Finding Me (30 page)
Authors: Michelle Knight,Michelle Burford
Some people ask me if I want to have another child. I love children, but because of the physical damage the dude caused to me, I can’t have another child out of my body. But I do want to have children in my life. You don’t have to be a biological mom to share your love with a kid who needs you. There are so many hurting and desperate children in our world. So in the next few years I will be looking for ways to offer them love, the kind of love I’ve always wished I could’ve gotten more of.
Until then I have another little one to take care of—I finally got a puppy! He’s a Chihuahua, and he’s the cutest thing. Sometimes seeing him makes me think of my sweet Lobo, and I get a little sad. But he’s so full of energy and joy that it’s hard to stay depressed when he’s around.
W
HEN
I
FIRST
ESCAPED
from the house I could see right away how much Cleveland had changed, just by riding through it. But since then I’ve also seen how many other things have changed in the whole country! For one thing, I had never used a smart phone. Someone gave me the gift of an iPhone, and I didn’t even know how to turn the dang thing on. Thankfully someone in the assisted living facility showed me how to use it. And don’t even get me started on Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, texting, and all the other ways people can stay in touch. In one way it’s great. But for me it can get overwhelming. When it does, I just turn everything off and write in my journal, sing (I love anything by Mariah Carey), or paint (red is my favorite color for flowers, and blue is the color that always reminds me of my son).
I missed a lot of stuff while I was in that dungeon: Hurricane Katrina, the tsunami in Asia, the Haiti earthquake, and Hurricane Sandy. Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston both passed away while I was in prison. The whole economy got turned upside down, and a bunch of folks lost their houses and jobs. We got our first African American president. Saddam Hussein was killed. I had heard about some of these things on the radio when I was in the house, but I had never had the chance to talk to people in the outside world about them. So when I got into the assisted living facility I had a lot of catching up to do. The people in that house might have been old, but I did have some good conversations with several of them.
On Saturday nights I really love to go out dancing. A couple of friends go with me. Hip-hop is my favorite. When I’m out there on the dance floor I feel so relaxed. After you’ve been locked up in chains for eleven years and forced to pee in a bucket, you don’t take going out dancing for granted. It’s so wonderful to just be able to move around freely. And I love to sing; I’ll sing along to songs by Katy Perry, Rihanna, and lots of others.
On Sundays I’ve started going to church. I’ve visited a few, and I found one that has slammin’ music—maybe I’ll even join the choir. But I might go to a couple of more churches before I pick one. I’m also hoping I can find that church I went to when I was homeless. I wonder if Arsenio is still there. I’d love to see him and thank him for being so nice to me way back when I was starving and freezing cold.
Near the end of 2013 one big dream came true for me: I went to Disneyland. When my son was small I really wanted to take him to see Winnie the Pooh, Mickey, and Flower, that little skunk in
Bambi
. After I went on the
Dr. Phil Show
to do an interview, Dr. Phil and his producers were sweet enough to arrange the whole thing for me (Thank you so much, Dr. Phil!). Peggy, my lawyer, flew out to Los Angeles with me. I know it might sound crazy to you, but it was actually the first time I ever flew in a plane.
I was so excited that I packed way too much. “Ma’am, would you please step aside for a moment?” one of the TSA agents asked me when we got to the gate. I had just put my suitcase through the X-ray machine, and I had a huge bottle of water in there. Plus, I had a large tube of toothpaste and a container of mouthwash right on top.
“You can’t take these liquids on the plane,” the agent told me. “Your liquids have to be 3.4 ounces or less. You’ll have to go back and check this bag, or else I’ll need to throw these liquids away.”
I gave her a puzzled look. “But I didn’t know I couldn’t have liquids.”
She stared at me. “This has been the rule for at least the last ten years,” she said.
That’s when Peggy cut in: “Well, you have no idea where she’s been for the last ten years!”
We both kind of laughed, and the agent probably just thought we were nuts or something. I ended up going all the way back to the check-in counter to check my bag. From now on, I know the rules!
Once we got up into the air I couldn’t stop staring out the window. “I feel like I’m close to heaven!” I told Peggy. She shook her head and smiled. I’m sure it was just another trip for a lot of people who were traveling that day. But for me it was a whole new world, one filled with blue skies and the most fluffy clouds I’ve ever seen (I was so amazed when we flew right through them!). When we landed and rode over to the hotel I was so surprised at how big Los Angeles felt. And there were thousands of cars on their freeways, maybe even millions! I didn’t love all that traffic, but you can’t beat the weather. It was 75 degrees the whole time I was there. Perfect.
Now that I’ve seen Mickey (very cool!), I have so many other dreams too. When people see me on the streets, a lot of them come up to me and ask, “So what are you going to do next?” Well, I’m already back in school. In January I started taking cooking classes. For at least two years I’ll be stirring up all kinds of foods—Spanish, French, Italian, and, of course, American. So far I really love it.
One day I want to open a restaurant. When you give someone a great meal, it’s like giving a little bit of your heart. I hope people from all over the world will come eat what I have to cook.
