Finding Home (4 page)

“I look forward to our dance,” Hal called as the two made their way out the door into the snow-filled night.

Jessica waited in the living room for a few moments, but Ben didn’t look her way. Feeling uneasy, she walked into the kitchen to find Ellie.

* * * *

The place was packed. Jessica served slice after slice of Ellie’s famous pie, keeping so busy, she didn’t even see Ben when he arrived. Hal had been by a few times, the first for some baked goods, but after that, simply as a welcomed distraction from her duties. She greeted him with a smile when she saw him headed her way again, happy she’d chosen the long black gown for the event. She might be a caterer, but she held her own in the fashion department.

“I think it’s about time for that dance,” he said, giving her a mock bow.

“Oh, I don’t know, Hal. There’s still a lot of dessert to give out.”

“Come on, now,” he replied, his voice smoothness itself. “I’m sure Ellie could let you go for just a few minutes?”

He aimed his question at the older woman, and though she cocked her brow at him, she gave a slight nod. Not needing more approval, Hal swept Jessica onto the dance floor just as a slow number started.

“So, tell me the truth, Jessica,” Hal started, his hands resting comfortably on her upper back. “How do you feel about our dear friend, Ben?”

Jessica shook her head, her long curls bouncing around her shoulders. “Why?”

Hal pushed her away slightly, holding onto her shoulders so he could look at her face as they spoke. “Because he’s got it bad for you,” he said, then jerked his head to the corner of the room. Jessica followed his movement and saw Ben in a three-piece suit, looking dapper and handsome and pissed to all hell.

She giggled.

“Is he always this childish?” she asked. “I have to be honest, he’s been quite sour today. I’m certainly not attracted to that.”

“You know,” Hal said, weighing her question more seriously than she’d asked him, “I don’t rightly know. He seemed more together before he left. I’d guess coming home has been pretty hard for him. We still love him, but I don’t think he knows that yet. Still, no reason to act like a ten year old. You know, I think I’ll tell him that.”

Hal spun her around the dance floor, twirling and dipping her until she was dizzy and gasping for breath for all the laughter. In mere moments, he’d positioned them near the brooding man in the corner.

“Hey, Ben,” Hal shouted. “There’s no need to be a ten year old.”

Then he swept her away again, putting them at the opposite end of the room for the end of the song.

“Well,” Jessica said, trying to hide her mirth, “that wasn’t particularly helpful.”

“You don’t think so?” Hal asked, opening his eyes in fake innocence before changing the subject. “Well, in all seriousness,” Hal said as the last notes hovered in the air, “if you’re interested in him, which I suspect you are, give him a little time to shape up. This isn’t the Ben I know. He’s got some shit to sort out, if you know what I mean. Starting with that right there.”

Hal pointed.

She saw a lithe blonde talking to Ben, her delicate frame leaning into him as she whispered in his ear. Jessica’s stomach tightened, and she mentally slapped herself.
Stop it.
She had nothing to be jealous about.

“Why do you think I’m interested in him?” she asked Hal, still looking at Ben.

“Easy,” Hal said, releasing her as they returned to the buffet table. “You haven’t tried to kiss me yet.” He grinned and bowed as he backed away, causing Jessica to laugh again.

“I like you, Hal,” she said. “You’re funny.”

He nodded solemnly. “Aye, it is my curse. Girls always say they like someone who makes them laugh, but my single status proves otherwise. Farewell, my dear. I hope to see you at the New Year’s Bash, too. Maybe, I can change your mind about Ben.” He gave her a wink and disappeared into the crowd, making his way to the front doors.

Ellie smiled as Jessica busied herself consolidating pie slices onto fewer plates to make room for new desserts.

“Hal’s cute, isn’t he?” she asked. “He’s no Ben, though.”

Jessica smiled. “A mother’s love…”

She let her voice trail off as she scanned the room for Ellie’s handsome son. Both he and the blonde were gone.

* * * *

“Why are we here, Ben?”

Lisa gave him a quizzical look that wasn’t at all romantic. Ben sighed and shook his head. He knew going to the ball had been a bad idea. Even the girl who’d pined for him for four years straight in high school, and who was currently single, had no interest in him.

