Feeling This (19 page)

“Hello.”

“Jordan, hi it’s Dan, Susan’s father.”

My heart falters at the mention of her name out loud. Then confusion fills me temporarily making me speechless.

“Jordan, son, are you there?”

Pain spreads at his choice of words, as if the wound is newly opened.

I stutter, “Y…Yes, hi Mr. Weller.” I don’t bother to ask how he is. I can tell by the tone in his voice that he’s still hurting but trying to mask it. The same thing I’m doing 150 miles away in a town where I’m a nobody. I run my hand through my hair and lean over trying to catch my breath that has suddenly sped up.

“Jordan, I was calling, well your mother said you were out of town for a while. I wanted to call and find out when you plan on coming back.”

I frown at this. Unless my parents asked him to call, he really has no reason.

“Um, Mr. Weller, I have something I need to do. I can’t talk right now.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to have that talk with you, son. It can wait though. Give me a call when you get back into town.”

“I’ll do that sir.”

I press the end button, curious about what this is all about. The day of her funeral, he wanted to talk but I wasn’t ready. That must be it. I didn’t think anything of it. I slide the phone back into my pocket and turn to Gypsy, patting her head. I have the feeling suddenly that someone is staring at me. I look around and Joe is across the field waiting with Link looking over in my direction. He was out of ear shot but I know he must be wondering what I’m doing. I can only imagine what he thinks now with my reaction to the phone call.

I nudge Gypsy and she trots over to Joe and Link. Joe nods at me and turns in the direction of the barn. After a few horse lengths he turns and calls over his shoulder, “Jordan, we’re a family here, if you need to talk anytime.”

I meet his stare and nod. My heart feels as if it’s been trampled on all over again. They say time heals but I’m not so sure.

We are the last to get to the barn again. Kimber is there handing out lunches. When Joe steps down from Link she walks up and tries to give him a lunch. She has jeans and a yellow tank top on. The yellow against her pale skin accentuates its glow. I climb down and move my gaze from her thinking about Susan and the conversation I just had with her father.

Joe spits to the side and teases, “Hey girl, if your sister won’t give me the time of day, maybe I’m looking in the wrong place.” At the end of his sentence, he hands the reigns for Link to me and scoops her up and over his shoulder. She starts screaming and laughing, “Joe Story, you put me down right this minute.”

He laughs, plopping her down on a bale of hay a few feet away. Then he comes over and grabs the reigns for Link and Gypsy from me. I protest, “Hey Joe, I can get the horses.”

He shakes his head heading into the barn,” No Jordan, you go get some lunch, I got ‘em.”

Kimber calls after him as she stands up to brush the hay from her jeans, “You’ll have no chance with Jenna if you do that again!” Then she turns to look at me. A shy smile creeps across her lips so she looks away and walks toward the wagon. I take a step forward but she turns before I can go any farther. She grabs a lunch and spins around to hand it to me explaining, “Jordan, I’m sorry about yesterday.”

I take the lunch and ask her, “What are you sorry about?”

She seems to stall and frowns for a minute before answering, “Nothing, I guess, I’m sorry for Heidi.” Her cheeks start to turn pink and the look on her face deepens. I know what she’s talking about but I can’t acknowledge anything with her. If I keep my distance she won’t get hurt because I have nothing to give. I look away, not making any recognition of her statement.

She shifts on her feet for a minute before stomping back toward the wagon. As she stalks back toward the house I watch her body move lithely through the grass and have the urge to run after her to apologize for my rudeness but I stay where I am. It’s best for both of us.

Joe comes up behind me a minute later and claps me on the shoulder. He tells me quietly, “Jordan, I don’t know what your story is but I do know that look. I’ve been lookin’ at her sister like that for years. She won’t return my feelings. But why when two people who are obviously attracted to each other, don’t act on it, is beyond me.”

Chapter Twenty

After I came home from my non-date with Andrew, I felt terrible for hurting his feelings and even worse, I was upset that I gave Jordan the wrong impression that Andrew means something to me. I’m sure he thought we were dating. The more I sit and think about the whole thing, the more my mind is made up to make a move toward Jordan. Just thinking about him does something to my insides.

Momma was difficult as usual. I had all day Sunday off, intending to get caught up on some sleep and fitting in some playing. It’s been a while since I’ve had a moment to work on songs or just play without any interruptions. But Momma had other plans. She had a lot of problems walking which caused her to yell for me. Of course, I was right there just as she fell again. But I noticed on her night table another half empty bottle and knew she didn’t fall from the disease.

I coaxed her back into bed and asked as sweetly as I could, “Momma, where’d you get that bottle?”

She waved her hand around and answered without her wits about her, “Your sister of course, it’s the least she could do since she don’t show her face ‘round here.”

My blood boils and I march out of the room. She calls out behind me, “Don’t give her a hard time. She jus’ wants was’ best for her Momma.” Her speech slurs the more she speaks and my shoulders clench with each word she utters.

When I get to my room I look around and hate everything about it suddenly. The peeling pale blue walls that I helped Momma paint when we moved here, the dirty brown carpet underfoot and my white outdated furniture that really isn’t white anymore, more of a yellowed with age color.

I crash into my bed and grab for my phone, hitting Jenna’s name. She picks up on the first ring, “Hey sis, how’s it going?”

“Not so good Jenna. Momma fell today and it wasn’t from the MS.”

Silence spreads on the other end, then her voice changes from cheery to reserved, “I guess she told you then huh.”

