Filthy Rage (Second Chance With My Brother's Best Friend, Book Five) (4 page)

A
t home
, I stomped into the house, my emotions overwhelming me. Matt was in the kitchen, his arms buried in soapy dishwater.

“The princess returns,” he said, not bothering to turn around. His voice is cutting, and I want to scream at him, take out all my frustration.

“Right, because I’m the one with a royal stick up their ass.”

He scowled over his shoulder at me. “What’s that supposed to mean? I’m not the one who blurted out my sibling’s secret to a room full of strangers.”

“It shouldn’t
be
a secret Matt. That’s the whole point. You should’ve told me when you were diagnosed.”

“Why?” He asked, wiping his hands on a towel and turning to face me. “So you and dad could stress out for months, wondering if I’d get better?”

“No,
Matt,”
I said, spitting his name like it was an insult. “So we could be there for you. Like you’ve always been there for me.”

“You don’t get it. My way of being there for you is to spare you from the pain of not knowing. You think I asked for this? For
any
of this?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why do you keep punishing me for it?”

“It’s the lies! I’m so sick of everyone fucking lying to me!” I yanked out a chair from the dining room table, dropping down to sit on it and burying my hands in my hair. Today had been too much. Entirely too much. I looked up at him. “What if you’d kept it a secret and it was terminal?”

“It’s not.”

My heart skipped a beat. “Do you know that for sure?”

“I’m going to be okay,” he said, his voice and his expression softening. “They caught it early. I had a small surgery to remove the tumor, and chemo to eradicate any surviving cells. It’s effective.”

I didn’t realize I was crying until a hiccup came out of my mouth. His face fell and he stepped closer. “Jesus, did you think I was actually--“

“I didn’t know what to think, okay?” I snapped. “You weren’t talking to me about it.”

“It’s not like with Mom,” he said softly. “A lot of people get cancer and are fine. It’s a scary word, but it’s different than what she had.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

He sank into a chair opposite from me. “I kept it from you so you wouldn’t know
anything.
I never meant for you to hear part of the story and imagine the worst.”

“Yeah, well, I did.” I chewed on my lip. “I mean Landon said you had a good prognosis, but my imagination has been going crazy.”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I really am.”

“It reminded me of— “

“I know,” he said, his voice firm. “I Know exactly how you reacted, because that’s how I did too. That’s what I was trying to avoid. You didn’t deserve to go through this again, so if I could spare you that, I wanted to.”

“Yet you told Landon.” I said, my voice accusatory.

“Landon’s a hard bastard who could handle a little bad news. I wasn’t worried about him.”

“I can handle bad news. We’ve lived through the worst. I’m not some weakling.”

He sat back in his chair, blowing out a long, slow breath. “I know that. You’re just as stubborn as Mom was.”

His words made me smile, even if it was a sad smile.

Matt met my gaze and smiled back. “But you’re still my little sister. I promised her I’d look out for you.”

I laughed through my tears. “I told her the same thing about you and Dad.”

He grinned. “She always did know how to play us against one another.”

We fell silent, too much distance—too much time and silence and fighting--separating us, for me to reach out and touch him. Some day we could fix the cracks that kept sprouting between us.

“What happened at the funeral after I left?” he asked.

I sighed. “Nothing really. We took off soon after you did.”

He shook his head. “Landon’s not a guy who loses control. Not like that. Not to his own mother.”

“I guess sometimes things have way of stacking up. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. You can hardly blame him.”

“I don’t. He was right. His dad was an alcoholic, abusive asshole. But Landon’s usually pretty cool under pressure.”

“His dad died. A little emotion is called for.”

Matt furrowed a brow, sitting back and letting his gaze sweep over me. Until that moment, I’d forgotten I was wearing a white T-shirt—no bra—and Landon’s boxers. “I didn’t realize you were his number one fan.”

“Our bonding moment is over I see,” I said, standing up. “Back to being enemies.”

But Matt didn’t stand, he just looked up at me, pity in his expression. “I’m not your enemy, Taryn. I’m watching out for you.”

“Right, because you’re so superior? You have so much life experience that you can teach me how to act and what to do?”

“Maybe I am superior, Taryn. You and Landon behave like children. You ignore all the warning signs that he’s going to leave you. And he only thinks of himself.”

“For the love of god, just get off your high horse already.” I stomped away, and he called after me.

“Where are you going?”

I whirled around and stared him down. “Back to Texas. Happy now? Me and Landon are over. But you can take your I-told-you-so and shove it up your ass.”

