Finding Libbie (24 page)

Fifteen minutes later, when Jack came through the kitchen door, he found Libbie on the floor, sobbing.

“Libs, what happened? Are you okay?” He ran to her and dropped down beside her.

“I’ve ruined everything,” she said between sobs. “The duck is overcooked, the glaze didn’t turn out, and the wild rice is clumpy. I can’t do this. I’m a failure.”

Jack pulled her into his arms and held her tight. “I’m sure it’s all fine,” he said, trying to soothe her, but she pulled away and glared at him.

“No, it’s not!” she yelled as she stood up. “I’ve worked so hard all day and now it’s all ruined. I can’t serve this to our friends.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, leaving black trails of mascara behind. Jack stood and tried to calm her down, but she backed away. Libbie picked up a serving spoon and threw it across the room. It clattered against a wall before dropping to the floor.

“Libbie. Don’t. Tell me what needs to be done and I’ll try to help you fix it.”

Libbie turned on him with wild eyes. “No! Nothing can fix this mess. You were right, I tried doing too much and now I’ve ruined everything. I’m a failure!” She ran to the bedroom and slammed the door.

Jack stood there, stunned. The manic look in Libbie’s eyes had taken him by surprise. It was almost time for their friends to arrive and he still had to shower and change. What was he going to tell them? He glanced around the kitchen and assessed the situation. Going to the stove, he saw that the glaze in the saucepan was lumpy and too thick to pour. He took it to the sink and ran water into it. He smelled something still cooking in the oven and checked. The asparagus looked cooked, so he pulled it out and covered it. Then he found the duck recipe that Libbie was using and looked it over. He sighed.
I don’t know what I’m doing.

He picked up the phone and called his mom. “I need your help,” he told her.

Just as he finished doing as his mother instructed, the doorbell rang and he went to answer it. Carol and her new boyfriend were standing there. She wore a silky red dress and heels, and he was wearing a suit.

“Aren’t you a little underdressed?” Carol asked, giving Jack a teasing smile.

“We’re running late,” he told her. “Can you greet the other guests for me? I’ll get Libbie and we’ll be out as soon as possible.”

Carol nodded. “Of course. This is Jim, by the way. Jim Simmons.”

“Hi,” Jim said, extending his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, Jim,” Jack said. “I’m afraid I’m too dirty to shake your hand, though. Can I catch you later?”

Jim laughed. “You bet.”

Jack walked to their bedroom and stepped in quietly. Libbie was lying on the bed, tears still falling. He went over and sat on the bed beside her. “Libs? Sweetie? Please stop crying. Carol is here. And her new boyfriend seems nice. Why don’t you freshen up while I shower and then go out and say hi?”

Libbie sat up and looked at him, her eyes red and swollen. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she said with a shaky voice. “You were right—I was trying to do too much and I failed. I just wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted you to be proud of me.”

“Oh, Libs. You don’t have to prove to me that you’re perfect. I already know you are.” He slipped his arm around her and pulled her to him, kissing her softly on the lips. “I married the most beautiful girl in town, and the smartest and sweetest, too,” he whispered. “I knew I was lucky the day you said you’d marry me.”

Libbie sniffled. “I’m not perfect. I ruined dinner. I try too hard and then ruin everything. I’m not good at anything. I’m a failure.”

“You’re not a failure,” Jack insisted. “Everything you do is amazing. Look at all the beautiful pies you made, and the delicious cookies you shared around the neighborhood. And what about all the decorations? They’re beautiful. Just because one thing went wrong doesn’t mean you’re a failure.”

“But what about dinner? It’s ruined. What am I going to do?”

Jack grinned. “It’s not ruined. The duck looks delicious. With my mom’s help, I fixed it and it’ll be fine. She also gave me a tip on how to save the rice. And I took the asparagus out of the oven in time. It’s all fine, Libbie. But if we don’t get out there and eat it soon, it will be ruined.”

“You fixed it? After I yelled at you?” Libbie asked, surprised.

“Sure. I’m hungry.” He laughed.

A small smile tugged at Libbie’s lips.

“I have to shower and change. You’d better fix your makeup before you go out there. You have raccoon eyes.”

“Thanks, Jack. You’re always saving me.”

Jack kissed her again. “I’m happy to do it.”

