Finding Purgatory (28 page)

Ani kissed her forehead. “Call me if you need me. It doesn’t matter what time.”

Her sister wasn’t out the door before Tori’s eyes found her baby again. She twisted the scratchy hospital blanket between her fingers, wondering for the millionth time if she was doing the right thing.

Raphe sat on the edge of her bed. Tori was distracted by the goofy and gorgeous grin he had been wearing since he first laid eyes on his daughter. He held the baby in one arm and traced her miniature features with the pad of his finger. He glanced at the clock.

“Well, little girl. You are officially two hours and twenty-three minutes old. What are your thoughts so far? I know this room isn’t impressive. There aren’t a lot of nice things to look at in a hospital room, but you can’t focus anyway, so don’t be such a snob.”

Tori snorted. “You’re ri-goddamn-diculous, you know that?”

He stood again and settled into the chair beside the bed. He smiled at his daughter. “For your information, all this crazy hair—” he ran his finger over the tufts of dark hair that peeked out from underneath her knit green cap “—is your mother’s fault. I was bald as Mr. Clean when I was born.”

Tori touched the fine hair, proud she might have passed on anything to the baby. The little girl was the most amazing thing she’d ever seen, and Tori was a part of her.

“You really haven’t thought of any names?” she asked.

“I wanted us to decide together,” he said.

“But you must have thought about it. Tell me.”

“I like Carina because it means love. And Gabriela because it was my grandmother’s name, and I’ve always thought it was beautiful.”

Tori turned those names over in her head. “Carina Gabriela Diego,” she said, trying it out. “I like that.”

Raphe looked startled. “Really?”

“Yeah.” She drew her finger down her sleeping daughter’s arm. “Carina. Carí.” Tori leaned on the
r
, making the sound more like Raphe’s light Mexican accent rather than the Americanized version. She looked up at him with a shy smile. “Okay?”

His grin was blinding. “Yeah. That’s perfect.” He looked back to the baby in his arms, bringing her up so he could kiss her. “Welcome to the world,
mi hija Carina bonita
.” He stood, his expression tender. “Thank you,
chiquita
. Thank you.” He kissed Tori.

Tori was beginning to believe happiness existed. They were quick flashes, and she didn’t trust they could last, but she was learning to enjoy what she got.

In that moment, with Raphe’s adoring kiss and their baby warm between them, all was right in the world.

Chapter 28: Finding Purgatory

“I
’m pretty sure you’re the most spoiled baby in history, Carí. Look at that tree. If you can roll over, you can see all your presents. Now that’s incentive.”

Almost three and a half months after their daughter’s birth, the way Raphe was with her had yet to stop amusing Tori. The boy was a goner for his kid.

“Look,
mija
.” He rolled over from his back to his belly. “You can do it. Like Daddy.”

Carí would not be cajoled. She was content on her back, staring up at her father as she blew spit bubbles and cooed.

Raphe’s ease with their baby made Tori jealous. Even though Carí spent most nights with her and Ani, Raphe came over early in the morning and often left late, fitting in work and the one class he’d kept for the semester in between. The baby just seemed happier when Raphe was around, which he told her was ridiculous. Carí, he claimed, was just as happy and excitable around Tori as she was with him.

It was just that Tori had yet to figure out the whole motherhood gig. The first six weeks had been hellish even with Ani helping and Raphe camping out in the guest bedroom. More than once, Tori had been reduced to tears with the sick sensation she’d backed herself into a corner she couldn’t escape. Ani said every mother felt unfit and unprepared, but Tori remained unconvinced. She was never as comfortable with the baby as Raphe.

Raphe gathered the baby into his arms and got to his feet. “Okay, stubborn one. You’re so like your momma. If you won’t roll over, how about a smile? Will you smile for Daddy?” He tickled her tummy, and Carí gifted him with a slobbery baby grin. Delighted, Raphe peppered her face with kisses. “You’re good to me,
mija
.”

Tori rolled her eyes. “You tickled her. That’s cheating.”

Raphe winked at her before he gave Carí one more daddy-sized smooch. Then he passed the baby to Tori.

“Put her in the bouncy thing,” Tori said, but even as she protested, she shifted Carí into a more secure position in her arms.

Raphe fixed her with a look. “You’ve got her.”

