Fifteen Lanes (25 page)

“Perhaps now that Madison’s had a few days to reflect on her actions, she has something she’d like to say to Grace,” prompted the counselor.

Madison’s silence filled the room.

“Grace,” said the counselor, undaunted, “perhaps you’d like to tell Madison how her actions affected you.”

My own silence joined Madison’s.

“We have to talk this out, girls,” said Mr. Smiley. “We’re not leaving here until we do.”

“Is someone going to send out for pizza?” I asked.

It was a failed attempt to lighten the mood. Madison’s lips didn’t even twitch.

“Well, at least we’re talking,” said Mr. Smiley optimistically. “So, why don’t you go first, Grace. How did Madison’s actions make you feel?”

My hands were resting in my lap. I pressed gently on my thigh, where my feelings were inscribed for my eyes only. It ached a little.

“I’m over it. I’d just like to put it behind me.”

Mr. Smiley looked disappointed. “Madison, do you have anything to add?”

Madison met my eyes for the first time. My mouth went dry. Her gaze shifted to Mr. Smiley. “I’ve learned my lesson, sir.”

“And what lesson was that?”

“That I shouldn’t betray my friends.”

There was a long pause. Mr. Smiley was obviously trying to decide whether I was the betrayed friend that Madison was talking about.

“That’s good to hear,” he finally said. “Isn’t it, Grace?”

“Terrific.”

“Well, girls, you can go back to class.”

Madison and I filed out. I was glad we were heading to different classes. My heart was still pounding from the malevolent look she’d given me back there. I planned to peel off the second we passed out of the office doors, but she grabbed my arm.

“Do you know that in addition to destroying my college chances you got me grounded for six weeks? You show off your skanky body to the entire school and I get punished. You know what you are? You’re a
disgrace
.”

She stressed the last syllable in case I couldn’t work out that she was doing a play on my name.

“I don’t know what to say. I already apologized for flirting with fake-Todd. I offered to go to Smiley with you to tell him Kelsey was the one texting me. It’s not my fault you chose to take the blame.” But I’d let her. Was it my fault?

“Unlike you, I don’t betray my friends.”

“What do you want from me, Madison?”

“I want everyone to know the truth about you.”

“What truth? That I sent a topless photo to some random person? That I’m the least popular girl in school? Unless
they’ve been in a coma for the past three weeks, I can assure you they do know.”

“You’re right about that. Your
dis-grace
is legend.”

I wrenched my arm out of her grasp and walked away. I thought she’d hurl some parting shot but she didn’t. She saved that for later.

The rest of the school day passed without incident. That was the way I thought of it, as if incident were the norm and lack of it was noteworthy.

I got home to find Mom at the door, as she always was these days. If hawkeyed concern was supposed to make me feel loved, it wasn’t working. All I felt was suffocated.

“Did you see Madison today?” she asked. That was her greeting. No hello.

“Yeah, Mr. Smiley called us both in.”

“Really? He should have told me he was going to do that. I would have come.”

“It went well, Mom. Everything’s okay between us now.”

“What did she say?”

“She apologized.”

“As if that’s enough for what she did!”

“It is enough, Mom. It’s over.”

“What about the other kids?”

“What other kids?”

“What are kids saying about what you did? Are they treating you differently?” She’d asked me this question every day for two weeks. By now she had to know what I was going to say. Just like I knew what she was going say.

“No one’s said anything. They’ve forgotten about it.”

“Forgotten?! I assure you they haven’t forgotten.” And there
it was. Whether other kids were still being mean or were really moving on, the one person who would never forget was my mom. To give her credit, she was sounding less accusatory and more resigned, so perhaps we were making progress.

“I’m going to take Bosco for a walk,” I said. The reason for the change in subject was not lost on her.

“I’ll come with you.”

“I need some time alone, Mom.”

“We can talk about your birthday. What would you like this year?”

“Can you buy me a new life?”

“Grace!” Mom looked devastated. I shouldn’t have said it.

“Sorry, I’m just joking.” I gave her a hug. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. Please stop worrying.” If she ever found out about the bullying, much less the cutting, she’d never let me out of the house.

She hovered in the doorway while I fetched Bosco and followed us out to the elevator lobby. I could tell she was debating whether to insist on coming. It wouldn’t have been the first time. The relief when the elevator doors closed, leaving her behind, was almost as intense as the feelings I got from cutting.

By the time I got back, Dad was home and we sat down to dinner. Mom happily relayed my lie that things had gone well with Madison. Dad, with his own brand of vigilance, asked for details, which unfortunately required further lies. He was skeptical when I said that Madison wasn’t angry, so I told him that Madison and Kelsey had invited me to eat lunch with them again.

Finally they moved on to what I wanted for my birthday. Truthfully, there was nothing I wanted, but Dad loved spoiling us with presents so I came up with a few suggestions. Then
Mom started badgering me about having a party. It was her version of spoiling. I regretted lying about Madison and Kelsey when Mom practically insisted we invite them over to help me celebrate.

“It’s important to show you have no hard feelings,” said Mom.

“But I’ve already made plans with Noor and VJ,” I improvised.

“Well, they can come too. You can have as many people as you want.”

“Let me talk to them and get back to you.”

I escaped to my room shortly after. My excuse—homework—was legitimate for once. I had a ton. It was close to eleven by the time I broke the back of it and could turn to my nightly ritual of checking Facebook for new hate messages. I hadn’t had any for a week, so I wasn’t even nervous when I saw an invitation to join a Facebook group, until I saw the name. I shouldn’t have clicked on it.

