Finding Strength (3 page)

Chapter Four

Present Day

            
 
“Do you need to stop, Anna?” Amy ask, still holding the notebook in her hands.

              “No, but can you get me some water?” My lips are so parched that they have begun to crack and peel in places. Amy brings the straw closer to my mouth and I lean as far as I am able to get a sip of the refreshing cold water. I need to get this last task completed. I need Braxton to know in the years to come that it wasn’t all for naught. I want him to remember everything from my own memories.

Once I have had enough of the water, Amy readies herself once more as I begin again, her putting my story into words on paper.

            
 
August 30
th
, 2004

“I’m pregnant,” I say. Worry has been eating me alive since I found out yesterday when the two pink lines showed up on the pregnancy test I took. Jacob and I have only been married three months. I am scared he is going to think this is too soon. We hadn’t been planning on kids, at least not for a while. My eyes are closed tight since I am afraid of Jacob’s reaction.

“What?” he asks.

“I’m pregnant,” I repeat. His hands cup my cheeks and I open my eyes. Before I can say anything more, his lips are on mine. Jacobs’s arms move to my waist and he lifts me off of the floor, spinning me around. I pull back from his lips just enough so that I can speak.

“Jacob, if you don’t stop spinning me, I am liable to puke on you!” I squeal at him, grinning the entire time.

“Sorry!” he tells me, then sets me on my feet. “We’re going to have a baby,” he says, astonishment littering his words. His face goes blank and I can tell his mind is racing.

“Yes, we are.” Worry creeps back in, still not completely sure if he is happy about this news yet or not considering the change in his demeanor. I move my hand to his face trying to smooth out the worry lines I see there. “Talk to me, Jacob.”

Jacob keeps an arm around my waist and moves us to the living room and down onto the couch. Turning me so that we are facing each other, he looks me right in my eyes.

“I am so happy, Anna. I can’t believe it, I’m going to be a dad.” His smile has returned and again, before I can manage a word, he kisses me breathless.

I smile against his lips and mumble, “Yes, and you’re going to be a great dad, Jacob.”

We have a doctor’s appointment today to confir
m
what the pregnancy test has already told me. Jacob and I are sitting here in the waiting room, both of us nervous and excited. The door next to the reception desk opens and I hear my name being called. Standing, Jacob takes my hand and pulls me up. Together we walk back into the exam room. I had my blood drawn which confirmed I was pregnant. The doctor is now doing an ultrasound to see how far along I am.

“It looks like you are eight weeks along. All looks good with the baby. I want to see you again in two months. Be sure to make an appointment on your way out. Congratulations to both of you,” the doctor says. He smiles at both of us before he walks out of the room.

Seeing our little one on the screen has filled me with a new joy. The smile on Jacob’s face hasn’t left since we got home. I decide to take a nap and make my way to our bedroom. Laying here, my mind drifts to Lindsey. She would have been so happy to be a big sister. I know she is watching me, and I believe she is happy. I have to or else the darkness will consume me again. I feel a tear slide from my eye and roll down my cheek as I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

“Hey, sleeping beauty. Wake up,” Jacob says, shaking me to get me to wake up.

I open my eyes and see him sitting next to me on the bed smiling. “Hey,” I mumble, sleep filling my voice. “What time is it?”

“It’s four-thirty. Do you want to go out for dinner tonight?”

“Sure, let me get up and get ready.” I sit up and stretch, then climb from the bed. I gather my clothes and head into the bathroom. Jacob follows me in. I turn and give him a questioning look. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just wanted to tell you I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I kiss him softly on the lips before starting the shower.

Dinner was great that night. We had a quiet meal at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants. I haven’t really had any cravings yet, or at least not that I have noticed. The rest of the evening we just spent at home enjoying each other and making plans for our new little bundle. It’s never too early to plan and we are both so excited. Only seven more months to go and I am hoping they go by fast.

Later that night, lying in bed with my head on Jacob’s chest, his arm firmly around me, I allow my mind to look into the future. To look at the life I now have and to really see how lucky I am. Even with the tragic loss of my daughter, I still feel blessed in this moment. You never really get over a loss like that, no one can ever take Linsdey’s place, but I realize my heart is bigger than I once believed it to be. And for that, I am grateful.