She always expected Carí to start crying. Tori shifted the baby to her shoulder, watching warily, but her daughter remained just as happy in her arms as she had been in Raphe’s.

“See?” He sounded smug, and Tori felt a prickle of irritation. She defrosted a moment later when he cupped his hand over her elbow, guiding her forward for a lingering kiss. “I’ll be back after my shift.”

It sucked to watch him walk out the door. She pushed onto her tiptoes and kissed him again. “Hurry up and leave so you can get back quicker.”

His smile warmed her, and he gave her one last peck on the cheek before he was gone.

Raphe kept his promise not to push her. He kissed her when the mood struck him—sweet kisses that weren’t meant to lead anywhere Tori wasn’t ready to go yet. When she took initiative and kissed him, his grin could have lit the moon. Still getting into the swing of parenthood, they hadn’t had time to date. They made do with weekends spent curled together on the couch and stolen moments in between naps. Tori wasn’t convinced it would last, but it wasn’t bad.

Carí squalled, catching her mother’s attention. Tori made a face. “Christ, why do you like spitting so much, hmm?” She wiped at the baby’s mouth with her sleeve. “It can’t be comfortable.” She sat cross-legged on the floor and laid the baby across her knees. Carí waved her fisted hands, making baby noises.

It was strange how just watching her move could be so fascinating. Carí looked back at her and smiled, kicking her feet with a happy cry.

Tori caught her daughter’s flailing hands and let Carí’s chubby fingers curl around two of hers. “Why do you look at me like that, Carina? Don’t you know I’m bound to mess this up for you? I have to tell you, kid, it’s a weird thing to think about something lasting the rest of my life. That’s how long I’m going to be your mom. Lucky you, huh?”

Carí yawned, unconcerned.

They were only alone for a few minutes before the doorbell rang. Tori opened the door to find Indy, baby Jett, and Brooklyn on the other side. Brook’s face lit up, and she held her arms out for Carí. Tori rolled her eyes as she handed her daughter over. “Nice to see you too, B.”

Brook spared a grin for her friend, but then she bounced into the house communing with the baby in the high-pitched nonsense-talk Tori wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else.

“Carí’s smoothing out,” Indy said as they settled in the living room.

“Yeah. I told her the wrinkled look wasn’t doing her any favors. I’m all for personal fashion sense, but this is much cuter.”

“Ah, don’t listen to your mom, Carí. You were always cute.” Brook lifted the baby to her face for a butterfly kiss. She pouted. “Look, I’m the only one who doesn’t have one of these.”

Tori shuddered. “I should have brought you with me when I gave birth to her. That would have scared you straight, and you’d never touch a guy, ever, ever, ever.”

“You didn’t see yourself right after she was born. I promise, if I ever have a boyfriend, I’ll remember how you looked.”

Tori balked. “What? How did I look?”

Brooklyn just grinned, the picture of innocence as she bounced the baby. “I thought new mothers were supposed to glow.”

“Ha. Try it. No, wait. Don’t. That’s the point.”

The other girls giggled.

Baby Jett stretched in his mother’s arms and grabbed at Carí as he babbled in baby-speak. Indy was charmed. “He likes coming to see her.” Her eyes were bright. “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if they fell in love later?”

“Are you insane? Can she learn to talk, walk, or at least roll over before you start thinking about who she’s going to fall in love with? Besides, that’s some incestuous crap right there.”

Indy looked horrified for a second before her eyebrows knitted together. “No. I’m not actually related to you or Ani.”

Tori just laughed.

When they left, Carí was fast asleep in Tori’s arms. Thinking the baby had the right idea, Tori trudged up to her room. She lay on the bed with her daughter cradled against her chest. She did like this—the way Carí radiated baby heat, her cute snores, and the way her tiny hands curled reflexively in Tori’s shirt. She stroked the fine hairs on her baby’s head as she drowsed.

Tori woke to the bright light of a smart phone’s flash. “Raphe.” She groaned, her hold on Carí tightening out of instinct. “Christ, are you trying to blind me?”

“Sorry. I wanted a picture of my beautiful family looking deceptively angelic.” He pointed at the baby. “That one isn’t crying.” He pointed at Tori. “That one isn’t yelling at me. It’s a miracle.”

