Finding Parker (20 page)

I had never heard Kenton curse that I could recall. I wasn’t really ready to talk to Downes regarding this matter, I felt as if there needed to be more one on one time with Kenton. Although I was proud of what Victoria and I had and how I felt, I wasn’t prepared to tell the world, at least not just yet. Kenton, on the other hand, obviously felt much differently.

“No. No Downes.
Not yet
, Kenton,” I shook my head lightly as I stood from my seat.

I no more than spoke, and Downes rushed into the room.

“What is it, Mr. Ward?” his eyes darted throughout the room as if they were on swivels.

“False alarm,” Kenton huffed.

With all of the bouncing, Kenton was clearly out of breath. Still in shock over the cursing, screaming, Kenton’s level of excitement, and not being certain of what his actual thoughts were regarding my announcement, I stood nervously and smiled.

“Mr. Ward? I think I’ll go see a movie if it’s alright,” Downes raised his eyebrows and spoke in a stern tone.

“Oh Christ, seriously? Uhhm. Jesus, Downes, my memory has escaped me…,” Kenton paused, placed his hands on his thighs, and stared at the floor.

Still heaving for his next breath, Kenton looked up and smiled, “
Five Easy Pieces
.”

“Very well. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” Downes sighed, turned toward me, and smiled.

After Downes exited the room, Kenton rolled his eyes and sat down into his chair as he attempted to catch his breath. As his breathing slowed, he took a deep breath, exhaled, and grinned. Confused, I stood and stared at Kenton.

“At Downes insistence, we agreed to have a phrase only he and I would know. If he asked and I didn’t provide the answer, he would know I was in truly in trouble. With all of the screaming and such, I’m certain he developed wonder. Okay, where were we?” Kenton asked as he began to rub his palms together.

I walked to the loveseat and lowered myself into the cushion. Proudly, I sat up in my seat and arched my back. After clearing my throat lightly and pausing for effect, I spoke.

“I said I wanted to marry Victoria.”

He looked down into his lap and raised his hands to his face. After a moment, he looked up and used his index finger to wipe tears from his face. After alternating from cheek to cheek several times, he stopped crying and wiped his hands on his shorts.

“My apologies for the outburst earlier, I was excited. Now that things have settled, let me see,” he hesitated and rubbed his palms back and forth rapidly.

“Fatherly advice. You need fatherly advice. Let me collect my wits. Dear God, I’m making a fool of myself. Parker, you’ve made me a mess,” he sighed as he stood from his chair.

Slowly and methodically, he began to pace the room.

“Something as sacred as marriage should always be done as a result of what one feels in their heart, and never out of feelings of necessity or sorrow,” he stopped pacing and looked in my direction.

“I love her, Kenton. That will never change. It won’t fade, either. I’m certain,” I responded proudly.

“Splendid, she’s a fine woman. None finer, I’ll say. Not a one,” he smiled.

He began to pace again as he thought.

“Although in this day and age people seem to view it differently, marriage is a commitment for life, Parker. The union between the two of you will never be perfect. There will be times when you’ll naturally want to walk out. Throw in the towel, so to speak. Everyone has them,” he stopped pacing and raised his hand to his chin.

As he rubbed his chin between his index finger and thumb, he began to speak again.

“Surrender in marriage is not an option, Parker. It’s certainly not. Communication is instrumental for a relationship to flourish. You must help her come to understand there will never be anything short of an open line of communication between you. No repercussion for speaking one’s mind, ever.”

“Understood, and I agree,” I nodded.

“Monogamy, Parker. A monogamous relationship is the only relationship that has the ability to last. If you stray from this marriage, mark my words, I’ll…” his voice filled with anger as he spoke.

“It’ll never happen. You have my word,” I interrupted before he finished speaking.

“When a man gives his word, he holds the world’s perception of himself in his own palm,” he faced me and pressed his hands into the pockets of his shorts.

“Kenton, she’s the one,” I hesitated and thought of the analogy Kenton had told me several months prior regarding playing cards.

I stood from my seat and cleared my throat. Kenton continued to stand in the center of the room, his hands pressed deeply into the pockets of his shorts. As I stood from my seat, he tilted his hear rearward and waited for what I chose to stand and offer him. I lowered the tone of my voice and attempted to mimic Kenton.

“You must know, and know you must, when to hold your cards close to your chest and say,
I’ll risk it all
. Being so certain that what you’re holding is
right
. That it is, without a doubt, the clear winner. So sure that you’re willing to risk it all, everything you have,
knowing
you have a winner in your hands,” I paused and smiled.

“Kenton,
I’m all in
. I’m willing to bet it all. And rest assured, I’ll treat her with nothing but honor,” I said proudly.

“When a man treats a woman with honor, it is a testament to the honor of the woman who raised him. I’m sorry I never had an opportunity to meet your grandmother. You make me proud, son,” he said as he opened his arms.

As I opened my arms and stepped toward him, he lurched forward and lifted me from my feet.

“May I go with you to pick out the ring?” he asked as he squeezed me tightly in his arms.

“I suppose so,” I coughed as he patted me sharply on the back with his hand.

As he broke the embrace, he raised his hand to his face again, wiping a tear from his cheek. To my surprise, I had yet to shed a tear during this discussion. Remarkably, it had gone much better than expected.

“May I call Downes, now?” Kenton asked.

“Absolutely,” I smiled.

“Downes,” Kenton hollered.

After a brief wait, Downes stepped into the room.

“Pull the B7 from the garage, please,” Kenton smiled.

