Finding Home (20 page)

But it was a mistake I would never make again.

‘Anyway, tonight I heard them discussing it. He’d planned it with them from the start. H-he pretty much told them to harass me like that,’ I stuttered out. ‘And I know it’s way too late to file a complaint, but I wanted to put it on file. I don’t want this to happen to anyone else — and if it does, I want my story to help you make a conviction, in case there’s any dispute.’

I couldn’t look at Nick’s face. I didn’t want to see what was written there. I knew I’d already disappointed him with my actions on so many levels. Having him know the truth would be just one more strike against me.

‘Can you give me the names of the boys?’ The officer asked. She grabbed her pen and notepad from where she’d left it on the counter a few moments ago. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I was gulping like a fish, trying to form sentences, something, anything coherent. Was I really about to do this? Was this seriously happening?

‘Luke Clayton, Ian Brown, Gavin McIlvich, Paul Heston, and Simon Clark.’ Nick’s voice was cool. I shut my eyes. I might have drawn the gun, but it felt nice to have a hand over mine as I pulled the trigger.

* * *

After the police left, I worked tirelessly for hours cleaning the house of clutter, scrubbing the flat surfaces where dozens of stains had appeared, and putting Paula’s bedsheets in the wash. Then I sprayed her mattress with a freshener I’d found under the kitchen sink and hung her quilt over the line to air.

When I came back in, Kyle was sitting on Paula’s bed. His dark hair was draped over his hands. A small overnight bag was open on the floor beside him.

‘I texted Lily,’ Kyle said in a small voice. ‘Looks like Paula’s going to be all right.’

‘Thank God,’ I breathed.

‘I’m just getting her some things, as they still need to do tests and — and they still don’t know about the baby,’

‘I’m sure Lily will appreciate you doing that,’ I said, moving to leave the room.

‘Amy?’ Kyle asked.

‘Yes?’

‘I’m sorry to ask, but I have no way of getting to the hospital. Do you happen to have any money for a cab?’ I was too tired to even think about the irony of the situation, that a guy who’d called me a groupie and teased me mercilessly for weeks needed my help. I threw a twenty on the bed near where he sat and left the room.

There was nothing left to say.

* * *

I walked home in the dark. I knew it was a little dangerous, being so late and all, but I didn’t care. I had no money for a taxi and it seemed like, after all the danger I’d seen tonight, walking home solo was the least of my worries. I was stone-cold sober.

The night was brisk, and the sky overcast. It suited my mood. I walked slowly through the streets, stopping only when my phone vibrated in my pocket.

Mum’s okay. Lost the baby. Thanks for everything.

I read the message over and over again. Paula had lost the baby. One stupid night and she’d lost her child, had lost Lily’s little sister or brother. The baby had died because she’d drank too much.

The reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks. When Mum had died, her death had made me want to drink more and more, to forget the pain and ease my suffering. I’d thought it’d been Dad’s fault, that his career had been the reason she’d had become so loose.

The death of Paula’s baby had made me confront the real reason why Mum had passed. Whether she’d started drinking before Dad had become famous or as a result of his actions was irrelevant.

Mum had died, leaving me here on this earth, alone, because of her own actions. Not Dad’s.

It made me think twice about drinking ever again.

‘Tell me everything,’ Lou said as we sat down to breakfast the next morning. I knew she would have heard something about the events of the previous night; small towns can get like that.

‘Lily’s mum got too drunk and passed out,’ I said. ‘I found her and called an ambulance, and now she’s okay.’ I reiterated the story with as little detail as possible, instead focusing on stirring my cereal around and around in my bowl.

‘She was pregnant,’ Lou said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. How she knew, I had no idea.

‘She lost the baby,’ I said. The circling became a whirlpool, as splashes of milk escaped over the sides.

I surprised myself by not crying. I’d thought I’d be a mess, a waterfall of tears, considering my new propensity to break them out at any occasion, but all the crying had left me kind of numb. I wanted to reassess everything in my life. Compared to a baby dying, and the realisation of what had happened with my mother, Luke, Coral, and all the other drama of the past month was nothing more than a blip on the radar. I was ready to move forward and do things differently.

