Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (12 page)

“Blake.”

She whispers my name just before I begin to kiss her lips and make my way to her neck.

“Kayla.” As I whisper her name back to her, even I hear the need in my voice. From the moment, I saw her, I wondered what it would be like. Then when I first kissed her, I wondered how much better it would be. Now, in this moment, as I slowly pull her shirt off, I know there would have been no way I would have been able to even picture it being this good.

Her hands move to the hem of my shirt. As she's pushing my shirt up, she's running her hands lightly on my skin and I'm done for.

Somehow things moved quickly and slowly at the same time, but one thing was for sure. It will never be like this again. I'll never feel this complete or whole again. Now more than ever, as we come apart together, I know she's it for me. But even though I know that, I know she's not ready to hear it.

As we express our intense connection in the most intimate of ways, I wonder, for a moment, what it'd be like to fall asleep with her now, skin to skin, heart to rapidly beating heart. Sadly, I know we can't do that, but what a thought it was.

We lay here together, holding each other trying to catch our breath. I don’t think any moment in my life will ever be better than this moment with her. The sound of the radio floats into the room and it’s calming and peaceful.

Kayla breaks the silence. “I love this song.”

I listen carefully. Anything she loves I need to know about. I know this song and I think it’s perfect for this moment.
When I’m With You
by Sheriff is playing. I start to softly sing along with the song in her ear.

“Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun. Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone. Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you.” She giggles at me and I smile against her neck. This girl completes my life. I can’t ever let her go.

Kayla

I’ve never felt so satisfied. I’m relaxed because being in Blake’s arms feels so right. He’s so sweet and tender. I could lay here forever. I’ve never even thought of doing something like this. As I lay here and think of the ramifications of what we have done, I wonder if I should have given in to my desire. Blake didn’t pressure me. In fact, he tried to stop it more than once.

I was raised to believe this is something that is only shared between a husband and wife. I do believe that with all of my heart. This isn’t something a nice girl raised in the south is supposed to do. I’m feeling a little panicked at the moment. I know this is what I wanted, however I can’t help, but feel it was wrong.

“Don’t overthink this Kayla. I can see that your brain is working in overdrive. Don’t ruin this. That was the most perfect moment of my life. I’m falling for you Kayla and I can’t even imagine ever letting you go. So stop, just stop. Please. It’s okay, baby.”

He kisses my neck again and pulls me to his side. I lay my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. His breathing is much calmer now and he lets out a content sigh. Closing my eyes, I feel myself slowly sinking back into him. It would be amazing to just sleep right here all night. However, I know that can't happen because I have to be back to Tessa's mom's soon.

“I’d like to take you to lunch tomorrow. Can I pick you up at one o’clock? I’d say earlier, although I’m sure you’ll want to get some sleep.”

“Hmm. I guess that’ll be alright. I mean I don’t think Tessa will mind.”

I’m not sure how Tessa is going to react to this news. This is so out of character for me. It’s not how I was brought up. Actually, I worry that I've lost my mind. Or maybe under some kind of crazy spell. When I'm around Blake, all rational thought seems to be lost, never to be found again… Until I'm alone, I think to myself.

“Good. I wish I could spend every minute of the day with you.”

This man is so sweet. I don’t even see the guy that everyone talks about. All I see is the man that is kind, considerate, caring, and protective. I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen for him in just the couple of days I’ve known him. No one has ever made me feel the way he just did. I didn’t know it could be like that. It was the way I’ve always read about in my romance novels. It was, for lack of better words, magical. How could that ever be topped?

“Me too, Blake. I hate to say it, but I should probably get back.” I kiss him on his cheek and move to sit up. He pulls me back down on top of him and hugs me.

“You amaze me. I never knew I could feel this way about another person. You’ve awakened something in me that I didn’t even know was there and now that I know it exists. I don’t ever want to lose it.”

I take in a shaky breath. What am I supposed to say to that? I decide it is best not to say anything right now. Instead, I climb off of the bed, quickly getting dressed. Blake does the same, but stops, pulling me into a hug.

Wrapping my arms around his back, I lay my head on his chest with my ear over his heart listening to the strong steady beat. My breathing now matching his makes it feel as if we are one. It scares me that I can have such intense, crazy feelings for someone I barely know, however at this moment I feel a peace I’ve never felt before. He releases me grabbing his shoes, sitting on the edge of the bed and slipping them on. I watch in awe of this man and what he can make me feel. Getting up, he looks down at me and smiles sweetly.

“You ready?”

No, it’s too soon. I don’t want to leave you.
Is what I want to say, however, I answer simply with a, “Yes.”

Leaving the apartment, we make it to his truck where he helps me in, then goes around to get in. Starting the truck he looks at me, his eyes full of kindness and longing. Smiling at me he reaches for my hand, he takes it in his, then continues to hold it for the whole ride back.

He pulls to the side of the street down from Tessa’s moms and turns the truck off. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to walk you back to the house.”

I can’t let him do that. What if someone sees him? “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Blake.”

“Kayla. It is three in the morning. I’m not letting you walk back in the dark by yourself. I’m going to make sure you get back in safely.”

Well, I can’t say no to that. “Okay then.”

As we walk back to the house he pulls me to his side and I lay my head on his shoulder. When we get to the window, Blake looks at me. I know what he’s thinking.

“Yes, that’s the window I crawled out of and now I’m going to crawl back in.”

He laughs. “I’ll help you then.”

He gets down on his knees and raises the window. He leans in and looks into the bathroom.

“Looks like Tessa gave you a nice soft place to fall.”

