Finding Faith (12 page)

Shocked into silence, her mouth unable to form words, as he continued baring his soul to her as they sat on her front porch. The warm sun was setting and it provided the illusion of a normal night. This was becoming anything but that.
 

“I know I have no right to say these things to you. It doesn’t make any sense for me to feel this way. I know that, but it doesn’t change anything.” Sitting back up, he took a deep breath.
Rubbing his hands together rapidly, he then placed one on his thigh and the other rubbed the back of his neck. It was a nervous habit she had picked up on a few weeks ago.
 

“Cooper, I can’t sit here and wait for you to decide what you want. I won’t.” Tears were forming in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. How dare he give her the words she wanted to hear, but refuse to acknowledge the reasons? “And if I recall, just the other night, you asked me to watch Madison this weekend while you went on a date. Again!”
 

She stood up from the bench, her body shaking as she tried to calm down. “How dare you! You come to my house, telling me that you don’t want me to date anyone. That you can’t stand the thought of another man touching me. Yet, days later, you will be doing that very thing to another woman.”
 

“Listen to me, Faith. It didn’t come out right. I know I can’t dictate what you do with your life,” he said while reaching up one hand to her.
 

“No, you listen to me. Until you get your shit together and make a choice, we’re just friends. I won’t be anyone’s second choice, Cooper. Either you want to stay married to the memory of your late wife, or you want the real thing. A living, breathing woman.” Taking a breath, she calmed her voice as she looked at him staring at her with eyes widened in shock. “Cooper, I’m not saying what your choice has to be. But you do have to make a choice. Live in the past or build a new future. It’s your choice. But if I’m not here waiting for you when you finally decide, then so be it.”
 

His blue eyes darkened and his brow furrowed in anger. “Faith, you can’t ask me to make that choice. I need time to do what’s right.”
 

“No, you don’t Cooper. You know what’s right. You know what you want. All you have to do is take a leap of faith. Until then, go home. I’ll see you on Saturday when you drop off Madison,” she said sadly. Unable to hide how she was feeling, the hurt and pain came through loud and clear.
 

“I’ll cancel. It was a setup by an Army buddy. It means nothing,” he responded.
 

“No, you should go. This is not an ultimatum. This a friend giving you some much needed advice. You can’t continue to live in the past, Cooper, or else you miss the future that’s standing right in front of you.” Walking past him was one of the hardest things she’d ever have to do. Closing the door behind her, she looked out the curtains every once in a while and still he sat. For more than thirty minutes he stayed there, sitting silently as the sun began to dip behind the horizon.
 

A few minutes before Madison was due home, he stood and left. Not once looking back.
 

Saturday night had finally come and Faith was on edge. After their conversation on the front porch, she and Cooper had only seen each other once. She had made lasagna for dinner on Thursday night and it had been way too much food for her, but instead of walking over some dinner for them to eat, she had just put it away in the fridge for leftovers. Plus, she hated the tension that had built up between the two of them.
 

If he were so upset about her going on a date with another man, why couldn’t he understand how she felt? Offering to cancel his date was not the same thing as never going in the first place. Then again, she couldn’t throw stones. Her date with John was still a barrier between them. Still not understanding why he was so intent to understand her reasons for going on a date, she was tempted to think he had been jealous. It had been a nice evening, but she and John hadn’t even kissed good night. She had been too worried about how it would look to Cooper when he found out. And she had been right.
 

Looking at the clock and noting the time, she worried her bottom lip with her top teeth. There was no way in hell she was going to get through this night intact. Her tough exterior was just that, a shell. In reality, she was a sap for romance and happily-ever-after. Once she had fallen for Cooper, there had been no one else.
 

Then why did you tell him you were going to Miami? Isn’t that the same thing? Is that the right thing? Visiting another man, even if it’s not romantic?
 

