Find You in the Dark (31 page)

 
I was then able to disengage my legs from his and roll out of the bed.  I landed on my feet, feeling like a gymnast with the crazy maneuvers I had to use to get of bed.  I looked over at Clay and saw that he was still asleep.  I tiptoed behind the Japanese screen and tried to pee as quietly as possible.  I wasn't entirely comfortable relieving myself with him so close by.  There are just some things I wasn't ready to share with him.

 
I quickly brushed my teeth and pulled my hair back in a ponytail.  I looked in the mirror over the sink and stared at myself.  I didn't look any different, but my body
felt
different. I could feel soreness when I moved certain muscles I had never used before.  I felt more like a woman and less like a little girl. 

 
I thought back to last night.  Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I wondered whether I had made the right decision.  It had all seemed to make sense in the moment.  The fight had been a distant memory.  But now in the cold light of morning, I was reminded of how awful things had gotten.  Had I rushed into sex to try and block out how much he had hurt me?

 
Shaking my head, I tried to ignore the nagging concerns that threatened to ruin my good mood. 

 
I found a clean pair of underwear and put them on and then slipped into my favorite pair of yoga pants and a white cami.  I looked outside and was taken aback by all the white stuff.

 
It had probably snowed five inches last night and it was beautiful.  I hoped we could get out of here today, or I would have some major explaining to do to my parents.  I cringed even thinking about it. 

 
I heard Clay stirring in the bed and I looked over my shoulder.  He blinked his eyes sleepily.  “Come back to bed, baby.  I'm missing you.”  His voice was raspy and I smiled at how amazing he looked first thing in the morning.

 
I crossed the room slowly, feeling strangely shy with him.  I crawled back into bed, not knowing what to do.  Things were different now, on so many levels.  Clay smiled at me.  “I like waking up with you.”  He said huskily, watching me with sleepy eyes.

 
My insides clenched as his fingers inched toward me and gently rubbed along my arm.  “What's wrong?”  He asked me.  I rolled my head to the side to look at him.  He seemed more awake and I could see the worry on his face.  “Do you regret it?”  He asked, the horror evident in his tone. 

 
Did I regret it?  His fingers stopped their dance on my skin and I looked at my boyfriend.  His love for me was startlingly clear and I could see how much the idea of me regretting our intimacy would crush him. 

 
I couldn't tell him that I was worried that I had simply brushed our bigger problems under the rug.  That we weren't really addressing his on going issues.  For all of our closeness, there was still so much that he kept from me.  Things that I didn't feel comfortable with voicing
to him
.  What did that really say about our relationship? 

  “
Maggie.”  He breathed, scooting closer.  He laid his arm across my stomach.  His face was close to mine, I could feel his breath on my cheek.  I realized I had been silent for quite awhile.  But damn if my body didn't start to heat up as his fingers went under my shirt to lay against my bare skin. 

 
Did I regret it?  I closed my eyes as he rubbed his nose against my cheek.  No.  I didn't. Because even with all of our shit, I still loved him.  More than I probably should.

  “
No, Clay.  I could never regret being with you.”  I told him truthfully.  As if taking that as an invitation, Clay rolled on top of me and kissed my chin.  I couldn't help but laugh at the sudden change in him.  From sad and worried, to delighted and giddy in the span of seconds. 

  “
You were scaring me, love.”  He murmured as he nipped at my bottom lip.  I ran my hands up his back, enjoying the feel of his flesh beneath my fingers.  “You don't ever need to be scared of little ol' me.”  I joked as I wrapped my legs around his hips.  I was instantly aware of the fact that he was still very naked.  And
very
happy to see me.

 
Clay pulled back.  “You scare me more than anything.”  He told me quietly, looking into my eyes in that intense way of his, as though I were the air that he breathed.  “If you leave me, I would be destroyed.  I don't know that I could come back from that.”  His vulnerability broke my heart.  How could needing me this much be good for him?

