Figure 8 (16 page)

I sober immediately at his words, I am scared, why would he ever think I would leave him?

“Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” Jen startles me back into the now.

“I need to go and find Damon. I need to find out what’s going on Jen, the not knowing is killing me.” How the hell did I end up here? My intentions were to find Damon when I first left the apartment, and now I am here, half cut, drinking coffee and panicking over an answer machine message. I quickly send a message to Damon telling him where I am and to come and get me. He replies seconds later telling me he will arrive in a few minutes.

Damon arrives at the flat a few minutes later. I glance out of the window giving him a small wave to let him know that I will be down shortly.

“What are you going to say to him?”

“I really don’t know, Jen. I am scared. I’m scared that I might lose him, but I am also scared that he has lied to me and that he may not be the person I thought he was. I mean why would he have enemies?”

“We all have a past Izzy. Some of us more disastrous than others. Hear him out, don’t jump to conclusions until he tells you everything but make sure he does tell you everything.” She sighs heavily. “Do you love him, I mean really love him?”

“Yes Jen, I love him with every beat of my heart. I love him so much that it hurts.”

“Then go and listen to him and fight for him.”

“Thanks babe.” I give her a big squeeze, I tip the coffee cup and let the remaining gloopy mixture travel down my throat. Exiting the flat, I feel really nervous. I am scared of this conversation. What if I don’t like what I am about to hear? What if he is mixed up in some gangster related stuff or something criminal and we are all in danger? I try my best to push the frustration of not knowing back, but I can’t help but wonder what he hasn’t told me and why.

Opening the door to the Range Rover I try not to look at him directly but I can’t miss the panic on his face.

“Iz, please hear me out before you say anything. Let’s get back home and I will explain.” I turn and face the door, shifting my body close to the leather panels. I hear him sigh as he pulls the car out into the traffic ahead. The entire journey is silent and full of tension. I don’t know if I am angry or upset with him. I think it’s a mixture of both. I am angry because he has obviously hidden things from me, I am sad because I am so scared that this is the end for us. I am scared that whatever he is going to tell me is going to break us apart. There is no other explanation as to why he wouldn’t tell me something. It has to be big enough for me to want to walk away. The tension is unbearable and I let out a massive breath when the car finally stops. I can’t get out quick enough. I don’t even wait for him to leave the car before I am in the building and heading up the stairs. I open the door to the apartment, throw my bag and shoes down and collapse on the sofa.

Waiting.

Waiting for what?

My life to end.

The life that I have only just started to live.

Is it all going to come crashing down around me?

His love has left me breathless for so long, how am I going to breathe again on my own?

I feel like someone is punishing me. Someone doesn’t want me to be happy. I hear him closing the door quietly behind me. His breathing is heavy and I hear it pick up pace as he gets closer to me. He sits on the other sofa and turns to face me.

“Isabelle, before I start I want to ask you to please let me tell you everything before you make a decision. Also, I want to say that I love you, I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you. Everything I have done has been to protect you and to make your life better.” I look up into his blues. I am confused, what has all this got to do with me?

“Why have I needed protecting, Damon?”

“Let me tell you my story.” I lift my legs underneath my bum and get comfy. I think about going and getting a glass of wine but I have just started to sober up and I don’t think it will help.

“When I was fourteen my father and my brother both went to jail.” That’s why he is estranged from them and why he never talks about them. Finally the small details slot into place. “My brother was the person that called you that day, when you were told to stay away from me.” His face looks distraught. This normally controlled man is falling apart and I hate it. “He was also the person that attacked us.”

“I don’t understand, Damon. Why?”

“Because he doesn’t want us to be together.” He looks down at his hands, which are furiously clenched together into fists. “My mom, she killed herself because of what my father did. She tried for a while to come to terms with it, for me because I was still so young and vulnerable, but it ate away at her daily. She became obsessed and depressed and it all got too much until one day.” He takes a deep breath. “One day, I came home and found her in the bath, she had taken a whole bottle of Valium and cut her wrists.” Images come flooding back of that day on the bathroom floor. The day that Damon and I first met. Images of what I did, it must have brought back such painful memories for him. I go to stand up, I want to hold him but he stops me. “Let me finish.” I nod my head.

