Fiendish: A Twisted Fairytale (81 page)
“That
’s not what I’m doing, Mace,” I said, pulling my hands free.
“Then why do you insist on staying with him?
I can see you’re unhappy; something has changed.”
“Because I can
’t leave him,” I replied, taking a sip of my drink.
The waiter returned with our food, and Macy waited until he left before digging into my statement.
“What do you mean you
can’t
leave him? Like hell you can’t. If you need to stay with Mitch for a while or something, we can do that.”
I could hea
r the agitation in her voice. “It’s not like that,” I lied. “He…he needs me, so I can’t leave him.”
“What the hell does that mean? He needs you? You need to think about you. You need to put you first for a change.”
The emotion and concern in her voice was evident which made lying to her that much harder. What was I supposed to tell her as to why I had to stay? Clearly the truth wasn’t an option, but it had to be something that she could possibly believe. I took another sip of my drink, avoiding her gaze as she waited for me to respond. I thought about her comment. If ever there was a time when I couldn’t put myself first, this was it.
“He
’s sick,” I finally blurted out. It wasn’t a total lie; he had to be mentally unstable on some level to do what he does.
“Sick? What do you mean sick?”
“He’s…sick, and he needs me. He says it’s better when I’m around, so I can’t leave him.” I paused and took a slow breath. “In fact, I’m moving in with him and selling the house,” I added quickly.
“I
’m sorry, but what?” she exclaimed, stabbing her fork into her enchilada. “Lee, what the hell? This is all very out of the blue. You love our house, and you hate his, but now you are moving there? What is this
sickness
?”
I heard the frustration and agitation returning as she spoke. I didn
’t know how to make this better for her. I saw the worry and concern on her face, and there really wasn’t anything I could say to make that go away. The more I had to lie to her, the worse I felt, but it was the only way.
“I know
, Mace. I didn’t find out until his birthday, and I took it hard. The vacation was really an escape to give me time to deal, to process learning the…truth about him.”
I covered my face when I felt the tears starting. Maybe having this conversation in a public place was not such a good idea. Macy moved over to sit next to me
, providing me with quiet comfort until I was able to pull myself together.
“I
’m sorry. It’s just, this all has been so hard to take in.”
“Lee, his sickness, is it, um does it…Lee
, are you sick or have the potential to get sick?”
It took me a minute to register what she was asking, but I realized she was wondering if it was something that was contagious.
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “It’s…a…brain thing, nothing like you’re thinking.” I saw her visibly relax hearing me say that. “Okay,” I said, wiping my eyes with the corner of my napkin. “I feel like a big enough fool crying in the middle of this place. Can we talk about you now?”
I needed the subject changed because I felt the more I had to talk to her, the more my lie would give way to the truth, and I couldn
’t let things get that far. I could see she still wanted to find out more, but she let it go seeing how upset the topic made me. We spent the rest of lunch talking about how Mitch proposed.
She
’d woken up to a single rose on the nightstand and a card giving reason one of why he loved her. Rose petals led her to another rose and card. That pattern continued until she had one rose and reason for each month they had been together. The last one was in Mitch’s hand, and he was waiting down on one knee with the ring. It was the most romantic thing I had ever heard, and she had me in tears again as she talked. I was incredibly happy for her and genuinely looked forward to helping her plan her wedding, unlike Dorian’s. We talked a little about me selling the house and what she wanted to do with her furniture, and then we parted ways after making sure we had a standing weekly date for lunch.
When I arrived back at the house, I sat in the car
, willing myself to open the door. I felt this heavy weight in the pit of my stomach when I thought about having to sleep here tonight and every night after that. Knowing I couldn’t stay in the car forever, I finally got out and went inside. The house was quiet, too quiet, and even though he scared me, the thought of being alone in this place scared me more. Quickly I made my way upstairs in search of Seth. He wasn’t in his room or the library. I hesitated outside his piano room, pressing my ear to the door to see if I could hear him. When I couldn’t make out any signs of life, I opened the door and peeked inside. He wasn’t in there. I froze wondering if he was
out there
. My pulse began to race. I nearly tripped running back down the stairs. Office empty. The door to his gym was next; I heard the grunts coming from inside as he hit something before I opened the door. Relief flooded me.
***
As I headed towards our bedroom, I noticed the door to the front spare bedroom ajar. Calida sat curled up on the blue and gold chaise with her iPod, staring out of the window. She didn’t want to be here; she wasn’t comfortable here. On more than one occasion, she’d called our house creepy. I smiled a little recalling her creepy house on the hill comment. She was having to make a lot of adjustments all at once; I would need to try and be more considerate of that fact when dealing with her.
“How was lunch?” I asked, walking in and taking
a seat beside her.
“It was good,” she replied, removing her headphones.
“Did you manage to fix things with your friend?”
“Macy,” she said in a huff. “She has a name; you don
’t have to always refer to her as ‘my friend’. But yes, to answer your question, I managed to make her less angry at me.” she finished, turning to look back out the window.
“I
’m happy to hear that you and…Macy managed to work things out,” I replied.
“Are you really?” she asked me skeptically. “I would think Macy and I fighting would be the option you would prefer.”
I inched forward, taking her hands in mine. “Yes, Calida, I am. I know how important your…Macy is to you.”
