Finding Hope (9 page)

Mika quickly finished off the icy cool hard cider saying, “Whatever you think is best. We just want to remember the reason for the picnic is to thank the people of town. The focus should be on them. I just think it would be best to be low key about the whole thing.” Hope watched as her husband grab another alcoholic drink from the ice box.

“Do you think people don’t want to hear me sing?” Hope asked struggling to understand.

“No, that’s not it. It’s just that you’re so amazing
, it kind of takes the attention off the event. You become the center of everyone’s focus. I guess it makes me a little uncomfortable, but you enjoy it so much I don’t want to stop you,” Mika replied trying to dance around the topic.

“Well honey, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t have to play at all if you think that’s best,” Hope
answered surprised at the offer she was proposing.

“All I know is that I love to hear you play. As long as you play for me, that’s all that matters,” Mika said with a huge loving grin on his face.

“Well, I can tell Mr. Begich that I can’t play this time, and whenever you want me to play for you, just let me know,” Hope offered her wonderful and amazing husband.

Mika never did ask H
ope to play for him as the guitar sat dusty and out of tune deep in the closet from that day on.

“Good morn
ing Joy. How’s my favorite girl?” Hope said as she sat down to sort through the stack of orders.

“Hey Hope, we’ve been super busy today. Is it
OK if I take a quick break now that you’re here?” Joy asked eager to step away from the counter. “I want to go down and see Alec. He said he bought me something, and I’m dying to see what it is.”

“No problem, but try to be back in thirty minutes if you can. I need to run down to the train station this morning. I’m
waiting on the material for my new line of jackets, and it should be here before noon,” Hope said smiling at her best friend.

“Thanks Hope, I’ll be back in before you know it,” Joy promised as she ran out the door.

A couple weeks back, Joy started seeing a local boy named Alec. Alec was the son of the City Administrator. Mr. Begich had arranged the meeting after a discussion with the boy’s father several weeks ago. Joy and Alec hit it off. About the same age, they had many things in common. He was polite and kind and really enjoyed being with Joy. Joy liked him too, but she didn’t feel the same connection. Like any young girl, she really liked the attention from Alec and enjoyed the times they spent together.

While Joy was
away on break, Hope dove into working the remaining material she had. Sewing always took her away to a distant place where she was alone. She thought back to a time when everything was much simpler. Times when she and Thomas would travel the country like royalty going to far away, exotic places. She thought of Julian and the times she spent breast feeding the tiny child. She thought about the future and dreams she had for him full of opportunity and joy. She thought of his smile, his smell, and the way he called her Mommy. She thought of her dad and the sadness she felt when he left this world. And her mom who she knew she’d never see again. She hated herself for how she had treated her mother. Being a teenager at the time, she never felt like it was her fault, but she hated herself none the less for what had happened. And the boy, she’ll never forget the little baby boy back in Ocean City blemished by the mistakes she won’t forgive herself for.

The front door crashed loudly as Joy rushed in full of young affection. “Hope! Look at this. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful,” Joy said clutching the sparkling necklace around her neck. “Real rubies! Can you believe it?” Nestled in the curves of Joy’s feminine neck laid a thin silver chain with several small colorful stones.

“It’s gorgeous Joy! Did Alec give you that?” Hope asked wondering where the young boy had gotten jewelry.

“He did. He’s so sweet. I’ve never had real rubies before,” Joy exclaimed admiring the sparkles of fire in the morning sunlight. “I feel kind of bad though. I don’t know if I feel that way about him.”

Hope could see in Joy’s young eyes the struggle she had felt before. It was if events were moving her in a direction where she didn’t want to go.

“Do you not like him Joy? He seems like such a sweet boy,” Hope said as she closed the front door that was still open.

“I do and I don’t, I think. It’s hard to tell. He’s nice, and I think he’s cute, but he can be bossy sometimes. I just want to be free, and he wants to spend all his time with me. Mr. Begich sure seems to like him. He’s always telling me how perfect Alec is for me and how boys like him are pretty rare. I’ve heard him even talking to Alec’s dad about marriage,” Joy said feeling kind of guilty. “I don’t care right now, look at this beautiful necklace.”

Hope smiled knowing the dilemma Joy was experiencing.

As the days passed, Hope began to settle back into her life. Autumn had arrived and the town was well fed from the record harvest and the money flowing into New Providence. One evening, when Hope returned after a long day of work, she found Mika sitting in their living room asleep.