Libbie hurried and fixed her makeup and hair then went out to greet her guests. The dinner did taste fine after all, and everyone complimented Libbie on it. And when the neighbors came over for dessert, everyone told her how wonderful her pies were. Jack watched as she graciously accepted their praise. She looked so beautiful, and he was very proud of her.

Later, after everyone had left, they sat together on the sofa in the darkened living room with only the Christmas tree lights on, enjoying the quiet.

“You were incredible tonight,” Jack told her, slipping his arm around her.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Libbie said softly. “I don’t know what got into me. Everything was going fine, and then it all fell apart. And then I fell to pieces, too.”

“It’s okay, Libs. I know you didn’t mean to. You try so hard to make everything perfect and it stresses you out. I was worried that you were working too hard.”

Libbie looked up at him. “I don’t know what comes over me. One minute everything is fine and the next I’m an emotional mess. It’s like I don’t have any control over my emotions. And the harder I try, the worse it gets. I should have listened to you and not pushed myself so hard.”

“It’s okay, Libs. I’m just happy that tonight turned out so well. The neighbors loved your dinner, and your pies were a success.”

Libbie dropped her head on his shoulder. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“And my mother.” Jack chuckled.

Libbie smiled. “And your mother.”

“I love you, Libs. Just you. You don’t have to be anything or anyone else for me. You’re perfect just as you are. Don’t forget that, okay?”

Libbie nodded her head. Jack stood and lifted her into his arms, carrying her off to bed as she laughed warmly.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Jack and Libbie celebrated the New Year at June and Adam’s house, along with a dozen other neighborhood friends. New Year’s Eve was on a Friday night, so everyone let loose and had a good time. When midnight rolled around, June, with Libbie and Natalie’s help, passed out glasses of champagne to everyone. Jack and Libbie clinked glasses as the clock struck twelve, then kissed after sipping their champagne.

“Happy New Year, honey,” Libbie said into his ear.

“Happy 1972,” Jack said, kissing her once more. They laughed and joined in with their friends, giving hugs all around.

Libbie hadn’t had a drink since her overdose, and the smooth, sweet taste of the champagne felt good as it slid down her throat. She’d meant to put the glass down right away, but it was hard to resist. She drank it all, and then set it down, but when June poured her another one, she accepted. What would it hurt for her to drink just a little more?

By the time they left the party, Libbie was more than a little tipsy. Jack helped her on with her coat and wrapped his arm around her as they walked back to their house.

Both of them were in a blissful mood, and they made slow, sweet love that night. Afterward, Libbie lay curled up beside Jack with her head on his bare chest. She could hear the steady beat of his heart, and she loved feeling his warm body next to hers.

“Where do you think Larry is tonight?” Libbie asked quietly.

“I was wondering the same thing at midnight when everyone was celebrating,” Jack said. “I know he’s in Vietnam, but he hasn’t written since he shipped out in December.”

“I hope he’s safe somewhere, having a drink and thinking of home,” Libbie said.

Jack pulled her closer. “Me, too.”

They lay there a while longer before Libbie broke the silence again. “Jack?”

“Hmm?”

“Let’s have a baby.”

Jack lay silent, not answering for a while. Finally, he looked at Libbie. “I don’t know if this is the right time, Libs. Maybe we should wait another year or so.”

Libbie rose on one elbow and looked down at the outline of Jack’s face in the dark room. “But you said when we had a home of our own we could start a family. Now we have this nice place, and this is a wonderful neighborhood. I really want to start a family. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

Jack reached up and tenderly brushed his fingertips along the side of Libbie’s face. “I want a family, too, but don’t you think we should wait? Babies are a lot of work and can wear you down. I’m worried it may be too much stress for you. Maybe you should talk to the doctor first to see if it’s safe to get pregnant while you’re on medication.”

Libbie stiffened. “You mean you’re afraid I’ll freak out and overdose again.”

“Libs . . .”

“Jack, I haven’t had a drink, except for tonight, since last March. And I’m no longer taking my antidepressant or the Valium. I stopped taking them after we moved in here.”

Jack sat up. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d stopped taking your medicine? Is that wise?”

