Finding Hope (4 page)

“I LOVE YOU JULIAN! IT’S OK! MOMMY’S HERE!” Hope wailed into the horrible night. Hope remained focused on his young eyes as the terror slowly faded into a vacant, empty stare. She felt his life slip though her fingers like sand returning to the cold earth.

Hope sat broken, her young child’s body in her lap. She carefully shut Julian’s eyes as tears streamed down her face. The familiar waves of loss envelop
ed Hope completely. Missy stood dumfounded at what she’d just seen. Although she wasn’t to blame, she couldn’t help but feel responsible. She slowly moved to Hope’s side and knelt beside her.

“I’m so sorry Hope. I love you and Julian so much. I should have done something. I’m sorry,” Missy sobbed
expressing her broken heart. “I’ll always be here for you if you ever need anything.”

Missy walked to the door understanding the true impact of events. As she turned and looked at Hope and Julian one last time, a small part of her died. Hope never saw Missy again.

Time froze as Hope sat with her son. Images of his first steps played across her mind as she wept. She played out the quiet times she spent with her boy. Thinking back, Hope remembered that day when sunlight poured in through the front window. Julian was three years old and full of smiles. On this day, Hope was struggling to find meaning. Food was difficult to come by and the cupboards were often bare. It had been seven days since they had soap, so their physical deterioration was adding to Hope’s emotional stress. Her life lacked purpose during this dark time in her memory.

Hope knew she needed to give Julian a bath
, so she borrowed a bar of soap from Helen and Cal. The town’s water supply had just run out so the plumbing had stopped functioning. Water was still available, but only from the hand pumps in the town park six blocks away. Thomas was gone looking for food with a small group from town. Hope had to haul the two five-gallon bucket the six blocks all by herself. This was a difficult chore for her small frame, but Hope pushed forward knowing what needed to be done.

Sloshing and splashing all the way home, Hope lugged the two pa
ils nearly to the top of the stairs when she slipped on some of the spilling water. Hope lost her balance and fell to her knees as the buckets tumbled down the stairs. Out of sheer frustration, Hope broke down. As she sat there in self-pity, she felt a small hand patting her back.

“It… ok
… Mommy,” Julian said with his new vocabulary of thirty words. “We… get more, me and you.”

As Hope turned to see her baby boy’s innocent smile and hopeful eyes, she knew she had to find the strength to push on for him.

Suddenly Thomas crashed through the front door as Hope sat in pain. “I couldn’t find anyone! Nobody’s around! Everyone is still at the social!” Thomas shouted as tears of sweat bled from his forehead and streamed down his frightened face. “Let’s take Julian to the hospital in New Providence! The one Faith was talking about. They’ll know what to do.”

As Thomas caught his breath, he began to realize what had happened. Hope was stretched out with her head against the wall with Julian lying across her chest. She was stroking his hair as she cried.

Thomas felt a knot form in his throat as sorrow swept through his soul creating a void where memories of Julian once played. He crumbled into a mound of sadness on the floor of his home. “Hope, no… Julian’s sleeping OK… right? Tell me he’s sleeping… He’s not… I mean, he didn’t… Hope, please no!” Thomas stuttered.

Hope continued to l
ay beneath her son’s body without saying a word.

“He can’t be!” Thomas groaned. “It’s not fair! HE’S SLEEPING
, RIGHT? HOPE! TELL ME HE’S SLEEPING.”

Hope remained quiet as she spent her last moments with her son. “I don’t believe it! I won’t belie…
Did we check his pulse?” Thomas exclaimed crawling to his wife and boy. “Let me check his pulse.”

As Thomas tenderly put his fingers on his son’s neck to look for life, he realized Julian was gone. His face contracted as small muscles along the skull and jawbone
flexed in agony. He then took his hand and slid it along Julian’s chest to the place just above the heart to remove any remaining doubt from his mind. Hope and Thomas sat together on the floor and cried into the iniquitous night.