November 2004

The past few months were very busy for me an
d
they have flown by. I am still working at the boutique in town, at least until I am in my last month. I was very lucky to only have minimal morning sickness and I have had no problems with this pregnancy. So far, everything has been smooth sailing. Later today, Jacob and I are going to my doctor for an ultrasound. We want to know, if we can, if we are having a boy or a girl. I would love to be able to get started on the nursery, but I need to know what we are having first. I am very anxious to find out and Jacob is beyond ecstatic. I don’t think that man has stopped smiling since the day we found out. He tells everyone he sees that he is going to be a dad, even though I am pretty sure my swollen belly gives that away.

Walking into the exam room, I get up on the table and wait for the doctor to come in. Jacob pulls the chair up next to the exam table and takes a seat. I am so excited and nervous, my palms have grown sweaty. I wipe them on my pants and take in a few deep breaths. After a few minutes, the doctor comes in.

“Good Afternoon, you two. How are you feeling, Anna?” he asks.

“Very nervous but very excited. Other than that I have been feeling very well. No problems at all.” I glance at Jacob when I hear him chuckle.

“What?” I ask him, raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing, I was just thinking of how you out eat me now,” he says still smiling.

“Jacob Michael Caulder!” I scold. “I am eating for two so I have to eat more,” I say, trying to act as though his words have bothered me and failing miserably. I can’t help smiling back at him. He has been teasing me my whole pregnancy about my eating habits. I find it funny and I’m not offended by it at all. Besides, I love to eat so he is right about me putting more food away than him.

“So,” the doctor interrupts our playful banter, “anyone ready to find out what the sex of this baby is today?”

“Yes!” I say at the same time Jacob says “Of course!”

The doctor pokes his head out of the door and calls for the ultrasound technician to come in. Once she has the machine set up, she puts a cold gel on my tummy and uses the device to show us our baby. At first, the little one doesn’t want to cooperate, keeping its knees together and blocking our view. The technician tries for a few minutes to get the baby to reveal its sex, to no avail. I start to get disappointed that we have a stubborn baby who refuses to show us if it’s a he or she. The technician bounces the probe of the device one time on top of my belly and the baby’s knees fall open.

“It’s a boy!” she says, very enthusiastically.

Jacob leans over and kisses me, once, twice, three times every so gently on the lips.

“I have a son,” he whispers. I am too emotional to speak. Lindsey has a brother, Jacob and I have a son, and I couldn’t be happier. Tears make their way out o
f
the corner of my eyes and roll down and drop to the table below me. I can’t help the smile that has crossed my face.

After we left the doctor’s office, I was eager to get started on the nursery. Jacob and I went to Babies R Us and did some shopping for our son. The theme of the room is monkeys and we found some really cute crib sheets, furniture and decorations for the room. We bought a few clothes and a car seat as well, then headed home. We spent the evening putting together the crib and setting up the nursery. By the time it was done, I was exhausted and went to bed. I fell asleep with a smile on my face wrapped in my husband’s arms.

Chapter Five

May 14
th
, 2005

Nothing can compare to the joy Jacob and I have felt over the last nine months waiting on our little bundle of joy. Since we found out when I was five months along that we are having a son, we have been having a tough time picking a name. Arguing over the names was the fun part. I know, arguing isn’t supposed to be fun, maybe it was more like debating. Some of the names he came up with were so off the wall, I wondered if he was aiming to have a son that would be teased for the rest of his life. We finally found a name that we both loved. Now, we are just waiting for Braxton Shane Caulder to arrive.

It’s when I am doing the dishes, that the first contraction hits me. I check the time so I can monitor how far apart they are should another hit me. Five minutes later, I am again contracting. I have always heard that it goes faster with your second child. I shut the water off, dry my hands, and then call Jacob.

“It’s time. My contractions are five minutes apart,” I tell him.

“I am on my way. Call the doctor and let him know we are heading to the hospital as soon as I get there.”

“Okay, I love you.”

“I love you, too, Anna. I’ll be there soon,” he says, then hangs up.

I call the doctor to inform him that we should be at the hospital in about thirty minutes or so. Luckily, Jacob was off work today and was just in town picking up something for dinner. Next, I call Amy. She and Shane will meet us up at the hospital. Jacob comes running into the house just as I hang up with Amy.

“You ready?” he asks. He is running around like a lost puppy. Not knowing what his next move should be.

“Jacob, it’s fine. Grab the bag from our room, please?” I ask. He goes into our room, grabs the bag and is running back through the living room on his way to the front door. I can’t help but laugh at him a little. I follow behind him out to his truck. He helps me in and then runs around to the driver’s side. Then we are off to the hospital to welcome our little boy.