‘So do you want to talk about it?’ Lou finally asked.

‘There’s nothing really to talk about,’ I said, shrugging.

My aunt just sat there for a few moments in silence, her face etched with concentration. ‘Amy, this must have been difficult for you.’ Her voice, when it came out, was quiet but firm. ‘Ever since you came here, you’ve done nothing but drink to solve the problems you have.’

‘I haven’t been that bad,’ I mumbled.

Lou spoke her next words carefully. ‘Alcoholism has a tendency to run in families.’

‘What do you mean?’ I dropped my spoon in shock.

‘Your mother was an alcoholic.’

‘No,’ I shook my head, but there was no conviction in my voice. I’d never thought of it like that, like it was a disease.

‘You don’t die from a cocktail of drugs and drink unless you have a serious problem,’ Lou explained gently. She reached across the table and touched my jaw, caressing it lightly. ‘I think it’s time you stopped blaming your father and started accepting the truth.’

‘I-I didn’t think you’d noticed,’ I said. Had my hatred for my dad been that obvious?

‘Not noticed?’ she asked in disbelief. ‘You spent one whole week drinking in your room to ease the pain after your dad was here for just one weekend! How could I not notice that? My only niece, my sister’s daughter, drinking herself away on repeat?’

‘Well, why didn’t you stop me?’

‘How? I took away your alcohol, and that’s all I could do. You wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to talk to you about it. You wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to talk about anything.’ She shook her head. ‘I knew you were hurting. I knew you missed your mum.’

‘So you let me think it was all his fault?’

‘What else could we do? Your father knew. He was the one who suggested I call Lily and ask her to help.’

Wow. Having a friend called in to help with your mistrust-of-your-family-resulting in-alcohol problem — it didn’t get much more embarrassing than that.

‘
Your father was devastated. He still is. I can’t believe you haven’t called him back yet.’ Lou shook her head. ‘You owe that man, owe him a lot. Back when you were on the road together, did you know if anyone had ever found out that you took the alcohol from his rider, he could have been arrested? Supplying alcohol to a minor is a major crime. And you certainly weren’t discreet about it.’

‘I-I would have made sure that no one ever found out,’ I said. I honestly hadn’t thought about it.

‘And how would you have done that, Amy? Stop being mad at him and accept some responsibility for your actions.’ Her voice was raised, and her worry lines were back.

‘But he took me on the road by myself.’ The words sounded small and childish, even to me.

‘What was he supposed to do?’ she asked. ‘He had to make a living — pay for your schooling, your clothes, your everything. Was he supposed to apply for another job at a burger joint?’

‘I missed my mum!’ I shouted. I needed Lou to stop. She should stop attacking me and go back to feeling sorry for me. I couldn’t do this anymore.

‘And so did he!’ Lou shouted back. The words echoed through the empty house. I was so, so tired. How had I gone from feeling like my life was back on track to this in a matter of minutes?

My bottom lip trembled. ‘I’m not a bad person.’

‘I’m not saying you are.’ Lou sighed. She ran her hands through her short hair, a gesture I’d seen Mum mirror many, many times before. ‘But you’ve been acting like one hell of a selfish one.’

The words stung. I hadn’t thought it was that big a deal. I hadn’t thought Lou would notice, that Dad would be upset that I hadn’t call him back. I was wrong. Wrong about that, wrong about Luke, Coral, Dad, Lou, and Nick. Was there anything in my life I’d gotten right?

‘You were very brave tonight,’ Lou said. ‘I didn’t mean to yell at you just now. I just want you to stop the crazy and to call your dad.’ She reached her hand out across the table to grab mine. Our fingers interlinked, two generations of the same family finally coming together. ‘And I know that this evening, your dad and your mum would have both been proud of you.’

And I smiled. Because I knew they would have, too.

‘Okay, group three,’ Mr Davison was saying, ‘we’re ready for your song.’ It was performance night, exactly one week to the day since the big party at Lily’s. We were in the school hall, which was empty except for the four adjudicators seated behind an ominous-looking table and a few parents scattered and seated in the darkness.

