Finding Libbie (25 page)

Libbie told herself she had her drinking under control. On the nights Jack came home on time, she always had dinner waiting and was in a cheerful mood. She’d control how much wine she drank in the afternoon—just enough to feel good but not enough to fall asleep in the middle of the day. But on the nights she knew he’d be late, she’d unintentionally drink too much and pass out. But Jack never knew. She’d always go to bed before he came home and would be sound asleep.

By early November, as the first snow fell outside, Libbie once again discovered she wasn’t pregnant. She had thought for sure she was, but her body betrayed her once more. It was only ten in the morning when she took her first sip of wine.
Just one small glass,
she told herself,
to calm my nerves.
She walked around the house, trying to find ways to take her mind off her problems. Nothing needed dusting, the carpet was vacuumed, and even the kitchen was spotless. She didn’t have to think about cooking dinner that night because Jack was working on a neighbor’s car at the garage. There was nothing for her to do.

That’s when it hit her hard. If she never became pregnant, if she never had a family of her own, what would she do with the rest of her life? How would she fill all the empty hours of the day while Jack was gone? What would be her purpose in life? Those thoughts weighed heavily on her. All she’d wanted was to have a family with Jack. Maybe it would never happen. Then what good was she?

Several times she passed the bedroom that was supposed to be a nursery, and finally she closed the door so she wouldn’t have to be reminded of her failure to become pregnant.

Libbie went to the kitchen and opened another bottle of wine. She drank a glass and then poured another. She felt so drained emotionally. Her whole body felt weighed down with sorrow, yet she couldn’t even cry anymore. The tears just wouldn’t come. She’d cried them all out. Her pain was that deep.

That’s when she remembered the Valium pills still sitting in the medicine cabinet.

Unsteadily, she walked to the bathroom and opened the cabinet door. Pulling out the bottle of pills, she stared at them. She hadn’t had one of these since July of last year. But today, her sadness was too heavy. She saw the dark hole again, waiting for her to fall into it. She needed help desperately.

Opening the bottle, she took out one pill and held it in the palm of her hand. It was such a tiny thing, yet it could relieve such heavy pain. She walked out to the living room and picked up her glass of wine, put the pill into her mouth, and swallowed it down with a sip of the red liquid. Closing her eyes, she sighed with relief. That sigh triggered a memory, but she just couldn’t remember what it was. She walked into the bedroom and crawled onto the bed, setting her wine glass on the nightstand. Lying back on the pillows, she closed her eyes and waited for the pill to take effect. Her thoughts drifted to another room, another bed, another nightstand with a glass on it. That’s when it hit her—she’d become her mother.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Jack was worried about Libbie. As winter settled in, her behavior was becoming erratic. There were nights he’d come home from work and she’d be full of energy, having cleaned until the entire house was spotless and cooked a big dinner. Other nights, she’d be dragging, to the point where she just sat on the sofa covered with a blanket, staring blankly at the television. Her highs and lows were so pronounced he began asking her if she should see the doctor about taking her antidepressant again. But she’d snap back at him that she was fine, and sometimes it led to her screaming at him, followed by her crying and apologizing.

“I’m just tired,” she’d tell him. “I use up all my energy working around the house and wear myself out. I have to try not to overdo it so I don’t get so tired.”

Jack accepted her excuses. On the nights he came home on time from work, she always had dinner ready, and the house was always spotless. He could understand how she might be overdoing it on those days. Besides, he was too tired from working so much to fight.

By December, he realized that she no longer talked about getting pregnant. The guest bedroom door was always closed, and if he opened it, she’d get upset and shut it again. He hated seeing her so sad over not yet being pregnant.

“We can keep trying,” he told her gently. “It just takes time. And we’re so young; we have years ahead of us to have babies. It’ll happen, Libs. Don’t give up.”

She’d give him a half smile and nod, but Jack could tell she’d already lost hope. And since he worked so many nights, they rarely made love, making the chances of her getting pregnant even slimmer. There wasn’t much he could do, though. Prices continued to rise, heating with oil was getting more expensive, and there were all the extra expenses like house and car insurance and keeping his old truck running. He didn’t even want to think about when he’d have to replace it. Still, he felt guilty leaving Libbie home alone so much when she was feeling sad.

