Finding Ever After (32 page)

           
“Not my whole house, just the kitchen.” I wasn’t sure why I tried to minimize
the situation. Less than an hour ago I was the one needing to be reassured, but
I felt like it was important not to let Kyden see how crushed and scared I was.
He and I weren’t anything, but he was still an alpha male through and through.
He would still go all protective
caveman
if he saw how
threatened I felt because of the attack.

           
I didn’t look at him, but the tension I felt coming from that side of the room
told me it wouldn’t take much for him to unleash a whole lot of rage, but any
thoughts of revenge would likely get him killed or in jail.

           
“Have they arrested him?” Kyden bit out. I shook my head.

           
“Then I don’t care if it was just a fucking broom closet. He’s not getting away
with it.” Or he might go caveman anyway. I finally turned my head to face him,
to try and talk him down, but I struggled to find my words under the intensity
of his gaze.

           
“I have to say that I agree with
Ky
,
Rainbow. We need to teach that son of a bitch a lesson.” Ace was nodding
alongside him, but neither of them knew what they were suggesting, what it
would mean if they tried to retaliate. I shook my head and tried to reason with
them.

           
“No, you guys can’t do anything. You have to let it go.” They snorted and
stared back at me. The irritated look on each of their faces told me there was
little chance of that happening. Kyden especially, seemed primed for a fight.

           
“The hell we do Princess.” He seethed. “I don’t care who he is-”

           
“Well you should.” I cut him off. “He’ll kill you, and if not him then my
father. I know you think you’re trying to protect me, but you’re going to end
up dead!” I yelled at him, surprising all of them with my outburst. Kyden
looked like he was going to continue arguing with me, but Chris chose that
moment to intercede.

           
“Enough. She’s right, nobody is going to do anything right now, so just calm
the fuck down.” In the past Chris and Bas had always been on the other side of
this argument, but they had seen enough over the years to know how futile it
was.

           
“Someone needs to fill us in on a few details, because we seem to be missing
something here, Rainbow. What does your father have to do with the asshole
trying to hurt you?” I really wasn’t in the mood to draw it out, or break it to
them gently so I just threw it out there bluntly.

           
“My father is Jack Malloy and Connor works for him, so if you guys try any sort
of payback you’re
gonna
end up buried, or in pieces.
Probably both.”

           
They definitely weren’t expecting that. Except for Kyden and Chris, all of
their faces transitioned through a range of emotions from shock to confusion to
apprehension and then back to shock that bordered on awe.

           
“Holy shit.
You’re like some kind of mob princess?”
Ace asked, and even though he was really far off, I couldn’t blame him for his
reaction.

           
“No, it’s not like that, not even close. I’m nobody’s princess.” I looked
directly at Kyden when I said that last part.

           
“Why wouldn’t your father protect you from Connor, or better question, why
hasn’t your dad killed him yet?” It was Spade’s turn to unload the questions, only
his were one’s I didn’t want to answer. My cheeks burned, showing the shame I
felt at once again having to admit just how much my father didn’t care.

           
“My father chose him over me. It doesn’t matter what Connor does, because my
father will always take his side.” My eyes stung with unshed tears that I so
badly didn’t want to release. How many times was I going to cry over that
disappointment? It was past time to just accept it and move on, only I still
didn’t know how.

           
I was too drained for any more talk of the fire, Connor, or my father, and
dealing anymore with Kyden was a headache in the making. I said goodnight and
Chris led me to his room, where I was going to stay. I left the rest of them to
discuss me once I was out of hearing range.

           
Chris closed the door behind him and I changed into pajamas and curled up in
his bed. I was staring at the ceiling, at such a loss for what to do when my
phone rang. It was an unknown number so I figured it was Bas calling from
Lissa’s
phone.

           
“Hello.”

           
“You really need to stop leaving town. If you don’t want anything bad to happen
to the people you leave behind, like your brother or his pretty little girl,
you won’t do it again. I’ll destroy a lot more than your house slut.”
Connor.

           
I hung up the phone immediately and
threw it on the other side of the bed like it was a snake that would bite me. I
waited, barely breathing, for it to ring again, but it didn’t. I took a deep
breath and tried to calm myself. Connor wanted me afraid and cowering, he
wanted me weak. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction. I needed to be hard,
hard enough not to whimper and cry every time he tried to beat me down. I had
to be strong enough not to run, not to hide behind
Bas
,
or anyone else.

           
If he thought he was going to find me vulnerable and unable to defend myself
again, he was dead wrong. I didn’t spend the last few years being knocked on my
butt in the gym repeatedly, so that I could not fight back when it was time. I
wouldn’t let him intimidate me anymore.

           
I left town because of him and my father once before. I wouldn’t do it again.
They stripped me down to nothing but fear and shame and I refused to be that
person again. I was building a life here. I had new friends who were quickly
becoming family and the ones who had always been my family. I wouldn’t let him
hurt any of the people I cared about.

           
I was right when I said my father would have any of the guys killed for going
after Connor, but that didn’t include me. My father wouldn’t touch me. He might
not love me or care what Connor did, but he wouldn’t kill me. Truth was he’d
probably respect me more for it. I had to settle this.

           
My body hummed with a violent outrage that I would have found disturbing if I
wasn‘t so wrapped up in my desire to strike back at Connor. There would be no
more feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to be a Malloy, but maybe I needed
to embrace that side of myself.