“But that didn
’t stop you from threatening her life,” she retorted angrily.
“Well,” I said
, smiling as I cupped her face. “I am a man who does what he needs to get what he wants. You were a bit frantic that night and brought up that insane notion of leaving again. I needed to put it in terms that would get through to you.”
Calida looked down at our joined hands before pulling hers free. “Always with the manipulation,” she commented softly as she stood to put more distance between us. “Will it ever stop?”
With her arms wrapped protectively around her body, she stood staring out the window. This was still a struggle for her, even with the admission of my feelings for her.
“You still have doubts.”
She dropped her head, pulling her arms tighter around her body. “How could I not, Seth?” she whispered as she turned to face me again. “You just admitted to threatening my friend as a way to get what you wanted from me. Hearing that, coupled with everything else I’ve learned recently, how can you expect me not to have doubts? I can’t trust my own feelings, and I can’t trust what you say. I’m sorry I’m not processing this in a way you would like. Believe me, the last thing I want to do right now is make you angry, but…”
“But what?”
I encouraged gently.
“Nothing”
“No, it’s something, so say it.”
“I…I can
’t,” she said, shaking her head.
“You can and will. Now,” I replied, getting up from the chaise.
Calida took a deep breath, running her hands through her hair. Her hands made fists around the silky strands as she did slow exhales of breath.
“I don
’t think I can be that person, the one you want me to be. The old me,” she blurted out quickly. “I’m not that person anymore!” she screamed, her arms thrown out to her sides for emphasis. “The rose colored glasses have been smashed to bits, and I’m left to face the gruesome, ugly truth. How can you expect me to be the same after that?”
“Because who I am hasn
’t changed!” I yelled, letting some of the frustration slip through. “I’ve always been this man.”
“But who I thought you were has!” she cried out in response.
***
An odd expression fluttered across Seth
’s face. I wasn’t sure if he was confused by my statement or if he was angry. These days, I seemed to always be in fear of his anger and rightfully so. I took tentative steps back as he approached me, bracing myself for what was to come. I put my hands against his chest when he wrapped his arms around my waist.
“Who did you think I was?” he inquired. His voice was low, but it didn
’t contain the undertones of anger I was expecting.
“Not someone capable of murder,” I whispered.
One of his hands journeyed up my back until it rested at the base of my neck. I tensed, waiting on his grip to tighten, but it didn’t. Instead, he started running his fingers gently through my hair.
“And now?”
I rested my head on his chest. Now? Now I was scared, and confused. Now I didn’t know what to think or what to trust as being real or not real. Now I wished I didn’t know any of this. I wished I hadn’t agreed to get that fucking tattoo. Now I wished I hadn’t gotten so angry and threatened to leave. Now I wished I could go back, but how far back? That was the most important question. The one I couldn’t answer.
***
I quietly continued to run my fingers through her hair as I waited for her to respond. I wanted to press her, to make her talk, but I refrained from doing so. Who she thought I was had changed. She had only said she didn’t believe me to be capable of murder before but didn’t directly answer who she really thought I was. But that didn’t matter because that man was one she could and did love.
Whoever she felt me to be now, however, was a person she struggled to feel the same way about, and I found myself bothered by that fact. I
’ve always been who I am, never caring about how my actions affected others. Until now, until her.
You gave her a false version of yourself, and look where that’s gotten you.
My arm tightened around her waist, burying my face in her hair. I inhaled deeply letting her familiar rose scent calm me as I struggled to keep control of my thinning patience. Calida’s body tensed in response, undoubtedly taking my action as a sign of frustration, and I suppose I had conditioned her to have that reaction.
“I don
’t know what to think now, Seth, but I know I’m scared of you now more than anything,” she spoke softly, keeping her head resting against me. “I’m being forced to deal with and accept things I’d never thought possible. You were never an easy man to love, and I blindly accepted things about you, made excuses, and talked myself into believing...” Her voice quivered, and she stopped talking to compose herself. “I’m not like you, Seth, so I’m trying to reconcile the man I wish you were against the man that you are. And it’s not easy.”
She lifted a hand to wipe away the tears.
She was crying; she always cried.
“I am the same man
, Calida. I have done some things you find disturbing, and I can now understand your feelings since you aren’t like me. You are the light to my dark; you are my balance. Things can be like they were. You just have to allow it; you just have to stop fighting so hard because you think it’s wrong to love me.”
Calida pulled away, allowing me to see not only the doubt and fear she still had, but also the sadness.
Mother had that same look, so it was one I remembered well from my childhood. Calida didn’t say anything else. She walked over to the chaise to retrieve her iPod before heading towards the door.
“Why were you in here?” I asked
, taking hold of her arm, halting her steps.
She looked in the direction of where our room was located then back at the window above the chaise.
“A better view.”
Of course, this room sat at the front of the house. Those first few days she spent staring out the window towards the shed. It wasn
’t just that she thought our house was ‘creepy’ when she said she didn’t want to be here earlier today. She viewed it now as a place of death; seeing that shed would be a constant reminder of everything she was trying to forget.
“We can sleep in here instead if it would make you feel better.”
Calida looked up at me with a surprised expression on her face.
“I understand you don
’t feel quite at home here yet. If sleeping in a different room helps you, then that’s what we will do,” I said, wiping away a stray tear.