Questions related to her own behavior ran through her mind and she could no longer deny the truth. She had been wrong. There was no way in hell she would be going to Miami and she knew it. A phone call to Arthur would be in order to let him know she would have to pass on his generous offer. She just hoped his fiancé would understand why she had to bail on them at such short notice.
 

Although she wasn’t a glutton for punishment, she couldn’t get Denise’s hateful words from their botched lunch almost four months ago out of her mind. Although a very sexual woman, she wasn’t foolish enough to think men did not see her as a sexual object. This wasn’t her first time at the rodeo and neither was she an innocent. It had taken her years to get to where she was, to a place where she was confident in the woman she portrayed to the world.
 

In one day, no—one hour—she had allowed a back-stabbing friend to set her back by years. She had never questioned her value before and she sure as shit wasn’t going to start now. But a fear of the future now held her in his grip. Now that she had found someone that not only made her feel whole—not only as a woman, but as a person—she had proof that it had to have been a moment of weakness. None of it had been real, and that’s what hurt the most.
 

How did she know it wasn’t real? Because Cooper had a date. Tonight. With a woman who wasn’t her. All that talk about cancelling and how it meant nothing, was just that. Talk.
 

“Oh, Cooper, don’t you see? I want something more with you,” she murmured under her breath. Standing in front of the stove, she was stirring some creamy macaroni and cheese. An
entire night of bad food, nail polish, and games were in order for her and Madison’s upcoming girl’s night.
 

Looking at the clock again and seeing that only five minutes had passed, she sighed. Noting that it was almost seven o’clock, she turned the heat down and went to put on the cartoon channel for Madison. That would entertain her for at least a few minutes when she arrived. The knock on the door sounded loudly in the room just as the show came back from a commercial.
 

Peeking out the side window to confirm it was Cooper, she swung the door open, a big, fake smile on her face. And she immediately regretted the decision to wear her comfortable in-house relaxation clothes. Cooper looked amazing. Wearing a dark grey suit with a light pink shirt that complimented his skin tone, he looked sexy as sin. No man had the right to look so good. He wasn’t wearing a tie and the first two buttons of his shirt were undone, allowing her to glimpse, just a peak of his bare skin.
 

Had he ever looked this good for her? No, her mind yelled. No, he had not.
 

“Hi, Faith! I’m here!” Although quite unnecessary, Madison announced her presence. Loudly.
 

Stepping back to let them into the house, she bent down to give the little ball of energy a kiss on the cheek. “Hey, princess, I have your favorite show playing on the television.”
 

“Okay. Bye, Daddy. I’m with Faith now. You can leave.” Dismissing both adults just that easily, she ran into the living room and plopped down on the floor. Chin resting on her hands, she began singing one of the opening songs.
 

Faith couldn’t help but smile. No matter how bad she was feeling, Madison could always cheer her up. Her father, on the other hand, was a different story.
 

“Thanks, Faith, I appreciate you watching her tonight,” his voice broke into her thoughts.
 

“Sure,” she responded, somewhat sullenly.
 

Closing the door behind him, he walked further into the room, closer to Faith. She stepped back. Tilting his head as he looked at her, he took two steps closer. Her feet two steps back.
 

“Why didn’t you pick up my calls yesterday and today,” he asked.
 

“I’ve been busy. Plus, if I hadn’t picked up your calls, how am I still watching Madison tonight?” she hissed.
 

Giving her a look of frustration, he ran his hand down his face, “What’s wrong with you, Faith? Why are you acting like this?” Looking at her with something akin to hurt in his eyes, his voice was low as he asked her, “What’s going on with us? You said you were okay with this.”
 

Teeth clenched, she glared at him in frustration, “I am,” she ground out. Glancing into the living room, she yelled out in a happy tone of voice, “I’ll go get you some dinner, honey. Keep on watching your show.”
 

“Okay,” Madison yelled back over her shoulder.
 

Walking into the kitchen, she knew Cooper would be following. How in the hell would she answer his question? Give him the truth? Hell, no. Avoidance? Absolutely!
 