           
The question I needed to answer was, if I did it, would I lose the part of
myself I was trying to hang on to? How fine was the line between fighting back,
and being cold and vicious? Could I act like my father, make calculating
decisions like him, be relentless like him, without turning into him? I didn’t
know if I could control the fury burning beneath my skin, or if the hate I felt
growing stronger would eat me up?

           
I thought I was becoming like him once before and it nearly crippled me. What
would happen if one day the warmth was missing from my eyes and they were
nothing but the same empty silver pits I saw on his face? What would my mom
think of the raging storm brewing inside of me? Would Bas look at me
differently if I wasn’t his sweet Jazz anymore, would any of them look at me
the same? I didn’t know, but I did know I couldn’t tell any of them about the
phone call.

           
My thoughts had become too heavy for the night and my anger quickly turned into
exhaustion. When I shut my eyes the exhaustion overtook me.  

           
I didn’t know how much trouble I was in, but I knew it was going to be more
than I’d ever been in before. Mom had been in Mr. Lambert’s office for a long
time. I wish he hadn’t called her, but he had, and here I was sitting outside his
office waiting for the door to open so I could see just how angry she was. I’d
never been sent to the principal’s office before, but Jill just made me so mad.
She deserved it, and I’d do it again.

           
I felt my face heating with anger as I thought about how she had embarrassed me
out on the playground, in front of everyone. I wanted to shove her down in that
mud puddle all over again and call her every name I’d ever heard in those grown
up fighting movies Chris liked to watch with his friends when his dad wasn’t
around. He always tried to kick Bas and me out, but we would sneak into the
room and sit behind them and watch the movie until we got caught.

           
My mom put soap in my mouth the first time I repeated one of those words, but I
wouldn’t take any of the ones I had called Jill back, even if she made me eat a
whole bar of soap. Mostly I just wished Bas hadn’t been home sick from school.
Jill wouldn’t have dared to say those things about me if he was there. All of
the girls liked Bas, but he was my best friend and they didn’t like that.

           
She would know better now, than to tease me and make everyone
laugh
at me like that. They would all know
better,
or next time-

           
The door to Mr. Lambert’s office opened up and Mom stepped out. He was right
behind her. They both had serious looks on their faces but I couldn’t really
tell how upset she was. That could be bad for me if she was just waiting until
we were outside the school to really let me have it, or maybe it meant she
wasn’t that mad. Maybe she understood why I did it. Maybe she was on my side
and would call up Jill’s mother and tell her how horrible her daughter was and
how she deserved to be pushed into the mud.

           
When her eyes met mine, I knew I wasn’t that lucky. I wished she would look
angry and just yell at me, because that would be better than seeing the
disappointment that was on her face. There was nothing as bad as having Mom
disappointed in me, I hated letting her down like that. She had enough
disappointment from my loser dad. I didn’t want to be like him.

           
Last weekend was Valentine’s Day and I saw her looking at his picture again. I
wanted to cut it into a thousand pieces and burn it because all it ever did was
make
her sad. Right now I was making her sad though. I
felt something icky in my stomach, and it was hard to swallow.

           
Once we were in the car I tried to explain my side of the story, hoping that
maybe Mr. Lambert had left something out, and that if she just knew everything,
she might not look at me like that again.

           
“Jill said I was gross and stupid and that I look like a boy, and that the only
reason Bas played with me was because he thought I was a boy and that I should
have to go in the boy’s bathroom. She said I even had a boy’s name and that I
must have been such an ugly baby that you couldn’t tell what I was. I was just
so mad that I pushed her in the puddle and called her names.”

           
“Yes, I heard all about the words you used on the playground and I don’t think
that your behavior convinced anyone that you are a young lady.” She was still
disappointed. Why didn’t she see that it was Jill‘s fault not mine?

           
“But Jill started it.” I insisted, still trying to make her understand that I
hadn’t done anything wrong.

           
“Did shoving her and calling her names make you feel good?” I wanted to say
yes, because it had, but something told me that was the wrong answer, and if it
was, then maybe was I wrong too?

           
“I don’t know.” I settled for the safest answer I could think of.

           
“Was what you did any better than what she did?”

           
“But I had to do something, she was being a bully.” I didn’t see where Mom was
going with this, but I was frustrated because I still felt like I hadn’t done
anything wrong.

           
“So you decided to become a bully as well?” What? No? I wasn’t the bully.

           
“I was just sticking up for myself.” I said defiantly.

           
“No, what you were doing was trying to hurt that girl because she hurt you.”
Well yeah, I wanted her to pay for what she said. “There’s a difference between
standing up for
yourself
and getting revenge. Revenge
is ugly and cruel and it makes you just as bad as the bullies. What you did was
wrong. You don’t want to be someone who wants to hurt people
do
you?” When she said it like that . . .

           
“Well, no, but-”

           
“No buts sweetie, because that’s what you did today. There’s always a better
choice than to sink to their level. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are,
when you start acting and thinking like a bully you become one too.” Dang it, I
hated when she was right, but I knew that she was.

           
“I’m sorry mom. She just made me so mad.”

           
“I know Princess. You’re a sweet girl, you have a good heart. You’re better
than what you did today.” I really wanted to be better. She believed in me and
I didn’t want to let her down again.