“I don’t know,” he hedged. “It seemed like the right place to go?” The hills right outside town had always been a romantic spot for teenagers and lovers because of their exquisite views. The full moon glinting off the snow and silhouetting the stark trees was majestic. Ben wished he could show Jessica then remembered himself and who he was with. He turned his attention to Lisa.

Lisa’s gaze scanned over the landscape, and she refused to catch his eyes.

“That’s always been your problem, you know?” she said offhandedly, still not looking at him.

“What?”

“You make up these rules as to what seems to be the right thing to do. You never think for yourself.”

“That’s not true. I was supposed to become a farmer, and I very bravely set off to fail at business.” The statement was meant as a joke, but Ben couldn’t manage to put enough mirth into his tone to pull it off.

“Exactly! You didn’t do what you
wanted
to do. You decided you didn’t want to be a farmer in Sauk Centre, and you did what seemed to be the right thing to get out of here. But you never did it right.”

“No kidding.” He squirmed.

“Ben, if you’re ever going to date that redhead you stared at all night, you’re going to have to lose the poor-me act. It’s not attractive. Hell, even
I’m
not attracted to you right now. That makes this the first time in…” She counted on her fingers and ran out of them. “Twelve years,” she finished.

“How can I give up my feelings? You said so yourself, I’m not attractive anymore. I’ve got nothing to offer. I’m nothing but failure.”

“You’re not a failure, just a child. Let’s look at the facts, okay? You left town without a solid plan as fast as you could. Then you didn’t talk to any of us, including your parents—making this homecoming extremely awkward, I might add. You didn’t do that because you were an adult with a great business idea. An adult would have kept his old relationships and remembered his family while trying to spread his wings in the world. An adult would have had a bridge to wander onto if he needed help
before
it got to this point. You were a child running away.”

“Well, this is certainly building me up and making me feel not sorry for myself at all. Thanks, Lisa,” Ben quipped.

“Feeling sorry for yourself is a childish emotion, too. Get angry at yourself, Ben. Not the way you are, but in an adult way. Look at your life, at what you have done. Then
put it away.
You can only move forward. So do it, and do it right this time.”

“So why are you talking to me, if you’re not interested in me anymore?”

“Oh, I’m still interested in you. Just not tonight. I don’t like whiny babies.”

“Hey!”

“Okay, that was mostly a joke. Anyway, it would never work between us.”

Ben looked at her in surprise, noting the absolute seriousness in her wide blue eyes. She seemed completely sure. “Why not?”

“Two reasons,” she said. “One, you’re going to leave again.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Just because you didn’t do as well as you thought you would in New York doesn’t mean you want to be a farm boy in Minnesota. Eventually, you’ll get sick of punishing yourself and move on again. Just do it right this time. Remember, there are people here who love you deeply. Treat them well.”

He nodded, thinking over her words.

“And two,” she continued, “you’re obviously in love with your parents’ new helper. And I can’t say I blame you.”

“Who, Jessica?”

“Is that the redhead I mentioned earlier, in a comment you completely ignored?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Then, yes, Jessica.”

“I’m not in love with her,” Ben said, enunciating his words. “I don’t even know her.”

“You don’t have to know people to feel close to them,” Lisa replied. “Maybe love was a strong word, but whatever it was I saw going on between you two, well, I’m not stepping in the middle of it.”

“And what did you see?”

“That’s none of your damn business,” she said with a laugh. “Find it yourself. I’m done counseling for the night.”

She tousled his hair affectionately. “Now, can you take me home?”

Chapter Four

Lisa’s words stuck with Ben. He spent the next three days hard at work, doing repairs at the old farmhouse. He tightened the kitchen chairs that had grown wobbly from use, painted the doorframes that had chipped years ago when he’d haphazardly moved out his furniture, and reorganized the basement area that was full of the stuff he’d left laying around when he’d gone, but that his mother had never touched out of respect for him.

These chores were boring and small, but he considered them penance for his actions. He actually came to enjoy the process, looking back on the progress he made with pride. That had always been his problem, he decided. He wanted results immediately. He’d work hard for them, but if his projects took too long, he grew disillusioned and started on something else instead, dooming his first effort to failure as it languished, unloved.