M
y eyes were gritty
, and my neck was stiff. I should’ve headed out hours ago, but I was trying to catch up—
again
—with the rest of the interns. A mountain of paperwork towered in front of me, but none of the data made sense. There were inconsistencies with the results, but I couldn’t figure out what was driving it.

I sat back, rubbing my face. I was going to have to start over from the beginning, but I wasn’t sure I had the energy to do it tonight. I’d taken a sleepless red-eye back to Dallas, and showed up at the lab without even stopping at my shabby apartment. What I wanted most was to curl up in a dark room and sleep for days.

“Penny for your thoughts?” A voice called out.

I looked up to find Ben standing in the doorway, grinning. While my life had totally derailed in one ugly weekend, he was a beaming source of light. “You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

“Just confused,” I said, pushing the notebook away and reaching for the paper. I couldn’t tell him about Landon, about my fight with Matt, about any of it. Ben’s world spun perfectly on axis, while mine was constantly destined for asteroid showers.

“About?”

“Either someone recorded the results incorrectly, or the results themselves are inconsistent.” I tossed my pencil back down on the table. “I’m not sure which one is worse.”

“I’m sure we can figure it out tomorrow. Sleep on it, maybe something will look different in the light of day.”

In Ben’s world, that’s probably how things worked. Step back, take a night off, and things would simply click into place.

“I don’t know,” I said, hesitating. “I think I should go over these again. I need to make up for the days I missed last week.”

He crossed his arms, leaning against the door frame. “It’s seven o’clock and everyone else has gone home.”

“Everyone else was here since the beginning. And everyone else didn’t fly home for a funeral.”

“Come on,” he said, giving me a playfully pleading look. “I can help you figure out these results tomorrow. I’m ahead on my trials. So call it a day and let me take you out.”

I wanted my heart to leap at the thought. I wanted to get the butterflies and blush at the idea of going out with Ben tonight. Instead, I felt…

Nothing. I was too hung up on Landon to even
think
of going out with anyone else. And that was the problem, really. I had to move on and forget him.

“Okay,” I said, knowing it was the right thing to do. My heart wasn’t in it, but my brain told me it would be good for me.

I clicked off the lamp on my borrowed desk, pushing the paperwork into a neat pile at the corner to wait for me tomorrow.

In the halls, Ben grabbed my hand, slipping his fingers between mine and giving me a squeeze. “Italian okay?”

“Sounds great,” I said, as earnestly as I could manage.

Ben held the car door open for me, then the front door to the Italian restaurant down the street. I wasn’t surprised when he pulled my chair out for me. I didn’t have to ask if this was a date—the low candle lighting and the bottle of wine he ordered told me all I needed to know.

He was utterly perfect, and utterly wrong for me. Sweet and sincere and attractive, yet I felt nothing.

“How did the funeral go?” Ben asked, after a long beat of silence.

I sighed. “It was a mess.”

“Oh?”

I twisted my cloth napkin in my lap, trying to decide how much of the truth to share with Ben. “Yeah. The guy who died… he wasn’t always a nice person. So it felt kind of weird going to the funeral, you know? It was all so fake, somehow.”

“I see.”

I dropped my napkin, forcing my hands to sit quietly on the edge of the table. “It’s almost harder to mourn a guy who is a jerk, because you don’t know if it’s okay to be relieved, and you don’t understand why, somehow, you do feel sad that they’re gone,” I said, thinking of Landon. “So the whole thing was weird and stressful.”

He reached out across the table, resting a hand over mine. “Are you okay?”

I stared down at his hand covering mine, wishing it was someone else’s. Landon could comfort me with a single touch, and I wanted that so desperately. I wanted to sink against him and close my eyes and let that calm come over me.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just glad… everything is behind me.”

I wasn’t talking about the funeral anymore, but it was still hard to smile. I forced my expression to brighten. “Enough about my trip home. Did I miss anything at the lab?”

“Eh, not really. You saw the results. Maybe if you’d been around, it wouldn’t be so screwed up.” He grinned, gave my hand another squeeze, and then sat back.

“I doubt it.”

“I mean it. You’re the smartest intern in the group. You’re
definitely
the prettiest,” he added with a flirty grin. He was charming, and whether I felt anything for Ben or not, I was glad to be out of the lab and out of my head for a few minutes.

A waitress came by and took our orders, and when my wine glass was empty, Ben refilled it. It wasn’t as expensive as the stuff Landon served at his house, but it made me feel warm and buzzy.

We spent most of dinner discussing the internship, and our career goals, and everything but Landon. It was… safe. And easy, in a way nothing else in my life ever was.

An hour later, Ben walked me to the front door of my apartment. “I meant what I said last week. You can move into the vacant room in our apartment. It’s closer to the lab than this place.”