A week before Christmas, they received a letter from Larry saying he’d survived his year in Vietnam and was now in California finishing up his days in the service. He said he’d be discharged in February and then he’d head home, but California already looked pretty good to him.
Palm trees, sunshine, and warm days in the winter,
he wrote.
And girls in bikinis everywhere! It’s a bachelor’s dream.

Jack was relieved that Larry had made it through his tour in Vietnam. He couldn’t wait to see his old friend again. Libbie was happy he was okay, too. It was the first time in ages Jack had seen a spark in her eyes. She’d picked up Spence and held him close and said, “Wait until Larry sees Spence. He won’t believe how big he is.”

That year at Christmas, Libbie didn’t put as much energy into celebrating and didn’t invite the neighbors over for a party. She told Jack she was too tired to put in the effort. They did go to Steve and Natalie’s for dinner a few days before, but Libbie seemed distant. Christmas Eve was spent at her parents’ house, which only upset Libbie more. Her parents drank too much, and Gwen and Walter argued. The little girls were the only ones having any fun with the presents they’d received.

Christmas Day at the farm was a much happier event, and Jack was relieved that Libbie seemed more relaxed. Norman had built her a beautiful jewelry armoire that stood about four feet tall and had velvet-lined drawers and doors with hooks where she could hang necklaces. Inside, Jack had placed her present. She unwrapped it and smiled brightly. He’d given her a lovely necklace and earring set with blue topaz stones. “I love it!” Libbie told him as she hugged and kissed him. Jack was pleased he’d been able to make Libbie smile.

Jan came home for Christmas break and everyone was excited to see her. She was in her second year of college and loved living in Minneapolis. Ray was now sixteen years old and had earned enough money helping his father to buy an old beater truck to drive. He was growing into a handsome man, but he still blushed when Libbie said he must be breaking all the girls’ hearts in high school.

On New Year’s Eve, Jack and Libbie went to a neighbor’s party but it wasn’t the joyous occasion it had been the previous year. Jack watched as Libbie went through the motions of being polite to everyone, but he could tell her heart wasn’t in it. In fact, they’d had a fight before coming—she’d wanted to stay home, and he had told her it would be good for her to be out with their friends. She’d conceded, reluctantly, and they’d gone, but he could tell she wasn’t enjoying it. She’d worn a lovely blue dress and the new necklace and earrings he’d given her. Her blond hair was down, but she’d curled it, and it hung softly around her face. He thought she was the most beautiful girl in the room. Despite the hard times they’d had, he still loved her as passionately now as when he’d proposed. He wished he could find a way to help her go back to being the carefree, happy girl she’d once been. However, he had no idea how to do that.

As midnight struck and everyone raised their glasses to toast 1973, Jack pulled Libbie close. “I love you, Libs,” he whispered into her ear. “I hope all your dreams come true this year.” They clinked their champagne glasses and sipped, but Libbie just gazed around blankly, as if she hadn’t even heard what he’d said.

At home afterward, Libbie was already curled up under the blankets and sound asleep by the time Jack got into bed. Jack sighed, disappointed, but kissed her softly on the cheek and snuggled up next to her.

On a crisp night in February, Larry showed up at their door with a wide grin. “I’m back,” he said, laughing.

Jack hugged his friend, excited to see him. “I can’t believe you’ve been gone for two years,” he said as he led Larry inside. “It went so fast.”

“Not fast enough for me,” Larry said.

“Larry!” Libbie ran out from the kitchen and into his arms, hugging him tightly. When she finally pulled away, she beamed at him. “I’m so happy you’re safe and at home.”

“Me, too,” he said, kissing the top of her head. He looked around. “Hey, is that Spence? He’s a monster now!”

Libbie laughed and picked Spence up to show Larry. “Isn’t he adorable? And he loves it here. He has a sunny window seat to sleep in every afternoon.”

Larry scratched the cat behind the ears. “I don’t blame him for loving it here. These are quite some digs. What happened? Did you win a lottery or something?”

Jack explained how they ended up with the house, as they all sat in the living room. Libbie sprang up to get the pan of brownies she’d made earlier, and Larry praised her profusely for the treats.

“You don’t get these in the army,” he said as he stuffed a second one into his mouth.

He told them he was staying at his parents’ house for the time being, until he could find a job and get his own place. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to finish school or just work. Then he sang praises about how beautiful Southern California was and how he would have preferred to stay there.

“But you’d miss all of us,” Jack said, grinning.

