Finding Alice (34 page)

“You’re kidding.”

“No. For some reason we get a lot of religious connections in schizophrenia. Probably half the residents here have had some sort of
a religious experience. We’ve had quite a few who believed they were the Antichrist, many who thought they were prophets—”

“I thought I was a prophet.”

He nods. “You’re going to find that it’s not really so mysterious once you start to understand the condition better. You begin to see there are patterns and reasons for certain types of experiences. And the more you know about schizophrenia, the easier it is to deal with it. Of course, there’s still so much we don’t know. But we’ve really made some good progress in the past couple of decades.”

I sigh. “So I’m probably not carrying God’s baby.”

He shakes his head. “You can have a pregnancy test if you like.”

I shrug.

He glances at the papers again. “Dr. Spangler notes here that you’re underweight and malnourished. Probably the reason you’ve missed your periods.”

“I started eating again after I went to live with Faye,” I explain. “But I guess I hadn’t been eating too well before that.”

He nods. “That’s not unusual either. Many of our residents have dealt with the fear that their food has been tampered with or poisoned. That’s why we get you immediately involved in the nutrition program here. One thing you’ll hear a lot around here is that
knowledge is freedom
.”

“Yes, I’ve already been listening to some CDs.”

“Good for you.” He closes the folder now. “So when do you want to check in?”

I take in a sharp breath. “Now?”

He smiles. “Are you worried that you’re going to freak out on us and run off if you don’t do this today?”

“Sort of.”

“Again, I don’t mean to make it sound as if you’re not unique, but that’s pretty typical too.” He writes something down. “You can move in whenever you like. Your room is all ready for you. It’s a private room. But you can have a roommate if you like. We have a woman who’s been sharing a room but is open to switching to a private room.”

“What do you think is best?”

“It’s hard to say. Some people feel they can relax better on their own. It’s easier because they’re not so concerned about what’s going on with the other person. Some find a comfort in the companionship. I’m guessing you’ve led a more solitary life. You might prefer the private room to start with.”

“Yeah. I think so.”

“My secretary, Candice, will help get you set up. Then once you’re settled, you can meet with Julie to arrange your schedule. We have classes and group therapy and counseling sessions. Well, it’s all in the packet.”

I thank him, and I think I really mean it. Then I go and speak to his secretary. She’s an older, gray-haired woman with a kind smile.

“Oh, you’re Simon’s friend, aren’t you?” she says as she hands me a packet and a notebook.

I nod.

“I remember you from the Christmas party. How is Simon doing?”

“I haven’t been over to visit for a couple of days, but the last time I saw him he’d just gotten out of traction and was able to use a wheelchair. He thinks he’ll be walking with a cane in another week.”

“Oh good. We miss him around here.”

Candice takes me down to see my room. It’s painted a buttery yellow and faces the south side where the sun washes across the wooden floor in a puddle of gold. “It’s lovely,” I tell her. “I wish I could move in right now.”

“No reason you can’t.” She hands me the key. “It’s all yours, Alice.”

I stare at the brass key in my hand and realize that I’ve just been given the golden key. Only this one is for real.

Candice leaves, and I remain in the room. It seems too good to be true, but I keep telling myself that it is. Even so I am hearing the voices again. They are yelling obscenities, and Amelia is telling me that I’ve been duped again.

“You are stupid and useless and sinful!” she shrieks. “Not to mention completely deluded. You think these people are going to help you? Ha! Don’t you realize that you don’t deserve to be helped, you spineless wimp!”

“God loves me,” I say aloud, practicing my self-talk. “These people are good. They’re going to help my life to get better—”

“It’s all a trick, you ignorant fool,” she shouts. “Your life will never get better. Never!” Then she lowers her voice, “Get away from here while you can, Alice, before they start doping you up again. Don’t be an idiot!”

“No,” I tell her. “You are wrong. I am going to get better. You’re a big fat liar, Amelia.”