 
Suddenly, Clay leaned over the side of the bed and started rooting around in his duffel bag.  After a few seconds, he righted himself and held his hand firmly fisted before me.  He looked a little shy, his hair flopping in his eyes as he looked at me.

  “
What do you have there?”  I teased, trying to pry his fingers apart.  Clay smiled endearingly and pulled back, falling onto his side beside me.  He leaned up on his elbow, his hand cradling his head as he looked down at me.  Slowly, he opened his hand and dropped a silver chain into a shimmery puddle on my stomach. 

 
I sat up and scooped the piece of jewelry into my hand before it got lost in the sheets.  It was a necklace.  The delicate silver chain fell between my fingers as I held it up.  Hanging from it was a beautiful butterfly, made of thin silver and tiny slivers of what looked like diamonds.

 
It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.  My breath stopped as I stared at it.  I looked at Clay, who was watching me nervously.  “I wanted to give this to you last night.  I had planned to, anyway.  But then after everything that happened, I just didn't feel like it was the right time.”  I swallowed thickly around the lump that had formed in my throat.

 
I didn't say anything, I was too overcome with the depth of emotion I had for the boy laying beside me.  Taking my silence as disapproval, Clay continued on quickly.  “I've had it for awhile, actually.  I had it made for you by this lady Ruby knows who makes her own jewelry.”

 
His thoughtfulness overwhelmed me.  What was it about the butterflies?  He had said once that it was because I made him feel free.  Wanting more of an answer, I asked him.

  “
I was this sad and lonely creature before you came along.  And then, just being with you, knowing you love me, has transformed me.  My entire life has become this metamorphosis into something beautiful, something happy.  I told you before that you've freed me.  You've reminded me of what it means to
believe
and
hope
.”

 
Tears gathered in my eyes and threatened to spill.  Seeing this, Clay rubbed his thumb beneath my eye, gathering the wetness there.  “Don't cry.  I'm sorry if it upset you.  I just wanted to give you something as beautiful as everything you've given me.  I'll take it back.  Forget about it.”  He said, totally misreading my silence.  I could hear the hurt in his voice as he tried to take the necklace from my hand.

 
I closed my fingers and moved it away. “No, Clay.  I love it.  I'm just...I don't know what to...” Words failed me completely, so instead I seized his mouth with mine, kissing him deeply.  I let my tongue invade his mouth, tasting him. I couldn't stop the moan that I made deep in my throat.  “God, I love you so much.” Clay whispered against my lips as I ran my fingers up through his hair.

  “
I love you too.  More than anything.” I said softly back to him as he tugged my tank top over my head.  And we lost ourselves in each other all over again.

 
It felt like hours later before we finally emerged from the loft, Clay's necklace laying against my chest.  Clay wore a contented smile and I knew I was glowing.  I was riding a blissful wave of euphoria.  Our earlier argument, all the misunderstandings and doubts had been erased by the reminder of why I was so intensely in love with my boyfriend.  Clay watched me touch the butterfly at my throat and he gave me that smile that said I was the only thing in his world that mattered.

  “
Good morning.”  I said to Ray and Clare, who were drinking coffee and looking a little bleary eyed.  “Too loud, Maggie.  Shh.”  Ray put his finger to his lips.  “Oops, sorry.”  I apologized, filling a mug for myself.   

  “
You guys look rough.”  Clay commented, opening a packet of croissants.  Clare grimaced.  “Thanks, Clay.”  He looked sheepish. “I just meant you don't look like you slept much.”  Clare turned surely.  “Well my charming boyfriend here, spent most of the night throwing up.”

  “
Yuck.  Sorry, Clare.” I gave Ray a look before turning to the refrigerator to get the milk for my coffee.  “Are Daniel and Rachel up yet?” I asked.  Ray shook his head.  “Don't think so, haven't seen them.”  I was worried about how things went between my two best friends last night.  I was dying to talk to Rachel and get the scoop.