“Things were really hard for me back then. I went to live with a foster family for a while but I became aggressive and rebellious. I wanted to lash out at the world. I didn’t understand why my mother wanted to leave me so badly. Then I met a doctor who was amazing. He helped me to cope with my emotions; he helped me to learn that it wasn’t my fault and that there was nothing that I could have done. Dr Kirkland made me want to be a psychiatrist. He made me want to help people like me, to help people like you.” His eyes bore into mine, I see deep into his soul. But it still doesn’t explain why his brother attacked us. “Anyway, I picked myself up and I finished school. I went to college and worked hard so that I could move over here. I was obsessed too, you see. I was obsessed with a little girl. A little girl who lost her mom and couldn’t cope.” I look up at him, realising that he is talking about me.

“Me?” I have to ask to make sure. He just nods, looking sullen.

“Yes Isabelle, you. I had seen your face in the newspaper clippings that my mother had kept. I followed you around and took pictures for my mother. I saw the sadness in your eyes. Mom wanted to try and make things better for you, but she couldn’t. So when she died, I took over her plan.

“I worked hard and I followed you here. I’ve watched you for four years. Trying to find a way into your life, hoping that one day you would need me, but also terrified that you wouldn’t ever want to know me once you knew the truth.” I am really confused about all this. Why me, why would his mother want to help me?

“But why me, Damon? How did your mom know me?”

“She didn’t know you.”

“Then wh..” I stop breathing when the realisation of what he is telling me hits me. Then I panic and the bile rises from my stomach. It all happens so quickly. I throw up all over the floor. Damon is by my side holding me so quickly. I try to get out of his grip but he is too strong holding me down.

“Let me explain, Izzy. I didn’t want to tell you because I was scared of how you would react.” The words are coming out of his mouth so fast but I am barely acknowledging what he is saying. I need to get away. I need to get out of here. I can’t listen to what he is about to tell me. “ISABELLE,” he roars. “Please stop struggling and listen to the rest of the story.” I calm down but he doesn’t let go. “My father was in a motorcycle gang, I think that’s why my mom liked him so much. She fell for the bad guy image.

“When my brother became of age, my dad started taking him out with him. My mom knew all of his dealings weren’t legal but she loved him. One night they both came home covered in blood.” I throw up again, tears streaming down my face. I don’t want to hear it. I can’t hear anymore. “She cleaned him up and never said a word. She never asked questions, but then she saw it on the news and in the papers. She went to the police the next day and turned both her husband and son into the authorities. She gave them the clothes that she had promised to burn and they arrested them later that day.” A strangled sob escapes my mouth and I curl up on the floor in a ball hoping that if I make myself small enough then I can disappear. “I am so sorry Iz, I am sorry that I didn’t tell you, I am sorry that I lied, but I am not sorry for loving you.”

“Loving me! Loving me! How can you say that you love me? HOW?” I need to leave now. I stand but my legs feel like jelly.

“Please don’t leave, Izzy. I know you’re angry with me now but I just wanted to help you. I didn’t think that you would ever fall in love with me. I tried to stop myself, I really did but I was already in love with you. Then when you wanted me to kiss you it took everything in my power to stop me from doing it. I just couldn’t fight myself any longer. I didn’t want you to find out.” He looks at me with guilt in his eyes. “But then David was released from prison. He found out that I had moved over here, he came to find me, to take me back home. He wants us to be there for our father when he is released. When he realised who you were he tried to ruin us. My investigator found him. I went to see him this morning.”

“Why, why would you ever want to see him after what they did?”

“I wanted to tell him to leave us alone. I wanted to tell him that they were both dead to me. To tell him that I never wanted anything to do with them ever again.” The words are rushing out of his mouth in a panic.

“What did he say?”

“He has promised to leave, he won’t bother us again,” I shake my head.

“I just can’t process this Damon. Your family killed my mom. They stole my life.”

“And I gave you your life back. Tell me I haven’t made you happier than you have ever been, tell me that you don’t love me, and I will walk away.” Tears stream down his face; the fear is etched in his eyes. He knows this is the end.

