Finders Keepers (27 page)

“But it wasn’t just Jesse and me who became inseparable. We
had a third partner in crime, and the first day I saw her, I convinced myself
she was an angel.” Josie’s head tilted, but her back was still to me. “And then
when I asked her on the playground if she really was an angel and could I try
her wings out, she stuck her tongue out at me and walked away . . . thus
ruining my angel theory.” A low laugh resonated through the room. Even I smiled
at the memory. “The three of us became best friends, never doing anything
without inviting the other two. Just like with Jesse, I convinced myself I
didn’t deserve her friendship or care . . . or love.” I had to pause and clear
my throat. “My whole life, I let people tell me what I did and didn’t deserve,
and my whole life, I believed them. But here’s what I learned from Jesse.” I
squeezed his shoulder again before letting go.

“Who we choose to love, and who chooses to love us has
nothing to do with being deserving or undeserving. It has to do with who you
simply have to love and who simply has to love you. It took me years to realize
that my two best friends didn’t love me because I did or didn’t deserve it or
that I loved them because they did or didn’t. We loved each other because we
wanted to. We
chose
to. I know another certain someone he had to drill
that into as well. A certain someone who promised a lifetime to him this
afternoon.” I glanced at Rowen, and she was almost teary-eyed. I’d been under
the impression Rowen did teary about as often as I did.

“So that’s what this guy taught me about love. It was nothing
to do with deserving, and everything to do with who we want and choose to love.
I learned something else about love from our other best friend.” Josie was
sitting forward in her seat, still not facing me, but she didn’t have to—I knew
she heard every word. “She taught me
how
to love. She taught me
who
I
wanted to love. Even though I failed at it, stumbled over my own two feet so
many times I was face-planting more than I was walking, she showed me the
perseverance of love.” I probably should have been looking out into the crowd
or at the bride and groom, but all I could do was stare at Josie and spill my
guts. I never realized how many guts I had to spill. It was a messy operation.

“I learned something else about love from Rowen. She taught
me that when you do find the person you want to love for the rest of your life,
it’s okay to embrace change. It’s okay to change yourself. Everyone likes to
think that when they find that special someone, that person should accept them
and their flaws, vices, and short-comings. Maybe they’re an amazing enough
person that they do . . . but they shouldn’t have to. A person should want to
change themselves for the better when they find that person. Rowen might not
have come out and said it, but she showed me by example.” I nodded at her as
she wiped her eyes, then shot me a thumbs-up.

“So Jesse taught me something about love. Rowen taught me
something about love. And the example they set for loving each other should
teach us all something about love.” I motioned between them. “These two are the
couple to beat. The love they have for each other is the kind to aspire to. I
don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t mind having someone beside me who
could give these two a run for their money.” A few people in the crowd clapped.
I wasn’t sure if it was because they were trying to give me a hint that it was
time to wrap it up or if they just really liked what I was saying. Because,
Jesus Christ, I was saying a lot. It was time to wrap it up before I became any
more transparent. “I’m going to wrap up this hour and a half sermon with just
one more thing—totally off-topic and unrelated, and I’m sorry to Jesse and
Rowen and the rest of you. But I have to say this now because I have the mic,
and she’s close by, and this might be the only chance I get to say this.” I
shot Jesse and Rowen an apologetic look—they just waved me on.

“I want to say I’m sorry for hurting her when all I ever
wanted to do was protect her. I’m sorry for running away and being a coward and
making you cry . . . and I’m sorry for the million things I need to apologize
for.” Since I was staring right at her, I wasn’t making my apology very
anonymous. “You were right about everything. Right about how I felt for you,
and why I did the things I did, and why I ran away. You were right about so
much.” I wanted her to look at me. I wanted to find the strength I always did
in her eyes. “But you were wrong about one thing. You told me I was running
away because I was afraid to admit I loved you. That wasn’t it.” Finally, her
head turned my way and her eyes met mine. They looked as tortured as I felt. “I
wasn’t the guy who fell in love with you this past winter.” I shook my head.
Pain flashed across her face. “I was the boy who fell in love with you that day
on the school bus when we were five. And I’m the man that always will.”

I’d said what I needed to; I’d survived the speech. I
couldn’t stand to look at Josie’s pained face any longer. I couldn’t stand
knowing I was responsible for it. So I tipped my hat at Jesse and Rowen, set down
the mic, and headed out of the tent. I needed a hell of a lot more than fresh
air, but it was a start. I made it all the way to the giant maple tree way back
on the Walkers’ property. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do more: keep
walking until I’d found the end of the earth, then take a flying leap off of
it, or drop to my knees and curse at the stars for shining so brightly when my
own personal darkness was setting in.