 
Clay came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, placing a soft kiss on the side of my neck.  He pushed a plate of buttered pastries toward me.  I picked one up and started eating it.  Ray watched me for moment then turned an alarming shade of green.  “I'm gonna be sick.” He said, before running down the hallway.

 
Clare sighed before getting off of her stool to go after him.  Clay and I grinned.  “Sucks to be them.”  Clay remarked, turning me around in my arms so he could kiss me properly.  He pressed my back into the island as his hands held my hips tightly.

 
Someone cleared their throat behind us, causing me to break away.  Looking over my shoulder, I saw Rachel and Daniel come into the kitchen.  “Good morning, you two.” I said, pulling away from Clay so I could get my friends some coffee.

 
I watched the two of them closely, trying to gauge the current state of their relationship.  They didn't touch or do anything else that indicated a change in the way things were between them.  But I just knew.  There was a difference in the way they looked at each other.  The air around them seemed to crackle with a chemistry that I had never noticed before.

 
I handed Rachel a cup of coffee and raised my eyebrows at her.  She looked back at me blandly.  “So, how was the rest of your night?” I asked them pointedly.  Daniel propped himself up on a stool and grabbed a croissant.  “Fine.  Slept like a brick.”  Was all he said.

 
I looked over at Clay, but he had gone into the other room to straighten up the couch from the night before.  Okay, I was going to have to get Rachel alone if I was going to get any answers.  “I've got to finish packing up my stuff.  Rachel can you come with?” I asked, pulling her by the arm.

 
Daniel looked over at her for just a moment and it was then that I saw it.  The way his gaze rested on Rachel told me everything I needed to know.  They had clearly moved through their impasse.  And I wanted details!

  “
I guess.”  Rachel said less than enthusiastically.   She must have sensed my inner cobra preparing to strike. I led the way up the stairs and I heard Rachel's gasp as she came into the gigantic room.  “This is where you slept?  Dear Jesus.”  She said, taking it in.  She walked down the stairs into the sunken area with the whirl pool.  “I'm feeling a bit jipped.” She joked, before sitting on the edge of the tub.  She looked at me and arched her eyebrows.  “Hmm.  There's something different about you.” She told me coyly.

 
I blushed a deep and furious red.  Crap.  She was so going to turn this whole chit chat around on me.  Damn her!  Rachel tapped her chin with her finger thoughtfully.  “Yes, something is definitely different.  But I can't quite put my finger on it.”  Rachel cocked her head to the side and then grinned at me deviously.

  “
You and Clay totally did it!”  Rachel squealed.   I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my embarrassment.  “Uh yeah.”  I said.  My face was on fire!  Of course I wanted to share that important piece of information with my best friend.  But I felt a little strange talking about it. 

   “
And...how was it?”  She prompted.  Rachel was notorious for needing the dirty details and I fully intended to disappoint her.  “Well, he had me hanging naked from the rafters for a little while...and then I decided to use the end of my hair brush and...”

  “
You're so ridiculous, Maggie.”  Rachel retorted as she cut me off.  She pinched my arm.  “You aren't going to tell me anything are you?”  My friend knew me too well.  I shook my head.  “Not a thing.”  I grinned, crossing my arms over my chest.

 
Turning the conversation around, I looked at my friend and gave her a look.  “So, you and Daniel...” I trailed off, hoping she'd fill in the blanks.

 
Rachel flushed red and turned away from me, which surprised me.  Rachel wasn't one to skimp on information.  So her sudden hesitance to talk threw me.  “What happened last night?  Did you guys talk?” I prompted, urging her to tell me. 

 
Rachel covered her face with her hands and groaned.  “Ugg.  I don't know.  I guess we worked through some things.  We talked.”  She said through her fingers. I reached out and pulled her hands down.  “Why are you so embarrassed?  That's not like you.  I mean, is everything okay?”  I asked, getting a little worried.