“Hey Mika, I got some more of that apple bread you like so much,” Hope said as she cleared the empty cider bottles from their kitchen table.

“Hello my beautiful bride, where’ve you been all day?” Mika said stumbling a bit while trying to sit down at the table.

“You know I had to work today. I see you entertained yourself with cider while I was gone,” Hope said smiling as she cracked an alcoholic beverage for herself.

“I only had one or two… maybe three,” Mika said with a heavy slur in his voice. “I’ve just been waiting for you, my girl.”

Mika stood and walked over to his wife and kissed her on the neck. Feeling filthy from a long day at work, Hope kissed him back. He began to slide his hands up along her hips and under her shirt rubbing her tight and firm belly.

“I’m sorry honey. I’m just not in the mood right now. Maybe later,” Hope said as she walked away to put the items in the ice box.

Mika followed and continued to kiss her neck. “You’re so beautiful. You get me going just the way you are,” Mika pleaded as he slid his hands under her shirt and up to her bra. Kissing her ear, he gently rubbed Hope’s nipples catching her off guard and making her pull away.

“Honey, I love you so much, but right now I feel gross. Let me take a quick shower. I’ll be right back,” Hope said annoyed at his persistence.

“But you’re my wife
and so sexy I can’t help myself. Come here girl,” Mika replied not letting the issue drop. “I’ve had a long day too.”

Hope put away the remaining food and walked out of the kitchen. “No really. I’ll be right back,” Hope said while Mika continued to follow.

“Hope, I’m your husband. Come on don’t tease,” Mika said as he grabbed Hope’s fragile arm. “I just want to lie down with you.”

Hope’s annoyance turned to concern as Mika again started kissing her neck. He took her hand as slid it down upon the erection that had formed in his pants. “Mika, I’m not in the mood,” Hope pleaded.

Mika then spun Hope around and forcefully removed her shirt exposing her bra and naked skin. Pulling Hope to the couch he started to rub her breasts, pushing her bra aside.

“Mika no! Not now!” Hope cried out as the savage man snarled in ecstasy. Hope stood up throwing Mika off balance sending him to the floor with a thud.

“Hope, you’re my wife,” Mika shouted as he tried to grab her arm but ended up with a section of her hair. He pulled her hard as she screamed in pain.

“Ouch…
Mika! That hurts!”

Mika remained focused on Hope, enveloped by desire.
Hope reached up and slapped Mika right in the face hoping the attack would end. Mika eyes darkened as his face deformed in anger.

“Hope
, shut up!” Mika screamed as he struck her on the side of her head. He pealed her pants down and ripped off her underwear. “I’m your husband. I’m not some stranger Hope!” Mika yelled as he roughly pushed himself inside her. Hope’s body collapsed on the couch unable or unwilling to fight as Mika violated their marriage.

The following weeks blurred for Hope, filled with apologies and justifications. She felt like she was lost in a dream. Hope couldn’t forget the power Mika asserted as he demanded her body. Her love for Mika disappeared. Having nowhere else to go, Hope continued to go through the motions of normal life, her spirit broken. She focused on work and the business she’d built knowing the people of
the town needed her. She had agreed to make a dress for Joy, and that become her single obsession. With so much ugliness in her life, she was determined to make the most perfect wedding gown for Joy’s big day.

“Don’t worry so much Joy. I
t’ll be ready,” Hope said trying to assure the young girl.

“I know it will. I just want everything to be perfect. I’ve been dreaming about this forever,” Joy said with a clinched stressful jaw. “Nothing else is the way I thought it would be…
but the dress, the dress I can control, and it has to be perfect.”

Hope quietly hemmed the luxurious fabric, expertly hiding her stitches, focused deeply on
the perfection of her work. Suddenly, Hope was aware that Joy was softly weeping.

“This is all wrong.
I don’t even love him. I keep telling people that, but they push me anyway,” Joy said. “Why don’t I have a choice?”

Hope stood to her feet and looked into Joy’s eyes. “Sweetie, why are you marrying Alec then?” Hope said ignorant
of the situation.

“Mr.
Begich told me it was all taken care of and that someday I will love him. The town sets these things up sometimes. It’s their tradition – part of the Law,” Joy explained with panic and fear in her eyes. “But I don’t love him.”

Hope understood the town Law and knew tha
t some marriages are arranged, but to actually see it now broke her heart. She felt terrible and knew she couldn’t leave her best friend in her time of need.

“What can we do?” Hope asked knowing there was no way to fight the Law.

