Fiendish: A Twisted Fairytale (64 page)

“Does the good outweigh the bad?”
I asked, cutting off any further excuses.

She only nodded in response.

“Then it’s settled, and I forgive you for walking out on me.” I placed my fingers under her chin, forcing her to look up at me. “But you don’t get to do that again.”

Chapter 43

Seth’s arm was wrapped tightly around my waist, and his leg was draped across both of mine, effectively holding me in place as we slept. He’d held me close all night, almost as if he’d feared I would be gone when he woke up. It wasn’t a very comfortable way for me to sleep, as I liked to change positions, and his grip prohibited me from doing that. Slowly, I eased onto my back in an attempt to slide free without waking him.

“Where are you going?” he asked sleepily.

“To the bathroom.”

Satisfied with my answer, he released the hold he had on me. I leaned down
, picking my shirt and panties up off the floor, putting them on before exiting the room. I knew Macy wasn’t here, but I didn’t feel comfortable walking the short distance to the bathroom naked. Looking at my reflection, I took stock of my appearance. I looked as exhausted as I felt. Last night had been draining. Having him show up, then our talk, I tried to let him know how I felt, but I didn’t know if I really got through to him. I know I didn’t when it came to the sex.

Once I caved and agreed to try things again, he behaved as though everything was behind us. He had even brought an overnight bag as if he knew what the outcome would be. For me there was, and is
, still so much in my head. I just needed some time to clear that out before being intimate with him, but I couldn’t make him understand that. My protests fell on deaf ears when he walked me towards my room last night. I should have stood my ground, should have made him take no for an answer, but I was weak. I loved him and he was sorry. It wouldn’t happen again, but I’d heard that so many times before. Paul was always sorry.

“But he
’s not Paul,” I whispered to my reflection. 

He wasn
’t Paul. There was no real comparison between them, and I wasn’t being fair to Seth in that regard. However, there was this little seed planted now; a nagging feeling of those familiar insecurities that I couldn’t shake. Was that the first time he’d been with someone else? He didn’t talk much about how he spent his time. Was he out with other women while I was at work or the nights we didn’t stay together?

I should have pushed for answers, but I was weak last night. For all the changes I wanted and needed to make, when pushed
, I was who I always am. A doormat. Angrily, I turned on the water for the shower and quickly brushed my teeth while it heated up. I had just stripped free of my clothes when Seth walked in.

“What are you doing?” I asked, hugging my shirt close to cover my nakedness.

I knew it was ridiculous to hide my body from him, and the smile on his face told me he thought the same.

“We both need to shower, so why not conserve water and do it togeth
er?” he answered, pulling the shirt free of my hands. 

I felt my entire body burn from embarrassment as his eyes leisurely roamed over me. I had been nude in front of him, but things felt differen
t now. The look he gave me wasn’t lustful; it was different, like he was trying to figure out something he hadn’t noticed before. The longer he stared at me, the more uncomfortable I became. Finally, Seth dropped his pants, and stepped into the shower, then held his hand out for me to join him.

When he started to bathe me, he kept his eyes focused on my face while his hands roamed over my body. He was very methodical in his actions, like he was examining me in the pro
cess. He didn’t say anything. He just went about his task, but he kept giving me these looks that I didn’t understand. When he was done, he quickly bathed himself then shut the water off, but he still didn’t speak. I delayed getting dressed in front of him, and I think he knew it. Seth pulled on his jeans and shirt then left the room. When I exited, I heard him moving around in the kitchen.  The power was only out for about an hour, so the food we had survived luckily. Seth made us brunch after our rather odd shower.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked, picking over my eggs.

“Of course,” he replied, putting down his fork and wiping his mouth with the napkin. 

I wasn
’t sure I wanted to know the answer to my question, or if he would even tell me the truth, but I had to ask anyway. The nagging voice in the back of my mind wasn’t going to rest until I did. Especially with the way he’d treated me earlier, I was left feeling like I was not meeting some standard he had set.

“And you will answer me honestly? Because if this, if I
’m going to put myself... I need you to be honest with me,” I said, looking up at him.

“I
’ve never lied to you, and I won’t start now.”

Taking a deep breath, I asked the question that was plaguing me. “Have there been others?”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean?”

“Women.
How many other women have you…been with since we...”

“Turned our relationship sexual? Or since we met in general?”
 

***

Calida frowned at me when I asked her to clarify her question. She went back to picking over her food. She’d seemed unsure of herself when we had sex last night. She’d asked for a little time, but she had already been given all the time I would allow. I could tell she was uncomfortable in her own skin, reminding me of the first time we were together, only a lot more reserved. The way she looked at me, the way she responded to me, let me know the issue wasn’t over for her.

“The first one,” she quietly replied, keeping her eyes trained on her plate.

“None,” I answered without hesitation, then went back to finishing breakfast.

Her brows scrunched together as if she doubted my answer, and she started chewing on the corner of lower lip.

“You’re doing it again,” I said, giving a brief glance at her.

“Doing what?”

“It’s been years since you were with him. And now he’s dead, which means you are unable to make peace with what he did to you. So you want to compare me to him and make me responsible for his sins. I told you last night I won’t pay for them.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I
’m not, or I don’t mean to.”

“You are. The look on your face when I answered your question leads me to think you don
’t believe my answer, which means you’re calling me a liar.”

