Finding Home (16 page)

Maybe when it hurt less, I would develop a sense of time. Until then, I was left alone with my tears.

* * *

I opened my eyes. Lily was sitting in my room.
Shit. I must have drunk more than I thought if I’m hallucinating.

‘Hi, Pretend Lily,’ I groaned. My head was so sore. I rolled over to check my phone. Yep, another ten missed calls from Dad, plus a few texts from him and Lou thrown in for good measure. It’d only been three days since my self-imposed bedroom exile, but it looked like they weren’t taking it well.

‘You smell bad,’ Pretend Lily said.

‘You’re a rude figment of my imagination,’ I said. I didn’t think I was depressed enough to have gone crazy, but here was the proof, in all of its Pretend Lily glory. I was officially hallucinating.

‘You’re an idiot,’ she said and threw a pretend pillow at my face. Only, a pillow really did hit me in the face, which meant that the Lily figment was probably real after all.

‘You’re real,’ I sighed and buried my face in the pillows, wondering why she was here. ‘Look, Lily, I’m sorry I gave you bad advice, but if Kyle won’t have you as a boyfriend, then he’s the jerk, not me.’

Lily waved her hand, brushing the issue aside. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about your stuff?’ She sounded angry but exhausted, her question punctuated with a long exhale at the end.

‘I didn’t say anything because it’s embarrassing,’ I replied, not really certain if I was talking about Dad or the thing with Luke. Either way, I knew it sounded lame. ‘Look, it’s difficult with my father. I went on the road with him, and then he dumped me here in this stupid town because he couldn’t handle paying me attention. He disowned me as a daughter, so I disowned him as a father.’

‘It had nothing to do with your drinking too much?’

‘Lou’s been onto you,’ I moaned, rolling my eyes. Why did everyone have to keep bringing up the alcohol? ‘That has nothing to do with anything.’

‘But do you?’

‘Do I what?’

‘Drink too much.’

The words hung between us. I looked around the room, hoping that not all the evidence of my recent binge was on display.

‘Not really.’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t think so.’ Lily remained silent.

‘I know that your mum died. I’m sorry,’ she said after what seemed like forever. ‘Mum told me.’

‘It’s fine. Whatever. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about either of them.’ How had she gotten into my room, anyway? I doubted that Lou would have let me have visitors, given my current rebellious condition.

As if reading my mind, I heard a knock at the door. ‘Lily, if you’d like to stay for tea, you’re more than welcome,’ Lou’s said.

Huh? So she knew that Lily was here?

‘Thanks, Lou,’ Lily called back. ‘I’ve got to head home though. I’ll just be a minute.’

We both sat in silence, listening as my aunt’s light footsteps disappeared down the hall.

‘Amy, I’m going to tell you this because, even though you kept a major secret from me, tried to hit on someone else’s boyfriend, and gave me some shithouse love advice, I’m still your friend.’ Lily looked me dead in the eyes. Her face was serious; no laughter, no smiles. ‘Snap the hell out of it.’

And with that she stood up and left, leaving the door open behind her.

Light shone into my room for the first time in days. I didn’t want to see it, but I let it come in, anyway.

* * *

When I opened my eyes again, it was sunny. My curtains were open, and someone had cleared the clutter from my room, even the empty bottles of booze. Lily’s words kept echoing in my head like a bad movie. My friend, a girl my age, who knew what being a teenager was like, had asked me if I drank too much.

‘Rise and shine, sweetheart,’ Lou said. She bustled into the room and placed a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice on my bedside table, with two painkillers beside it.

‘I’m driving you to school today. We’re leaving in an hour,’ she said, her words short and sharp. I thought about it. I really thought about it, long and hard. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to face the gossipers, or Coral and Luke, who still made a tiny part of me twinge. But could I hide forever? And what if Lily was right?

‘Okay,’ I said. I threw my legs over the side of my bed.

‘Okay?’ she asked, eyebrows raised in shock.

‘Okay,’ I repeated. I grabbed a towel from the end of my bed where she’d left it earlier, and walked to the bathroom for what I was sure would be one of the best showers I’d had in months. Maybe ever.

‘And wash your hair!’ Lou yelled out at me from the bedroom behind me. I grinned. It was time to snap the hell out of it.