Tori pointed at him. “And that one isn’t annoying the hell out of me, pretending he knows everything about babies.”

“I have cousins.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “Scoot.”

Tori held Carí steady with one hand as she made room for Raphe. He climbed into bed with them, his side pressed against Tori’s. He held his phone high. “Pretend you love me,” he said as he tilted his head toward her. He put his hand over hers on Carí’s back.

Tori did him one better. She snuggled against him and kissed his cheek as he snapped a picture of the three of them together. After the flash went off, the room was plunged into darkness again, and Tori was glad Raphe couldn’t see her blush.

“I brought you something from the store,” Raphe said. “I thought about giving it to you for Christmas, but I want you to have it now. I’d show you, but”—he drew his finger down her nose—“I’m very comfortable where I am.”

“What did you bring me?”

“I know you don’t like backpacks, so it’s a messenger bag. A nice one. It would be great for carrying your books and your laptop when you go to class next semester.”

“You’re pushy, you know that?” As January drew closer, Raphe and Ani had been encouraging her to enroll in community college. Tori was undecided, but she knew her window was getting smaller.

“I am pushy, but only because I care about you. You’re smart, Tor. School will be easy for you. Ani and I will help you.”

“I know that.” Tori ran her hand up and down Carí’s back. “We have a baby. I guess I’m stuck with you.”

“Don’t sound so thrilled.”

In the darkness, it was easier to say things she otherwise wouldn’t have. “It feels too good to believe in.”

“What does?”

“Everything. My life. You. Ani. It feels like it’s all going to disappear.”

There was no noise in the room except the creak of the bed as Raphe rolled onto his side. He draped an arm around Tori’s waist and pulled her closer. “There’s no such thing as happily ever after,” he said.

“Great. Thanks.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I tried to bullshit you. Just because some people love to talk about certainty and things lasting forever, doesn’t mean it exists. Life is about rolling with the punches.” He stroked her hair as he spoke. “When you’re with me, with Ani and everyone else, are you happy?”

She ducked her head, hiding in his neck. “When you’re not driving me insane? Yeah.”

“And do you regret keeping Carina?”

“No.”

“That’s all you need to know for sure,
chiquita
. The next punch will come, and we’ll roll with it. Together.”

Happily until the next big thing. It was a more peaceful thought than she would have expected.

“Don’t go home tonight,” she said into his neck.

His arms tightened around her. “Okay.”

For months, Ani found reasons to get out of going to the cemetery with Brenda. Two days before Christmas, she’d run out of excuses.

She tried to convince herself it wasn’t a big deal. They were just setting out poinsettias and flowers. Still, the closer they got to the cemetery, the more jumpy she got. Her face felt clammy to the touch, and she had a hard time concentrating on what everyone else was saying.

With Brenda, Indy, Ian, and baby Jett, there was a crowd around the two headstones. Ani used that excuse to give the rest of the family space. She stood a short distance away, watching them, hoping it was enough to be on the sidelines for now.

She turned back toward the road in time to see Shane drive up. “What are you doing here?” she asked when he got out of his car.

“Rescuing Ian. We’re going to lunch after this.” He squeezed Ani’s shoulder. “He doesn’t like coming here either.”

“I don’t . . .” Ani started, but she thought better of it. “It’s not as hard as it was the first time, but it’s so impersonal.”

Shane nodded. “Ian said there wasn’t anything about a stone slab that reminded him of them. He goes for Brenda’s sake. It makes her feel like she’s doing something for them.”

“He told me Brenda waited for me to show up on the anniversary of their deaths and on their birthdays. She waited all day.”

“You’re here now.” Shane squeezed her shoulder again. His eyes strayed to a spot behind her. Ani turned around to see Jett’s family walking toward them.

Brenda pulled Ani into a tight hug. “Take a minute,” she said, nodding in the direction of the graves. “We’ll take a walk.”

If only to make her mother-in-law happy, Ani shuffled over to Jett and Mara’s graves. It was an awkward moment. What she’d said to Tori months ago was still true—she didn’t believe any part of her husband and daughter was there. If there was an afterlife, she hoped they had better things to do with their time than hang out in a cemetery.

Ani cocked her head as a thought struck her. If there was an afterlife, maybe her husband was just as tortured over the state of
her
life as she’d been with the injustice of his death.