Finding Her Way (17 page)

Madison thought she was going to be sick. She was too late. Jerrica had already found someone else.

“Ms. did you find your friends,” queried the host.

“They’re not here. Thanks,” she answered as she dashed for the door,

Gasping for air the instant she stepped outside, Madison felt bile rising in her throat. Bending over, as she rounded the side of the building, she tried to stop the nauseating feeling. Her heart was thumping loudly in her ears and her chest suddenly felt tight. Madison put a hand to her chest as she struggled to get her breathing under control.

Slow deep breaths.
This is not the time to have a panic attack.
She didn’t need a scene in the middle of downtown. Holding onto the side of the building, her breathing steadied as she returned to a standing position. Moving as quickly as she could, Madison rushed to her car.

You have no time to get upset, you need to get away from here.

Finally out of the city, she eased the car onto the interstate. Feeling a small tear trickle down her cheek, Madison regretfully headed for her parents.

†

By the time she turned into her parent’s driveway, her eyes were no longer red. Her face was devoid of the tearstains that had covered her complexion a short time ago. Shifting her car into park, Madison didn’t move. Resting her head on her hands, she realized she was not ready for the show she knew was about to unfold.

Act one—Her parents would start their mutual interrogation the moment she walked in the door.

Act two—Then once she was alone and settled they would individually find her, to ask the intimate questions. Her mother would ask about her love life, wanting details that she wouldn’t ask in front of her father. Then her father would wander in and ask about her money situation, advancing job opportunities etc.

Act three—Tomorrow morning the pair would try to convince her that she needed to move home to settle down. They never mentioned that they want her to be with a man and have many grandchildren but it’s always implied. Even though they know she enjoys the company of woman.

Act four—Madison leaving early, not talking to her parents for months afterwards. End of show.

She knew the theatrical production well. She was not ready for this at all, she thought sitting back in her seat. She didn’t want to open herself up to more criticism about her choices. She was definitely not ready to share the ache that constricted her chest and reveal the broken heart hidden beneath. A movement on Madison’s left made her turn her head toward the house. Looking at the kitchen window, she could see her mother’s face peering out. With sarcasm in her voice Madison spoke. “It’s show time.”

She had made it to the trunk to retrieve her overnight bag when she heard her father speak. “Hey, butter bean! What took you so long? We expected you earlier.”

Butter bean was her father’s favorite childhood nickname for her. The trunk clicked closed as Madison looked up at the porch where her parents stood. “I left a little later then I had anticipated, took my time getting here, enjoying the scenery,” she explained, avoiding their watchful eyes.

Her foot came to rest on the top of the stairs as her father approached. Slapping her on the shoulder, he grinned. “Just like your old man, spending lots of time in the car.”

Madison smiled as he grabbed her bag, disappearing into the house.

Like your old man, Madison pondered. Was she really like him?

George and Audrey Jeffery welcomed two healthy children born only a few years apart into their joyful lives. Due to complications with Madison’s birth, Audrey could not conceive any more children. They were a happy family of four, at least that’s the picture they portrayed to all their friends. Unbeknownst to her, Madison would become the son her father would never have. Throughout their childhood, her sister Sarah went to ballet classes while she went to karate. When she was old enough, George signed her up for a softball league. Whether she wanted to play or not, she did it for him because it made him proud. She went to college for marketing because of him as well. George was a top-notch sales representative in his day and it was an honorable profession to be part of, he would tell her. Madison followed the path she felt her parents wanted her to take for most of her young life until her last year in college.

At that point, Madison felt it was time to be honest with her family and stop hiding her true self from them. During a short weekend visit, she admitted to her family that she liked being in relationships with women better than men. The family unit was outraged about this new development.

“It’s just a phase,” her mother had said to her. “Once you’re out of college, you’ll change your mind. Everyone experiments in college, or so I’ve heard.”
 

That’s how Audrey dealt with stressful events in her life, she would convince herself it was a temporary problem, and it would soon go away. Her father on the other hand backed away from her emotionally. She didn’t know if it was intentional or not, but realized she had lost the close bond they had once shared. All topics were up for discussion with her father, except her personal life, he would leave that for her mother to inquire about.

When the screen door closed behind him, Madison could feel the distance between them increase. Unexpectedly, her mother stepped in her line of view, wrapping her arms around her.

“Hi, Mom,” she said pulling away from the stifling hug.

“Sweetie, you look thin. Have you been eating?”

“I weigh the same as I did the last time I saw you, Mom.”

Her mother led them into the house. “I thought you were thin then, so my question still stands.”

Madison tried hiding a smile. “Yes, I’ve been eating just fine. Thanks for asking. So how is everyone?”
 

Madison followed her into the kitchen. The smell of corned beef and cabbage wafted through the air.

“Everyone is well. I hope you brought your appetite, I cooked a complete boiled dinner for supper,” she said and smiled, confidently.

“I am hungry, but don’t you think that’s a lot of food for the three of us?” Madison asked as she walked to the stove.

Lifting the lid to the boiling pot, she could smell the aromatic fragrances that reminded her of her youth. Not hearing a response, Madison set the cover back on the pot, turning to face her mom. She was standing across the room leaning on the counter; Madison noticed the baffled look on her face.

“We’ve invited your sister and her family. Didn’t I tell you? We know Sarah would want to see you, too.”

 
“Oh yeah, I’m sure Sarah wants to see you,” her father said in a non-descriptive tone as he entered the room,

 
“I’m going upstairs to freshen up and rest for a little while. Let me know when everyone gets here,” Madison muttered as she headed out of the room.