“It’s okay. Really.” I flicked a glance over my shoulder, into my shabby apartment. “This place looks bad, but it’s mostly old paint and outdated décor. It’s actually pretty clean, if you can look past the orange and yellow color schemes.”

I turned back to face him, twisting my keys in my hand. “Anyway, thanks for getting me out of that lab. You were right, it was time to get out of that room. I think my eyes were about to start bleeding.”

“Of course. I’ll rescue you any time.” He rested a hand on the door, over my shoulder, leaving me in a small gap of space between his chest, and the door.

And then he leaned forward, his eyes slipping shut.

At the last moment I slid over, leaving him kissing nothing but air.

“Ben--” I started.

He left his eyes closed a moment longer, then met mine. “I misread that, didn’t I?”

I nodded, my face twisting into an apologetic look. “I’m not ready to jump into something with you. I wish I was, because you’re so nice and sincere, but I’m just not in a place yet where I can give myself to someone.”

He nodded, running a hand through his hair. I’d embarrassed him, but he didn’t want to show it. “Is this one of those, ‘it’s not you it’s me’ things?”

I smiled. “Yes, but I swear that’s not a line of bullshit. You’re a good guy.”

He gripped his heart dramatically. “Oomph, the good guy spiel.”

The tension between us shattered, and I laughed as I punched him in the arm. Things with him were always so easy, and I was glad he wasn’t making this worse than it had to be. I knew when I showed up at the ab in the morning that things would be back to normal. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Of course,” he said, giving me a quick hug before releasing me. “Need a ride?”

“Nah, the bus will give me time to go over my notes,” I said. “I’ll meet you there.”

“Alright. I had fun tonight. I’ll see you in the morning,” he said, and then walked away as I slipped into my apartment.

I dropped my keys and bag on the table near the door, then went to the battered old dresser and pulled out a camisole and an old pair of cotton gym shorts. A long, hot bath was in order, and then I was going to be early. Maybe Ben was right, and a clearer head and a new day would bring clarity to the lab results.

And maybe if I slept hard enough, the dreams of Landon wouldn’t plague me.

I was walking to the bathroom when a knock came on the door. I glanced at the table, checking for my purse, but it was hanging from the little wooden chair. I must’ve left something in Ben’s car.

I crossed the room, yanking the door open. “Be—“ I froze. “Not Ben,” I said, swallowing.

“Not Ben,” Landon repeated, his gaze slicing straight through me. “Though I was glad to see you refuse him.”

I raised a brow, hoping my look rivaled his own. “You’re following me now?”

As if to emphasize my words, his eyes swept over me, lingering between my legs before returning to meet mine. That one look made me hot, and I hated him for it. “Just watching out for you,” he said.

“I can’t do this. I won’t. It’s over. I can’t wait around for you anymore.”

I stepped back and tried to slam the door on him, but he put a foot through the doorway before I could, and the door bounced open once more.

He didn’t say anything, just kept staring at me, as if to wait for me to say the words he wanted to hear.

“Your life is too complicated,” I said instead. “There’s no room for me in it. You have your company, and your
wife—“

“
It’s all gone,” he said.

I stilled at the tone in his voice, an emotion I couldn’t name.

“What do you mean?” I asked, studying his expression. I was confused. And suddenly my heart was pounding in my chest, as if my body already knew what my mind couldn’t yet grasp.

“Alexa signed the divorce,” he said.

I felt like I was holding my breath. “Why? How?”

“I gave her everything.”

I gripped the doorway. “What is everything?”

He stepped up to the threshold, and I turned, my back to the door jam, the two of us in this impossibly small space. “I gave Alexa my company. Complete ownership.”

“Why would you do that?” I said, still not believing him. “She only was asking for 52 percent—“

“Because I knew that she was going to push and push for more and draw it out. The only way to end things quickly was to give her a better deal than she could ever have imagined. I figured I’d rather give her the company then work for her or work with her in any capacity. And I put a deadline on the deal, gave her less than twenty-four hours to sign and finalize the divorce settlement. She moved fast,” he said, his eyes staring at me the entire time. “You’d be surprised how fast someone can move when they really want something, Taryn.”

I was, for the first time, truly speechless. He’d given up everything. Everything. For me.

“Landon,” I started, my breath catching.

“I did it all for you,” he said, as if reading my thoughts.

All for you.

All for you.

His words echoed in my head, an accusation. Landon had just given up everything he’d built because of me. Because I’d given him an ultimatum and forced him to do something he’d never wanted to do in the first place.

My heart was torn in two.

“Now what?” I breathed.

“I have no idea,” he said. “I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

And then he came inside.