She rolled her eyes before placing her fork down. “You
’re right, and I’m sorry,” she replied “I can’t help it. I know you’re different, we’re…our relationship is different, but being there when you...” She stopped, taking a shaky breath in an attempt to collect her thoughts and calm herself. “The last three months of our, Paul and I’s, relationship, were particularly hard for me. Things...things just weren’t right, but I was still trying. God only knows why, but I was. Anyway, I came home from work, and they must have lost track of time or didn’t care or something. I walked into the house, I mostly paid the rent on, to see him screwing some girl on our couch. So that night…that night when you were
with
her, it not only created a fresh wound, it reopened an old one as well. You looked me right in the eye when you…I’m not trying to imply you’re a liar, but I need you to understand that even though technically I may have consented, I didn’t want to do it. And...” She quit talking, diverting her eyes to her plate as she fought to contain the emotions that I could see were welling up in her again.

Silently, I listened to her as she opened up more to me about that night and her past with that man. She didn
’t look at me when she talked. Instead, she kept her head down, but I could hear the pain being replaced with anger. 

“And what?”
I gently prodded.

“You freak out and make me feel like shit because of other men, even if I wasn
’t doing anything wrong. You don’t want to share, well newsflash, I don’t either!” she screamed, standing.

Her chair was knocked over in the process, falling nosily to the ground.
 The glowering look she shot me would have probably scared a normal man, but I took it in stride. She didn’t show this side of herself often. The jealousy that was fueled by her insecurities, she kept it buried deep, hidden behind her normally meek exterior. She hid a lot more than I could have even imagined. This morning’s discovery was proof of that.  

“I dislike the idea probably more so than you
 considering my last relationship, but because you wanted to fuck some other girl you thought it was okay to serve me up on a silver platter, call it a threesome, and think all was just dandy.” She spoke fiercely. “Well, it wasn’t. To…to me, it was like you were unfaithful,” she said, her tone going from angry to hurt again. Calida’s eyes shimmered with the unshed tears pooling at the bottom. “Do you have any idea how horrible that was for me? To be forced to lay there while you did that! You looked me in the eye as you...” She choked on a sob. “It had to be the most heartless thing you could have ever done to me,” she finished quietly.

She wiped away the tears with the back of her hand; I could see it trembling slightly. She picked up her plate then stalked off to the kitchen.

She wore the mask well, and even I fell for it. Yes, she was a woman soft spoken, shy, eager to please and put others first, a woman that was emotionally damaged and easy for me to control, but there was more. We were more alike than I ever thought possible, showing the outside world what they wanted to see, a modified version of our true selves. Calida wanted others to think she was fine, but her outburst let me know that deep down she was an emotional wreck trying to deal with the pain the best way she could so that her world didn’t come caving down on her head. She had a fighting spirit that she was completely unaware of that kept her going day to day in spite of it all. I wondered if her friend even knew how much pain and sadness Calida hid behind her smile.

I picked up my plate, heading towards the kitchen. Stepping up behind her, I slid my plate into the sink where she stood washing the dishes.
 

“It wasn
’t about me wanting to fuck some other woman,” I said tenderly, wrapping my arms around her waist. “Quite the opposite in fact,” I continued, giving her a small kiss on the back of her head.

“Then what was it about?” she questioned, continuing to scrub away at the plate; her body was tense as she focused on her task.

“I told you last night it was an error in judgment on my part,” I replied, turning her to face me. “That is the only answer I have to give. It doesn’t matter what reason or explanation I give to you. Nothing I say will be able to make that night okay for you. Just know that it was never about the other woman, you are more than enough for me, and that it will never happen again. That I can promise you.”

***

I looked into his deep blue eyes, and part of me wanted to just fall back in where things left off before, to say okay and accept his response as is, but a small part of me demanded more. That inner part of me that didn’t want to be a push over, that wanted to demand more respect for myself. It was small, but it was there. Placing my hands on either side of his face, I stretched up on my tiptoes and gave him a tender kiss.

“That
’s not good enough,” I whispered against his lips. “I need to know why.”

I pulled back, and I saw him clenching his jaw. He didn
’t like being challenged and that familiar ball of nervousness began forming in my stomach. I should drop it, that look on his face was screaming at me to drop it, but I just couldn’t. I needed this; I needed to know why he would do that to me.

“You promised to be honest with me. Completely honest,” I said softly, standing my ground.
 

He gave me a hard stare
, causing me to involuntarily take a step back only there wasn’t much room to move.

“Yes, I did,” he replied finally, cocking his head to the side as he seemingly thought about that agreement.
 

A smile slowly spread across his face, but it wasn
’t one that helped to ease the growing anxiety I had as this stretched on. 

“Does that work both ways? The whole honesty thing?” he asked, twirling a strand of my hair around his finger.

“Yes, of course it does.”

“Okay, well last night you said that the night you left me was the
second
time you felt disgusted with yourself over a choice you made.”

I started shaking my head, realizing where this was going. I had walked right into that one. Pushing past him, I quickly exited the kitchen. Seth grabbed my arm, spinning me around to face him.

“Seth, everyone has skeletons in their closet that they’d rather not reveal. It’s the past and has no bearing on…”

“Liar!” he yelled, cutting me off. “You are all for honesty when it
’s me on the receiving end of the questions. And it has
everything
to do with where we are right now.”