Fighting Blind (5 page)

Present

Mackenzie

“You sure you want to do this?” Sylvia asks, helping me fold what few items I have.

No. But Theo isn’t giving me a choice. And as much as I hate to admit it, I need his help. I’ve spent the last three years running from my mistakes. I don’t know if I can do it any longer.

I glance at Logan, who’s sitting on the floor, chatting with her stuffed animals.

My beautiful girl.
She’s the reason I keep fighting.

Big brown eyes, so much like Theo’s, look up at me. Full bottom lip, the slight cleft in her chin. Little things, small similarities, and I wonder if he’ll notice.

He doesn’t remember.

Any of it.

That’s the only explanation I can think of for him not making the connection. And if he doesn’t remember…I shiver. Well, it changes everything.

“He’s here.” A teen, with rainbow hair and a row of piercings above her brow, snakes her head around the door, and gives me a thumbs up.

I manage a small smile, but my stomach is twisted in knots.

What am I doing?

“Mama.” Logan tugs on her ear and smiles up at me.

The antibiotics are finally kicking in. Her fever is down, and she doesn’t seem to be in as much pain. But what if Theo hadn’t been there to pay for the meds?

A knot forms in my throat. I know I’ve failed her. Love only goes so far. It doesn’t feed a hungry tummy, or provide a stable home, and it can’t pay for medicine for a sick child.

It also can’t protect me from the man who’s been stalking me for the past three years.

He found me twice. The first time was a few months after I left. I’d been staying in a shelter in Northern New York, looking for work, using my real name.
Stupid.

I didn’t recognize him until he had me cornered in a Denny’s restroom. He wore a baseball cap, and his dark beard covered most of his face. It happened so fast. I didn’t have time to react, before he had me plastered against the stall, his meaty hands wrapped around my throat, daring me to scream. Beat me up pretty good before an employee walked in. I was able to escape. Didn’t even go back to the shelter. Just hopped on a bus heading west.

The second time was less than a year ago. I still don’t know how he tracked me down. I’d changed my name, and was working under the table. Still when the first letter came, I knew it was him.

He was locked up. State penitentiary. And yet he’d found me.

Each letter read the same. A date.
September 23
rd
.
And the harrowing words.
You die.

The date is only a few weeks away.

A shiver races down my spine.

“Mackenzie?” Sylvia touches my shoulder.

I give her a small smile and nod. I need to do this–
for Logan
. A small sliver of stability in her otherwise turbulent world. Even if it’s just for a couple weeks.

That’s all it can be, because my time is ticking down.

Still…

I can’t help the hope that stirs inside me, even though I know how dangerous it is. As soon as I figure out a way, I need to take Logan and run as far away from here as possible.

“You ready, pretty girl?” I crouch low, and brush my fingers over her soft curls.

“Mama, pretty.” She places a chubby hand on my cheek and gives me a big smile that brightens up her whole face.

I fall in love with her all over again. In the hell that has become my life, she is my light. Without her, I am nothing.

“Time to go and meet Mama’s friend.”

She gives a small nod and takes my hand, tucking her stuffed monkey under her other arm and placing her thumb in her mouth. I’ve tried to break her of it, but she does it whenever she’s nervous, which has been a lot lately. 

With her tiny palm in mine, I exhale slowly and walk to the front where Theo is waiting.

He’s leaning against the front door. A dark t-shirt stretches across his broad chest, exposing the tattoos that snake up his right arm. He didn’t have them when I left, but I know each one from the pictures online.

His dark eyes catch my gaze and hold it for a long moment. My cheeks warm, remembering the kiss we shared in his car. I haven’t let myself think too much about the significance of it.
Why, now, he chose to want me.
If I do, I know I won’t have the strength to leave when I have to.

“Hi.” He studies me, and I get the impression he’s ready for me to bolt.

Logan hugs my knee, hiding her face. She hasn’t been around men, and I’m not sure how she’s going to be with him.

The pressure in my chest increases.

He doesn’t realize how significant this moment is, but I do.
It’s the first time he’ll meet his daughter.

Guilt creeps along the back of my neck. I know how wrong it is to keep the truth from him. What a coward I’ve been. And I know he’ll hate me when…no,
if
, he finds out.

“Logan.” I place my hand on her head. “I want you to meet mommy’s friend.”

Theo looks slightly uncomfortable, but he squats on the balls of his feet, and looks directly at Logan, giving her a dimpled grin.

“I’ve got someone here who’d like to meet you.” He pulls a stuffed princess doll from a Toys “R” Us bag and holds it out to her.

She looks at Theo, then up at me, brown eyes wide.

“It’s okay,” I say, giving her a reassuring smile.

Her fingers release me, and she takes a few tentative steps towards Theo, hugging her pink monkey against her chest.

“Who do you have there?” He nods at the stuffed animal she clutches.

“Monkey,” she says, handing it to him.

My heart skips a beat. She’s usually possessive over the toy.

“Well, hello Monkey.” Theo holds the doll up as if introducing her to the money. “This is my friend…Dora.”

“No.” Logan giggles and shakes her head.

“No?” Theo’s brows raise. “What’s her name then?”

Logan scrunches her face up, as if thinking, then says boldly, “Pwincess.”

“Princess?” Theo tickles her belly, and she hoots with laughter. “But I thought your name was Princess?”

“No.” She giggles again.

“What’s your name?”

“Logan.” She still has a hard time pronouncing her Gs, so it comes out sounding like Lo-an.