I walked through the school gates with a heavy heart. Each step I took seemed to go
clunk
against the ground; my feet felt like dead weights.
It’ll be okay
, I told myself. It had been four whole days, almost a week, since my public shaming. By now the gossip about me would no doubt be stale. There was a chance no one would remember at all.

One foot forward, next foot forward.
Just get to class. You can do it!
I was my own personal cheer squad

‘And then you told me that you loved me,’ someone sang behind me while bubbles of laughter ensued. Apparently, last week’s gossip was getting some extra mileage. I tried to ignore it and kept moving. If I could just get to English and put my bag down, rest my head on the desk and act like the rest of the school wasn’t there, surely everything would be fine.

‘Amy! You’re back.’

I heard him before I saw him. Nick was standing to my left. Nick, who had caused me so much stress and sadness, who I’d yelled at on the beach. I’d been ready for school, but I really hadn’t been ready for Nick.

‘Yep,’ I said, tight-lipped.

‘Are you okay? With, you know, everything?’ His blue eyes bore into mine like he could see right through them and into my brain. His concern felt forced.

‘Don’t pretend you care.’ I pushed past him and made an effort to get lost in the sea of green-clad people heading for class.

‘Aren’t you going to let me explain?’ he yelled from somewhere behind me. I inhaled sharply and charged on. What could he say that would make a difference? I had no time for Nick anymore.

My lead feet pounded against the pavement faster now, gaining momentum. I was all but at a run, keen to get to class and eliminate the risk of running into anyone else, especially Coral or Luke.

I turned a corner. Closer now. Less than 100 metres to go. I felt like an athlete. The finish line was in sight.

Or it was…until someone stepped in front of it. Someone I wasn’t one hundred per cent sure about yet.

It was Lily.

‘So, you’ve decided to come back,’ she said. Despite her words the day before, she didn’t seem particularly over the moon to see me.

‘Yeah.’

‘Any booze in your backpack?’ Lily gestured to the bag hanging over my shoulders. I couldn’t tell if she was making a joke or not.

‘No.’ Some great conversationalist I’d turned out to be.

‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘well, I’ll be conducting spot checks on you all week, so don’t even think about it,’ and this time I detected the hint of a grin. I smiled back. It hurt my cheeks a little. Apparently my smiling muscles were a little out of practice.

‘Lily, I’m sorry.’ I studied her face, looking for acceptance or forgiveness, but her expression was blank. ‘I’m sorry that at a time when you could have used a solid friend I was drowning myself in vodka.’ I hadn’t planned on bringing up or even admitting my drinking to her. I didn’t know where the words came from, but they seemed right.

‘You know, I don’t care about Kyle,’ she eventually said. I looked up in surprise. ‘I mean, I do care about him, but it was you. You did the wrong thing with Luke and you wouldn’t admit it. And when you gave me that advice, and it was crap, it made me so mad that I’d listened to someone who clearly didn’t have a clue about how to have a relationship.’

‘Hey! My advice wasn’t that bad!’ I protested. ‘If Kyle was even halfway smart he would have snapped you up in a heartbeat.’

‘Well, the advice was mediocre, then,’ Lily said. I saw the beginnings of a smile play at the corners of her mouth. ‘But it kind of worked.’

‘What?’

‘Kyle called me last night,’ she said. ‘He apologised. Said he was weirded out by my asking him to be me boyfriend, and he freaked.’

‘What? So you’re…?’ I trailed off, grinning. It felt good.

‘He said of course he liked me and he’d been acting like a douche. Then he asked if I’d please be his one hundred per cent, official, proper girlfriend.’

I let out a little girly scream.

‘Sssh!’ Lily hissed, but I could tell she was only half-serious. ‘People will think your dad’s in town.’

I ignored the bad joke and jumped up and down. ‘This is so awesome!’ I exclaimed. ‘Turns out it was good advice then, yeah?’

‘You were still being an average friend, though,’ Lily said. ‘But I guess I can find it in my generous, selfless, loving heart to forgive you.’

‘The same heart you love Kyle with?’

‘Shut up! And who said anything about love?’

The bell rang, sending even more people in our direction. Lily pulled me closer to the wall so we wouldn’t be trampled by the stampede.

‘Lily, I’m sorry for not taking your advice, and then for gloating about it. I thought Luke was the one, you know?’ I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. It hurt to say it, but not as bad as I’d thought it would. Luke and I would never be together. When I thought about the grieving I’d done over the past week, his face barely came into view. It felt instead like I’d been grieving for Mum. And for losing Dad. And for me.

