Feeling This (14 page)

I feel her presence as she approaches me so
I glance up at her. I take the bag she offers, uttering a thank you and meet
her eyes. They are the color of the sky when dusk is settling, a pretty
blue-grey. Quickly, I look the other way. When she turns to go back the way she
came, I watch her retreating figure and feel completely guilty for even
looking, as if I’m betraying Susan. I avert my gaze and concentrate on my
lunch.

Kimber

I dial Heidi and she picks up on the first
ring, “Hu’lo Kimber.”

“Hey, whatcha up to? I just left the
Bruin’s.”

The tone of her voice changes and lowers an
octave, “You mean
who,
am I up to.”

Incredulity colors my words, “Really? Why’d
you pick up the phone then? Obviously, he’s not a keeper if he can’t hold your
attention.”

She laughs, “He went off somewhere. I think
he’s in the bathroom or something, no, not a keeper. He was done with me once
he got off. Can’t a girl get a decent orgasm?”

I’m embarrassed at her boldness. I shouldn’t
be surprised, Heidi lost her virginity very early and she’s been obsessed with
sex ever since. The one thing I hope for her is that she finds the ‘right’ one.
I know that’s what she really wants, though she would never come right out and
admit it.

“Well, maybe someone new will come along.
No, let me rephrase that, tomorrow is always another day.”

“Ha, you know it girl. So what’s the plan
tonight? Gonna come hang with me so I don’t have to find someone else to do?”

Her implication makes me chuckle. Okay so
tomorrow is not soon enough, tonight instead.

“Heidi, you know I have to work. You wanna
make another Duck appearance? That would be two in the same week, a record.”

“Uh, no, but if I have nothing else to do…”

“Okay, I’ll see ya then. By the way, Andrew
asked me out on a date.”

She starts screaming, almost deafening me. Suddenly,
it’s cut off and I can hear a voice in the background. It turns more muffled as
if she’s placed her hand over the phone but I can still here her say to whoever
it is, “Just go home, Tyler. It’s not gonna work out with us.”

A different voice pleads, “Come on baby, it
was good right? You know you want me again.” Heidi’s hand must fall from the
phone because I hear her voice loud and clear proclaim, “No Tyler, it was not
good. Sorry to break it to you but on a scale of one to ten, you’re a four, and
that’s being generous.”

I hear a door slam and she calls into the
phone, “Hey Kimber, you still there?”

“Yeah, way to let him down easy. Do you
have no compassion for other people’s feelings?”

“Come off it, I did him a favor. Better he
realizes now that he’s lacking in some departments than to believe he’s god’s
gift to women. Where were we? Oh yes, you were telling me, as an afterthought,
about Andrew. Damn Kimber, why do you always do that? You should start a
conversation with the great news not end with it. When did he ask? Where are
you going? When?”

I roll my eyes at her rant, and shift the
car into gear to stop at a red light. My hand instinctively moves to the
dashboard to pat it as if this will keep it from stalling.

“Sorry, He asked this morning. He was waiting
for me on the side of the road, down a few houses from mine. I was pretty
shocked because of what happened last month at the Duck.”

She interrupts before I can utter another
word.

“Uh, what happened, as in the lemon drop
night? Why do you never share? It’s as if I have to drag things out of you,
Kimber. What happened? Did he jump your bones? I told you sex is the answer.
You feel better, right?”

I huff in frustration. She is so exhausting
sometimes.

“No, I jumped his bones and he rejected me.
Sex is way over rated.”

She starts giggling, “Well I’ll have to
agree with you if it’s with Tyler. But if Andrew rejected you, why are you
going on a date with him?”

When she phrases it like that, I’m not
really sure myself. What if he rejects me again? I won’t give him the chance.
I’ll keep my legs closed this time. He did seek me out to ask. Ugh! I’m so
confused.

“I don’t know Heidi. It’s Andrew; I guess
that is my only reason.”

I change the subject, tired of thinking
about it. “By the way, did you say Tyler? As in, drummer for that garage band
that plays at the Duck sometimes?”

Her voice turns soft, “Be careful. He hurt
you once Kimber. And yes, Tyler, schmyler, not a good lay.”

I chuckle, thinking that Becca would beg to
differ. No wonder it was so short lived, Heidi was waiting in the wings. Becca
has nothing on my beautiful best friend. Yes, Becca is small and petite, more
of a cute girl. Heidi is platinum blonde, thin and tall. She is perfect and
curvy, hence her sexcapades.

“I will. Are you comin’ tonight or not?”

“Are you singing tonight?”

Her mention of my new Friday night gig
brings a flutter to my stomach. I’ve avoided thinking about it all day to
prevent the nerves.
Damn you Heidi.

“Yes, I am, so have I twisted your arm?”

She relents, “I’ll see you tonight girl.”

We hang up, just as I’m pulling into the dirt
drive of the house I share with Momma. Once the car is off, I sit for a moment
looking through the window at the small one story brown square in front of me.
The windows are surrounded with peeling white shutters, my mom’s attempt at
making it look homey when we moved in. That was before she got sick. Hovering
on top of the roof is a tiny steeple with white trim. Across the front, lays a
concrete slab overshadowed by a small extension of the roof. I remember ten
years ago when she found this house and she thought we would be happier here rather
than the apartment. For as long as I can remember before that, we lived in an
apartment. But when she saw this house, she was sold. I didn’t know any better
except that it was surrounded by tall trees and a lot of grass. Both of which I
had never known.

