Finding Rebecca: A Novel of Love and the Holocaust (9 page)

“I love Berlin,” Stefan answered with
a tiny sigh. “But this isn’t the Berlin that I knew,” he said as a horde of
school children shifted past them across the platform, dressed in the light
brown uniforms of the Hitler Youth.
 
They stood and watched the children pass and Stefan looked down at
Alexandra again.

She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s no
different than the scouts.” But Stefan didn’t answer and picked up the bags. They
followed beside him as he walked out to a tram, which arrived in a matter of
seconds, and they pushed aboard to make for their hotel. The flags were the
first things Christopher saw. The black swastika, in the white circle on the
red background, lined up to obediently flicker in the wind outside the station
in great 30-foot swathes.

The tram was packed and they stood
with their bags at their feet, holding onto the straps draped down over the
pole above. Alexandra was still smiling. She hadn’t stopped smiling since
they’d arrived. Everything was fascinating and Christopher looked at the people
around them on the tram, studying the expressionless faces of the commuters.
There was a young man, a little older than he, standing about three feet from
him, leaning casually against the window, reading a newspaper. Christopher saw
the drawing on the front and looked up at his father in disgust. Stefan stared
back at him and then at the picture of the overdrawn, plainly Jewish man,
murdering a screaming child, and at the bottom of the page ran the headline,
The Jews are Our Misfortune
. Christopher
stood in front of his sister, between her and the newspaper as the tram
continued.

Uli and Karolina were waiting in the
lobby of the hotel as they arrived. The soon to be married couple stood up to
greet them and Karolina hugged Christopher first. They had never met before.
Christopher had only seen her in faded black and white photographs, and always
with Uli, she and Uli in a restaurant smiling and holding their glasses of beer
and her and Uli on the beach at Wannsee.
 
She was a small woman, with long blond hair and bright blue eyes. She
was pretty. She was young, only five years older than Christopher himself.
Stefan looked like he could have been her father. Christopher hugged Uli,
roughly bashing his shoulder with an open palm until his uncle let him go and
stood back as Uli grasped Alexandra, lifting her into the air. They all stood
back, facing one another. Karolina was first to speak.

“It’s wonderful to meet you all at
last,” she said, her eyes darting from one person to the next. “I’m sure you’re
tired from your journey, but the bad news is that we have a packed afternoon of
sightseeing ahead of us. No time to be tired, I’m afraid. So drop off your bags
upstairs and get back down here. Is that all right, Stefan?”

“Of course it is, Karolina. We are
all so eager to get to know you that we don’t want to wait another minute.”

Christopher heard Karolina’s laugh as
they walked back down the stairs to the lobby and she greeted them again, as if
she hadn’t seen them in a lot longer than the five minutes they had been gone.
Stefan looked at Christopher and laughed as they walked out onto the street to
where Uli was parked. Stefan sat up front with Uli.

“I’ve never been to Jersey, I would
love to, it sounds wonderful, but this must all be quite different,” Karolina
said as the car started.

“Very different,” Christopher answered.

“It’s absolutely wonderful here,”
Alexandra answered. “I never thought there would be anywhere like London, but
this is even more fabulous.”

Christopher knew that the others were
talking as the car moved but none of their words registered with him. He could
only stare out the window at the marvelous city where he might have grown up,
the enormous avenues buzzing with cars and ladies in hats and trams and trains
that he might have known so well, instead of pondering them in amazement as a
tourist. They parked the car and walked to the
Stadtschloss, the royal palace.

“I’d say
this compares pretty well with your Buckingham Palace.” Uli joked as they
beheld it. Christopher looked back at Alexandra who was standing, arms linked
with Karolina. He smiled at them again and then at his father.

They made
their way to Unter den Linden and the Brandenburg Gate, where Uli took his turn
as tour guide. They looked up at the huge structure and the chariot led by four
horses atop of it.

“This is
it, look up at the column of victory. This is the center of the Reich, the
center of the new Germany.” He took Karolina close to him. “This is the symbol
of the new start for all of us,” he looked down at Karolina, who smiled back at
him. “Look back down Unter den Linden, it stretches for as far as the eye can
see.”

Christopher
looked down the wide avenue, the green trees interspersed by the flags of the
party, stretching for miles.

“And look,”
Karolina said. “The changing of the guards, we’re in luck.” Christopher looked
over at the grey uniformed soldiers, stepping in perfect time, their long
rifles on their shoulders.

“I don’t think
I really want to see this,” Stefan said.

Uli looked
back at him. “Okay, Brother, it’s getting towards dinner time anyway. We have
somewhere special to take you.”

It was a
fine evening, warm and clear, and they went to dinner in a café outdoors. There
was dancing on the patio and the music from the live band floated around them
as they ate. Christopher was thinking about Rebecca, and how they could never
be together in this strange and wonderful place, warm and friendly yet
intensely hostile all at the same time. He didn’t know how to feel.

After
dinner, Uli asked Alexandra to dance with him and although she refused he,
dragged her up with him. Karolina turned to Christopher and asked if he
wouldn’t mind if she danced with his father. Christopher shook his head and
smiled as Stefan took her hand and led her out onto the patio. Christopher
watched them dancing as the evening faded into night.

Uli’s wedding was on a beautiful
Saturday but of course, he had insisted on having his bachelor party the night
before. Alexandra stayed with Karolina’s family as Stefan and Christopher
accompanied Uli and a horde of his friends out into the Berlin night, for “one
last night of debauchery”, as Uli himself put it. As 37 year old men, Uli’s
friends seemed to have more interest in talking about their children, or the
wedding the next day, than the debauchery that he had in mind, at least at
first. Christopher found himself sitting at dinner between his father, who
seemed genuinely determined to have a good time, and Uli’s friend Werner,
proudly displaying his swastika badge to signify his membership of the Party.
He was a lawyer, originally from Dresden, and Christopher found himself
speaking to him for the entire dinner.

