Finding Cait (3 page)

Chapter 5

Matt

    
I am so grateful I have left my bags in the car.  When I pulled up outside
Court’s house I had seen a car in the driveway and knew right away it was
hers.  I knew coming back here was going to be hard but I had no idea that
seeing her again would bring back all the feelings I have been trying so hard
to suppress.  Seeing her sitting there in that tight black skirt and silk
blouse with mascara running down her face shot pain straight through to my
heart.  Watching Court die is going to be extremely painful only to be
made worse watching Cait loose her best friend. 

    
I open the door to my truck and grab my bags, glancing across the street at
Cait’s old house.  Court has lived in this house since moving in with the
Argyles when she was a child.  I am grateful that the Argyles gave it to
her as a gift when they left to serve with their church.  Court has told
me that they are not coming home to watch her die because she has insisted
their time was better spent on the people who can be helped by them. 

I look up to the
window where I used to see her at night watching as I said goodnight to
whatever girl I had brought home.  Walking away from her had been the
hardest thing I had ever done and I question myself all the time whether I had
made the right decision.  Seeing her today, comforting my sister gives me
some relief knowing that I could have screwed that up if I had just acted
impulsively and selfishly.  

    
Feeling so torn right now I step back and look aimlessly down the street while
I try to resolve the inner conflict I am having.  I don’t want to be here
to watch my sister die.  I know that I will never be the same without her
and I am pissed that fate has stepped in, taking the only family member I have
left.  At the same time my heart feels at home and implores me to hurry
back into the house so I can be near Cait.  I need to get it together so I
can do what I came here to do.

    
What exactly I am doing here I don’t know.  Court had called me to tell me
her doctors suggested Hospice when the last scan had revealed the tumors had
not shrunk but in fact had spread.  I admire her bravery, I am not sure I
would have been able to ask a timeframe for my own death.  Court has
always been strong and I used to hope that she would move past losing our
parents so that she could find a husband of her own and start a family, she would
make such a great mother.  She and I have always been close, filling in
for each other the empty spaces left after our parents had died.  I can’t
believe she is not going to be here this year for Christmas for our annual
phone call where we talk about mom and dad and what it might be like if they
were still here. 

    
Adjusting my bag higher on my shoulder I swallow the lump rising in my throat
and start heading back into the house.  I need to get Cait alone for a
little while so I can ask her the questions I can’t bring myself to ask
Court.  I know Cait is separated from Elliot but I also know that he is
all she knows and she will probably run back to him when she loses my
sister.  I can’t blame her; I wish I still had someone to run to myself. 
Keeping my distance from her during my time here is going to be a
challenge.  Even with make-up running down her face I wanted to grab her
and feel her close to me. I am dying to see if the charge that ran through my
body with our last kiss was just a one time thing or if she truly would be the
only girl that could have that over powering effect on me. 

    
When I reach the door of the house I can hear the girls talking and I try to be
quiet so I don’t interrupt them.  I can hear the playfulness in my
sister’s voice and I would do anything to have her continue that conversation
forever.  I stand in the front room making my way to where the voices are
coming from and I see Cait before me, tall and beautiful as the light from the
kitchen bounces off her body.  I have been so busy paying attention to the
way she is standing I haven’t heard a word they have said but I pull myself
back into the room just as Cait says, “It is never going to happen.”

Chapter 6

Cait

    
“What is never going to happen?” Matt asks as he walks into the room where I am
now trapped by Court’s frail body.  I flash a
you better not say it
glance
at Court.

    
“I was just telling Cait I could beat her to the shower.” Court never takes her
eyes off of mine as she speaks, “I think she is willing to take me down if that
is what it takes.”

    
“I will take a quick one and then it is all yours,” I say as Court moves out of
my way and allows me to walk past her into the small hallway that leads to the
room I will be staying in.  As I make my way down the hall I suddenly
remember that my bags are still in the front room next to the couch.  I
turn around to make my way past both of them to retrieve my bags but I see that
Matt has already grabbed them and is headed towards the hall. 

    
“Thanks, guess I am going to need those.”

    
“No problem,” he says motioning for me to continue down the hall.  We are
soon in the room where I am going to be staying and I turn around to thank him
but he looks worried and I stop myself before I can get the words out. “How
long?” he asks me and I suddenly feel the weight of the world fall on my heart.