We worked on the outside for weeks,
painting and planting a garden. I turn to glance at the corner of the house.
She found some border bricks and built it up around mounds of soil. We planted
and grew vegetables for a couple of years in that garden before she was
diagnosed. I was fifteen when we found out. Since then, she’s sunk deeper and
deeper just like the garden that is now even with the rest of the yard, full of
grass and weeds, masking that there was ever a garden there.

I turn to get out of the car and make my
way through the front door. I need to get myself mentally ready for tonight.
Singing in front of a crowd at the Duck isn’t glamorous by any means but still
daunting.

As I step out of the shower and wrap a
towel around my body, my reflection catches my eye. I have my mom’s dirty
blonde highlights slightly with lighter streaks, Heidi’s attempt at making me
look more fashionable. My eyes are totally my mom’s but my face otherwise looks
nothing like her. It’s oval and my skin has a speckling of freckles around my
nose. She never talks about my dad. He left before I was born. I don’t know
much else except that she stares at me for long moments at a time on occasion.
I wonder if she sees him in me.

I turn to go and get ready. Scanning my
closet I choose a white tank top and pair it with jeans. I slip my feet into
some black converse and brush out my hair. After a smear of lip gloss over my
lips, I head toward the kitchen to see Momma. She is not in her normal spot at
the table. Before looking for her I find a yogurt in the fridge and grab a
spoon. As I take a bite, I follow the short hall to her bedroom. The door is
closed but muffled voices fill the air. Slowly, I grasp the handle and turn it,
trying not to wake her in case she’s asleep. Her smell meets my nostrils once
the door is open. It’s a mix between her lack of showers and cigarettes. Slowly
my feet shuffle to the edge of the bed. She’s sleeping as I thought but not
really, more like passed out. Sitting next to the bed on the table is a half
empty bottle of vodka and an empty glass. 

I lean down to pull the blanket up over her
thin body. She stirs but doesn’t wake up. It breaks my heart that she does
this, if she would just care. I grab the bottle between two fingers as if it’s
deadly and walk back out of the room, turning the T.V. off.  Carefully, I close
the door behind me and trek to the kitchen to pour the remains of the bottle
down the sink. She’ll probably let me have it later but I don’t care. It’s
killing her faster than the disease is.

After locking up and repeating the silent
prayer for my car, I drive down the narrow dirt road to the highway. Passing
the spot where Andrew waited this morning a smile spreads over my lips. I
wonder if he’ll be at the Duck tonight. That would be a nice surprise.

The parking lot is filling up pretty
quickly when I pull in. I grab my guitar case and walk nervously through the
heavy doors, my eyes adjusting to the low lighting and smoke. I walk straight
to the entrance in the back. Derek turns as I come through the slatted bar
doors and smiles glancing back down at the register while punching buttons. He
calls to me, “You ready for your big debut?”

I smirk and scan the bar. Every chair at
the bar is full. The tables are filling quickly. A man at the curve in the bar
motions to me. I strut down and ask, “Hey, what can I get for you?”

“How about a beer?”

 I turn and make my way to the tap, waiting
while Derek pours one for his customer. He looks over frowning this time and
asks, “You talk to your sister yet?”

I shake my head. The look in his eyes tells
me I might not want to talk to her but I ask, “Why? What did she do?”

He backs up, motioning for me to use the
tap.

He places the mug in front of a customer
close by and turns back to me, “She went to see your mom today.”

My grip on the mug tightens making my
knuckles  turn white. No wonder Momma drank half a bottle. Jenna was there.
Obviously it wasn’t a good visit. I spin on my heel and serve the man at the
end of the bar. Derek comes up behind me and places his hand on my shoulder. I
look over glaring, “Derek, obviously you have some pull with Jenna. Can you
just keep her away from Momma while she’s here? It’s like poison when they are
around each other.”

He nods and removes his hand to get drinks
for more people crowding the bar. I add, “Do you think you can cover for me
tomorrow night? I have something going on.”

“Oh Kimber, I was gonna take Jenna out tomorrow
night.”

I glare over at him, “She owes me just for
going over there today, who has to put up with Momma now that’s she’s gone and
upset her.”

“Okay, fine but she’s gonna give me shit
about it.”

“Thanks.”

I lose myself in serving drinks all night
enabling all these people to prove my ugly theory true as pathetic as it is.
They’ll go home with anyone as long as the beer is flowing. By the time ten
o’clock rolls around, the bar is completely packed, three people deep. Every
table is full and my stomach is flipping about singing.

Becca scurries up to the service bar as I
get her drinks, she whispers loudly, “Did you see Andrew Perry tonight? I heard
you guys had a thing back in high school.”

My eyes perk up at the mention of his name.
I shake my head and scan the crowd.

She shakes her head, “Oh, no he’s not here
now. He left about a half hour ago with some brunette chick. I think her name
is Dana, she was in one of my classes last semester.”

I tune her out. Andrew was here and he didn’t
say anything to me. He must have seen me behind the bar. Why would he leave
with someone right where I could have seen him? Becca must be mistaken. I ask
as I place her drinks on the tray, “Are you sure Becca? Are you sure it was
Andrew?”

She looks uneasy suddenly. I must not be
convincing in my indifference. She leans forward, “Kimber, I’m sure. The guy
you were doing shots with, correct?”

I nod suddenly lost in regret. What was I
thinking agreeing to a date with him? He is apparently keeping his reputation,
even now that he’s home. A high-pitched voice calls my name bringing me out of
my misery.