 
“Madison, dinner is at five o’clock. Your sister will be here around three." She heard her mother call the words after her. “Please come down and socialize.”

“Yes, Mom,” she yelled back as she reached the bedroom.

Stepping into the room, she quietly closed the door behind her.
Peace at last.
Leaning her back against the door, she looked around the bedroom. It still looked the same as when she was in high school. Strolling to her desk, she pushed the papers around that were tossed on top. None of these papers held any important information, so she tossed them in the trashcan.

Without hesitation, she hopped on the bed. Everything in this room belonged to her. Things she had grown up with. The memories were everywhere. She was home, everything should feel right, but it didn’t. Madison felt disconnected from her surroundings. The young girl who used to spend so much time living in the private world of this room was gone. What remained was a woman, looking for acceptance from her family and her own place in the world. The ache in her chest was a constant reminder of precious time lost. Fatigue was winning as Madison stretched putting her hands behind her head, closing her eyes. A twenty-minute power nap and she should be good to go.

†

“Madison Marie Jeffery, wake up this instant!”

Bolting to a sitting position, Madison stared at her sister who was standing at the end of the bed. “What the hell, Sarah?”

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. Turning her head to glance at Sarah, who was now walking around the side, Madison noticed the closed bedroom door. She recognized, all too well, the irritated expression on Sarah’s face.

I was only sleeping. Now what did I do to piss her off? she wondered.

“Who’s Jerrica?” Sarah said as she came to a stop right in front of Madison, “I asked you a question, Madison. Who’s Jerrica? Answer me, damn it!”

Madison knew if she tried to stand, she would push Sarah backwards, or Sarah would shove her back on the bed. Folding her arms across her chest Madison looked up into her big sisters face. “Jeez, Sarah, give me time to wake up. Besides, that’s really none of you damn business. Now, let me up.”

Sarah stepped a little closer, emphasizing she had the upper hand. “It is my damn business when I’m sent up here to get you and you’re calling out this person’s name and… and….”

“And what, Sarah, what exactly are you accusing me of?” Madison’s voice was elevating.

Sarah was not backing down, no matter how uncomfortable she felt about this situation. She wasn’t going to let her little sister win. “Fine, you want to know what I’m accusing you of, you were calling out her name and inappropriately touching yourself in your sleep.”

She could see her sister’s cheeks flush as she finished her sentence. Madison found the situation amusing. “I can’t be held responsible for what I do in my sleep, Sarah. You should have knocked first. Now, step back Sarah or I’ll make you step back,” Madison said as she placed her palms on the bed.

Sarah flinched, stepping back as Madison stood.

Madison summed up her older sister. Sarah looked like she had put on a little weight around the hips, but other than that, she still had the same build. Her golden hair flowed long and today she was wearing designer glasses and not her usual contacts. The sisters stared at one another. Madison hadn’t noticed before that Sarah was shorter than her by at least three inches. The major thing that hadn’t changed in Sarah was the arrogance.

Maybe today will be the day I knock that chip off your shoulder dear sister.

Sarah had to look up as Madison stood in front of her. “What if Robbie had been sent up here to get you? Can you image what damage you would have caused him if he had seen that?”

“I would hope with your parenting skills drummed into him, Robbie would have knocked first,” Madison countered.

Sarah’s face turned deep red with anger. Without another word, Sarah turned to leave.

Madison’s ego needed to get in the last word so she yelled as Sarah was closing the door, “Please tell Mom and Dad I’ll be right down. I need to finish up.”

The door slammed shut without a reply. Madison smiled to herself.

The Jeffery sisters had never gotten along, not even as children. In their parent’s eyes, Sarah could do no wrong. Sarah was the picture perfect daughter, student, wife, and mother. Madison couldn’t compete with Sarah’s flawless life. She was the pretty princess to Madison’s tomboy. Sarah went to ballet and then as she grew older started the local pageant circuit. In high school, she was part of the popular crowd and on the cheerleading squad. What she lacked in intelligence, she made up for in popularity. Sarah had made no plans for further academic paths after high school. Within a year of graduation, she had a part time job, which lasted four weeks, became pregnant, and got married. Even though their parents’ didn’t approve of the pregnancy before marriage, their perception of their princess never wavered. The first-born grandchild could do no wrong in everyone’s eyes. Robbie was born two months after their wedding. He would be ten this year. Robbie was the apple of his aunt’s eye and the bright spot in all their lives.

“Madison, are you coming down?” Her mother called her from the bottom of the stairway.

Madison walked to the door opening it. “I’m coming.”

Taking the stairs two at a time, the aroma of men’s cologne wafted in the air. The smell shocked her nostrils the moment she entered the living room, making her nose wrinkle. Her brother-in-law, Martin, rose off the couch, moving to give her a hug.

“What you smell is not coming from me,” he commented releasing her. “Your nephew has decided he needs to wear cologne. Girls like men who wear cologne, he says.”

“Most women do, but they don’t want to smell them states away,” Madison said waving a hand in front of her nose.

Martin chuckled, returning to the couch to continue reading the paper.

Madison followed the assaulting odor into the kitchen.

Her mother was the first one to see her. “Did you enjoy your nap sweetheart?”

Madison glanced at her sister who was scowling down at the table as she folded napkins.

“Actually, it was very pleasurable. Thanks for asking, Mom.”

Sarah flinched, getting up in haste. “I’m going to find out what Robbie and Grandpa are up to.”