“So what do you think of Berlin? It’s
quite a city isn’t it?”

“It’s incredible,” Christopher said,
looking first at the Nazi insignia and then into Werner’s brown eyes. “I never
seen anywhere quite like it.”

“It was so different, just a few
short years ago. Before the National Socialists came to power, and while the
Bolshevik threat was still lurking, that was a terrifying time. I’m glad you
weren’t here to see that. I can see why your father wanted you away from here
during that time.”

“We’ve had a wonderful life in
Jersey.”

“I spoke to your father earlier, it
does sound like the most beautiful place, but do you not find yourself
intoxicated by the sheer surge of life in this city?”

“I’m feeling intoxicated by
something,” Christopher replied, and they both laughed.

“This is the most incredible time to
be German. You should come back here and be a part of this revolution. The
Party, we’re trying to change the world, to work for a better future.” His eyes
were on fire, the half smile on his face growing beneath his thick moustache.
“I mean, you don’t have to join the Party. Your uncle says he never will, but
he’s as proud a German as you’ll ever meet.”

“I know.”

But Werner hardly seemed to hear him.
“It’s a revolution all right, a wonderful, bloodless revolution. Look at this
city, everything’s in order again, everything’s clean and the people are back
at work. Finally it’s okay to be proud to be German once more.” Werner looked
at Christopher, most likely for a cue to continue, but Christopher didn’t feel
like giving it to him. He wanted to ask him about Rebecca, and why she could
never be a part of this wonderful society but he didn’t, and instead looked
over at Uli, who was roaring laughing.

“Why do you think he did it? What is
so special about Karolina?” Christopher asked Werner.

Werner smiled and lifted the glass of
beer to his lips. “I think time catches up on all of us sooner or later,
Christopher. You’re young now, but you’ll understand one day. We all marry for
different reasons, some for love, some for money or power, and some, so they
won’t be forgotten or left behind.” He looked at Christopher and then around
the table. “But I’ve met Karolina, several times now. She is a wonderful woman,
and she’ll make Uli very happy.” They looked across at Uli, downing the third
of three straight shots of vodka and laughed.

“Why did you get married Werner?”

“I think a little of each reason, my
friend, a little of each.”

Christopher was sick before his uncle’s wedding, and had to
run out of the church during the ceremony itself, not an easy task considering
he was sitting in the front row. But the day was a huge success and Uli smiled
almost the whole day and Karolina seemed very happy too. She looked beautiful
and Christopher’s father seemed happier than he’d ever been.

Christopher awoke from a dreamless,
dead sleep and immediately felt her beside him. It was the morning after his 20
^th
birthday. He was on his back, she on her side facing away. He lifted up the
sheet and saw the gentle curve of her back as she lay, her legs tucked up so
far as to be almost touching the elbows she held clenched together in front of
her. Her gentle hair was carelessly split over her shoulders, gold against the
light brown of her skin. He had never realized quite how small she was, just
how fragile. He went to reach his hand over to touch her hair but stopped
himself. He drew his hand back and let it fall uselessly onto his belly. She
kicked her legs slightly as she breathed out hard, almost as a snort, and then
drew them back in. Christopher was frozen, unable to leave as they were in his
room in the apartment he shared with his friend Tom. He sat up in the bed, more
as a reflex against the pain than anything else and Sandrine stirred beside
him. She turned over to face him and opened her eyes with a gentle grace he had
never quite seen before.

“Good morning,” she said.

“Good morning,” he replied and it
took everything within him to stop himself finishing the sentence with,
I think you should leave
. He looked down
at her as she smiled up at him but then saw her smile fade. He wanted to be
there with her, wanted to smile back, to feel what she seemed to feel, but he
couldn’t. Christopher came back into the moment and was still looking at
Sandrine. How this beautiful, fun, kind girl filled him with dread was hard to
explain. The letter he had received from Rebecca was on the dresser opposite
them. He wished he could say something, or that she would. The silence in the air
was almost unbearable. She propped her head up on her elbow to face him and all
he could do was get out of the bed. He was naked, standing in front of her, and
pulled a towel over himself.

“How are you feeling today?” he
managed.

“I feel fine, how are you?” she said.
Her voice was flat, almost emotionless.

Christopher looked back at her,
wishing she’d say something more but she just looked back at him and then out
the window. It was a grey day and steady drizzle was licking the windows,
covering them in a thin coat distorting the view outside. “Yeah, I feel
fine.”
 
Christopher opened his mouth
and sat back down on the bed without saying anything. She was looking towards
the window, but not through it, seemingly anything to avoid his eyes. “Listen,
Sandrine, I’m still in shock after hearing some bad news yesterday, you
understand, don’t you?”
 
She pursed
her lips and looked at him, still not talking. He raised his hands to his head
again. There was a knock on the door. Christopher spun his head around. “Yes?”
he said.

“You have a visitor.” It was Tom.
“Your sister’s here to see you.”

Christopher looked back down at the
bed, at Sandrine. “My sister Alexandra is here to…”

“I heard.” Sandrine said. “I will leave
if you just give me a moment to change.”

“Let me go out and talk to her. I’ll
be back. I’m really sorry about this.” She drew her knees up to her chest, the
blanket up to her collarbone and draped down over her sides. She looked up at
him and then away. He pulled on his trousers and sat back down. It took all his
strength to reach out to her, to put his hand on her face but it felt good. Her
skin was warm, smooth and she leaned into his palm. “Sandrine, I’m sorry,
perhaps last night was a mistake, I just don’t know right now.”