“Logan.” Theo beams at her, and she beams right back. Side by side, they are more alike than I thought. “Well that’s a very pretty name. My name’s Theo. It’s nice to meet you, Princess Logan.”

She smiles, then wraps her arms around her new doll when he hands it and the monkey back to her.

“You and your mommy are going to come stay with me for a little bit. Is that okay?”

She gives a small nod, then glances back at me with a giant smile. “Look mama.”

“I see.” My heart warms and yet feels like it’s been crushed at the same time.

Theo stands, and his eyes return to me. “Is that all you have?”

I glance down at the single suitcase I hold, more proof of how pitiful my life has become. “Yeah.”

He takes it, and I scoop Logan up in my arms, following him outside.

I still can’t believe I’m doing this, but I can’t deny how right it feels.

Theo opens the passenger door of his silver Mustang and flips the seat forward. There’s a high-back booster seat in the back. 

I look at him, open-mouthed, not knowing what to say. I hadn’t even thought about a car seat. But he had.

“Is it all right?” He frowns, clearly worried. “I told the lady at the store her size and she said this should do.”

“No. It’s perfect.”

The drive is awkward. Even Logan, who usually babbles endlessly, remains silent. I shift in my seat, feeling restless.

“There’s a private entrance for the upstairs apartments,” he says, as we pull into the parking lot behind the gym.

I frown up at the second floor, realizing how big it is. “How many apartments are there?”

“Only two. Come on.” He keys in a sequence of numbers on a keypad beside a chrome door. “The code is zero, six, two, five. Can you remember that or do you want me to write it down?”

“I can remember.” Of course I can. It’s my birthday. I study the back of his head as he leads me up the stairs. I wonder if he knows he did that.

When he gets to the door marked two, he turns and looks at me.

Logan is on my hip, her head tucked under my chin.

I chew on my lip. Doubt. Fear. Hope. Emotions swarm me, choke me. I can feel tears building at the back of my eyes, and I have to blink them away.

“You okay?” His eyes search mine.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

“Yes. Thank you for all this.”

“Don’t thank me until you see the place.” He winks, then opens the door and sets my bag in the corner of the front hall.

“I got groceries, but if there is anything you need, just let me know and I’ll run to the store.” He fidgets with his keys, pulling one off, then handing it to me. 

It’s cleaner than I expected. And bigger. All the kitchen appliances are new, stainless steel. There’s a couch and flat screen TV in the living room, and the bathroom has been updated within the last few years.

It’s way more than I expected.

“The master bedroom is here.” He taps on a door as he walks past, then opens a second door.

The room is empty, except for a large rectangular box leaning against the wall.

“I didn’t have time to put it together, but I got another present for you.” Theo pokes at Logan’s belly and she giggles. “It’s a princess bed, for Princess Logan.”

Logan claps her hands and yells, “Yay!”

“I can set it up now.” He moves to the box and pulls out a flip blade from his pocket.

My pulse immediately increases.  The reaction is silly, but I can’t help it. Fear pounds on my chest and I can’t breathe.

“It’s okay. Logan sleeps with me, so–”

“I wanna pwincess bed.” She reaches her chubby arms out to Theo.

He looks at her, then back at me, not knowing which one of us to obey.

“Pwincess bed, mama.” She claps her hands again, then plants a big wet kiss on my lips.

“All right.” I sigh, setting her on the ground. She immediately starts spinning and dancing around the bare room. “I’ll let you two set it up.”

Theo looks like he’s about to protest when I start to leave, but I don’t give him the chance.

I need a second to recoup.

In the kitchen, I grab a glass from the cupboard and run the tap. My hands shake as I take a sip. I close my eyes and place my palms on the counter.

What am I doing?

He thinks we’re staying. This isn’t fair. To him or to Logan. I need to leave now.

I’m not sure how long I stand there, but it’s long enough for Theo to set up the bed.

“Mama. Look. Come.” Little hands tug on my leg.

Theo is leaning against the doorframe studying me, brows drawn down. I feel like he can read my mind, like he knows I plan on running. Good. Maybe it won’t be such a shock when I do.

“Okay, baby girl.” I let Logan pull me to the bedroom.

She runs and jumps on the plastic, pink toddler bed. It’s the perfect size for her. Low enough that if she falls out, she won’t hurt herself. I doubt she’ll stay in it though. There hasn’t been a single night since she was born that she hasn’t slept in my arms.

“My bed,” she squeals.

Theo moves beside me, so close our arms brush. His fingers graze mine, gently, as if he’s testing my reaction. I lean in just enough to let his hand clasp mine.

My chest swells painfully. The gesture of what he’s done is not lost on me.

“You have no fucking idea how much I’ve missed you,” he says softly.

His tortured admission breaks me. I swallow thickly, trying to keep my tears at bay.

Since my throat is too tight to speak, I give him a small smile.  Will he feel the same when he finds out the truth?
If
he finds out. I still don’t know what I’m going to do.

I can’t tell him. If I do, will he try to take Logan from me?

My eyes close tightly, the urge to run fighting against the urge to wrap my arms around his neck and give myself over to him.

He rests his forehead against mine and releases a heavy breath.  “I’ll let you two get settled.”

I don’t want him to go, but I also need the space. Time to think.

I walk him to the door.

“If you need anything, I’ll be across the hall.”

“Across the hall?”

“Who do you think lives in the other apartment?” He gives me one of his classic Theo Ryan grins.