I flicked my eyes nervously across to Luke, Nick and Ashley. Nick gave me a kind of half-hearted smile, before picking up his guitar and fiddling with it. Although we were back on speaking terms, we hadn’t forged the close relationship I’d realised I’d kind of been hoping for. In so many ways, Nick would have been the perfect boyfriend. I just wish I hadn’t ruined that by being such an idiot.

Luke looked across at me and winked, which I promptly ignored. He was still being as sleazy as ever, but I’d gotten to a place where I was able to ignore it. Coral had left him, and now he was free to play the field — and I was so thankful that he wouldn’t be playing me any longer.

One of the judges coughed. I swallowed. It was time.

Nick started strumming his guitar in that beautiful way of his. His hands were delicate and precise, plucking out each note so that it pushed exactly the right emotional buttons. Ashley and Luke followed suit, two driving forces filling out the sound. The only thing missing was me.

I launched. I flew. I sang above the roar of the other instruments, leading the melody. I focused, projected, sung on pitch and meant it. Our song was only three minutes long, but it felt like it went on and on and on, the four of us finally performing in harmony together.

When it came to an end, silence filled the room. We looked at each other, eyes wide with adrenalin. I’d expected clapping after the song finished, but instead all we heard was the scratch of pens and the crunch of paper as the examiners and Mr Davison scribbled down their notes. None of the parents made a sound, just like they’d been instructed earlier.

‘Thank you, group three,’ Mr Davison finally said. ‘Please go out to the corridor and tell group four to stand-by.’ The boys put down their guitars, and we all filed out. Once in the hallway we looked at each other, an awkward silence settling over the group.

Ashley broke the silence. ‘Well, thanks guys. I think — or hope, anyway — that we did well!’ He was acting as if he was the one in charge.

‘Thanks for letting me into your group so late in the year. I hope I didn’t ruin anything,’ I added. I tried to catch Nick’s gaze to see if he caught my double meaning, but his eyes were on the floor. He looked so vulnerable in that moment that I just wanted to step into his arms and comfort him.

‘Are you kidding? You were great!’ Luke exclaimed, breaking my chain of thought as he threw an arm over my shoulder. I took my hand and removed his arm without a second thought. Would he never quit?

I turned to walk away, thankful to finally be done with the group that had caused so much drama in my life.

‘Amy!’

I looked up, shocked. I hadn’t expected Dad to be there. I had no idea he even knew about the end of year performance.

He must have jogged all the way from the door at the back of the auditorium, judging by the way his arms were swinging as he approached.

‘Hi,’ I managed to spit out. I stepped closer to him, away from the rest of my classmates. Thankfully, they were quiet. Not even Luke had dared start teasing me again. Instead, they stood there like a bunch of starstruck teenagers.
If only they’d reacted this way when they’d first found out
.

‘You did really well,’ Dad said. He gave a smile, one corner of his mouth lifting. ‘I thought you hated music. I never thought you’d want to sing.’

‘H-how did you know I’d be here?’

‘Lou told me it was your end of year performance,’ he said. He ran his hand through his hair, his signature stressed-out move. ‘I wanted to come. I hope that’s okay.’

‘It’s fine,’ I replied. I cursed myself internally. There was so much I wanted to say, but no words were coming out. I needed to apologise, to ask him questions; instead, I was struck dumb, completely mute.

‘Well, anyway, I have to go. I’m supposed to be at the airport in about twenty minutes,’ he said, glancing at his watch. ‘But I wanted to let you know that you did really well. I’m so proud of you, Amy.’

I didn’t move. He was proud of me. I thought back to the last time I’d been proud of him.

What had I done? I needed to apologise, to try and make things right.

‘Bye,’ he said, giving a casual wave and jogging down the corridor. I saw Joe standing there at the end of the hallway, waiting for him. He nodded at me, and I dipped my head in return. I was numb. Why hadn’t the words I needed to speak, that he needed to hear, come out?

I turned and started walking towards the quad, where I knew Lily was waiting for me. I had some serious thinking to do.

‘Amy.’ Nick’s voice made me stop in my tracks. I hadn’t thought that anyone else was still here.

Nick watched me as leaned against the wall of the red brick building. His face was neutral — no smile, but no apparent anger, either.

‘Yeah?’ I asked, hopefully.

‘
You were really good.’