Finding Cait (6 page)

    
Matt shook his head and smiled.  He kissed my cheek and then whispered,
“If he ever hurts you I’ll kill him.”  I didn’t respond because I knew it
was not an idle threat and my heart filled with sadness when I realized he
would always just think of me as a little sister. 

    
Matt left my room that night and I laid there in the dark filled with sadness,
wishing Elliot made me feel the way Matt did.  How stupid it seemed to
want to kiss someone else the night before my wedding.  When I saw him the
next day, as I turned down the aisle, I met his eyes one last time.
 Describing how my heart felt in that instant is not possible because the
sadness and despair that wracked my soul cannot be put into word.  It was
deeper than the ocean and left me feeling an emptiness that continued to seep
through every moment of my life from that point on.  I stood in front of
everyone and said my vows knowing that I had just promised to love Elliot
forever and to do that I needed to quiet my mind of the thoughts of Matt and
put any desire for him behind me. 

    
I had looked for Matt at the small reception so I could say goodbye, well at
least that is what I tell myself I would have told him.  Many times in
dreams I had found him and told him how I felt about him and he would take my
hand and leave with me while all of the guests danced unknowingly. I never
found Matt that night but Court found me wandering around the decorated hall
alone and when she pursed her lips into a little frown I knew she had figured
out who I was looking for.  She told me he was gone, leaving after the
ceremony to catch his flight.  It was for the best really and from that
moment forward the only contact I had with him was through her.

Chapter 13

Cait

    
It is two a.m. when I hear the door open.  I had fallen asleep on the
chair watching Court sleep and I freeze at the sound of Matt entering her
room.  It is so dark I can’t make out his face but I know it is
him
by the familiar smell that warms my heart now.  I
can also smell that he has been drinking since we left him.  I watch in the
darkness as he lifts the covers over her shoulder and then places two fists on
the bed next to her.  He bows his head and I hear him sniff as he tries to
remain quiet but the tears stream down his face and his breathing gives him
away.  I am not sure what to do because I know he would hate for me to see
him broken down like this.  I decide to pretend to be asleep and I lay
there with my heart aching as he sobs over Court. 

    
In the darkness I grieve for all of us.  I feel pain for myself but it
holds the promise of an ending; the pain felt for Court is slightly more
suffocation than my own.  It is tolerable because it will end with her
death, but the grief I feel for Matt is devastating.  Sitting in the dark
I imagine myself meeting Grief at my door, opening my soul to his presence and
watching as he strips my walls of their color and takes everything of any
importance with him.  Ever fiber of my being longs to reach for Matt and
embrace him in the small chance that sharing his pain can lesson its weight on
his heart.  Swallowing down the pain I sit in silence knowing that there
is nothing that can be done to help either
of us and sharing
our grief
would only create a dependency I am unwilling to enable. 
A clean break is for the best
;
the greater the distance
between us the better. 

    
When he pulls it together he stands up and wipes the tears from his face with
his shirt.  I remain still and wait as he walks around the bed to the foot
of the chair where I sit.  He leans down and I can feel him reach under my
legs and back as he pulls me up close to him.  I can’t believe he is
carrying me out of the room but I don’t want to give away that I have just
watched him lose it.  I wait until he lays me on the bed to let him know I
am awake.

    
“Thank you.”

    
“You’re welcome.  I am sorry I wasn’t here.” He says as he sits on the
edge of my bed.

    
“There wasn’t anything you could have helped with,” I say knowing it was only
half true and hoping the slight quiver in my voice doesn’t give me away.

    
“When I got the text that you were going home I couldn’t bring myself to
leave.  Being here is killing me and I have only been here a few
hours.  I have been around death before but mostly it is when the life has
already been claimed.  I can’t imagine what it is going to be like to
watch her fade. I can’t breathe and it’s so fucking painful. I knew I was
sending you here to be killed by the sadness but I couldn’t find the courage to
come back here.  I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to do this alone.”  Matt
turns his face towards mine and I can see the tears fighting to return. 
He may be a grown man but tonight he looks like a lost kid and I can’t help but
to put my hand on top of his.

    
“I am not alone.  Your sister is still here Matt.  If you spend this
time avoiding what Court cannot help you are going to miss it all.  I
didn’t want to get in that cab either but she shouldn’t be alone.  It is
just two weeks, we can do this.”  As I say it I am not sure if it is to
convince Matt or myself.

    
“Just two weeks? I will miss her forever Cait.  Not a day goes by that I
don’t think of the men I have seen die.  I am pissed that they are gone,
that I didn’t get to say goodbye.  I go through each day thinking that
they should be getting to go through their day too.  I think of their
families and what it must be like for them.  How am I going to get through
my sister being dead?  I can’t stop it from happening.  I am as
helpless in this as I am when men lay bleeding out before me.  Do you
think about what it is going to be like after she’s gone?  I know that you
and I are in the same boat now...we are alone.  I have always had her to
be my home.  I call her from everywhere when I need to be anchored again
and now she is going to be gone.”

    
My throat is so tight I try to swallow twice before I succeed.  Taking in
a big breath through my nose I will my voice to remain strong and my eyes to
hold back the tears.  Fraud is what my brain is chanting, knowing that I
will allow myself to be here to experience life without Court.  There has
never been a life without her in my head and I have no idea what it might look
like because my soul is just not interested.

    
“I don’t think about when she is going to be gone.  I know I will find
peace.”  I almost feel guilty saying it now, knowing that his peace and
mine are very different.  I can’t promise him he will find peace or
encourage him to think of the positives like I would with one of my
clients.  It is all too real now and I know that no matter what way I try
to look at it, it is all tainted with sadness and grief. 

