Finding Solace (38 page)

 
"You
called me. Of course it’s me. What is wrong, Sadie? You’re awake before
nine."

 
"Funny Tony.
I need you. I'm going to lose it and I
need you." I started to cry and he said he was on his way and then hung
up.

 
A little
while later Tony was walking into my house. He immediately came over and hugged
me.

 
"What
happened?"

 
"Colt."

 
"What
did he do to you? I will destroy him."

 
"No,
no, no. It’s not like that. Colt is already destroyed, Tony. He found out when
he went home that his daughter isn't his. She's five! How could Jamie do that
to him? What is wrong with people? "

 
"Holy shit!
I would say you’re kidding me, but I know
you would never joke about this. You've seen him obviously?"

 
"I just
got back home. I picked him up yesterday and he lost it when we got back to his
house. They took her from him, Tony. He lost custody."

 
"How
can they do that? He's her dad, no matter what."

 
"That's
what I said too, but there's so much more. When he found out that he has been
paying all the bills while the biological father has been living there playing
daddy for the last two years, he lost his shit. He found the dude at his work
and beat the shit out of him. Assault charges were pressed against him. Oh and
when she told him, they were at a park. He left them to go find the guy. On top
of the fact he moved here and left them. They're calling it abandonment. It’s
bad, Tony."

 
"Everything
he did I would’ve done myself. That mother fucker should be shot. I can't
believe Colt didn't kill him. So legally, they are saying he stands no
ground?"

 
"That's
what he said."

 
"I
don't practice family law but I will check into it for him. I know a colleague
of mine that does. I will call her today."

 
"Thank
you so much! I didn't even think about what your job was
,
I just needed my friend."

 
"I know,
Sadie. But I have to tell you, it doesn't sound good. If the courts get
involved..."

 
"They
have. A guardian ad litem told him that Colt would be better off letting their
family mold together since she's so young still."

 
"He's
screwed. If the court already appointed a guardian ad litem to her and she
spoke in favor of the family unit versus Colt, it’s over. He could appeal the
verdict but it will cost him a fortune and in most cases do nothing."

 
"He's
already started the process."

 
"Well
then, we just sit back and wait."

 
"Tony,
he wouldn't speak at all this morning, nothing."

 
"You
have got to give him time. He will come around. If he didn't want space he
would have said so with words, Sadie."

 
"He
wouldn't have given me any space at all if this was me. He's always protected
me or made me feel better. How do I give up on him now?"

 
"You’re
not. You’re letting him heal. He would do this for you. It’s what caring
is all
about. If it will make you feel better, text him.
Don't force him to talk by calling."

 
"That's
a great idea."

 
"I'm full
of them."

 
"That's
why I love you the way I do."

 
"I
gotta
get going, but I love you too, and Sadie, don't push
him. That man is in his own personal hell. Anyone would be if this happened to
them. He needs to fight for
himself
to get better.
Just be there when he's ready."

 
I walked
over to one of my very best friends and hugged him tight.

 
"I
will. Thanks again for being you. I will call you later."

 
Tony started
to leave but then stopped and turned around.

 
"By the
way, those flowers are even more beautiful in person. Don't give up on that one
either."

 
"That's
a whole other conversation."

 
"Yeah,
I don't have time for that one. I will see
ya
later,
Sadie."

 
And then he
was gone.

 
I sat in the
same place I had when Tony left two hours ago. I couldn’t figure out for the
life of me what to write to either of them. I had it, at least I thought I did,
but then I would hover over the send button and eventually erase it. I wasn't
ready to walk away from Ash yet, but I could never walk away from Colt. First I
was desperate to get Ash’s response sent.

 
Me: HEY GOOD
LOOKING! I HAVE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT U ALSO. I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH U. I HAVE
A FRIEND THAT IS GOING THRU SOMETHING AWFUL. I FEEL THE NEED TO BE THERE FOR
HIM. SO I DON'T THINK I WILL HAVE MUCH TIME FOR AN US IF THERE WAS EVER GOING
TO BE ONE. THANK U 4 EVERYTHING

 
Send. Oh
crap, what did I just do? Why isn’t there a fucking take back button on cell
phones!

 
I heard it
come in and was terrified to look. Eventually curiosity won over,

 
Ash: I
UNDERSTAND. BE THERE
4 HIM
. BUT I DON'T GIVE UP THAT
EASY PRINCESS. IT’S JUST NOT MY TIME TO SHINE YET. ITS COMING

 
I didn't
respond. I would love to tell him he shines already, but Colt needs all of my
time.
Now onto Colt.
I was scared to death to say the
wrong thing. I had to do it.

 
Me: U R SO
SPECIAL TO ME. DON'T GIVE UP. U STILL
HAVE
FIGHT IN U
LEFT. WHEN U R READY 4 ME I WILL BE HERE WAITING.

 
Send. It was
done. Now I had no choice but to wait.