Then just to prove to her, or maybe to prove to myself, I pick up the phone in my room—and to my pleased surprise it really works—and I call for a taxi and wait in the foyer until it comes. Then I climb in and actually smirk as the taxi passes through the security gates without the slightest glitch. Now if only I can get back in as easily.

chapter
THIRTY-FIVE

My Own Invention

I
am barely out of sight of Golden Home when I begin to feel that something is very wrong. My heart begins to pound, and I cannot breathe. Suddenly I’m certain that I’m making a huge mistake. I remember incidents from my stay at Forest Hills—some incidents I had completely blocked out. As various scenes flash through my memory, I am certain that these strange things actually happened, and now I am horrified that the whole nightmare will begin again at Golden Home. Oh, why am I so gullible?

Amelia is in the backseat of the taxi with me, reinforcing all my fears and contributing her own recollections. I know I should pull out the CD player and listen to the recordings on positive thinking, but I am paralyzed.

I want to leap from the taxi, certain that this driver is in on the whole thing, but instead I lean over the seat and tell him to drop me at the hospital. I think my voice sounds calm, but I might be screaming. It’s hard to tell. I know that I’m screaming on the inside.

I
must
see Simon. For whatever reason—maybe it’s still the safety of his temporary disability—but somehow I believe I can trust him.
I may be delusional, but I want to talk to him about my concerns, or rather my unspeakable terrors. I hope he can straighten me out.

Yet even as I walk up to the hospital entrance, Amelia shrieks at me. “What are you doing, you little fool?”

I tell her, “Shut up!” as I walk through the doorway, but she continues harping at me during the entire ride up the elevator.

“You’re such a pitiful sucker, Alice. Don’t you know that Simon is part of their little scheme? You should understand by now that they are all against you. You stupid imbecile! You’ll never learn!”

I try to cover my ears and block out her words, but it’s useless. Several others glance my way in the elevator. I try not to look at them, even though I think the woman in the leopard-print coat is asking me if I’m okay, but I ignore her. I feel that her coat is really a large leopard in the process of devouring her and will come after me next, but I rush from the elevator before it has the chance. With pulse pounding, I hurry to Simon’s room. He’s not there.

I fall across his bed and sob, unsure what to do now. My reserves are empty, and I have nowhere to turn. More and more I have been convincing myself that Amelia is my enemy, but she is so persistent and controlling—and sometimes she really seems to care. Oh, what am I thinking? I know that she hates me, wants to destroy me. And what about the others? They’re even worse. Oh, why won’t they leave me alone? If I could run and run, I might possibly escape them, but when could I stop? My chest feels as if it will burst. I wonder if I’m having a heart attack.

“Alice?”

I stand up to see Simon in a wheelchair, rolling himself into his room, the cast on his leg sticking out like a prow in front of him. I
am totally surprised to see him. I honestly thought he was gone for good. Suddenly I feel silly for my theatrics. What is wrong with me? I try to wipe away the tears and regain some sense of decorum, although it seems quite hopeless.

“What’s wrong, Alice?” He wheels closer and reaches for my hand.

“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I think it’s … it’s just me … and my hallucinations … running away with me.”

He sort of laughs and then gives my hand a warm squeeze. “Have you had your interview with Dr. Golden yet?”

I nod.

“And you’re still planning to move up there?”

I sigh.

He pats the chair next to him. “Alice, I want you to sit down, take a deep breath, and just try to relax.”

I attempt to follow his instructions as I ease myself into the padded chair.

“You need to know it’s no big deal that you’re feeling this sort of apprehension. Really, it’s perfectly normal.”

“Normal?”
I glare at him now. “Nothing about me is normal.”

“You know what I mean, Alice.” He sighs and looks down at his leg, then sadly shakes his head. “Who’s
really
normal anyway?”

I study him more closely and realize that he seems a bit somber. I wonder if something has been going on, and it bothers me that I may have overlooked this before. I am so neurotically self-centered. “How are
you
feeling, Simon?” I ask.

“I’m feeling like I can understand why certain situations can drive a person, even a relatively
normal
person, stark raving mad.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean being trapped in this hospital, stuck in these stupid casts, unable to do much of anything for myself. Then you layer on all the noises, being awakened over and over throughout the night. Dr. Golden always says that it’s possible to drive anyone over the edge if you use the right recipe. I think I know what he’s talking about now.”