“What do you mean, Cooper? How am I acting exactly? You thanked me for watching Madison. I said sure. What else is there to say?” She knew exactly why she was behaving
standoffish. Her feelings were hurt that Cooper had a date. It had solidified her initial thought that the other weekend had been a fluke. A momentary lapse in judgement.
 

And honestly, knowing that she had just been a fill-in really sucked. Even after they had spoken a few days ago, here he was, standing in here in her kitchen about to go on a date.
 

Hands in his pockets, Cooper stood staring at her, probably trying to figure out what the hell to say next. Eyes blazing fire in her direction, she saw his firm jaw working overtime and knew he was grinding his back teeth. Not a stupid man, she was positive Cooper knew exactly what was bothering her.
 

Unwilling to give him the satisfaction of seeing how hurt she really was, she stood firm and didn’t say a word. It would be a cold day in hell before she told him what was really wrong. Let him stew in his own juices. Two could play this game.
 

“Come on, Faith. That ‘sure’ didn’t sound quite right,” he said, finally breaking the silent standoff. Taking one step further into the kitchen, he continued, “Are you sure you’re okay with watching Madison tonight? This date is just a formality. It won’t mean anything. Plus, you said for me to go!” With his voice raised, he stopped and lowered his head. She watched him take a few breaths, “I won’t be that long. When I get back, we’re going to talk about this. About us. I don’t like this. This isn’t us.”
 

“Cooper, I told you that I would watch her.” Getting annoyed now, her voice had a hint of steel, “Just leave, Cooper. Go out on your date. I’m sure she’s waiting for you.”
 

“Yeah, I guess I had better. You know, this was scheduled more than three weeks ago. It was just hard to cancel on her this late in the game. You understand that right, Faith?” His voice implored her to listen.
 

Unfortunately, Faith wasn’t in the mood to be forgiving tonight.
 

Then again, what right did she have to be upset with him? No promises had been made between the two of them. No declarations of love had been whispered into the night. They were just two people who enjoyed each other’s company and maybe had some slight sexual attraction. It wasn’t his fault that Faith found herself falling in love with a man who considered her a substitute. And a poor one at that.
 

“Cooper, don’t worry about it. Go on your hot date.” Briefly looking down at her chosen attire for the evening, then over at him, she took a deep breath, “No, seriously, I’m fine. I’ll hang out with Madison and we’ll do water paints, eat creamy mac and cheese, and probably make cupcakes. My life of glamour and excitement.”
 

“I think that sounds like an amazing night,” he said while removing his hands from his pocket and taking a few more steps into the kitchen. Closer to her, yet again.
 

“Riiiggghhht. Which is why you’re headed into the city for a swanky dinner with your hot date and I’m here in old gray sweatpants,” she responded.
 

“Didn’t you have a hot date just over a month ago? At least I’m telling you where I’m going,” he said with anger lacing his voice.
 

Frustration seemed to pour off of him and she was momentarily stunned. She watched as he closed his eyes for a second. When they opened, he was calm again and he gave her a brief
smile. His eyes then roamed over her body, taking her in from head to toe, “I think you look beautiful, Faith. You always do, no matter what you have on. I like you just the way you are.”
 

Although she shouldn’t be, Faith was hurt by his words. Now he was just being cruel. What was all that anger about just a few minutes ago? Was he trying to make her crazy with his back-and-forth? One minute he was hot, the next cold.
 

Shaking her head to clear away the unintended impact of his words, she busied herself by putting dinner on a plate for her and Madison. “I’m fine. Leave, Cooper.”
 

Her back was turned to him, so when his voice sounded in her ear, she jumped. “I should be back around eleven o’clock tonight. Is that too late for you?”
 

How the hell had he gotten so close to her so quickly? His face was inches away from hers and she was tempted to throw caution to the wind and capture his lips in a kiss. Right then and there. “N-No, I’ll be here,” she responded, cringing inside at the breathless tone of her voice. “Aren’t I always here when you need me?”