CHAPTER
36

 
It
has been two weeks. I had driven by Colt’s house and knocked on the door, no
answer. I went to his work, he hadn’t. I
called,
no
answer. I know Tony told me to leave him be. He had reminded me time and time
again. The need I felt for him was so strong though. I knew he needed me too.
So came the day it ended. I'm not patient. I couldn’t sit back and wait
anymore. I left work and while I drove over to his house I was thinking about
what I was going to say, I didn’t come up with anything. I just wanted to hold
him and tell him it would be okay. When I got there I immediately climbed the
stairs and started wailing on the door. No one answered. The longer I pounded,
the harder it got on my hand. This was not working. I walked back down the
stairs and looked around like I was going to find an answer, and then it came
to me. One look at my car and I knew there was a tire iron in it. I grabbed the
jack and then found the iron. What was crazy is what I planned to do with it.
When I got to the top of the steps I swung with all of my might and broke the
glass panel on the door. I continued to swing, breaking glass everywhere and he
never even came to see what was happening. I reached around the inside until I
found where to unlock the door. When it opened, there was still no reaction
from inside. I started to shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t move forward through
the house. I could not move an inch by choice. My body just started to jerk.
Tears were falling from my eyes and it took me forever to even realize it. This
can't be happening. Please God. Please. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my
phone. I was shaking so bad I couldn’t dial. I used voice dial and called Tony.
It rang. When he picked up, I screamed for him to get over here. I stayed
exactly where I was until Tony was in front of me saying my name over and over
again. I snapped out of my daze long enough to scream again. "Why did I
wait so long? I can't go back there, Tony."

 
"He
might not even be here. Did you think of that?"

 
"No.
(Why didn't I think of that?) Where would he go? He doesn't have a family
anymore."

 
Tony walked
into the house. He came back to the door where I was with his hands in the air.

 
"He's
not here, Sadie. Now you have a door to fix. Good job." He laughed.

 
"It’s
not funny. I was so scared."

 
"I know
you were. It's okay. I’m sure he's fine."

 
All the
sudden we heard a car. I ran out the door and when I saw it was his, I ran down
the steps so fast I tripped. My leg was cut open but I didn’t care. I needed
Colt. I was almost to his car when a girl got out.

 
"Walk
much?" is what I heard come out of her mouth. Then Colt got out.
"Sadie, what are you doing here?" The girl walked around the car and
did everything she could short of have sex with him to show me what was up. He
never shot her down.
Right in front of me.
I have been
worried sick while he has been fucking around. I wanted to kill him myself.

 
"What
am I doing here? You’re fucking kidding me right now, right? I haven’t heard
from you. I have come over, you don't answer the door, I call,
you
don't answer your phone. I go by your
work,
you haven't been in for weeks. No one has seen or heard from you, Colt."

 
"Sounds
like somebody needs to take a hint" came from the bitch. I never broke eye
contact with Colt when I said, "I'm not the girl who can't take a hint.
I'm the one you told all your secrets to. Do what you want. I'm done scaring
myself to death wondering if you’re okay."

 
He just
looked down at the ground.

 
"Oh and
someone broke your door. You might want to get that fixed. A little birdy told
me you knew how and that you might have done it before. Have fun with that, old
man."

 
By this time
Tony was by my side grabbing my hand. He was trying to pull me away but there
was something in Colt’s eyes I could not let go of. Then I heard, “Thanks for
cleaning up the trash and taking it with you." I wasn’t sure what she was
talking about or to whom, until I noticed Tony’s hand flinch. I looked up and
it clicked that she was talking to him about me. No, she did not.

 
I wanted to
slap her but after seeing Colt I wanted to do nothing more than to cry.
"Trash is what you throw away, right?" I looked right in Colt’s eyes
as I finished with, "Then you’re right. I did get fucking tossed. Good
luck, sweet heart. He's all yours."

 
I started to
let Tony pull me away when she said, "Good riddance,
bitch
."

 
Tony let go
of my hand almost like he was giving me the thumbs up. It was good enough for
me. I walked back to them and stepped in her space.

 
"You
don't understand this situation. You didn't have anything to do with it. Keep
your fucking mouth shut. Do you understand what I am saying?" She said
nothing. Colt never moved. I felt that I got my point across and turned to
leave. Once my back was to her "Cunt" came out of her mouth and my
fist flew. I punched her as hard as I could, right in the nose. I felt it crack
with impact. I stepped back, looked at Colt and said, "Take care of your
girl. I think she might have broken her nose."

 
This time
when I walked away she stayed quiet. I got in my car and drove off. How could
he do that? Easy, he's been doing it all along. He has never been with only me.
This isn’t new. And to top it all off, my fucking leg is killing me.

 
Tony must
have called me as soon as he got in his car. When I answered, he was laughing
his ass off.

 
"Sadie,
you punch like a girl."

 
"This
isn’t funny, Tony."

 
"It’s
fucking hilarious. You broke that bitch’s nose. I was wondering if you were
going to run off and cry or finally stand up for yourself."

 
"I
don't care about her. Colt has been fine! He had me worried sick and he's
perfectly fine."

 
"Now
Sadie, I wouldn't go there yet. He is far from okay. Maybe this is how he's
coping, but he's not fine."

 
"I'm
done. Fuck him."

 
"No,
you’re not. The man back there was a shell. Couldn't you see that?"

 
"He
doesn't want me anymore."

 
"He
doesn't want to need you. There is a difference. I told you to give him time.
You didn't listen."