I’d said what I needed to—I’d apologized—and Josie knew how
I felt. She knew I loved her, just as she’d suspected. After all I’d said, she
hadn’t done anything about it. She’d stayed in her seat, her eyes pained, her
mouth closed, and I feared, her heart closed as well. Fifteen years of build-up
to when I finally confessed my love for her, and I was two months too late. As
usual, my timing sucked. Knowing Josie was back in that tent, sitting beside
some other guy, and that she could have been mine if I hadn’t turned my back
and run . . . the emotions bottled inside of me exploded. The old maple took
the brunt of it.

“Now what did that tree ever do to you?” The voice came from
behind me as I considered going back at it for another round.

If they weren’t already, my toes were about to break if I
kept kicking it. “Nothing. But in case you haven’t noticed, I do a lot of
fucked-up things to things and people who don’t deserve it.” I wiped the tree
bark from my knuckles and watched Josie come toward me. In that light purple
dress, with the way the moon and stars were shining, she really was an angel
gliding toward me. It was such a beautiful sight—almost painfully so—the breath
caught in my lungs.

“I noticed,” she replied, stopping in front of me. Her face
gave nothing away, but her eyes did—that fire was back.

“Are you going to slap me?” I braced myself for it.

“I’m thinking about it, but I’ve got a couple questions for
you to answer first. Then I’ll decide.” I nodded. “That was some speech in
there, Black. Was it real? Was it the truth?” Josie’s voice was flat and
emotionless. I knew mine would be neither.

“Every word.” I didn’t think it was possible for a voice to
wobble so much over three syllables.

Her eyes closed then flashed open. “I’m here with Colt.”

That was a dagger through my heart, but instead of keeping
it there and letting it slow me down, I pulled it out and dropped it at my
feet. “You might be here with him, but your heart isn’t here with him.”

That fire in her eyes spread to the rest of her face. “Who
are you to tell me who I do and don’t love? Who the hell do you think you are?”

I maybe should have been flinching for a forthcoming slap,
but instead I stepped closer. “The person you love. The person who loves you.
That’s who I am.” My voice didn’t wobble that time. “The person who will love
you every second of every day until our days run out. Until we’re buried beside
each other under an old tree like this. I’m not running away anymore. I’m not
going anywhere, so if any of that love you used to have for me hasn’t turned to
hate, tell me. Please, Joze, tell me. Do you still love me? Do you still
want
to love me? Because I know I’ve been piss-poor at showing it, but I meant
what I said in there—I’ve loved you since the day I met you. And I meant what I
just said out here—I’m going to continue loving you until the day I die.” I had
so much more to say, but I’d said the important things. If she turned her back
on me and I never saw her again, at least she’d know the important things. If
she threw her arms around me and decided to be with me like I hoped, I had the
rest of our lives to fill in the rest.

“You said I was wrong about something. Wrong about when you
fell in love with me.” I nodded and waited as she put her thoughts together.
“Well, I was wrong about something else, too.” A tear slipped out of the corner
of her eye, and when I lifted my hand to wipe it away, she didn’t flinch away
from me.

“What else were you wrong about?”

“When you walked away from me a couple of months ago, that
love I had for you did change—like I thought it would.” Another tear fell,
followed by another, so I just kept my hand pressed against her cheek to catch
them.

“It changed to hate. I walked away, and your love changed to
hate.” Saying those words was a thousand times more painful than thinking them.

“No.” She shook her head, her eyes dropping. “It changed
when it
grew
. I realized that even though you were gone, there was no
one else I wanted to love. I had no love that didn’t belong to you left to
give.”

Oh my god. Was she saying what it sounded like she was
saying? I wasn’t sure, so I needed to ask. I needed to know, and hopefully my
question didn’t sound as lame as the one I’d asked myself. “Joze, are you
saying what I think you’re saying?” So much for not sounding as lame. “Are you
saying you still love me?”

Her head bobbed. “So much I’ve been sick with it these past
two months.”

She still loved me. Josie Gibson still loved me, and I was
finally ready to accept that love. I’d waited for that moment for so long, I
didn’t know what the hell to say. Or do? What did I say to that . . .? “I love
you, Joze. I love you so fucking much. Yeah, I realize saying fuck while
confessing one’s love probably isn’t romantic—”

My confession was cut short when her mouth crashed into
mine. Her arms wound around my neck while I drew her close and kissed her back.
That whole time I’d been anticipating a slap when I should have been expecting
a kiss. The story of my life. Josie kissed me so forcefully, she managed to
back me up into that old maple, and then she kissed me for so long, I’m sure
the sun was thinking about rising before her lips left mine.