“Jenna, I just poured a bottle out the day before yesterday. Why are you enabling her?”

Before she can respond, I continue on my rant, “Actually is that your MO? You come in here, buy Momma a bottle to make peace with her and figure ‘oh yeah, Kimber will pick up the pieces, she always does’?”

She becomes defensive, “I wasn’t comin’ back after the other day. She kicked me out and told me she never wanted to see me again. Then yesterday she called and said she was sorry for saying the things she said.”

I finish for her, “And she asked you to bring a bottle and now you’re good with her again.”

She doesn’t respond.

“Jenna, this is not fair. Don’t you see that the more she drinks, the worse she gets? Is that what you want, her to die because she’s a drunk?”

Her voice turns angry, “Kimber, she’s dyin,’ you know that. It’s happening slowly and she hates it. I know you can see that. The alcohol lets her stay numb to it. I get it and if that is what will help her deal with her fate, I’m all for it.”

I mutter, “As long as you aren’t around to see it.”

Then with finality I tell her, “I don’t know why you’re still hanging around but while you’re here don’t come and see Momma. As much as you think it helps, it doesn’t. You aren’t here to pick her up when she falls or clean up her vomit when she drinks too much. Just stay away Jenna.”

I hit the end button before she can argue with me anymore and collapse back onto my bed. I roll over onto my side and let the tears that are just brimming on the surface pour out onto my pillow, for my momma who is slowly dying and for my sorry existence in this godforsaken place. Times like now I wish I were more like Jenna, not caring, selfish and able to leave.

***

Monday brings with it a renewed view of what I decided yesterday. I know I’ll see Jordan at the ranch today and I’m going to feel him out to see if he’s interested. It scares the shit out of me but it feels right. I’ve never been more attracted to anyone before, not even Andrew.

Speaking of Andrew, I get the cold shoulder all through class this morning from him. He doesn’t glance my way or even acknowledge me when I try to answer a question he’s posed to the class.

I gave Heidi the silent treatment in writing. She tried to talk to me but I held my ground. She knows I won’t hold a grudge longer than the duration of the class but I had to prove a point. She pushed it too far on Saturday.  On our way out of class she catches up and walks alongside of me for a few minutes, before muttering, “Sorry Kimber.”

I stop and turn to face her with a big smile, “I forgive you.”

She smacks her gum and admits, “You know he really does like you. Jordan I mean. I could see it. Especially when you walked out with Andrew, I thought he was going to go after you.”

I tilt my head and glare. She corrects, “Okay, I wouldn’t take it as far as him running after you but I know I saw something there.”

I tell her, “I told Andrew that it isn’t going to work.”

“I know.”

“What? How do you know?”

“After you left lover boy wasn’t much company. I tried to talk to him but it was kinda one sided. I left and went down the road. By the time I got there Andrew was sittin’ at the bar drowning his sorrows.”

I feel bad instantly at her words knowing I caused Andrew any pain.

She puts her hand on my arm and admonishes; “Now I know that look. Don’t you dare feel bad. A few minutes after I got there, Dana was makin’ him feel a whole lot better. You’re better off even if this thing with Jordan doesn’t work out.”

I glower at her, “Where exactly is down the road? Did you go to the Duck?”

She squirms and starts walking toward the doors to the parking lot. I call out to her, “Heidi DeLarue you went to the Duck and I wasn’t there? What the hell? I thought you hated that place.”

She spins around and nonchalantly tells me, “Okay, the place is growing on me. So sue me.”

I grin and walk right past her. She rushes to catch up suggesting, “You should let Jordan know how you feel today.” I don’t acknowledge her. Little does she know, that is exactly what I plan on doing. What do I have to lose at this point?

When I get to the ranch, my nervous energy doesn’t go unnoticed. Mrs. Bruin asks after I can’t stay in one spot, “Kimber, is everything alright? Is your mom doing okay?”

The first thing that pops into my head is the Jenna thing but that is definitely not something I can share with Mrs. Bruin. She already knows Momma isn’t going to win any mother of the year awards. I can’t let her know about the drinking, that will only make what she thinks of her, worse.

Instead I request, “I was wondering if I can take the lunches out today?”

She smiles, “Sure, that’s not a problem. Maybe we should get started on something special for them. What do you think we should make today?”

“How about oatmeal raisin cookies? Yours are my favorite.”

We set to making the cookies and the lunches. Before I know it I am pulling the wagon across the property to the barn. When I get out there, I notice all of the men except Jordan and Joe. So I concentrate on handing out the rest of the lunches. When I turn around after finishing up they are riding up on horses.

Joe gets off of his horse first and hands the reigns to Jordan. Then he exclaims, “Hey girl, if your sister won’t give me the time of day, maybe I’m looking in the wrong place.”

Then he lifts me like I’m a feather over his shoulder. I yell at him to put me down. I don’t know what has come over him and this is so not the way I wanted this to go.

He laughs the whole way to a bale of hay where he sets me down and turns away to get the horses from Jordan. I yell to Joe, “You’ll have no chance with Jenna if you do that again!”

When he walks away I stand up and concentrate on picking all of the hay off of my jeans. But really I’m bracing my nerves for what I’m about to do. Finally, I take a deep breath and grab a lunch. When I turn to hand it to Jordan he has taken a step closer. My heart speeds up at his nearness. When he takes the lunch from me I tell him, “Jordan, I’m sorry about yesterday.”