“It’s all been based on a lie though.” My tears are flooding. I struggle to breathe in between sobs.

“No, no it hasn’t. My love for you is real and I know that your love for me is real. Please Isabelle, please let me try to make this up to you. Let me make things right. Please, don’t leave me, don’t walk away from me.” I take my shoes and my bag from off the floor and I head towards the door.

“I need time. I need to think about everything you have told me. I don’t know if I can accept this. I don’t know if we can ever get passed this. I do love you, Damon, but I don’t know if I am strong enough.” I watch as he sinks to his knees, the tears pouring out of him fast.

“Please don’t leave me.”

I walk through the door closing it loudly behind me, never looking back.

I sink to the floor outside my father’s house. His car isn’t here so I assume he is at work. I put my head in my hands and wait. I cry, tears stream down in buckets. I must have looked possessed on the tram ride to Altrincham, black mascara lining my face.

I don’t know how long I sit here before I feel warm hands embracing me, lifting me into the warmth of the house. I hear his voice, but I don’t hear his words. My dad lays me down on the couch with my head in his lap. He strokes my hair whilst the tears stream down my face. I don’t know what to feel right now. I feel so numb. The man who I love, who has helped me to love myself again, has betrayed me, has lied to me for months. I can’t handle all these emotions anymore.

“Sweetheart, did you hear me?” my dad whispers. I sniff through the tears.

“What did you say, Daddy?” I shift my position on his lap to look at up at his face. I find his sad eyes.

“Damon called. He explained everything to me. He told me the whole story and I think you need to listen to him. I know you’re hurting right now. It hurts me also to know that he lied to you. However, I feel he did it for the right reasons and I know that he loves you. He loves you so much. You can’t blame him for something his family did.”

I wipe my nose on my sleeve, shocked that my dad can be so forgiving. “Dad, they killed Mom. That’s not just a little white lie that I can forgive. His family took away my life the day they took away my moms.”

“They took mine too, Isabelle. But I learned to forgive. I never told you this but I went to see him.”

“Who?”

“Ray, Damon’s dad. I went to see him in prison. I wanted to know why they had killed your mom that night. I was so angry with them and I wanted answers. I had to get a fake I.D. to go in to see him; they would have never let me in otherwise. It was just before we left America. He told me he was sorry. Ray and his son were dealing drugs out by an old gas station. Your mother happened to just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Something went wrong with the deal and they ended up shooting her. It was an accident.” I can’t believe what I am hearing.

“How can you be so forgiving, Dad. They took away your wife!” I shout. I just don’t understand why he is defending them.

“It took me a long time to get to this point, Izzy and to be honest I don’t think I will ever forgive them for what they did to our family. But I can move past it and I can’t blame Damon for what his family did. He has done nothing but try and help you. I will always be grateful to him for making you happy again. Even if it was short lived” He looks so afraid and so very sad.

“I need to use the bathroom. I don’t know if I can handle all this, I need time to digest it.” I uncurl myself from his lap and head upstairs. My mind is running in a thousand different directions and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Is he right about Damon?

Can I continue to punish him for something he had no control over?

Why couldn’t he have just been honest with me from the start, before I fell in love with him?

My entire body feels heavy as I walk up the stairs, my legs feeling like they’re carrying a ten-ton weight. I open the door to the bathroom, locking it behind me. I look at my reflection in the mirror, witnessing an empty vessel. Opening the cabinet behind the mirror and without even thinking about it, I take out the razor blade. I slide my body down the side of the bath, the floor is cold and hard and I just want all the pain to disappear. I don’t see any other way.

There is no other way.

I can’t handle this.

I am not strong enough.

My life is ruined.

There is no point in carrying on.

I can’t live without Damon, but I don’t think that I can ever forgive him.

Stop it Izzy, you are strong. You can do this. This is not the answer.

I feel the cool metal of the razor on my skin. It would just be so easy to make the pain go away.

The easy way out.

The only way to make this pain go away.

I throw the razor across the room, listening to it clatter against the porcelain sink.

This is not me anymore.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I have to pick myself up and fight.

I have to decide what to do, and I need to do it with a clear head.

I will never let that family hurt me ever again.