She was smiling with that fire still burning in her eyes. “I
came here with Colt you know.” Her smile went higher on one side.

“Yeah, yeah, too bad for him because you’re here with me
now, and I’m not letting go.” Drawing her back to me, I lowered my mouth just
outside of her ear. “Finders keepers.”

I felt her smile on the side of my neck. She was still
smiling when that sun did finally rise. It was the start of a new life for me.
A new life for us. I had everything I needed right in front of me.

I didn’t need eight seconds of glory when I had a lifetime
of it in my arms.

I WAS BACK on the bull again. Not in
the way the saying goes, but on an actual bull that could have been Bluebell’s
uglier and meaner older brother. Rodeo season had been in full swing for a
while, but it was my first ride since Josie and I finally figured out our shit.
Well, since
I’d
finally figured out mine. The past two months had been
the best months of my life. They’d been so great—I’m talking delirious, insane
kind of happy—I’d come close to convincing myself I was living a different
life. Josie said I’d just stopped fighting life at every turn and opened myself
up to
living
it instead. She was probably right—she usually was.

Really, it didn’t matter. Whether Josie’s theory or mine was
the right one, it didn’t take away from the fact that the girl I’d spent a
lifetime loving from afar, I’d get to love up close for the rest of my life. I
got to touch and kiss and hold her as much as I wanted to . . . and I wanted to
all the time. Luckily, she didn’t mind.

So maybe I was back on the bull again in the way the saying
goes, too. I don’t know if I’d ever been on the bull in the first place when it
came to life, but again, it didn’t matter. I was there now. I was learning how
to let the good things in and let the bad things pass through me, one day at a
time, one lesson after another. It was a slow process and one hell of a
grueling journey, but I got to experience it with Josie at my side, so fuck the
rest. I was a lucky man.

Mr. and Mrs. Gibson were slowly warming up to me. Slowly
being the operative word. I didn’t blame them. I understood why they were
practically holding their breaths for me to screw up big time. The thing they
didn’t know, or what they’d never be able to fully understand, was how I felt
about her. I loved her, sure, but it went so far beyond that I didn’t know a
way to describe it. Joze was my everything. My . . .
everything
. No
exaggeration. My whole day, my every thought, my every decision was somehow
centered around her. She was more essential than the air I breathed because air
wasn’t essential to me: she was. I’d rather die from suffocation knowing my
priorities were right than live a long life letting some stupid invisible
compound be more essential to my life than she was. Because that was a fucking
lie.

The bull shuddered, reminding me where I was and what I was
about to do. The guy manning the gate was watching me, waiting. Before I gave
the nod, I scanned the grandstands. I didn’t need to scan them for long. A
green-eyed girl wearing red boots and a killer smile stood on the other side of
the arena, her chin propped on one of the rails. She was still the most
beautiful thing I’d ever seen, just as she had been the first time I saw her. She
winked before mouthing three words I could make out from all the way across the
arena.

No, not those three words. I was on the back of a bull in
front of thousands of people—not exactly the ideal time for mushiness and
endearing words. Nope, she mouthed
Kick some ass
. I acknowledged her
with a grin before three more words slipped out of her mouth.

Yes, those three words. The ones that had changed my life.
The ones that made me want to change my life in the first place. The words I’d
felt for her for so long, they’d become one of the few constants in my life.
The ones I’d
felt
for her but had only recently learned how to
show
her
those words. Sure, I might have been on a monster bull, about to compete in one
of the biggest rodeos in Montana, but really, was there ever a bad time to hear
that the person you loved loved you right back?

Nope, there never was. Never. “I LOVE YOU, JOSIE GIBSON!” I
didn’t mouth the words—I straight-up hollered them. I didn’t care if the whole
world knew it, let alone a few thousand Montanans. Flashing her a wink, I
tipped my hat at Josie before giving the nod. I was ready.

I burst out of the chute on that bull with a smile on my
face. I wasn’t worried about staying on for a full eight. I already knew I
would. When that buzzer finally sounded a handful of moments later, I smiled
even wider. I’d finally figured it out.

I knew exactly what was below me—a place I didn’t want to
revisit. That was how I would stay on top for the rest of my life.