Finding Kylie (2 page)

             
If she’d only forced her mom to get medical attention sooner.  Maybe then, the doctor’s might have been able to prevent the cancer from progressing so fast.  Her mother and Cheryl kept her out of the loop for nearly five months before calling her, which is what upset her the most. 

             
Chastity needed to sit down.  She felt like everything was starting to bubble over, spinning out of control.  She started tossing box lids across the attic, venting to herself.  In part, to help herself get out some the emotions she felt, and in part, hoping that her mom could hear her thoughts.

             
Mom, how could you not tell me?  Cheryl told me you felt it would be too much for me to handle.  I’m twenty-five years old!  It’s not like I’m a child!  I had a right to know!  One month is not long enough to deal with all this.

             
She paused and looked up to the attic rafters.

             
I guess you wanted me to continue living full steam, but now what?  Like I am supposed to pick up and move on like you always did? It’s not fair ... I needed more time with you!

             
Chastity crumpled up on the floor into a tiny ball, next to her mom’s old beanbag chair, and wrapped her arms tightly around her stomach.  Somehow, this chair always made her feel closer to her mom. 

             
They used to lay in it together when she was a little girl, staying up late to watch television and eat popcorn.  She could almost feel her mom’s arms around her. Heavy hearted, Chastity cradled herself and focused on the conversation she’d had with Cheryl after the funeral.

             
“Your happiness was the best medication your mother could have.  She called you her ray of sunshine Chastity, lighting up her world
.”
  

             
Cheryl pulled her into a hug, bringing her face down into Chastity’s hair, and explained that if she were moping around her mother for the last few months, then it would have made it harder on Kylie to make it through the day. 

             
“
Your mother would have been more worried about you and your feelings, than she would have been about her own health.” 

             
These words were meant to make Chastity understand, to feel better about her mother’s choice, but she didn’t want to.  She knew Cheryl was trying to do what was best for her mom, but it made her angry that she was the authority on her wellbeing. 

             
She was robbed of quality time and emotional closure, especially with so many unanswered questions in her life that only her mother could answer.                           

             
Chastity leaned back into beanbag chair and rested her head.

             
Mom, there are so many reasons why I needed more time with you ..
. 

             
She wanted to tell her that she loved her for all her quirks, as frustrating as they could be.  She wanted to let her know that she was sorry for making it so hard on her as a child. 

             
Her mother never made her feel unloved, but Chastity caught the look in her eye sometimes when she was watching her.  It was a look of pain, and it made Chastity feel like she’d done something to hurt her.  She wanted to let her mother know that if she could do it all over, that she’d do it better to make her happy. 

             
Chastity’s most desperate want of all was to know the truth about her father.  She always knew that there was more to the story than what she was told.

             
In Kindergarten is when she first noticed that she was one of the few kids that had only one parent attending all the school functions or parent-teacher days.  One evening on the way home she decided to ask about him. 

             
“Mom, do I have a daddy?” 

             
Kylie looked into her daughter’s questioning green eyes, turned the radio down, and drove in silence.  When opening her mouth to speak, she took a deep breath as if she were getting ready to jump off a bridge into deep water. 

             
Kylie told her that her dad died a long time ago, and started tearing up.  Chastity knew that she must have loved him very much because she wouldn’t cry unless she really missed him. 

             
Seeing her daughter was satisfied with her answer, Kylie turned up the radio and kept her eyes on the road.  They didn’t speak for the rest of the way home. 

             
Because she didn’t want to distress her mother, she didn’t ask bout her dad for a long time.  The answer she was given that night held her curiosity until years later when she realized that there were no pictures, stories, or memories to share about her father or his family. 

             
When Chastity started asking about him again, Kylie would just change the subject, asking about school or Chastity’s latest art project.  Even though she was young she knew her mother was avoiding the issue.  She vowed that one day she’d find the truth.  There had to be more than just herself, her mom, and Grandma.

             
She picked herself up from the comfort of the beanbag chair and began the task of looking through her mother’s belongings.  It was bittersweet rifling through the boxes unearthing so many treasures. 

             
She was amazed that she had saved as much as she did.  The first box she saw was full of photos of the two of them from over the last twenty-five years. 

             
I need to get these organized in a photo album instead of leaving them sitting in a box
.
 
 

             
She noticed how worn the edges and corners were, as if thumbed through on a regular basis. 

             
She found another box full of awards she’d won from art festivals and music recitals from her grade school days, and about every picture she’d drawn from pre-school and up. 

             
How about that?
I can’t believe she kept all these.
 

             
Her excitement bubbled up in hopes she’d find what she what she digging for ... any trace that would lead her to father.  She knew nothing of him, not even his name, but if she had to guess she would assume he was from her mother’s hometown, near Oklahoma City. 

