Finding Never (8 page)

I
go to the Dairy Queen because it's the only place in town that sees
any action after nine o'clock. Besides, I've done some cyber
stalking on my phone and see that Noah's posted something about the
milkshakes being good tonight.
Would be better,
he writes,
if
I had some company to share one with.

I
pull into the gravel parking lot and try not to stare at the faces
there. If I do, I'm bound to find one that I recognize and I don't
think I can handle anymore than this right now.

You
do what you need to do, Never, and I'll be here waiting for you when
you're done.

I
squeeze my eyes closed against tears and smoke a quick cigarette
before getting out of the car.

Sometimes
they leave and they don't come back; sometimes that perfect, little
butterfly gets out of the jar and flies away, flickers like a bit of
fire across the sky and disappears. If you love it, you'll let it
go. That's what they always say, but they Never tell you how to deal
with the pain of their leaving.

I
remember Noah Scott leaving me with this not so cryptic message, and
the days and weeks after that that I cried for him. Once, I even put
my stuff in my car and started the drive back. I got halfway home
before I panicked and turned back around, fled into the arms of a guy
who knew all about motorcycles but nothing about girls with broken
hearts. He was nice enough, but he was no Noah Scott.

At
the door to the Dairy Queen, I catch sight of him sitting in a booth
in the back corner and I get dizzy for a moment, stumble away and
throw up in the scrubby bushes next to the dumpster. I'm nervous
and
I feel sick. I chalk it up to the stupid, fucking bus ride and
smoke another cigarette. It's the best I can do considering I don't
have any mints or gum with me.
Great. Your reunion with Noah
Scott will smell like puke and desperation, Never. Isn't that the
perfect fairytale reunion you always wanted?

My
phone rings and I check quickly to see who it is, thinking that maybe
Noah saw me and is calling to say something cute like,
“Hey
you, I caught you. Coming in?”
but the call isn't from
Noah, it's from Ty. I've been gone fifteen minutes and he's already
calling me. Good sign or bad.

“
Hey,”
I say, trying to keep my voice perky but not too perky. I don't want
Ty to think I'm having a super good time with Noah. If he thinks
that, I don't know what he'll do. I know Ty is the type of guy that
gets spooked easily because I'm the type of girl that gets spooked
easily, and I know that if he was out with an old girlfriend, I'd be
stalking him like a crazy person. I have
never, never
felt
this way about a man before, and it's confusing as hell. I think of
the tears I shed while we were making love and have to close my eyes
to process all of the emotions that I'm feeling. We might be more
than two thousand miles away from the scene of the crime, but the
emotions have trailed along behind us. The distance we've traveled
is tricky; it convinces us that it's been awhile, that Ty and I have
been some kind of unit for ages, but that's not true at all. Ty and
I are a seed that's just been planted, waiting to bloom, wanting to
bloom but not knowing how. It's been four days since we made love.
Four. Days. That isn't long at all. Ty doesn't respond, but I hear
him breathing. “Hello?” I ask, wondering if there's
something wrong.

“
Fuck,”
he says, and I smile because that's such a Ty thing to say. “Just
fuck Never. I lied. I'm not okay with this.”

“
Why?”
I ask him as I steal a glance over my shoulder. The door to the
Dairy Queen opens and a group of girls walk out dressed in tight blue
jeans and skimpy tank tops that can't possibly be keeping them warm
in the nippy winter air. I ignore them, glad that I don't recognize
any faces there. “Because I'm yours?” I ask him when he
doesn't respond right away.

“
Exactly,”
Ty says and then sighs. “Never, I don't know much about this
whole girlfriend thing, but I do know that I don't like you hanging
out with other guys.” I freeze and the air escapes my lungs in
a whoosh. Did he just say
girlfriend?
Did Ty McCabe just say
that word? Why? How? I move the phone away from my ear and take a
deep breath before I speak.

“
I
don't know what to say,” I admit.

“
You
don't have to say anything,” he tells me with a sigh that
matches my own. “And you don't have to do anything different.
I'm not the kind of guy that wants to chain chicks up in his basement
or pound my chest like some kind of testosterone fueled alpha male,
but I … ” Ty pauses and the silence is poignant and
important, a memory that I mark for remembrance. I don't know why,
it's just one of those historical moments in life that you don't
appreciate until they're over.

“
But?”
I prompt and Ty laughs softly.

“
But
I want to drive over there and beat the shit out of Noah Scott.”
I laugh, too, and then there are tears in my eyes because all I
really want to do is drive back to my mother's house and see Ty. I
know in my heart that that isn't right. I
have
to see Noah
Scott and find out. I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm finding, but
I know I have to search anyway. When I find what I'm looking for,
I'll know. “Just … don't do anything you'll regret,
okay?” Ty says and then he hangs up. What he really means is,
Don't sleep with him.
I can read that message loud and clear.
In fact, it might as well be written in blood against the moon's
pale surface. And I'm not. I'm not going to sleep with Noah Scott,
not when Ty is sitting on an old wooden porch smoking a cigarette and
thinking of me and only me.

I
stuff my phone back in my pocket, turn around, and head straight for
the door of the Dairy Queen. My eyesight becomes focused to a narrow
point in front of me, locked onto a blonde head and blue eyes, a face
that's tanned from the sun and a smile as sweet as rain.

Noah
Scott is reading a book and basking in the smell of grease and French
fries and noise. He always liked noise. Noah Scott is a people
person. He's sweet and he's kind and he knows things other people
don't. Noah could put me on the straight and narrow, clean me up,
change me, but then, Ty already has. Dirty boy Ty McCabe has done
more for me than Noah Scott ever has. I pause next to the table and
slide my nails down the pages of Noah's book so that he's forced to
tear himself away from the words and look up at me.

