Find Me (3 page)
“Basically we are all looking for someone who knows who we are and will break it to us gently.”
-Robert Brault
Layla
I pause the movie that Liam and I are watching, when his phone starts ringing. A few seconds after Liam leaves the couch, mine starts ringing too. Odd.
I don’t even glance at the screen before I answer.
“Hello.”
“Hey! I’m glad you answered
. I tried calling earlier this morning, but you didn’t answer. I guessed you were probably sleeping and thought to call you back.”
It’s
Natalie, I can tell by her smooth throaty rasp. She sounds tired, yet joyous.
“Sorry Hun, I haven’t even checked for missed calls. How are you feeling? How’s the little one?”
“She’s doing great, her pediatrician will be here any minute to give her the final once over. As long as he says okay, then we can be discharged and take her home.” She says, sounding excited.
“That’s great! You and Ryan are going to make great parents.”
I don’t mention the marriage proposal, because I don’t want her to know that I knew first. That Liam had told me before she had gotten to. What if she said no?
“I’m so nervous to take her home. What if I do something wrong? I tried breast fee
ding, but the milk isn’t coming in, so now I have to use formula. What if she doesn’t get everything that she needs, Lals? Will she be okay?” She asks worriedly.
“Nat, you’ve got this. No one is perfect right off the bat, but you will figure it out and you have help. No one will know better what Temperance needs than her own parents. Don’t ever doubt yourself. And as for the formula, I’m sure they wouldn’t have you use it if it wasn’t going to be healthy for her to ingest. Ask the doctors, they’ll tell you everything you want to know.” I reply
, reassuringly.
“You’re right. I’m just...I’m just so damn nervous. It’s all overwhelming. I loved her so much before I met her, but now that I’ve met her. That I’ve held her in my arms, I’ve felt her breathe. Now that I have heard her coo,
she just means so much more. I have never felt anything like it. Every single emotion slammed into me, when I met her and it hasn’t gone away.” She pauses.
I can hear her labored breathing over the phone line, she’s crying.
“You will do great. I’m sure everyone is nervous their first time around. Probably even their second and third, Nat.”
“I know, I sound pathetic crying over the fact that I already love her so much. But I called because I wanted to share some news with you.”
Here we go.
“Ryan proposed to me last night. It was the most beautiful thing. After the obstetrician laid her on my chest
, he looked at her and then at me with such love. And asked if I would spend the rest of my life with him.”
“So
, what did you say?”
“Yes! I said yes!”
For a moment I am at a loss for words. There isn’t one day in the past, almost six years now, that I ever believed this day would come. Let alone the day of Temperance’s birth. I had hoped to hell and high water that Natalie would move past certain tragedies in her life, in our lives. That she would become suddenly stronger. Maybe then I, too would be able to overcome the hurdles of the past.
“Nat, really, I am so happy for you. You deserve nothing but happiness in your life. I know that Ryan loves you with all of his heart
. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks in your direction. You just, you’ve finally found your way. I am so proud of you.”
I struggled getting that out
. My eyes started watering and my throat started constricting with overwhelming emotion.
Happy for her that this moment has come, that she now has her own family. Also, deeply saddened. Profoundly saddened, that my family was the one to rob her of her family to begin with.
Don’t confuse my words for something they are not. I didn’t remain friends with her because of my guilt, she has always been my friend. My sister. My family. I would have been by her side for life, no matter the outcome of the cards the world has dealt us.
I allow the silence to linger, for the root of my words to take full effect.
“Will you be my maid of honor?” She stumbles out in a rush.
“Did you just ask me to be your maid of honor?”
“Yes. Sorry, I really wanted to wait until I saw you face to face to ask. I was only planning on telling you that I said yes, but I couldn’t hold it in.”
Do I even deserve to be at her side for this?
While she swears in front of everyone and God that she will love and honor this man for the rest of her life?
No.
“Yes.” I say simply. There is no way I deserve such an honor, but if it’s what she wants, I can’t refuse her.
I have spent the good part of my teenage life protecting her. Protecting her from
the truth. The truth that would hurt her, possibly beyond repair. I know her better than anyone else, at times even better than herself. She’s never been strong enough for the truth.