             
The timing of Chastity’s birth would have made her mom about nineteen and a recent high school graduate.  Over the years, she’d tried convincing Cheryl to give her any tidbit of information - but it was pointless.  She was about as tight lipped as her mother was, with anything or anyone from her their past. 

             
The only thing she knew about their school days was about their favorite bands: A-Ha and Pat Benatar, or the humor they found in how Cheryl did her hair and make-up in the
80’s.

             
It didn’t take long to make her way through most of the attic.  Especially considering the average length of time they lived in any one place, as a kid, was around two years.  Needless to say, they didn’t have time to save very much, as it was too much work to pack when it was time to move again. 

             
Chastity stacked the boxes she’d gone through in the corner, which left only a few more to go.

              “You’re not going to find what you’re looking for.”

             
Cheryl was behind her, as if she appeared from thin air.  Chastity was so involved in her hunt that she didn’t hear her climb the narrow staircase. 

             
“You have no idea what I am looking for.” Chastity raised her eyebrow.  “And, you don’t understand what I am going through or what I am thinking right now.  I didn’t just lose my mother this weekend; I lost the hope of knowing about my parents.  I will never know what it’s like to have a dad.”

             
Cheryl turned to go before the conversation led to a familiar confrontation, but needed to leave her with a few words,

             
“You didn’t lose your parents, Chastity.  You’ll always have your mother and she’s all you’ve ever needed.” 

             
As Cheryl headed for the stairway, Chastity sunk into an Indian style position on the wooden floor.  Her emotions overtook her and she began the trip that she had been avoiding all day. 

             
“I miss my mom, and I am not taking anything away from her,” she cried. “She will always be enough, but there’s a hole in my heart that belongs to a part of me I’ll never know.  I don’t know that I can keep going if I don’t find some happiness in this tragedy.  She was taken too soon from me and I need something to hang on to!” 

             
Cheryl quickly crossed the floor to console her best friend’s daughter.  To her, Chastity felt like her own flesh and blood.  She was there for her birth and through all the milestones in her life.  As Cheryl stroked Chastity’s long brown hair, she lifted her chin to look into her bright green eyes. 

             
“You have everything to hang on to.  You have your mother’s love, strength, and memories.  I know you feel the need to find this part of you, but trust me when I say that you’ll be opening up a part of you that you’ll wish you never had.”

             
A quick hug and kiss on her head was all that she left her with,  leaving Chastity with more unresolved emotions than she had to begin with. 

Chapter 2

May 24th, 1980
, Oklahoma

Dear Diary,

             
Somebody pinch me!  I’m getting ready to go out with John, the guy I’ve had a crush on forever.  Cheryl was so jealous when I called her.  We’ve only obsessed over him since junior high. 

             
This morning, I caught him looking at me in homeroom.  My stomach dropped, and I pretended to look at the clock behind him.  I couldn’t look back in his direction - incase he caught me. 

             
After the bell rang, I tried to get out the room as fast as I could but he called my name and asked me to wait.  I can’t believe he knew my name!  He’s never paid any attention to me before, and now all of the sudden he wants to walk me to first period. 

             
Oh, My Gosh!  This diary is full of entries about my crush and now tonight when I get home, I will have a journal entry worth writing about.  It won’t be the, ‘I almost bumped into John in Senior Hall’ journal entry.  It will be the ‘I went out with John Mikale and had the night of my life’ entry. 

             
He said his dad is out of town, so we’re going out to dinner and then back to his house to sit by the pool and talk.  He said he wants to get to know me better. I can’t believe it! I told my parents we’re going to dinner and a movie so that I can stay out until midnight. 

             
Since Cheryl was home sick today, I couldn’t go see her. She’s more experienced when it comes to dating, so she’d know what to do with my hair and make-up. She gave me some tips over the phone, but it’s not the same.

             
There’s one thing that’s totally freaking me out ... what if he kisses me?  The only thing I have come close to experience is practicing on my pillow at night.  He is going to know that I am so clueless.  If he uses his tongue, I am not going to know what to do.  Oh my gosh!  I need to call Cheryl to get more advice from her.

             
Okay … in about an hour, I am going to be the girl riding in John’s blue Mustang.  I’ll write more when I get home! 

Until later, Kylie

             
Kylie Wayne had never experienced any advances from the opposite sex.  She was the traditional late bloomer, who didn't know the newfound power she could wield if she only knew how to flirt. 

             
She had always been attractive in an average way.  Her clear olive complexion had promises of an exotic look, but her youthful brown eyes and tomboyish frame made her look five years younger.  She felt invisible.