I kneel on the ground beside him and lean in the window. I start giggling, but quickly stop so I don’t wake anyone up.

“Thank goodness. Maybe I won’t get hurt after all.” I think he knows I’m talking about more than just falling into the window. Looking into his eyes, I give him a sad smile.

“I’d never hurt you, Kayla.”

I believe that he would never hurt me on purpose. I knew going into this that someone was going to get hurt no matter how it all turned out. Will I hurt him in the end? He leans over and kisses me.

“Tonight was very special to me. Please don’t think any different.”

“I know. It was for me too.”

He smiles at me and I just melt. He’s wearing jeans and a tight white t-shirt. I’ve always believed that a white t-shirt is one of the sexiest things a guy can wear, seeing Blake and the way he looks in it, completely confirms that belief for me.

“Let’s get you inside so you can get some rest. I’ll be here around one o’clock to take you to lunch.”

Nodding, I crawl over to the window. Taking off my flip flops, I turn and lay on my stomach, putting my feet through the window. Blake takes my shoes and throws them on the bathroom floor. He holds onto my hands and I gently slide down. He lies on his stomach facing me and kisses me and I kiss him back.

The butterflies are still there. My heart races just as strongly as it did the first time he spoke to me. He has come to mean so much to me in the last couple of days. I sigh, because I wish it could last longer. I wish everything could be different for us.

I make the final drop into the bathroom and blow him a kiss as he lowers the window. He blows one back to me and gives me that cocky grin and raises his eyebrows up and down. All I can do is shake my head. He really is cocky, but for every ounce of cocky he is, he is just as much a gentleman or at least to me he is. I watch him leave until I can’t see his feet anymore.

My chest aches to have him back with me. Picking up the pillows and blankets, I make my way back upstairs to Tessa’s room. I can’t wait to talk to her about my night. We will need to have one of our talks, to help me figure out what I should do next.

Jolting awake, it’s still dark in the room and Tessa is still asleep. Breathing hard as if I've had this terrible dream, but can't remember. Resting my head back on my pillow, wondering what woke me up. Then I think about being with Blake only a few hours ago.
What have I done?
I start to panic. What does he think of me now? What do I think of myself?

The guilt is overwhelming. I just went against everything I have ever been taught. I just gave myself to someone that I don’t even know.
How could I have done that?
What makes it even worse is I’m technically still engaged. How could I have let myself get so carried away? I’ve only been with one other person in my life and I promised to marry him. What I did was wrong, no matter how I look it.

This is my fault, all of it. Blake tried to stop it. He didn’t pressure me. It was completely my decision and at the time I made it, it was exactly what I wanted, but now that my head is clear and I can think, the guilt is so bad I can’t breathe.

I promised Blake a week, but I can’t give him that. I can’t see him again. At least not until I have broken off things in person with David. Oh no, he’s supposed to be here to pick me up for lunch at one. With the fear of falling back under his spell looming, I know I can't see him again. My only option is to send Tessa out to tell him that I can't see him anymore. He'll give up. Blake won't want to deal with all this. Considering what happened last night, I'm sure he'll just go and find someone else. Someone less complicated than me. It’s not like we have some kind of relationship. Besides, how can I face him after sleeping with him so quickly? He probably thinks I do this all the time, that I’m that type of girl. I rub my hands down my face.

What we shared was so wonderful and now all I can see is my shame. This is just too much for me to deal with. I lay awake and pray for the sun to come up and for God’s forgiveness for making such a bad decision. No matter how I look at it, I made a bad choice. In a single decision, I made my life so much more complicated than it was. Not because of Blake, but because of me and the fact that I obviously have no control over myself and my thoughts when I'm near him.

The sun finally breaks through the blinds and Tessa wakes up. I’ve gotten basically no sleep. I hate that I’m feeling this way. I hate that my mind has turned something that was special last night into something that I’m feeling terrible about now. I need my best friend to help me figure this out.

“Good morning. What time did you get home?” She asks.

I can’t help it the tears that I have been shedding in silence all night flood my eyes and sobs take over. Tessa is on my bed in an instant.

“What’s wrong Kayla? Did he hurt you?”

“No.” I look up at her and shake my head no over and over. “He didn’t do anything wrong. I did things I shouldn’t have done. I made decisions that I shouldn’t have. I’ve messed everything up. Tessa, what am I going to do? I can’t see him anymore. It’s just wrong, no matter how much I want to be with him I can’t see him. He’s going to be here at one o’clock to pick me up to take me to lunch. You have to go out there and tell him I can’t see him.”

“Kayla, tell me exactly what happened.”

She is sitting right next to me and I am resting my head on her shoulder. She is running her hand up and down my arm in a comforting way. I tell her everything. Even, how it was more me than him that wanted more last night. I told her about me waking up and the guilt that is killing me. My grandmother would be so disappointed in me. This is not the way she raised me to be. I don’t even want to think about it. Tessa listens to everything and is just watching me with love and concern in her eyes.

“Quit beating yourself up Kayla. We all do things that we shouldn’t at one time or another, but sweetie it sounds like this was something you really wanted and it was special for both of you. Do you really think that Blake is just going to walk away without you talking to him and giving him an explanation?”

“I can’t see him. I’m just too embarrassed. If he is like every other guy, he will walk away without any problem.”

She presses her lips together and sits quietly before she speaks. “I’ll do whatever you want me to do, but I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as you think it is. As far as you, being engaged, I’m pretty sure that’s shot to hell now. Besides, you’re ending that. Like I said before, Blake strikes me as a guy who always gets what he wants and doesn’t give up until he does. And now more than ever I’m sure you are who he wants.”