    
I take a deep breath, “Two weeks.” I can hear him let go of the breath he was
holding.  He places my bags on the floor next to the bed and pauses before
he looks back at me.

    
“Nothing can be done?  We are just supposed to watch her die?” He looks to
me as though I have an answer that is different from what he has just summed
up.  I don’t want to cry again and I try to be strong for him.  I
look to the floor and shake my head no. 

    
Matt throws the strap of my bag down and draws in a big breath as he places his
hands on his hips and stares up at the ceiling. “Shouldn’t be her,” he says as
he continues to stare.  I agree but know that it is a statement that does
not need my response.  “Thanks for being here for her,” he manages to say,
“I know these next two weeks are going to be horrible and demeaning for Court
and having you here will make it so I don’t have to help with the things that
would embarrass her.”

    
“Of course Matt, she is best friend, more than that actually.  She is the
sister I never had and in the last few years she has been the stand in mother I
have needed.  I will do whatever she needs.  How long can you
stay?”  I am trying to act calm as if his answer will not affect my
ability to remain sane until Court passes.  I suck in a deep breath and
wait for his response, as I will the constriction around my heart to
loosen.  I wonder if he will notice I am trying to inhale his scent again.

    
“Until she is gone.  My superiors owe me a few favors and I am planning on
cashing them in.  I don’t want you to have to make the arrangements alone
and I don’t want some strange man lifting my sister or living in her
home.  Looks like we are in this together.”  Matt moves towards the
bedroom door and turns around one last time before leaving, “Sorry to hear
about Elliot, I always thought that guy was an ass and didn’t deserve you.”

    
I am completely caught off guard by this and I can feel the tears well up in my
eyes as I sit down on the corner of the bed and sink my head into my
hands.  I am not going to be able to do this.  I am at the bottom of
the deepest, darkest hole I have ever been in.  I feel the warmth of a
hand on my chin as Matt raises my face to meet his eyes. 

Chapter 7

Matt

    
I needed to say
something about Elliot.  I am not usually one for elephants in the room,
but I guess a little more tact on the delivery would have been nice.  When
we were younger I remember sitting in the garage on my workout bench watching
Elliot’s headlights coming up the street.  The guy was such an asshole it
killed me to see her with him.  I fiddled with some weights so my presence
there was not obvious and I listen to them say goodnight to each other.  I
turned away from the car when I knew she is going to kiss him but couldn’t help
myself from turning back around in time to see her stunning body slip out of
the truck, her legs tanned form our time on the beach. 

    
Cait was one of those girls that were beautiful without trying.  Her long
brown hair was pulled into a ponytail and the sundress she was wearing clung to
her hourglass figure.  She wasn’t always that sexy, when we first met she
was ten and I was twelve and her outfits back then consisted of baggy jeans and
oversized t-shirts.  I was always interested in the older girls, unable to
see Cait for the beauty she was until the summer between eighth grade and high
school.  Her shape had become curvy and she had let her hair grow long and
I had to fight to stop myself from staring every chance I got. 

    
As if just looking amazing wasn’t enough, she also always smelt
incredible.  This little fact about her I have never shared with anyone
because I know I would get shit from my friends about what a chick thought it
is.  It didn’t matter if we had ridden our bikes until sweat had drenched
our swim suits on the way down to the beach, I still always let her take the
lead so that I might catch a smell of her hair as she rode in front of
me.  Sitting across the street I watched her walk up to the front door of
her house and I couldn’t take my eyes off her, even as Elliot pulled out of the
driveway and caught me checking her out.  I couldn’t wait for the day that
he grew a pair and said something to me.
 
All I needed was an invitation to bash his face in. 

    
Cait waved goodbye again to Elliot but he was already too far away to see it
and I watched as her face became stoic and she drew in a deep breath before
entering the house.  She did not know that I was aware of what was waiting
on her on the other side.  When she came over to my house to get away from
her mother and find comfort in Courts room I could hear her cry on the other
side of my wall.  I heard her talk about how lonely she felt over there
and how horrible it was to have a mother who slept in her own vomit until Cait
came home and cleaned her up.  I hated to hear her pain and I would lay
awake in my room quietly cursing her mother.  Every instinct told me I
needed to protect her, but I know her mother was not someone Cait wanted my
protection from.