“There’s nothing to do. I just don’t love him,” Joy said feeling defeated.

“There is something. You could run,” Hope said in a panicked and hushed voice. “Run far from here.”

Joy looked at Hope as if she had lost her mind. “Where am I going to go? You’re the only family I have,” Joy said drying her eyes. “I don’t even have money.”

“Gather up your things and meet me at the tracks at eleven o’clock tomorrow morning. You can catch the morning train out,” Hope whispered believing her plan was the best thing for her young friend. “Just meet me at eleven.”

Eleven o’clock came and went as Hope stood in the busy train station. She knew that at eleven fifteen the last train to St. Louis leaves the station for the day. Standing alone, she studied the people of New Providence living their lives as they ignored the dangers of the society they had built. Then a small tap on Hope’s shoulder electrified her spine making her jump.

“You came!” Hope said as she shuffled Joy off to the side of the station
’s lobby.

“I’m here, but I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Joy said holding her small bag. “I can’t just run away.”

“Joy, I’ve never been as sure about anything else in my life. You’ve got to get out of here. You’re so young with so much life ahead of you. I don’t want you to fall into something you don’t want. Each of us needs to find happiness. Without that… I can’t see many reasons to go on day after day,” Hope urged as she gave the fresh ticket to Joy. “Here, this will take you to St. Louis. From there, you decide where you’re going next. Take this too. It should help you for a while.” Hope handed Joy a sack filled with silver coins as she hugged the young girl. “This is all I have, but it should be enough to get you pretty far,” Hope said with tears in her eyes.

Joy reluctantly climbed the iron stairs into the rusted passenger tra
in. She looked back for a moment finding the strength to wave good-bye to Hope. As the train whistled ready to embark, Hope looked at her best friend through the small train car window hoping somehow they would meet again.

Chapter 7

Transitions

The steel wheels clattered across the rusted track as the rotten wood ties shook, supporting the exhausted train. Joy sat motionless in her seat looking out the window while images of the once great country flashed by in atrophy. She thought back on her time in New Providence and the moments of joy and laughter she’d enjoyed. She also thought of Hope and the stories she told of her childhood back in Ocean City, Maryland. Hope would go on and on painting such beautiful images of life as she told her stories. She then thought of Alec. Although she didn’t love him, they had spent so much time together and she felt terrible for what she had done. Joy shrunk in her seat as tears formed in her young eyes. She was alone and scared, wondering what the future had in store.

With a hiss, the train stopped in St. Louis. The nine hour trip left Joy feeling tired and hungry. She stepped onto the platform not knowing if she had the strength to move on.
The station was strangely busy with travelers from all walks of life. Joy studied each person as they prepared for their journey into the unknown. Even though the station was busy, it was eerily quiet aside from the hundreds of footsteps back and forth. She could see the focus among the passengers as they determined their destinations.

As Joy made her way through the congested stairways, she saw two women near the exit of the train station. One of them was in her early thirties while the other was closer to forty-five years old. Both were sitting, playing music, panhandling for spare change. Joy noticed how beautiful the older woman was despite the fact she looked fifthly and in need of a bath. Her clear blue eyes looked kind and gentle, but the lines on her face told stories of struggle and disappointment. Joy walked by giving a guilty grin and two small silver coins as she passed.

“So where should I start,” Joy thought to herself. “I need a plan. And I guess that plan begins with food.”

Ri
ght outside the station Joy found a diner still open and serving food. She was ready to walk by, but a giant neon sign flashing “HOT FOOD” pulled her through the front doors. As she sat down she realized just how hungry she was. The diner looked like a throwback to the early sixties. An old, broken jukebox sat in the corner of the restaurant like a relic from happier days. There were several other customers sitting at chipped formica tables as they quietly ate their meals. The smell of exotic spices and meat filled the small diner as Joy’s mouth began to water.

“Is that c
hili I smell,” Joy asked the waitress behind the counter.

“Sure is
, hon. Fresh from the can this morning,” the waitress said with a bleak smile. “We’ve also got some actual franks-n-beans if ‘ur interested.”

Realizing the sarcasm in the waitress’ comment, Joy quietly said, “I guess I’ll just take a glass of water right now. Do you have a menu?”

The waitress grabbed a glass of cool water and walked back over to Joy. “I’m sorry dear. I didn’t mean to come off so rough. We don’t have menus here. What you see on the board is what we got,” she said smiling kindly at Joy. “My name is Marge. When you’re ready just flag me down.”