He wiped the sweat from his brow as he crouched low under the sink in the kitchen. There was a small leak in the pipe there that Harold hadn’t gotten around to fixing. Ben went at the problem area with a wrench, shouting out the words to the old Metallica song he was blasting from the stereo. His hand touched a slimy spot, and he recoiled. He’d have to bleach this piece out. Straightening, he turned to grab a rag then stumbled back toward the counter when he saw Jessica standing right behind him.

“What ever happened to Christmas carols?” she asked with a smile. He turned down the sound, embarrassed. Her face flickered concern for a moment. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. You’ve been so busy, I’ve hardly seen you since the dance!”

“I have to make up for a lot of lost time,” he said, wiping his hands on his tattered jeans. “I left this place a mess when I moved, and I decided to make myself useful.”

“Good choice.” Jessica nodded, her fiery curls bobbing around her shoulders. She flashed her green eyes up at him. “I’ll be needing the kitchen soon, though. Ellie is getting packed to accompany Harold on a business trip for the next few days. Dinner’s my responsibility.”

“What are we having?” Ben asked, squatting back down under the sink. He didn’t want her to see him staring at her gorgeous figure displayed by the apron dress she wore.

“Pot roast,” she said. “Should be easy enough.”

“Can I help you?”

Jessica laughed. “Are you even the same person I met four days ago?”

“Hey!” He peered up at her. “I wasn’t that bad!”

She just laughed in reply, turning to leave. “Let me know when you’re done,” she said. “If you clean up, maybe I’ll let you slice the potatoes.”

The smell of bleach was overpowering as Ben finished up his task. He’d have to shower before he did anything with food. Plus, he didn’t want to be close to Jessica while smelling like moldy sink. He’d carefully avoided her these past few days, wanting to concentrate on himself before considering his blooming feelings for the quiet, helpful beauty who slept in his old room each night. He didn’t want his efforts to turn into a show-off for her. Not that cleaning under a sink was particularly glamorous, but Ben knew himself, and he could gloat over any small project. He wanted to stop that.

A thought poked through and shocked him. He wanted to be more like his father. Quiet, strong, hard-working. Ben hated to admit it, but he’d always sort of looked down on his dad, for working so much for so little return. Now, he realized the return was great—a healthy and happy household with enough money to get by, provided solely by the work of his father’s hands and the love of his mother. Such a simple and functional family unit was perhaps more of a prize than the glitz and glamour of lonely New York City nights.

“You done in there?” Jessica’s voice floated into the kitchen from the living room.

“Yup, just cleaning up,” he replied. “Save the potatoes for me. I’ve got to shower first.”

“Okay, you’ve got it,” she said as she made her way in, wrinkling her nose a bit. “Smelly in here.”

“I had to really bleach that cabinet,” he explained. “Turn on the fan. Should air out in a few minutes.”

“In that case, I think I’ll take a short walk,” Jessica said, moving to the corner where her snow boots lay. “I haven’t been out of the house all day. I’ll call you when it’s spud time.”

He allowed himself one lingering look at her perky behind, clad now in tight jeans, as she bent over to lace up her boots then whistling, he headed up to the bathroom. Maybe farm life wasn’t so bad after all.

* * * *

Jessica squinted into the setting sun just above the horizon and listened to the comforting crunch of her warm boots in the snow. The air was crisp, but not frigid, and her lungs relished the feel of it as she breathed in deeply. For the first time, she allowed herself to think about the days she’d spend alone with Ben as Ellie and Harold made their annual business/pleasure trip into Minneapolis. In the days after the Christmas ball, she hadn’t thought much of Ben at all, save for random wistful memories of that stolen kiss under the mistletoe. Now and then, when she’d been in the barn, she looked longingly at the bales of hay before shaking herself from her reverie. It had been made clear he was off the market. And even if he were single, Jessica couldn’t be sure he wasn’t more trouble than he was worth. He seemed detached and unhappy—two things she didn’t need in her life.

Still, something must have happened that night. He’d tackled household chores with renewed fervor, and pride had glinted in Ellie’s eyes as she, too, noticed the change. Jessica assumed it had to do with the blonde woman at the dance, and she gave credit where credit was due. If the woman could create that much drive in Ben, she must be a good match for him.