    
Cait and I had shared one kiss and it is the reason I couldn’t get her off of
my mind.  One summer night Court was sick and didn’t feel up to our ride
to the beach.  I knew how much Cait looked forward to going so I suggested
we go without Court.  Cait agreed right away and when she came out of the
house in a tiny red bikini with a little sundress over it I couldn’t help but
think that she had walked right out of my dreams. Her hair fell over her
shoulders and her skin looked so tan against the red of her suit. 

    
I purposely let her take the lead so I could watch her as she rode in front of
me.  By the time we had reached the beach it was taking all of my will
power to not pull her to me and see if her lips tasted as good as they
looked.  We dropped our bikes like we always did where the sand meets the
lot and I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she lifted the small sundress up her
body exposing her thighs, then stomach, then breasts as if it was my own
private strip tease.  I watched as she ran into the water and I dove in
after her knowing that our game would allow me to watch her for a while as she
lay floating on the surface waiting for me to find her.

    
Just like always we separated where the waves broke, each of us hiding from the
other as the darkness surrounded us.  The game had never been sexual, but
that night as I searched for her the intensity to find her and touch her skin
built inside me until I thought I would burst.  When I saw her silhouette
in the light of the moon I followed each curve of her body until my eyes had
rested on her lips.  I swam over to her and touched her hand but this time
I couldn’t resist and I pulled her close to me so I could feel her skin against
mine.  She smiled at first causing my body to react instantly and when I
heard her breathing heavily as we stared at each other I knew she had felt how
much she had turned me on, her body reacting to the same tension I was feeling. 
I almost kissed her then but her face flushed and she treaded back to shore,
putting painful space between us. 

    
We let the waves carry us onto the dark beach and when she rose from the water
she watched me watching her.  I was amazed at how much just the sight of
her skin wet from the ocean did things to my body that no girl had ever done to
me before.  I told myself to calm down, that she was Court’s best friend
and I knew she had never been touched the way I wanted to touch her.  I
got out of the ocean and we headed back up to our bikes.  When we pulled
up outside my house I told her to wait so I could make sure she got inside her
house okay.  I put our bikes away in the garage and then walked her across
the street, my heart racing faster than it ever had. 

    
On the way across the street I looked over at her as she was biting her bottom
lip and I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to touch her when we got
onto her porch out of the view of any passing cars.  Her mother was not
home yet and when she stood in front of me unlocking the door I lost my will
and brushed her hair from her shoulder exposing her bare skin to me.  I
felt her tremble with my touch and that was all I needed to know she would not
stop me if I tried to kiss her.  I kissed her shoulder first and when she
turned to face me I put my hands on her face and leaned in close to her using
my thumb to un-tuck her lip from her teeth.  I traced her lips with my
thumb, watching her eyes to see if she was okay with my touch.  Her breathing
became heavy again and with that I took her lip into my mouth and kissed her
softly until she parted her lips slightly, inviting in my tongue. 

    
Our kiss grew in intensity and it was as if we couldn’t get enough of each
other.  Her hands roamed my body and I had to stop to catch my breath for
a minute before pushing her up against her front door and letting my hands
finally touch her in the places that had called to me that night.  I
placed my knee between her legs and parted them while I pressed myself against
her, pulling her hips closer to me as we kissed.  If it was any other girl
I would have taken her home right then but she was special and I knew she
deserved more than a night in my room.  When I heard her moan against my
mouth I pulled away quick before I could no longer stop myself.  I rested
my forehead against hers, steadied my breathing and then left her there on the
porch so I wouldn’t take what wasn’t mine. 

    
I knew as I crossed the street that night I could never kiss her again. 
As much as I wanted her, I could not bare to think that I could jeopardize her
relationship with my sister. I betrayed my heart when I crossed that street and
I have paid for it every day since.  Court was her only friend and our
house, her safe escape.  I lay awake in my room that night waiting to hear
her sneak into Court’s room.  When she did, I could hear her cry and held
my breath to see if she would tell Court.  I knew that I had broken her
heart and the tears she was crying were because of me but I told myself it was
for the best.  She never mentioned what happened that night to my sister
and as far as I know we are still the only two people who know what took place
on that porch.

   
 
It might have been for the best but the
memory of her touch and taste has never left me.  I tried hard to forget
her, dating many women and making sure not to ever be alone with Cait
again.  My heart wanted her more than it wanted anything.  It is the
kind of need that you only read about, a longing that lasts a lifetime and an
emptiness that can’t be filled.  I have been in love with Cait since that
night on the porch and it is as hopeless to try to stop as the imminent death
of my sister, my other love.