Joy ordered several things from the limited menu and ate till she had her fill.

“Boy, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone take to hash from a can like that! You must’ve been starving girl. Look at you! You can’t be more that a buck twenty. Where’d ya put it all?” Marge exclaimed with a heavy southern accent. “Did you save room for pie?”

Joy, feeling embarrassed by the attention, smiled and finished her glass of cool water. When she had finished the last scraps of the delicious processed food from her old cracked plate, Joy signaled to Marge that she was ready for the check.

“Hey Marge, tell me a bit about St. Louis. How are things here? I just got off the train, and I’m looking for work. I’m thinking about staying at the hotel across the street, but work is what I really need. You guys hiring?” Joy asked trying to get a feel for her new home.

“Well dear, you here alone?” Marge replied trying to remain aloof. “If you are, I’d sure be careful. There’s some bad stuff out there. Jobs are hard to come by
, and there’s lots of strugglin’ people out and about. If you’re passing through that’s one thing, but I can’t imagine stayin’ – lots of scum wrecking it for us honest folks. Downtown’s fine, but out past the river… out there, I’d avoid that area like the plague.”

Joy could tell that Marge was trying to downplay the dire state of affairs despite her casual response. “What about the suburbs west of here?” Joy asked digging for more information.

“Like I said, downtown’s fine, and you can find a place to stay, but finding work? That’s another thing,” Marge replied to the fragile, innocent girl.

As Joy stood at the register
counting out a few small coins to pay her bill, she noticed a foul smelling man sitting at the counter only a few feet away. It wasn’t his blight that caught her attention but his actions that made her take notice. As he sat nursing a cold cup of coffee, he was mumbling and typing on a mobile device. She recognized the movements like some sort of lost language. He was tapping all across the miniature screen. Sliding his fingers and dictating his voice, he appeared to be using a network enabled cell phone. Joy’s soul leaped within her small body amazed at the awesome sight.

“They hav
e coverage here in St. Louis,” she thought to herself. Unable to focus on anything else, she leaned in to get a better view. To her despair, the screen remained black as the delusional man worked his obsolete and non-functional device. Her heart was shattered from the disappointment. After receiving her change, Joy turned to leave the small diner.

“Let me give you some advice dear. If I was you
, I’d get back on the train and never look back,” Marge said with conviction. “This city has nothing to offer a girl like you.”

Joy left the d
iner and took the advice of her new friend. She walked back into the station and sat down to find direction. After several unsuccessful hours of brainstorming, Joy couldn’t figure out what to do next. She got up to go pee. She knew she had to come up with a plan but had no idea where to begin. As she walked along the now empty halls, she saw her fate hanging in the window of the St. Louis Travel Center. The poster beckoned her like an old, lost friend. In big yellow letters, superimposed over white wispy surf and soft salty sand, it read, “Beautiful Ocean City – Book Your Getaway Now.”

Meanwhile, back in New Providence, the people who knew Joy noticed her disappearance immediately. Alec had planned on meeting her that very afternoon
, and when she didn’t show up, he became concerned. He went to the mercantile hoping to find her there. The only person he found was Mr. Begich.

“G
ood afternoon, Steve. Is Joy working today?” Alec asked acting as casual as possible.

Mr.
Begich stood up from his paperwork greeting Alec warmly. “Alec my boy! How’s life in the fast lane?” Mr. Begich asked not really hearing the question from Alec. “You’re looking good, son.”

“Thanks
, Steve. Say have you seen Joy today? I was supposed to meet her for lunch, but she never showed up,” Alec replied feeling uncomfortable checking on Joy.

“No, haven’t seen her. I thought she must have taken the day off
, and it slipped my mind. I was expecting her to open the store this morning,” Mr. Begich replied as the smile faded from his face.

“Can I talk to Hope?” Alec asked knowing Joy’s best friend would know where she was.

“Actually, she took the day off today. I’m not expecting her back at work until tomorrow afternoon,” replied Mr. Begich. Both men looked at each other, unsure how to interpret the information.

News spread around the tight knit community that one of their own was missing. Fearful, Mika hurried home to check on his wife. “Hope…
honey, are you home?” Mika shouted.

From one of the back bedrooms
, she emerged sullen and quiet. “I’m here,” Hope said softly.

Mika could tell by Hope’s body language that she was still angry about
what had happened. He had apologized so many times and didn’t know what else to do. What he had done was an awful thing, and he knew it, but according to the Law, he had these rights as the man of the house. He struggled to reconcile his feelings of shame and what was allowed under the Law.