The sun rose and set on the tiny town as people tried to recover from the loss of one of their own. Hope continued to struggle deeply. She wore the unbearable weight of the loss like a burden on her shoulders. Every waking moment was spent with Julian on her mind. She cradled his memory like she once did when he was in her arms. She knew all she had left were the memories of her son
, and over time the weight of the pain would become bearable. She held his memory close and tucked him in her pocket like another small stone. Hope knew she’d carry these memories the rest of her life.

Thomas struggled as well, but without the strength to find perspective. He withdrew, haunted by his failure as a father. He wanted to forget, but the memories were scratched into his soul. Thomas was lost.

The summer moon slid slowly behind clouds filled with sadness as it began to rain softly. Thomas and Gabe sat in the small apartment with candles lighting their surroundings while Hope and Faith were fast asleep on the couch. Silence filled the room like a dense fog choking out all conversation.

“Tommy, you have to talk to someone,” Gabe said trying to look into his eyes. “We all love you, but you need to talk.”

It had been three weeks since Julian had passed, and Thomas had completely shut down, deeply shattered. Gabe and Faith had decided to stay with their dear friends to help them in their time of need.

“Hope needs you man. She’s falling apart.” Gabe added as he slid his chair closer to Thomas.

“I know, but I can’t,” Thomas said in a flat and emotionless tone. “I just want to be alone.”

“But Tom, you don’t have to be alone. We’re here for you g
uys. You just have to let us in,” Gabe explained as he grabbed Thomas’s arm. “I can only imagine what you guys are going through, but you can’t forget that you have friends who love you.”

“I know you want to help, and you’re like a brother to me, but you’ll never understand,” Thomas said as he
pulled his arm from Gabe. “My life ended that horrible night. I just want to be alone. I’m going to bed.”

Thomas stood up and quietly walked to the back room. “Tommy wait, we n
eed to talk,” Gabe continued waving his lifelong friend back to the table.

“I can’t Gabe. M
aybe tomorrow I’ll feel a little better. We’ll talk then,” Thomas promised as he disappeared into the dark.

Gabe sat back in his
chair and nodded at Thomas, “OK, tomorrow we’ll talk.”

The crisp morning air settled in around the town as the
songbirds sang their perfectly tuned hymns. Warmth and life filled the apartment windows as Hope opened her eyes. “I miss Julian,” she thought to herself as if by instinct.

Noticing that Hope had woken up, Faith smil
ed and said, “Good morning girl. Looks like another sunny day.” Faith rolled over and nudged Gabe who was sleeping on the floor. “Gabe, it’s beautiful out… let’s go for a walk,” Faith said playfully poking Gabe’s sleepy head. “I’m really hungry. Let’s go down to the market.”

“Okay, okay…
we’ll go, but only so Tommy and Hope can have time to themselves,” Gabe said half yawning.

When Gabe and Faith closed the front door, Hope sat up feeling the sun on her back. The memory of Julian was ever present in her mind, but today it was somehow less smothering.

Hope stood, and walked into the kitchen to get more water. She quietly sipped the clear, fresh liquid they’d hauled up the stairs to the apartment just a day prior. Hope drank the room temperature liquid, noticing a pile scattered paperwork and clothing left on the table. She casually walked by the mess back into the single bedroom. Hope opened the door to the back room, but Thomas wasn’t there. “Hmm, he must have gotten up to get some breakfast,” she mumbled to herself as if someone else was in the room. Hope went to the bathroom to freshen up her face. The water felt cool on her skin as she washed away the dust from the day before. “Another day Hope, just keep moving on,” she grumbled looking back at the dark circles under her eyes. Hope sat down to pee.

Walking back into the kitchen, Hope noticed the clothes on the table more closely. They were things she had bought Thomas over the years. The t-shirts, hats, and other assorted items all sat neatly on the table, folded with care. There were also a few empty picture frames where photographs had once lived. All that remained were spaces left from missing images of better times. The paperwork she noticed earlier was also strangely out of place. These were things from her life like her birth certificate, legal documents, and other important items all stacked in a deliberate pile. She then found the note.