“I don’t need them anymore. I’ve been so happy here that I was no longer sad or depressed. Besides, those pills made me feel awful—like I had no feelings at all. I’m happier now. And I don’t need alcohol or Valium to feel happy.”

“What about what happened over Christmas?” Jack asked. “You said you didn’t feel like you could control your emotions. Maybe that’s because you stopped taking the antidepressant.”

Libbie frowned. “I was just stressed about making everything perfect for our friends. It was just one instance. Other than that, I’ve been fine.”

“I’m glad you feel better,” Jack said. “But shouldn’t you have talked to the doctor first before stopping the medication?”

Libbie sighed. “He would have told me to stay on them. I don’t need them, Jack. My life has changed. I’m not worried about losing you to the war anymore, and we have a wonderful home to live in and a good life. I’m happy.” She reached over and ran her fingers through his brown hair. “And I want to have a baby with you,” she added gently. “I love you.”

Jack slid down in the bed and pulled Libbie on top of him as she giggled.

“I love you, too, Libs. I want to start a family, too. If you’re sure it will make you happy, then I’m happy.”

Libbie kissed him as he slid his hands down her waist to the curve of her hips. “We could start trying now,” she said.

Jack laughed. He was only too happy to comply.

Jack turned twenty-one at the end of January, and Libbie threw him a surprise birthday party, inviting the entire neighborhood along with his family and their other friends. It was that night that Carol told Libbie she and Jim were engaged and wanted a July wedding.

“But you hardly know him,” Libbie said, surprised.

“Actually, I’ve known him since I started college, but we started dating last August,” Carol said. “He’s a good person and I really love him. Be happy for me, Libbie.”

Libbie was happy for her and told her so; she just hadn’t realized Carol had been dating Jim since the previous August. They hadn’t seen much of each other over the past few months and it made Libbie sad. She’d made a lot of new friends, but Carol had been her best friend her whole life, and she felt bad that they weren’t as connected anymore.

“Don’t worry,” Carol told her with a wink. “You’re not going to get out of having to wear some god-awful maid of honor dress at my wedding.”

“Really? You want me to be the maid of honor?” Libbie hugged Carol, then pulled away and frowned. “Ugh. That means I’ll be the matron of honor.”

Carol laughed.

By February they’d heard from Larry, but he hadn’t written any details about where he was stationed in Vietnam.

I don’t want my friends and family watching the nightly news and worrying something has happened to me, so I’m not telling you where I am,
he wrote.
Besides, I’m doing fine and I plan on being out of this place by Christmas.

Libbie was relieved he was fine, and she sent up a little prayer for him.

Libbie was so excited at the prospect of getting pregnant that she began making plans for the baby-to-be. Their guest room was small but would be perfect for a nursery. She threw herself into painting the room a soft sage green—“It’s perfect for a boy or a girl,” she told Jack—and had Jack take out the existing bed and other furniture and store it at her parents’ house so she could make room for baby furniture.

“Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?” Jack said when she’d asked him to remove the furniture.

“I know I’ll be pregnant any day now,” she said confidently.

Jack just smiled and moved the furniture.

As February turned into March, Libbie began to worry because she wasn’t pregnant yet. When April came and she was still not pregnant, she went to see the doctor, but he told her she was perfectly healthy and to be patient. He also reminded her that if she did become pregnant, they’d need to reevaluate her antidepressant medication. She only nodded and didn’t tell him she’d already stopped taking it. She didn’t need a lecture about staying on her medication. In her mind, she was fine.

Summer came to the north woods and the days grew warm. It should have been a happy time for Libbie, but each month that she found she wasn’t pregnant, Libbie grew more discouraged. In June, she broke down crying one night when Jack came home from work.

“I’m not pregnant—again!” she wailed.

Jack tried his best to calm her down, but she was inconsolable. “Libs, you can’t keep doing this to yourself,” he said, pulling her into his arms. “Maybe if you just relax and enjoy the summer, it’ll happen.”

Libbie pushed Jack away. “How am I supposed to relax or enjoy the summer? All you do is work. I’m alone every day and most nights and weekends. We never have fun because you’re never here.”

Jack sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Libs, but if I didn’t work the extra jobs, then we wouldn’t be living here. And if we have a baby, there’ll be even more expenses. I’m just trying to pay the bills.”

