which just
causes more laughter. Andrew places his hand over mine resting on the bar
stool. At his touch my heart speeds up and nervous energy courses through me. He
places his other hand on my shoulder telling me, “Calm down Kimber. We’re just
two old friends getting reacquainted.”

This acknowledgement from him turns my
stomach so I grab for another shot and down it not bothering with the lemon
this time. Derek chastises, “Hang on there Kimber, I wasn’t even finished
pouring them.”

I slam it back down next to the other two
and tell him, “Fill it up again.”

Derek smiles as he readies them, admitting,
“I will not be telling your sister about this, she would kill me.”

The alcohol coursing through me is starting
to affect my inhibitions. I climb up on the bar step leaning across and place
my hand under his chin, forcing him to look up at me and exclaim in a menacing
tone, “Derek, you tell and I’ll have to kill you.”

Andrew starts laughing behind me. This
brings me back down to reality. I step down from the step and turn to look up
at him. The closeness of the stools has us only inches apart. I want nothing
more than to attach myself to him but the memory of earlier in the day at the
college, forces me to hold back. He is definitely sending mixed messages.

Derek pours three more and offers, “Here you
go guys, last one.”

I inch into the closest bar stool and
decline, “No more for me, Derek, you do one with them.”

As Andrew throws his head back, I admire
the smooth skin covering his adam’s apple. I lean forward wanting to kiss my
way over it. He looks down slamming his glass to the bar and meets my gaze just
a whisper away. I swear I was moving toward him without even realizing it. When
he notices, his eyebrows go up in surprise. I cower back never tearing my eyes
from his.

Heidi announces, “Well guys, I think the Duck
has had enough of this girl. I’m gonna head home.”

I turn quickly to her and mumble under my
breath, “No, don’t leave me.”

She places her hand on my shoulder and
leans into my ear, “Kimber Maguire, if you don’t hit that, I will.”

Sometimes her crudeness takes me by
surprise but this time, a feeling rushes through me that resembles jealousy.
She must see it in the look on my face because she tells me before turning to
go, “Relax, it’s all you, I won’t steal him. Like I said before, this is something
you need right now. Just let it happen.”

I watch her all the way to the door, my
eyes still lingering on it after she’s gone. Andrew breaks my trance with his
breath on my bare throat, “Kimber, I want you to know that after you broke it
off, I still thought about you every day.”

His admission causes me to turn my head to
meet his stare. I’m surprised but also a little foggy. The alcohol is really
hitting me. His hand moves to the spot where his breath warmed me and goose
bumps pop up all over my skin. He leans in again and asks, “Can we go
somewhere?”

My heart speeds up as I nod. That is all I
can manage at this point. He grabs my hand and squeezes it while turning to
Derek, “Hey Derek, is it alright if I take her home?”

Derek looks over at me with a questioning
look. I nod my head at him and force a smile. Andrew is taking me home. Oh my!
I think I’m having heart palpitations. But home where? Suddenly my heart stops beating
and I panic. He can’t go to my home not with momma… I get up abruptly which is
a total mistake. My feet get all twisted and I lurch forward heading straight
for the edge of the bar. Andrew catches me just in time and chuckles pulling me
back against his hard chest, “Hang on there killer. I’ll help you up. Maybe
shots weren’t such a good idea.”

He tosses a small wad of bills on the bar
and tells Derek, “Thanks dude.”

Then he turns placing his arm around me,
barely holding my side. There it goes again, that pulsating feeling, I just
want to jump his bones.

Once we leave the bar, he leads me to his
car, a black 1967 Camaro. He always pined for this car through high school. I
smile that he finally got it. The rain has stopped, leaving puddles scattered
across the lot.

 He leads me to the passenger side and
reaches for the handle, I can’t take it any longer. I reach up to grab his
shirt and pull his six foot frame down to me, devouring his lips. At first he’s
hesitant but quickly he pushes his tongue forcefully into my mouth mixing the
taste of lemon with his incredible smell. I think I’ll die and go to heaven
right now. His mouth moves perfectly with mine as if we haven’t been apart for
four years.  His hands move from holding me up to pushing me back against the
car. They find my sides, slowly gliding down to my hips, caressing the skin
just beneath my shorts, around my waist and finally down to my ass. Never
breaking our connection, he lifts me up putting more pressure on me against the
car. I wrap my legs around his waist groaning into his mouth at the bulge in
his pants pushing against my sex. This just makes his hands move further down
my thighs, inching slightly into the edge of my cutoffs. My hands move up his
chest, which through the thin material of his t-shirt feels so good, hard and
defined. I imagine kissing my way around his chest and other places. My hands
inch up and make their way to his short, jet black hair. I run them through it
savoring his taste, enjoying this way more than I thought was possible. I bite
his lower lip making him moan into my mouth and his hands slide further into my
shorts, so close. Anticipation is a wonderful thing. He breaks our kiss and
starts kissing his way down my neck and my breathing hitches. I mumble,
“Andrew, I want you.”

Once he lowers his lips to my shoulder, he
stops and pulls back abruptly obviously short of breath as much as I am. The
sudden lack of warmth makes me grasp for his shirt again trying to pull him
closer to me.