“The B7, Mr. Ward?” Downes asked.

Kenton nodded eagerly, “Yes sir.”

I knew enough about Kenton and his cars to know the B7 was his prized possession as far as cars were concerned. It was a two year old BMW sedan which he had only driven roughly one thousand miles over the course of his ownership. The car cost approximately one hundred and sixty thousand dollars new. To say he drove the car on special occasions was an understatement.

“Special occasion, Mr. Ward?” Downes asked.

Kenton looked my direction and raised his eyebrows slightly. I nodded my head once, authorizing him to make the announcement.

“We’ll be shopping for a ring, Downes, of the diamond variety. And to be honest, I’m too damned excited to drive. Care to?” Kenton asked as he pushed his hands into the pockets of his shorts.

“I’d be honored,” Downes nodded his head toward Kenton then turned my direction, “I couldn’t be more pleased, Mr. Bale.”

“Thank you,” I smiled.

As Downes walked from the room to retrieve the car, Kenton continued to nervously pace back and forth across the floor.

“Have you decided when and where you’ll propose?” he asked.

I smiled and nodded my head eagerly.

“I have an idea and I think it just might be perfect…”

“Do tell,” he said, his voice filled with excitement.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” I smiled.

And soon enough he would.

VICTORIA.
As a child, I couldn’t compare myself to other girls, because I wasn’t
like
other girls. From the time I was a young, I always stood out as being different – stronger, unafraid, faster, taller, more able, and unwilling to accept the phrase
I am a girl
as an ending to any type of sentence that started with
I can’t because
.

I have never been afraid of the dark, had any fears or suffered from any phobias that I can recall. Clowns, spiders, snakes, and bugs have never caused me to scream and run the other direction. Many times I’ve seen girls or women scream toward the closest available male
well, do something with it!
when they encountered a bug, spider or snake. I never had the luxury of being able to ask someone to
do something with
a bug or spider.

I’m sure I had one as a child and simply can’t remember, but I have no actual recollection of ever having a nightmare or bad dream. My nights in bed have always been filled with somewhat peaceful thoughts of tomorrow, and what might be required of me to get through it without fault or failure. If for some reason I failed, I knew the only person I could blame was me. As a result, I was not only my worst critic, I was my only critic.

And critical of myself I became.

Now, as an adult, I am confident I am as strong of a woman as could ever exist. If it can be done, I can do it. If anyone is able to endure it, I am able to endure it. No other woman is more capable than I, this I know to be true.

I now lay in bed using every ounce of courage I possess to assist in my becoming stoic.

Until tomorrow.

Tonight, as the silence pressed into my chest like a heavy weight, I found it more difficult to continue to breathe. A lifetime of a blaring television I once viewed as an annoyance I would now welcome as if it were the softest music to my ears. The screams of
Victoria I need more pills
,
I’m in pain
which caused me to roll my eyes in agony as I searched the streets for a black market substitute, I now yearn to hear.

I realize my mother is gone, and although I accept it as being just what it is, I am finding it troublesome to live with the
change
. A lifetime of repetition doesn’t necessarily make accepting change impossible, but without a doubt I have found it to be challenging.

My time away from Parker is time I have found increasingly difficult to live with. Being without him at my side is a simple reminder I have no desire to live my life alone. In some respects my mother’s departure from this earth freed me, and now I yearn to be captured.

Snatched from my life of silence and kept safe from any further changes for a lifetime of lifetimes.

I feel if I expressed my desire to spend all of my available time with Parker
to Parker
it would cause him to view me as weak and incapable. As a result, I lie in silence and wait for something to startle me from my current state of desire.

Anything.

One moment of unwelcomed silence is more disheartening than a lifetime of incessant screaming.

And the silence deafens me.

PARKER.
We’d spent the entire trip to the jeweler discussing the intricacies of a diamond. I had received quite a lesson from Kenton regarding the four C’s of a diamond; cut, color, clarity, and carat weight. After his best effort to explain everything in detail, he insisted he do the all of speaking at the jewelers, to which I conceded. It was further agreed although he may do the negotiating, I’d certainly choose the diamond ring I personally preferred and felt I could afford.

Considering Kenton’s chattering like a chipmunk for the extent of the drive, it was apparent he was far more excited about my proposing to Victoria than I ever would have expected. In the short walk from the parking garage to the jeweler, Kenton’s pace was twice the speed of what Downes and I were walking.

“Christ, you two. Come on. We haven’t got all damned day,” he grinned as he all but skipped down the sidewalk.

As we rounded the corner and approached the entrance, Kenton burst through the doors as if he were walking into a saloon in an old western movie.

“I thought we’d go to
Robbins Brothers
. I don’t know that I have any business in here,” I gasped as we entered the
Harold Stevens
Jewelry Studio
. 

Kenton stopped walking and turned toward me, “
Robbins Brothers
? Does a true gentlemen take his wife to
McDonald’s
for a meal to celebrate their anniversary?”

“No sir,” I responded as I looked toward the display cases.

“That place is a chain store. Like
McDonald’s
or
Taco Bell
. As you’ve assured me, this is a once in a lifetime event, so you’re going to want a once in a lifetime diamond,” Kenton shook his head in disbelief as we stood inside the doorway.

“Now let’s have a look, shall we?” Kenton said as he motioned toward the well-lighted cases full of jewelry.

“Welcome to
Harold Stevens Jewelers
, My name is Ryan, how can I assist you gentlemen?” the man behind the counter asked as we approached.