“Hey
hon, have you seen Joy today? She didn’t make it into work and nobody knows where she is,” Mika asked.

Hope replied in a disconnected tone, “No, haven’t seen her.”

Hope was growing to hate Mika. With each passing day, Hope grew angrier at her husband. As far as she was concerned, Mika had raped her regardless what the Law said. She was trapped with nowhere to go and nobody to love. Hope was again alone.

It took almost two full days for Joy to travel across country. Along the way
, Joy watched the landscape pass in front of her eyes. Many cities stood strong, the people alive with courage and conviction, working together to rebuild. Others sat abandoned and forgotten. These cities were hollow and scarred, just a reminder to the failure of modern man. Millions of automobiles speckled the landscape the entire journey, like monuments of better times. Most of them burned and scavenged for parts, were now skeletons waiting to be reclaimed by the earth.

When Joy finally reached her destination, she knew she was home. Stepping out of the train station, the warm sunlight greeted her with a kiss. Her face tightened in the midday air which was rich and dense from the smell of the sea. Holding her small suitcase in hand
, she walked directly east until she reached the ocean. She fell to her knees grabbing the sand with both hands. As she looked out to the horizon, she felt the planet smile back at her in delight.

Hope continued on despite the events that shook her to the core. She felt like a zombie, living day after day in a fog. With no one to confide in, she kept the dark secrets hidden. Over the next several weeks, her job began to suffer
as her quality fell. No longer smiling, people avoided her completely. The bright and pleasant Hope had been replaced by the stranger she’d become. She was drinking now, trying to forget. She tried to erase what Mika had done, Thomas and Julian, and the pain that she had felt when young. Clouds rolled into New Providence darkening her life.

“I’m sorry I’m late Steve,” Hope said to Mr.
Begich. “I over slept.”

“Seems like I need to get you another alarm clock,” Mr.
Begich replied trying to appear understanding. “Did you have a chance to complete those two orders last night? They need to go out today.”

Hope fidgeted uncomfortably as she replied, “I got
most of the seams stitched but still need to complete the lining. I’ve been so busy lately. I’ll have them ready to go by tomorrow.”

Mr.
Begich was clearly annoyed with the situation. “Hope, you knew those had to get done. East Field said they were going to cancel the order unless they shipped today,” Mr. Begich said forcefully. “What are we going to do now? That was custom work. We’re going to lose the business, and the material can’t be re-used. What is going on with you Hope?”

“I’m sorry Steve. I haven’t been myself. It’s just that…,” Hope said as she was interrupted by Mr.
Begich.

“That’s what you were saying last week. There’s always some reason. I’m getting tired of cleaning up after you and sick of the excuses,” he said angrily. “Pull it together or I’m going to have to find somebody else. Take the day off! Just go.”

Hope left the mercantile in shame. She knew her job had been slipping for some time, but she’d never seen Mr. Begich so upset. She was distraught and needed a drink. She slowly walked along the gravel road out of town as the fresh snow spun around her feet. It was late October, and Hope felt the cold air on her face as it drove deep into her soul. As she reached the property line of her broken home, she noticed the late afternoon sun hanging in the sky. It was pale and distant like a promise not kept, providing no warmth to her empty body. She felt like falling down and disappearing into the frozen brown leaves. Reaching her house, Hope gathered up something to drink and a warm blanket to sit by the fireplace. She quickly fell asleep.

Sometime late in the evening
, Hope was awoken by Mika. “Hey honey, I went out with the guys after work. It was a last minute thing. I hope you weren’t waiting up for me,” Mika said trying to be sweet and gentle.

Hope could smell the alcohol on his breath even though she was quite drunk as well. “That’s fine. I wasn’t waiting. I’m just tired
, and I’m going to bed,” Hope replied trying to remain cordial to the man who had done her so wrong.

“Hey wait a minute. I’ve missed you. You know that I love you, right? How lon
g ya gonna keep pushing me away?” Mika asked while trying to put his hand on her shoulder. “We are married you know.”

Hope continued to walk to the back bedroom without saying a word. Mika became angry as he slurred, “This is ridiculous! At some point you need to get over this. It’s been weeks since that happened. I said I’m sorry. According to the Law, I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Hope turned and looked at the man towering over her shaking with anger. “I’m the man of the house, and you’re my wife. We do as I say we do,” Mika spat out. “I could take you right now if I wish, that’s the Law. The reason I don’t is because I love you so much.”