Her overdosing only confirmed my thoughts. When she woke up, I wanted to tell her. But her recovery was at best, difficult. On top of that
, things just got much worse for sharing the truth and betrayal at my hands.
She deserves a better friend. One who unfortunately isn’t me.
“Yay, I am ecstatic that you said yes. Not that I thought you wouldn’t. You are my bestie, after all. So then, on to the next order of business.”
“Yes…”
“We talked all of last night and Ryan and I decided we didn’t want to wait to say our vows.”
“You’re not eloping are you?”
“No, of course not.” She chides me. “We already set a date, were getting married in a month.”
“What?” I ask exasperated.
Pulling off a wedding in a month? Impossible. So I tell her so.
“That
’s impossible, Nat. How am I supposed to plan a bachelorette party in less than a month? Let alone, you planning a wedding? There’s dresses, photographer, guests, Fuck! Food, flowers, Tuxedos, even a church. You want to get married in a church, right? Then there’s a venue for the reception, the cake, decorations. What about centerpieces for all of the tables? Natalie, this is a lot to take on in one month. Even with help from everyone, how are we going to get everyone here on such a short notice?” I pause for breath. Natalie takes advantage of that opportunity.
“Layla
, relax. Like I said, we talked last night. For one thing, you know that you would be my only guest. Two people won’t make a bachelorette party, Lals. We can have a quiet girl’s night in, catching up on
The Walking Dead
.”
“You are pretty behind on that show
. The season is almost over now, as it is. But that’s beside the point. The party is only one little tack on the map, when it comes to planning a wedding.”
Natalie. Of course she would try to take advantage of my
Darryl Dixon
obsession to redirect the conversation and my near full blown anxiety attack.
“Also, we are not getting married in a church. We want to go low key
. Well, I want to and Ryan is beyond happy with that as well. So we’ve already decided where we want to get married. All you and I have to do is go dress shopping and Ryan will take the guys with him, so their fitted as well.”
“Okay, so where
do you guys plan on getting married?”
“Well
, we know we want to do something water themed. It’s something we oddly share in common. You know the water soothes me, and for Ryan, it’s where he finds his peace and inspiration.”
“Okay…”
“Well we decided we would get married on a beach. We’re going to have a small beach wedding. It’s going to be perfect.”
“What beach? One here in Massachusetts?”
“We were thinking maybe Maui, Hawaii, or even St. Martin, but we’ve decided to do it somewhere not so far from home.”
“So here in Boston?”
“No, silly. Home. Our Home.” Nat says.
“Lake George?”
“Yes.”
“You actually told Ryan where home was?” I asked surprised.
“Well, he saw it on the paperwork that I had to fill out for Temperance’s birth certificate. He had to sign a few papers as well, and he saw.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me that he has been in that area a few times. The closest he has been is Albany for shows. But one year, I guess him and the guys came up for a weekend and it kind of became some summer retreat thing.” She reveals.
“
Sounds interesting.” I say, clearly disinterested.
A wedding so close to home does not sound interesting to me at all. I don’t want to see my parents.
I don’t want her to see my parents.
“Anyway, Ryan owns a home on the lake and I thought maybe I could hire
The Sagamore
to plan the wedding. They have a full service catering needs, wedding planner. We could fly there for a day, talk to the wedding planner, tell her what I want, and not have to come back until a few days before the wedding.” She explains.
“Sounds great.”
“Layla, I know you don’t want to come. I know you don’t want to see them, but maybe now is a good time. Probably the best time to try to move past the heartache.”
No.
This is definitely not a good idea. Actually, it’s the worst.
But.
I.
Can
’t.
Say.
No.
“Maybe, it is. Maybe, it isn’t.”
“Lals, I know what you’re thinking right now.”
Nope. You have no idea.
“
All right, well the doctor is here now to look at Temperance. I’ll let you know if we get discharged and maybe you’ll come around for dinner. Bring Liam with you too. I would love to see both of you.” Fuck. Liam.
“Yeah, I’ll run it by him and the rest of the crazed nitwits.”
“Hey, be nice to them, will ya? They’re family now, there’s no changing it. You know they love you, probably as much as I do.”
“Yeah, yeah. Get back to that baby of yours. Love ya.”
“Love you too.”