I am sorry for him, and for some reason this makes me feel better. I realize how I have become completely unaccustomed to feeling empathy for someone else during these past months. “I’m sorry, Simon.” I squeeze his hand. “Sometimes I think I’m the only one with problems.”

He smiles now. “Yeah, I guess that’s just part of the human condition. We tend to think our own troubles are always the worst.”

“I hate to admit it, but I think maybe I do need some sort of medication.” My unexpected confession surprises me.

He nods. “I know. But not like what you were given at Forest Hills.”

“No, I don’t want anything like that. But maybe just enough to calm things down a bit, you know what I mean?” I shudder to think of how close I am to the edge at this moment.

“Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. So what are you going to do right now, Alice?”

“I’m not sure. I thought I was going back to Faye’s to get my stuff. I thought I might even pay for the taxi to bring her back with me to visit you again before I checked myself in.”

“That sounds like a good plan.”

“Yeah, but what if I freak again?” I press my lips together, trying to suppress the anxiety that is clawing just below the surface. Oh
sure, the voices are quieter right now, but they could erupt with wild screaming and yelling at any moment.

“Hey, why don’t we call Faye and invite her to come over here? Maybe she could bring your stuff with her. We can all visit a while, maybe have some lunch down in the cafeteria. Then you can go back to the Goldens’ afterward.”

And so it is done. Simon calls his aunt, and within the hour she arrives, and we all visit a bit, have some bland cafeteria food, and behave almost like normal people. She even offers to ride in the taxi with me back up to the Goldens’. At first I almost refuse, but then I think it might be nice to have her there, to sort of hold my hand. I guess I’m not above needing someone to hold my hand from time to time.

Faye thinks my room is absolutely wonderful. She goes around and carefully examines everything, making comments like, “Such soft towels … and sweet-smelling lavender soap … a pretty view … lovely bedspread.” Things I hadn’t even noticed before.

Then someone knocks on my door. I jump at the sound, then look at Faye for direction. She nods to me to go ahead and open it, so I do, and there stands Julie holding a basket filled with goodies.

“Welcome,” she says with a big smile.

She hands me the lovely basket, and I just stare at it in wonder.

“Everyone gets a welcome basket,” she tells me. “I’m the official welcome person today, but the basket was put together by a number of the residents. I already took a peek, and it looks quite nice.”

I nod and set the basket by the window.

“Simon called Dr. Golden a bit ago,” she continues. “He said you thought you might need some meds.”

Suddenly I’m not so sure about this idea anymore. When I mentioned meds to Simon, I felt so unsettled, but I feel a little better now.

“Well, don’t worry about it, Alice.” She hands me a small amber bottle. “No one will force you to take anything here. Just so you know, Dr. Golden had already decided to recommend that you try a low dosage of this new antipsychotic. It has very few side effects and is really quite helpful. Honestly, though, it’s up to you.”

I look at the plastic bottle and sigh. “I’m just not sure.”

“They’re not magic pills, Alice, but they might help you gain some control and suppress those hallucinations. And combined with everything else, they might increase your ability to manage your thoughts better. Dr. Golden believes that the path to healing is found when
you
take that kind of control over your life. You do understand that, don’t you?”

I nod slowly. “Yeah, I think it’s starting to sink in.”

“Good.” She pats me on the shoulder. “It’s always roughest right at the beginning.”

Faye comes over now and puts an arm around my waist. “You’re in such good hands, dear. I won’t be the least bit worried about you.” She turns to Julie now. “What about her cat, Julie? Can she have little Cheshire here with her?”

“Of course. All we ask is that residents take full responsibility for their pets’ behaviors and needs, but we’ve got a number of cats that do just fine.”

Faye smiles. “Oh good. Cats are such a comfort. I have a cat carrying case. I’ll bring him up here tomorrow—and some kitty litter things.” She looks at me. “Will that be all right, dear?”