I want to bless other people as much I’ve been blessed. Whenever I say that, some people seem surprised that I see my life as a blessing after all the terrible things I went through. But the blessing is that I made it out alive. I’m still here. Still breathing every day. And I’m still able to do something for other people. There is no better blessing than that.
M
Y
FAMILY
HAS
BEEN
one of the hardest things for me to talk about since I escaped from the house. First of all, I never heard anything from my father after I got out. I don’t know where he is or if he’s still even alive. When it comes to my mother, a lot of people don’t understand why I don’t want to see her again. Well, once I left the hospital I started following the news. I saw some reports that my mother said I grew up helping her work in a vegetable garden and that I fed apples to a neighbor’s pet pony. I was like,
What the heck? Who is she talking about?
That never happened!
Through her lawyer, my mother released this statement: “Michelle, my daughter, has been the victim of long-term and profound and unspeakable torture. Her point of view has been altered by that monster and what he did to her. What I have heard that she said about me breaks my heart. That is because what she now believes, while not true, increases her pain. I love my daughter. I always have and always will. I pray that someday she will heal enough to know that again.”
All I can tell you is this: there was a lot of pain in my childhood. But I’m not here to blame my mother or make her feel bad. Now that I’m older I understand that when you’ve been through a lot of pain yourself, you’re just doing your best to get through it. Maybe that’s what happened with my mother. Like everyone, I know she has had some difficult times in her life, and I hope everything turns out well for her. But when it comes to us getting back in touch with each other, that’s not the best choice for me right now. I need some space to take my life in a new direction.
I really do miss some of the other family members, like my brothers and my cousins Lisa, Deanna, and April. But I’m scared that if I get back in touch with one person in the family, that will lead to getting back in touch with my mother, and I’m not ready to do that. I truly hope that one day she will understand my point of view. But even if she doesn’t, I have to look toward the future and try to find some happiness.
And then there’s the dude. I think the world expects me to hate him for the rest of my life, and I won’t lie: there are still a lot of days when I get very angry about the things he did to me. But a little at a time, I’m learning to let go of the hate. I’m not saying he deserves to be let off the hook for what he did. What I’m saying is that
I
deserve to be free. And I can’t have freedom if I’m walking around every day with resentment and bitterness. Forgiveness is the only way I can truly reclaim my life. If I don’t forgive him, then it’ll be like he imprisoned me twice: first while he held me in his house, and now even after he’s gone. I’m letting my hatred of him go so I can truly get my life back.
I don’t know why my life has turned out the way it did. I sometimes wonder, What was the point of all this pain I’ve been through? Why couldn’t God make it possible for us to never go through hard things? One day in heaven I’ll have to ask him about that. But for now the only kind of sense I can make out of everything that has happened is this: we all go through hard things. We might wish we didn’t, but we do. Even if I don’t understand my pain, I’ve got to turn it into some kind of purpose.
When I was on my last breath in that house, God kept me alive for a reason. I believe the reason is so I can help others who have been in my situation. When I’m feeling lost, that’s the purpose I hold onto. Becoming a voice for those who can’t speak, sharing love with other people around me—that’s the only way I’ve been able to find myself again.
Acknowledgments
None of this would have happened without Dr. Phil. He advocated for me and helped people connect with my story so that I could start a new life. I will be forever grateful.
I would like to thank my literary agents, Jan Miller and Lacy Lynch, for their commitment, help, and guidance with this book. Thanks also to the Dupree/Miller team: President Shannon Marven, Nena Madonia, Ivonne Ortega, and Nicki Miser for their hard work and support.
I would also like to thank Harvey Weinstein; Perseus Books Group CEO David Steinberger; Editorial Director Amanda Murray; Publishing Director Georgina Levitt; and Publicity Director Kathleen Schmidt. Many thanks to Leslie Wells for her thoughtful editing.
Appreciation goes to Michelle Burford for helping me with writing this book; to Christine Marra for production; to Deborah Feingold for the cover photos; and to Laura Hanifin for photo research.
Huge thanks to my friend Pastor Angel Arroyo, Jr., as well as to Charles Ramsay and Angel Cordero. Thanks to Commander Keith Sulzer and the Cleveland Police Department; to Anna Faraglia and the Cuyahoga County Prosecutor’s Office; the staff at Metrohealth Hospital; contributors to the Cleveland Courage Fund; Tim Kolonick, Jennifer Meyers, and Lisa Miriello of the FBI; the Cleveland Chapter of the Guardian Angels; and to Bob Friedrick. Also thanks to my friends at Happy Days Elderly Care. And a big thank-you to
Dr. Phil
Executive Producer Carla Pennington, and News Producers Erin Parker and Sarah Carden for all the help, and for being my friends.
Gina and Amanda, thanks for being my companions and best friends for the eleven years we were together. May God bless you for all the years you are free.
Finally, thanks to Abdoul Rahim AbdoulKarim, and to everyone at Giffen & Kaminski, LLC; and especially to my lawyer, Peggy Foley Jones, for her wise advice, and for always being there for me.
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