    
Matt lies back on my bed next to me and kicks his shoes off.  He crosses
his arms on his chest and takes a deep breath.  “You remember when you
lived across the street?”

    
I nod my head and scoot over to make more room for him.  I should be
uncomfortable with another man in my bed but he feels safe to me.  I am
lost in the warmth of another person by me after all these months and I am
starting to not feel so alone. 

“I used to watch
you say goodnight to Elliot at the end of your days together.  You would
give him a kiss and then jump down from the truck to run up to your front
door.  I remember how you would look back at him as he pulled out of the
driveway and then the happiness would fade from your face as he drove
away.  I used to get so angry that he never saw that happen.  He
would just leave and not notice how unhappy you were without him.  He
didn’t deserve you Cait.  I would watch from over here and die knowing
that you were going into that house with your drunk mother and your only
happiness was a dirt bag that couldn’t stop to make sure you got in safe. 
If he would have just looked back he would have seen how sad you were.”

    
I lay there next to him not knowing what to say.  I never knew he watched
me and I thought the secret of what I was going home to was only known to
Court, my mother and I.  It was true what he was saying: Elliot and Court
were my only happiness, which is why I spent so much time with him.  “He
couldn’t have saved me from her you know.  She was my cross to
bare
and I don’t blame him for what I had to do.  At
least he took me away from that place all day so the nights that I cleaned up
after her couldn’t consume me.”  Risking a look at his face I raise my
eyes up to try and meet his.  Matt is staring at the
ceiling,
jaw clenched in anger and I watch as he takes in a deep calming breath.

    
“I disagree.  He could have walked you to the door, or better yet walked
you to your room.  It would have held your mother accountable for the mess
that she was.  I remember hearing you sneak into Court’s room at night
after cleaning up after your mom.  I can remember being able to smell you
in the hall the next morning.  Your hair was always wet from the shower
and I would lie in my room waiting for you to leave so that I could watch you
cross the street.  I used to be so afraid something would happen to you
while you crossed from our house to yours.”

    
With his words I feel a flush rush through me.  Knowing he cared enough to
watch and that he had known my secret all along makes my heart beat
faster.  Not letting myself appreciate that kindness from him has become a
habit and now I fight to lighten the seriousness that has settled between
us.   

“That must have
been on the nights that you didn’t have one of your many girls sleeping over?”
I ask trying to lighten the mood.

    
“Girls didn’t sleep over Cait and you know it.  Don’t think I didn’t
notice you watching from your window to make sure they all left.”  I can
feel my cheeks flush as he says this and he notices too.  He starts to
laugh and that smile I have begun to crave stretches across his face. 

    
I know I can’t recover from this and I lift my forearm up to block my eyes as I
laugh at myself also. I move the hand away when the laugh calms down and when I
rest it on the bed I feel his hand take mine. 

    
“Please let me sleep here tonight Cait.  I won’t touch you more than this
I promise, I just can’t bare to lay in bed alone with my thoughts. It is much
more fun to talk about your stalking tendencies then to plan Court’s funeral as
I try to sleep.”

    
It is in that moment that I know my heart is going to be a problem in my
decision to keep the distance between us.  My head yells to tell him no,
it may hurt him now but it will lessen the pain for him when I take my life,
but my heart aches to be near him and the warmth from his hand in mine rises up
my arm and straight to my heart.  Selling a piece of my soul with the
promise that I will create more distance tomorrow, I let my heart win this
battle so that in the end my brain can with the war.

  
“Okay, you can stay but you need to get to your room before Court
notices.  I don’t want to hear it from her.  She has some fantasy
that you and I will live happily ever after together and I don’t want to give
her false hope.”  He looks hurt by this comment but I want to be
clear.  He can’t possibly think there could be anything between us. 
As much as I feel at peace with him next to me I know that he will leave me
too.

Chapter 14

Matt

    
I don’t know if I can do this.  Hopeful that Cait was a big enough
distraction to get me through the night I had jumped at the opportunity to have
some fun.  The tension between us at the bar lit a fire in me that I have
not felt in a long time and I had been so sure I would finally get to touch her
again and maybe even hold her close as we danced.  When that asshole
bartender had stared at Court like she was some sort of freak I snapped. 

    
Drinking has always been my out.  Alcohol and drinking buddies are easy to
come by in the Marines and old habits
die hard
. 
That bartender had me so pissed I couldn’t see straight When I felt Cait look
to me to make it stop I knew the night was not going to go the way I
planned.  I fucked up again, drinking too much to numb the pain he caused
us and reaching for another girl to brighten my mood.  Cait was pissed and
I could tell.  I tried to make conversation at the bar but I felt like she
was not interested, the tension from earlier lost on the asshole staring at my
sister.

    
The text messages sent me into a panic, not feeling the phone vibrating in my
pocket because of the roaming hands of the girl I was dancing with I completely
failed to be there when Cait needed me.  Seeing Cait curled up in the
chair next to the bed where my sister lay dying really slammed it home that I
was going to have to watch Court die and lose Cait again before it is all
over.  Knowing what it is like to lose Cait once already, I am dreading
the day we separate this time.  I know that our reason to remain in
contact will die with my sister.

    
Cait is too nice to let me suffer alone, a weakness I just used to my
advantage.  I know that the distance between us is going to grow wider the
further Court slips but tonight I am going to feel Cait’s body against me and
finally spend one night next to this beautiful woman.  Not thinking about
what pain tomorrow will bring, I slide into bed beside her.  The warmth of
her body eases the tightness in my chest and I pray that somehow tonight won’t
end.