One.
Two. Three.
Time trickles away from us as the smile I've
plastered on my face starts to fade.

“
She
Lies Twisted
?” I ask, inquiring after Noah's book. It's a
dark title with a pain that matches my own. I have a coverless,
wrinkled copy under my bed in the dorms. I've read it a hundred
times sore and then I find Noah Scott with it wrapped in in his
hands, and what am I supposed to think? He's staring at me like I'm
a ghost, like he can't believe I'm standing there in the bright
lights of the Dairy Queen with laughter a steady backdrop behind me.

“
Never
… ” Noah whispers before he drops the book, stands up
and throws his arms around me. Noah Scott squeezes me tight, and I
start to cry. Again. I guess I won't stop until I'm done bleeding
all of my pain and hate and anger from my eyes. Once it's all gone,
maybe then I can look at the people from my past with dry eyes and a
true smile, one that's as real as the dimpled grin that Ty McCabe
has. Noah hugs me so hard that I can barely breathe. He's warm and
he smells good, like flowers or a spring brook or something. He's
light and soft and the complete opposite of Ty.

After
a moment, Noah steps back and looks at me with the slightest hint of
tears in his pretty, blue eyes. He holds me at arm's length and just
stares like he's the luckiest man in the world.

“
I
can't believe it's you,” Noah whispers as he drops his arms to
his sides and shakes his head.

“
I
got your text,” I croak out as I lower my gaze to the floor.
It's all I can say.

“
Yeah?”
Noah asks and then, “God, I've been missing you like crazy.”
My head snaps up and my heart begins to thump. When Noah reaches
out and touches my face, runs his thumb along my jaw, I know I'm in
trouble.

I'm
in love with Ty McCabe. I was once in love with Noah Scott.

Talk
about a rock and a hard place.

12

“
God,
I just … wow.” Noah Scott runs his hand through his
pretty blonde hair. It's so shiny and perfect, like he just stepped
out of a shampoo commercial or something. “I don't know what
to say,” he admits as he looks me up and down and, apparently,
approves of what he sees. “You're even more beautiful than I
remember,” he tells me, and I blush. I. Blush. Me. Never
Ross, the whore from the Northwest, the girl with the broken heart,
and the parade of faceless guys she doesn't remember. What the fuck?

“
I
… ” That's all I have. Just that one word. Just
I.

“
I
can't believe you're here,” he says as he steps back and holds
his hands out, palms up, to indicate my person. Noah's blue eyes are
sparkling, clear as glass, bright and happy and cheerful. I can see
right through him, see that he's a good guy with a kind heart and
fluffy, candy coated dreams. Noah Scott and Ty McCabe would not get
along very well. “I have so many questions,” he begins
and then I see something interesting, a glimmer of dark pain. Noah
Scott is very good at hiding it, but it's there, and it's all because
of me. Shit. “I want to ask you a million things and tell you
a million more, but I … okay.” Noah takes a deep breath
and smiles. “Are you hungry?” he asks. “You look
hungry. Let me get you something to eat, okay?”

“
Okay.”
It takes me a whole lot of effort to speak that word. Noah grabs my
hand and my fingers tingle just a bit, like I can see them being
coated with fairy dust or something.
Noah. Noah Scott. My Noah.
The guy who asked me out in the middle of a math test with a note,
the guy who didn't think it was lame to kiss me in front of the whole
school on Valentine's day, the guy who moved gently inside of me my
first time, who kissed away my fears and showed me a brief glimpse of
what love could be.
I start to panic. “Noah,” I
gasp, and he pauses to look back at me. His eyes are wide, like he
needs to keep them open, so he can see me clearly, so that I won't
flicker and disappear, some evanescent memory that fades at the touch
of the sun, just a bit of moonlight. I choke on my own saliva and
wrench my hand from his. “Just a second, just one second.”
I stumble to the bathroom and Noah follows. People are looking at
us now and whispering. I think maybe they've just recognized me. I
hit the girls' bathroom and step inside, closing and locking the door
behind me. Luckily, it's not a set of stalls, just a single toilet
that I have all to myself. I sit down on the floor and pull out my
phone. I don't know who to call. Who do I have that I can rely on?
That I can tell secrets to? I think frantically and decide there is
only one person besides Ty McCabe that I'm not related to that might
be able to help.

I
call Lacey.

She
picks up on the third ring and starts to talk.

“
Hey
Nev! I texted Ty to ask how you were taking things and he said you
were with Noah. Is he still cute? Are you into him?”

“
Lacey,
stop,” I say, and she does. She goes quiet, and she just
listens. “Help me.”

“
Are
you in trouble?” she asks, and her voice is fearful like it was
the day at the convenience store, the day she thought some prick was
going to force himself inside of her. The memory makes my vision go
red, and I have to clamp down on my rage. Because Ty was there, he
and I were able to save Lacey. She's okay, so there's no need for me
to add even more emotions to the boiling pot I've already got on my
stove.

“
I
think so,” I say. And then, “No.” I consider
hanging up but can't. “I love Ty.” Lacey doesn't speak,
but I can hear her breathing. “I don't know about Noah Scott.
I thought I could see his face and say
no,
but I can't. I
can't. I just can't. I want to talk to him, find out where he's
been and what he's doing, but most of all, I want to know how he
feels about me. Is that normal?” I can seriously hear Lacey
smiling on the other end of the line.

“
Never,
don't beat yourself up. Of course you want to see Noah. He was your
first boyfriend, and let's face it, you didn't break up with him.
You didn't fall out of love or have a fight or catch him cheating, so
you're still connected in a way. You might always be connected.
What you're going to have to do, and what I don't envy you for, is
you're going to have to make a choice.”