‘Well, you’re forgiven,’ Lily replied. ‘Just don’t do it again!’ I was relieved. It felt so good to have her back on my side again. I hadn’t realised how much I appreciated having a real friend until that moment.

‘Trust me, I won’t. And the Luke stuff? It didn’t work out.’ Clouds shadowed Lily’s face.

‘Why? What happened?’ she asked. I felt my heart open up to her again.

‘I was with him,’ I said. The words rushed out of my mouth like a steam train, fast and furious. It was nice to finally be able to share it with someone, to let someone know what I’d been through. ‘He said we had a connection, and he wasn’t happy with Coral. He said that he’d break up with her, and in the end, it’d be us.’ I bit my lip to stop the tears from spilling out again. God, I couldn’t remember crying so much before in my life.

‘What a jerk!’

‘I know, but Lily, it was me — I’m the idiot,’ I said. ‘I gave him everything.’ My eyes grew wide.
Everything. I should never have given him so much.

‘Oh, hon,’ Lily said, her hand on my arm. Without having to tell her, she knew. Maybe she’d suspected.

‘I didn’t know what was happening and I just…I really thought he was the one, you know?’

‘Amy, I hate to break it to you, but another girl’s boyfriend is never going to be the one. Even if that other girl is someone as awful as Coral.’

In that moment, I knew with certainty she was right. I leaned over and gave her a hug. It felt strange to be in someone’s arms like that. I hadn’t had this much physical affection since Mum had died, cheating loser males excluded.

‘We better go to class,’ Lily said, pulling away. ‘But you can have lunch with me and my boyfriend if you want!’

I laughed and punched her arm, resuming my walk towards the big brick building in front of me. My next class was Music. And, with two out of three of my least favourite people in school in the class, I didn’t see how this could go well.

* * *

‘Sorry I’m late,’ I muttered to Mr Davison as I rushed into the room. Every seat was taken except for the one I usually sat in. It was funny to think that a month ago I had longed for an open spot next to Luke, yet today I wished I was much further away from him.

When I pulled out my chair, I almost fell over in shock. There, on the red plastic seat, was a small box of chocolates. They were in a shiny silver casing, small enough to hold maybe six items of milky goodness. I couldn’t believe it. Did Luke think this was all it would take to make up for publicly humiliating me?

‘Amy, is there a problem?’ Mr Davison asked. I realised I was still standing.

‘No problem,’ I replied. ‘Some weirdo just left chocolates on my seat.’ I picked up the box and walked to the front of the room, tossing it in the bin. Even though I was a couple of metres away from my target, it went in with a solid
thunk
— all net. ‘But clearly I don’t want them.’

My bravado didn’t extend to looking over where Luke was sitting, but I hoped my words had hurt him even a small portion of the way he’d hurt me.

‘Right,’ Mr Davison said, shaking his head. ‘Well, final music performance is less than two weeks away, so it’s time to get into your groups.’

My heart sank. I’d been hoping that perhaps we’d be working on theory today, but instead it seemed this was, once again, a practical lesson. I slowly walked over to the practice room where we usually rehearsed, the last member of our group to arrive.

‘Hey, Amy.’ Ashley was the first to break the silence. I smiled and nodded my response, remaining mute.

‘What, no words?’ Luke asked. ‘I’d have thought the daughter of a pop star would be full of them. Or maybe if we sing to you, we might get a better response?’

Apparently, throwing his gift away had gotten a reaction.

‘Shut up, Luke,’ Nick said. His voice sounded tired, defeated. I sneaked a quick look at him. His dark brows were drawn, staring down at the instrument in front of him.

‘I was just kidding,’ Luke said. ‘Amy, we’re cool, right?’

I turned to face him. He sat next to me, one hand stretched up in the air like he was waiting for a high five, the jock mode of communication that signalled everything would be okay.

I finally managed to choke out some words resembling a sentence. ‘Let’s start the song.’ I felt, rather than saw, Luke’s gaze on me.

‘Okay, guys,’ Nick said, ‘let’s do it.’ He didn’t sound like he had his usual energy and enthusiasm either. I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was make it through this class and get to lunchtime, when I’d be outside hanging out with Lily. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask, right?