“
If
we have a baby? What do you mean by that? I knew you didn’t want to have a baby. You’re already complaining about what it will cost.”

“Libs, I didn’t mean it that way. You have to calm down. Getting upset isn’t going to help.”

Libbie ran to their bedroom and slammed the door. She knew she was acting crazy, but she couldn’t control it. She wanted a baby so badly, and she didn’t want to listen to reason.

Jack slept on the sofa that night, and in the morning, Libbie came out and crawled under his blanket with him. “I’m sorry, Jack. I want a baby so much. I know you’re working hard to pay the bills and I do appreciate it. I don’t know why I get so crazy sometimes. I’m so sorry.”

Jack pulled her close. “I know, Libs. We’re both tired and stressed. I hate being away from you so much, too, but it’s the way it has to be for now. Let’s try to enjoy the summer and see what happens, okay?”

Libbie nodded. She knew she should calm down and relax, but it was hard. Her emotions were running rampant, and all she could think about was having a baby. It nearly drove her crazy.

“Besides,” Jack said, “we can’t make a baby if I’m sleeping on the sofa.” He chuckled.

“Oh, hon. I’ll try harder not to act crazy about it.”

And she did try, but it wasn’t easy. Her nerves were on edge by the time Carol’s wedding came in July. As the matron of honor, it was her job to host a bridal shower and a bachelorette party for Carol, and although she usually loved doing those things, her heart wasn’t in it. She was actually relieved when the wedding was over. She was tired and felt drained, both physically and emotionally.

As summer wore on, Libbie began to withdraw from her usual activities. She started spending more time alone while Jack was at work and begged off from card night on Tuesdays and neighborhood barbeques on Saturdays. She rarely visited the neighbor women during the day anymore, either. June and Natalie stopped by often to ask how she was, and she always put on a smiling face for them and said she was fine. In truth, Libbie no longer enjoyed being around the women who had children. It reminded her that she wasn’t pregnant, and that upset her more.

Jack was so tired at night when he came home from work that he didn’t mind when she canceled get-togethers with the neighbors. He told her he was happy spending time alone with her. More and more, he was working at his uncle’s gas station on weeknights, fixing cars for extra money. He’d come home late, eat leftovers from the night before, and drop into bed. Libbie no longer complained that he worked too much. She was too wrapped up in feeling miserable about not being able to get pregnant.

After another one of Libbie’s breakdowns, Jack gently suggested she should try taking her antidepressant again to see if she’d feel better. Libbie refused to even talk about it. “I won’t take it,” she said defiantly. “I hate how it makes me feel. I’m fine.” Jack didn’t say anything more about it after that.

In October, Libbie ran into Carol at the grocery store. She immediately felt guilty for not having seen her since the wedding. But Carol was beaming and had exciting news to share.

“I’m pregnant!” Carol announced. “Only two months, but I’m so happy, I could burst. I knew you’d be happy for me, too.”

Libbie’s heart sank when she heard the news. She feigned excitement for her friend and promised to keep in touch. But when she got back to her car with her groceries, Libbie burst into tears. She’d been trying for months to get pregnant, yet Carol was pregnant only a couple months after getting married. It wasn’t fair.

Libbie passed the liquor store on her drive home, and for the first time in a year and a half, it beckoned to her. She pulled into the parking lot and sat there a long time, debating what to do. She really wanted a drink. No, she needed a drink. Her mouth watered at the thought of the sweet liquid sliding down her throat, and the warm feeling it gave her. But could she drink only one glass? Was she strong enough to control how much she drank? Just one couldn’t hurt. She was stronger now. She’d proven she could stop drinking for over a year. She’d have one. Only one. Before she could change her mind, she went inside and bought two bottles of wine and 7 Up, charging them to her parents’ account.

Once at home, Libbie put away her groceries, but her thoughts were on the wine in the fridge. She’d placed the bottles in the vegetable drawer, knowing that Jack never looked in there. Finally, with shaking hands, she opened a bottle and poured half a glass, meaning to put 7 Up in with it. But after one sip, she decided against making a spritzer. She took another long sip and closed her eyes, enjoying the sweet taste. Soon, that warm sensation from the alcohol ran through her, and she sighed with relief.
Just one glass,
she told herself.
That’s all I need.

By three o’clock, she was passed out on the living room sofa.