I hit end the call on my phone and sit there
, staring at the screen. There is no way we can see my parents. My father wouldn’t be able to hold his mouth shut and him opening his mouth, would ruin the last few years of effort on my part, in keeping Natalie’s pain to a minimum.
There is no short or long way around it. Ever since Natalie’s hospital stay
, he has been blowing up my phone with voicemail messages. I hit ignore every time I see his name scrolling on my screen.
He’s even resorted to using my mom’s phone. I ignore that too. For some reason, Natalie put my parents down as an emergency contact under my name with her physician’s office. Even though I was her health care proxy
, they had called to let them know she wasn’t doing so well.
I’m surprised with the amount of ignored phone calls I receive
d, they didn’t ambush us as soon as we got home from the hospital. Or that they didn’t try calling Natalie outright.
Maybe they think she overdosed
, because I had told her the truth and my dad is too ashamed to speak to her himself. Either way, a meeting between the two cannot take place. If it does, I have no idea how it will end. Only that it would be bad. Very, very bad.
Liam
I throw my phone onto my bed. I run my hands through my
hair, what I’ve grown of it anyways. Frustrated.
A huge piece of myself wants to run to Natalie and tell her not to make this mistake. That I am the one for her. But I can’t. My life’s a pile of shit swept into a corner and that’s something I wouldn’t bring her or anyone else into.
What in the fuck am I thinking?
She deserves so much more than I would ever be able to give her. Happiness, which is something Ryan can give her.
I can’t give her a life of smiles and sunshine, or a ‘happily ever after’ life. I’ve also never been one to want children. Temperance is an exception. She’s Ryan’s and Natalie’s, not mine.
I have to find a way to get this shit out of my head for good. I have a feeling that just cutting Natalie out of my life is
n’t going to work. And if I were to cut her off, Ryan would question it, especially after this. Their engagement.
Jesus. They are getting married.
She said yes. Clearly, this is what she wants. I start tugging at my hair, hoping the pain of it will numb what I am feeling at this very moment.
It’s not working. I need something stronger than this. I just have to get out of here. Maybe go back home for a few days. No, not Cordova
, but Los Angeles. I need space and time. To work through this. Being here in
her
room isn’t going to help me let the feelings go.
Deciding I have to get away
, I walk into the kitchen to grab my car keys. Layla stops me.
I really do not need this shit right now. Her confronting me isn’t going to help. It’s only going to make matters worse. I can see the pity in her eyes. She looks at me as
if I am pathetic. Weak.
“Liam.” She says
, patronizing.
“Don’t. Just don’t
, Layla. I need you to just leave me alone, let me leave.”
“Running away isn’t going to help anything. It’s not going to help you move on. You need to face your feelings and work through them. This,”
she says, while grabbing at my keys, “isn’t going to change anything.”
“Layla, you may enjoy being in everyone else’s business
, but I would really appreciate it if you would stay out of mine.” She flinches at my nasty tone.
I don’t know what else I could say to get her to leave me alone and if she doesn’t let me go
, I feel like I will say something even worse to her, something I would regret and wouldn’t be able to take back.
“I’m trying really hard not to take my mood out on you, so please just let me go
, Lals.” I say, pleading with her.
“Promise you’re going to come back. That you’re not going to run away.” She begs.
“I can’t make that promise.” I say, while side swiping her on my way out the door.
I’ve been driving around aimlessly for about an hour
, with no destination in mind. Layla’s last words keep playing in my head, about running away. Where does she get off believing that she has one ounce of understanding of what I am feeling? The girl who is notorious for having week long sexual partners, then she drops them.
What would she know of love? Of caring for someone so deeply to the point of your being happy consists of them being happy. Wanting the best above anything for that person, to where you would consider stepping down from those feelings
, because you know in the end you couldn’t be the person to make her happy.
That person couldn’t, wouldn’t ever be me.
I turn the car around to go in the direction I was originally speeding away from. There is no way I could possibly run away for good, seeing as how I am in a band with the guy whom holds Nat’s heart. So, on to taking measures that I would otherwise stay away from.
Alcohol.
The absolute best way to numb any feeling you would want to ignore. A few hours of somewhat remote blissfulness, provided by a buzz that could last well into the next morning. Hopefully Zepp, Jason and Gage are game for a night out.