My dearest Hope,

I’m sorry I’m not a stronger man. You deserve so much more than what I’ve become. By the time you see this letter, I’ll be on my own. That’s the only way I can move on. I need to forget. Everything here reminds me of Julian, and I hate it. I hate that I couldn’t stop what happened that night. I hate myself for needing to let go. I hate myself most for doing this to you now. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known, and now I’ve become a shell of who I once was. I hope you find happiness in this world, and I know you will. If I were to stay, I would drag you down where I need to go. I couldn’t do that to you. I need to forget, and with you, I doubt I ever could. You’re my best friend, and I’m so sorry that I have to go. Stay with Gabe and Faith. They’re good people. I love you more than you’ll ever know.

Tom

    
Hope became frantic. She couldn’t believe what she was reading. It all overwhelmed her to the point that she became lightheaded. Hope desperately tried to process the events taking place. A sense of disconnection surged through her small body as she walked back into the living room. Images blurred as the sounds of life outside became hollow. She fell down upon the sofa and went to back to sleep.

Chapter 4

The Burning S
ky

At the time of Julian’s birth, six years prior, the country was locked in a cycle of corruption and great opulence. The division between the wealthy and the poor was greater than any time in history. Unemployment was at an all-time high, discouraging many to leave the workforce entirely. Educated young adults were left with tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt without the ability to find work. Darkness fell upon the people as their elected officials grew detached from the very one’s they serve.

Corruption proved rampant
as senators and congressmen aligned themselves with global corporations fueled by profit and greed. The established few offered candidates who were bought and paid for guaranteeing more of the same. The political party lines blurred as the globalist pulled the strings. Strong local leadership was subverted by the powerful central planners. This new hybrid system stoked the fires of global power and local dissent.

“I’m sorry to bother you sir, but there’s another fax for you,” the young man said sheepishly.

“You know the drill Matt. Tell them you couldn’t get it to me on time. I have ninety minutes before I speak. Last thing I’m going to do is worry about the poll data,” the man said as he read from a pile of mail from his supporters.

“Mr. Howard, headquarters told me it’s critical that I get this to you. They would like you to focus on the current state of manufacturing and unemployment. The data shows people are responding well considering China’s press release regarding the Yuan,” Matt explained as he urged the importance of the data. “They made me promise I’d get it to you.”

Mr. Howard looked up from his stack of mail with his steal blue eyes and exquisitely honest face. “Hogwash! This is my campaign and I know what the people want. They’ve been emailing, calling, and getting in my face talking about jobs. That’s what they need. I don’t care what the polls say,” Mr. Howard said firmly with a smirk on his face. “If there was a bendy straw crisis this week, I’m sure they’d put it in a fax if it polled well. I’m still in this thing because the other guys are leading the country from polls.”

“Calm down Paul, he’s just doing his job,” a soft voice said from the attached room.

“I know he is Lori, but I’m getting tired of people trying to tell me where I stand.”

Mr. Paul Howard was a tall
, slender man in his late fifties with silver, flowing hair. He had been married to his wife Lori for over thirty of those years. Being an avid runner, he was in excellent shape for his age. He was a rare type of politician who spoke his mind and understood the system. He had built a legacy on firmly rooted principles with a solid understanding of economics and global affairs. His wife Lori was always by his side. Despite the fact that she’d struggled for many years with health issues, she was his rock. Mr. Howard was a good man with an even greater wife.

“Mr. Howard, we need to head down in ten minutes,
OK?” Matt said as he smiled believing in his candidate.

Lori walked over to Mr. Howard and began to straighten his tie while saying, “Alright Paul, remember don’t get too angry when the others don’t understan
d the issues. Just keep smiling. This is a big debate tonight.”