He laughs running his hand down my braid,
searching my face, “Kimber, you are so beautiful.” He waits a minute staring at
me and finishes, “I think I need to get you home.”

Protesting I tell him, “But, can’t we…I was
hoping…How about
your
home?” I can’t believe how forward I am being, the
alcohol is definitely talking.

He shakes his head slowly while lowering me
to the ground, “Oh man Kimber, I would like nothing more. But we’ve been
drinking.”

Looking up at him confused, my anger
surfaces, “What Andrew? We are both consenting adults and so what if we’ve been
drinking.”

He reaches down not acknowledging my rant,
and pulls the door open.

Ashamed and embarrassed, I climb in,
sitting as close to the door after he’s closed it, as I can get. How can one
person go so fast from hot to cold? I’m still trying to get warm and I think my
panties have seen better days.

The drive is silent. I’m not sure what to
say. One minute he’s telling me we’re friends, the next we’re sucking face, and
practically having sex in the parking lot. Now he’s driving me home,
uninterested. I silently wish for him to take me to his house and not mine. But
with every turn in the road, we get closer to my house and my reality
. I
took Becca and Heidi’s advice, it didn’t pan out, it was bad, bad advice. I’ll
be sure to let them know.

When he pulls in front of my house he
quickly comes around to help me out of the car but I’ve already made my way
halfway to the house. He calls to me as I continue walking away from him,
“Kimber, come back and talk to me.”

Stopping, my shoulders fall, but I don’t
turn around. He moves hovering in front of me, blocking my progress to the door.
His hand directs my chin to look up into his eyes. He explains, “I really do
want to see you again. Tonight, I just thought it was too fast.”

Resigned I place my hand in the center of
his chest, stand on my tiptoes and meet his lips with mine in a gentle kiss. I
lower myself back down and tell him, “Goodnight Andrew, I’ll see you in class on
Wednesday.”

I don’t give him a chance to respond as I
maneuver around him to the front door. Once inside, I turn and peer around the
door as it closes. He is backing out of the drive. Damn he still does the
things to me now that he did back in high school.
Stupid, sexy Andrew.

Jordan

Each turn in the direction of the apartment
builds my apprehension. I know it’ll be empty and Susan is gone. But some part
of me has been blinded with hope. I’ve fooled myself into thinking that if I
don’t go back, that if I prolong it a little longer, I won’t have to face this
last piece of finality. Who am I kidding? This is exactly the reason I put up
with my mom for the past month. She hovered the whole time. I chose to ignore
her close proximity. Now I realize that my dad was right. It was killing her
not being able to take my pain away so she did the only thing she knew to do, she
stayed near in case I needed her. Now maybe she can heal too, this can’t be
easy for either of them. They were pretty close to Susan. Hell, they were more
willing to get her help than her own parents.

Surprisingly, my journey home has come to a
close, way too soon. I park in a spot outside the apartment building, leaving
the car idling, I try to focus on nothing again. As long as I don’t think about
things, I’ll be able to do this. Slowly, turning the ignition off, I lean over
to grab my bag and laboriously climb out of the car. I walk to the downstairs
apartment labeled with red numbers, 127. Once I’m standing before the door, my
stomach lurches almost convincing me, I’m going to be sick. Taking a deep breath,
I fit the key into the lock and listen for the click as it turns. Everything
seems to progress in slow motion. I grasp the handle and twist. It moves easily
in my hand forcing the door to swing forward. Forcing my feet to move, I step
in and suddenly I can’t breathe. Her smell hits my nostrils. I sink to my knees
and lose all control. Tears run down my cheeks for her. My Susan, I’ll never
see her again. I shout to no one, “Why? Why did you do it? I could have helped
you. Susan, I love you. I miss you.”

Tears pour out silently while I deflate and
lose all of my will to face this.

***

I must have fallen asleep in the entrance
to the apartment. I find myself on my side sprawled out on the floor with stiff
muscles. Gradually gathering my nerve, I stand up and lean down to pick up my
bag. I make my way through the apartment afraid to focus on any one thing for
too long. The bag ends up on the kitchen table, forgoing the bedroom for the
moment. The light filtering in through the windows has dimmed alerting me that
I must have slept a while. The clock above the stove in the small box of a
kitchen reads 6:30. I was out for a few hours. As I make myself a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich, the only food that is edible, I try to focus on only the
simple mechanics of putting the parts together, my mind involuntarily drifts to
our last night together.

Susan was adamant about going home to her
parent’s house but I talked her into staying the night. Her mom had started
giving her a hard time every time she stayed over. I thought it was because she
wanted to see a ring on her finger. I had intended on remedying that soon.

We had been at the lake all day, just the
two of us. I drove her here instead of home because I wanted her to stay but
also because I was so tired. She said she would sleep over only on one
condition, if we could do things her way. I remember how I collapsed onto the
bed ready to pass out because I was so exhausted but she was so insistent. I
watched her from my perch as she moved around the room.

First, she gathered every candle she could
find in the apartment and placed them all over my dresser. Then she turned slow
and smoky music on and with each candle she lit to the beat of the music, she
took off one piece of clothing. By the time she lit the last candle, she was
already completely naked. I loved the sight of her gorgeous, curvy body and the
way her chestnut brown hair hung resting over her full breasts. She was so
beautiful.