I’m not sure what I expected. I do know that when the page opened with my topless image, in full living color, my world turned black. I slid off my chair and sank to the floor, putting my head between my bent knees. I took deep raggedy breaths but couldn’t stop my heart from pounding or my head from spinning. It was everything Mom had predicted. My half-naked image was now on the Internet. Available for everyone to see. Forever.

Finally I pulled myself up and sat down again at my computer. The possibility that my parents might see this page made me feel physically ill. I grabbed the trash can from beside my desk and held it on my lap, in case I threw up, while I scrolled through the forum. I had to know how bad it was.

It was bad.

Every comment was more heinous and humiliating than the one before, as if they were competing to see who could be the crudest. It was hardly surprising, given the name of the group.

DissGrace
.

Madison may not have engineered my original downfall but she was definitely behind this. With a three-day suspension she’d had time on her hands, and judging from the comments, the page had been up since the very first day. I will say one thing for Madison: she knew how to rally support. She wasn’t the only one who thought I was an ugly hag.

It was a long while before I turned off my computer, and a long while after that before I walked over to my bag and fished out the knife. It was lucky I’d kept it. It had been over a week since I’d inscribed Todd’s appraisal. I’d been thinking about returning it to the kitchen. Even without Noor’s support, I’d been feeling stronger. I’d thought I was done. I’d hoped I was.

This was my longest inscription yet, seven letters, two words. I was careful to line up the
U
with the
S
and the
L
so I had to wrap the rest of it around the back of my thigh. It was awkward. I thought about the femoral artery. It was so accessible, and I had the right equipment.

I knew now that people at school were never going to forget I’d stripped off for a total stranger. My image on the Internet would be an eternal reminder. The bullying wasn’t going to stop. The only way to end it was if I ended it. I could make it look like an accident, though my parents wouldn’t be consoled by the idea that I’d accidentally bled out while etching
UGLY HAG
into my thigh.

I had to take a break after a couple of letters to go fetch tissue so I didn’t bleed on my bedspread. Wasn’t I lucky to be so wealthy and well cared for that I had my own en suite bathroom? It was yet another privilege I had over Noor. I’d been insane to think I could ever tell her about this. The absurdity of voluntarily carving up my own flesh was staggering, and yet I couldn’t stop. I played with my life, while she struggled for hers. She must never know.

Bosco watched from the foot of my bed, my only witness.

“What do you think, buddy? Am I crazy? Wouldn’t I be doing everyone a favor by ending this tonight?”

His soft brown eyes held silent reproach.

“You’d still have Mom. And Kyle will be home at Christmas. You know, when he returns you’re going to want to be with him anyway. This was never more than a temporary arrangement.”

My phone pinged from inside my bag. It was probably my brother again. His timing was uncanny. I had to force myself to walk over and take out my phone. I didn’t put down the knife, certain this was going to be something else I’d rather not read.

I was wrong.

The text was brief and to the point.

go to zoo sunday? noor

I sat down at my desk chair and stared at the letters I’d just finished chiseling into my flesh. They shone crimson in the light of the overhead lamp. I swiped my tissue over the A. I’d cut a little too deep; it was still dripping. I looked back at the message and read it again.

what time? I asked.

10 am at the flamingos

“Flamingos, Bosco, what do you think of that? I can’t check
out before I’ve seen the flamingos.” I put the knife back in my bag and returned to the bed, plopping down, phone still in hand.

ok

Bosco heaved his lazy self to his feet, padded closer and dropped his head into my lap. I lay down and curled around him, my face buried in his soft woolly fur. The steady rise and fall of his chest lulled me to sleep.

Without a matriarch …

It was my idea to visit the zoo. Grace seemed lonely and in need of a friend, but it was Parvati I was most concerned about. More and more she was succumbing to Suresh’s domination. She rarely bothered to fight him anymore, as if she too believed he owned her. I’d seen so many spirits crushed among the girls and women in my community. I couldn’t bear to see it happen to Parvati.

Parvati had always loved the zoo. We’d discovered it together years ago, a refuge from our lives. I wasn’t sure how she’d feel about sharing it with Grace but she didn’t hesitate.

“Are you sure she’ll like it?” asked Parvati.

“No,” I said honestly. “I think she will like doing something with us though. She was sorry you didn’t come last week.”

A shadow crossed Parvati’s face and I cursed myself for reminding her.

“Was the café very grand?” asked Parvati.

“It was a waste of money. The zoo is much nicer,” I reassured her.

Unlike the café, the zoo was cheap, even if we paid to get in. Of course, Parvati and I never did pay. Years ago we’d found a back entrance where we could sneak in for free. In the cooler months, I would take Shami and Aamaal whenever I had the bus fare. Recently, though, Shami’s illnesses had sapped my cash reserve. The large grounds were like walking through an ancient forest. The trees were twisted giants, covered in vines and moss. I imagined that many of them, like the zoo, were over one hundred years old. It was one of the few places we could go where people weren’t fighting over every inch of pavement.

Most of the cages were empty, and more animals were gone each time we visited. Only the signs were left to suggest what might once have been there: lions and rhinoceros, leopards and tigers. It must have been something to see all those animals in real life, but on the bright side, the zoo had fewer visitors now, and the animals that were left had become old friends.

“I want to see the bear,” said Aamaal, staring, bored, at the flamingos. “And the deer and the spotted dog.”

“He’s not a dog, Aamaal.” I was hoping she’d forgotten about the hyena. It was the one animal I did not like to visit.

“Do you think she’ll bring Vijender Patel?” Parvati asked anxiously. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see him or was scared he would come—Parvati never flirted with boys anymore. She didn’t even speak to them, if she could avoid them. I used to wish she was more cautious. Now that she was, all I felt was longing for the girl she used to be.