Larry laughed. “I’d miss these brownies, that’s for sure.”

As they talked, Jack noticed the change in Larry. He still teased and joked, but his eyes didn’t shine the way they used to and he seemed tense. Jack hoped someday Larry would share his experiences in Vietnam with him so he’d understand it better, but not today. Today was for celebrating and catching up with his old friend.

March and April flew by. Change was constantly in the air. Their next-door neighbors sold their house and moved to Minneapolis. Good jobs had always been difficult to find in their little town, and with the downturn in the economy, it was getting harder. In addition, inflation was causing the price of everything to go up and making it difficult to raise a family on small-town pay. Jack felt lucky that there was always a need for mechanics, so his job was secure. But with the rise in prices, it continued to be necessary for him to work many nights a week repairing cars on the side. Libbie no longer complained about his long hours. He figured she was used to it by now, although he worried about her constantly. Her moods changed so quickly, he never knew from one minute to the next if she was happy or if she’d start yelling at him or crying. He had trouble understanding her behavior. When she was happy, she was almost exuberant. Her eyes shined brightly, and she’d do the work of two people around the house. But when she was down, she could barely function. He did his best to lighten her mood as much as possible, but with his own limited energy, it was difficult.

Often, when Jack worked late at night on a car at his uncle’s garage, Larry would show up with a six-pack and keep him company. Jack never drank while he worked on engines, but he enjoyed listening to Larry ramble on. Larry was working construction with a local contractor building houses. It was only part-time, since building was down right now, but it was something.

Jack confided to Larry his concerns about Libbie. There was no one else on earth he’d trust telling their personal problems to except his best friend. Larry listened and commiserated, but he never gave advice. He seemed to know that Jack just needed an ear to vent his frustrations to. Jack was relieved he finally had someone to talk to again. Between Libbie’s moody behavior and his constant working, Jack was exhausted. But he had to keep going, for Libbie’s sake.

Libbie knew she was losing her battle with pills and alcohol, but she simply didn’t have the energy to fight it anymore. Since the day she’d started the Valium again, she’d been unable to stop. Now she was taking up to five a day and drinking wine, and it was a wonder she could function at all.

She’d been successful at hiding her drinking from Jack all these months. On days she knew he’d be home, she forced herself to drink less so she could function enough to cook a meal. It wasn’t easy, because her body craved the alcohol as much as it craved Valium. Her nerves were raw and her hands would shake if she waited too long to take a pill or have a glass of wine. But keeping it from Jack was paramount. Libbie couldn’t bear for him to find out. He’d want her to see the doctor again, and she’d have to take those dreaded antidepressants. And he’d be disappointed in her, something she couldn’t even bear to think about.

Sometimes she’d wake up with renewed energy and buzz around the house with such intensity, it surprised her. Her heart raced, blood pounding in her ears until she couldn’t take the nervousness any longer and needed to take another pill or have another drink to relax. Other days, she could barely drag herself out of bed. These highs and lows drained her physically and emotionally. She lost weight, and her already petite frame became even smaller. When she looked in the mirror, she barely recognized herself. Shadows framed her eyes, and her skin and hair no longer shined. There was a tightness around her mouth that reminded her of her mother. But even that realization couldn’t stop her from finding solace in one more glass of wine or one more pill.

Libbie hated that she often snapped at Jack but couldn’t control herself. One moment they’d be sharing a joke and laughing, the next moment she’d be yelling at him for not putting his clothes in the hamper or for leaving his shoes out. Her nerves walked the tautest tightrope, and the smallest infraction made her snap. Afterward, she’d fall to pieces, cry, and apologize profusely to Jack for yelling.

Libbie was losing control of her life and had no idea how to stop it.

In June, Libbie heard that Carol had given birth to a healthy baby girl. Carol called her several times to invite her over to see the baby, but Libbie made excuses each time. The last thing she needed to see was how happy Carol was with her new baby when Libbie couldn’t have one of her own. Finally, the calls stopped. A small part of Libbie was sad about ignoring her friend, but she knew that, for her own sanity, it was for the best.

The empty house next door was purchased in June by a single woman, and it wasn’t long before the neighborhood women began spreading gossip about her. Libbie rarely saw her friends anymore, but one day Natalie and June dropped by, and they warned her to watch out for the new neighbor.

“She’s divorced,” Natalie said in a hushed tone. “And you know what that means. She’ll be after all our husbands.”