Arriving at the hospital, we are greeted by a couple of nurses and my doctor. They get me in a wheel chair and I am wheeled to the labor and delivery floor and into a room. Once settled in my bed, all hooked up to the IV and monitors, all I can do now is wait. My contractions are now coming fast and hard, every two minutes. I am waiting for them to come give me the epidural, which I hope they hurry and get here with it. This pain is knocking the wind out of me. I do know that it will all be worth it soon and that keeps me focused and hanging on. 

After the epidural, things moved more quickly and before I knew it, it was time to push. Thirty-six minutes later, Braxton made his entrance into the world letting out the loudest cry I have ever heard from a newborn. The nurses cleaned him up and placed him in my arms. His little blue eyes looked around taking in all of the new things he was seeing. He didn’t really have any hair, other than a few sprigs of blonde on the top. His chubby cheeks were adorable. His lips were the same as Jacob’s, plush and perfectly arched. I fell in love with him before he was born, but that intensified tenfold the moment I laid eyes on him. Jacob had tears streaming down his face. That is the only time I have ever seen him cry, and I have to admit, it was a beautiful sight to see him so happy with his son, his emotions on display for everyone to witness.

Amy and Shane came to see me and the baby. I knew she would be the same with Braxton as she had been with Lindsey. Braxton seemed content in her arms as she rocked him back and forth singing a lullaby to him. He’s not even a day old and already, Amy is spoiling him.

“Anna, he’s a beautiful baby. He looks like his daddy, but he has Lindsey’s eyes,” Amy says. Her look turns to disbelief at what she has said.

“It’s okay, Amy. He does have her eyes,” I say, and smile at my lifelong friend trying to alleviate any worry about the comment that she made. I don’t want my friends to be afraid to mention Lindsey. Amy smiles back at me and returns to singing her lullaby.

Once I was able to leave the hospital, Jacob and
I
got into a routine. He was so helpful with feedings and changings. He didn’t get grossed out over dirty diapers or when Braxton spit up on him. He is a wonderful dad to our son. Watching Braxton grow day by day is amazing. This has been different for me since I have Jacob here with me. I was so use to doing everything on my own since Lindsey’s father wasn’t around much and didn’t help with taking care of her. I have been blessed with Jacob. Every day he shows me how much he loves me and Braxton.

Jacob is staying home with Braxton while Amy and I go shopping. Now that I am somewhat back to my normal weight, I need some new clothes. My closet is going to be overflowing, but when you are between the two sizes you wear, that tends to happen. We stop in at the local deli and order a sandwich. We find a table and sit down to enjoy a quick lunch before we go home.

“Do you think you bought enough clothes?” Amy asks. 

“One can never have too many outfits, Amy,” I say, smiling. I may have went a little overboard. “If I bought too many, then it’s your fault.”

“Hey now, I only told you what you would look hot in,” Amy says, defending herself.

“True, but I couldn’t resist them, especially if I look hot in them,” I smile at my best friend waggling my eyebrows at her. This gets a fully belly laugh from her and I join in.

Amy’s face takes on a serious expression. She looks down at the table and then back to me.

“I am really glad to see you happy, Anna. It looks good on you. For a long time, I was so worried about you.”

“I am happy. I still wish every single day that Lindsey was here with me, but I know now that I can’t live like that. I have you and Shane to thank for a lot of that. For always pushing me to keep going. I don’t think I ever really told you thank you,” I say to her. I can see the tears she is trying to hold back.

“Anna, I love you. You have always been like a sister to me. Shane and I would have done, and still will do anything to help you. But,” She pauses. “I think a lot of your help came from Jacob. That man loves you so much, anyone can see it. He is the one who put you back together again. He is the reason you smile so much. He is the reason I have my friend back. He’s your glue.”

              I dab my napkin under my eyes and reach across the table to take Amy’s hand.

“I love you, too, Amy. Jacob is who put me back together again, but it was you and Shane who picked me up.”

              We finish our lunch on a much lighter note, but Amy’s words lodge their way into my heart. Jacob may be my rock, but Amy is my olive branch. Always extending to me a limb that I can grab on to. I am grateful for her friendship and kindred spirit.

Walking into my living room later that afternoon, I stop in awe of Jacob sound asleep in the recliner, Braxton, asleep across his chest. Our days are filled with smiles and are hearts filled with happiness
.
Although the nights are a little restless, getting up with Braxton to feed him, I wouldn’t change this for the world. I never knew love like this could exist, that is until I met Jacob. He is epitome of what love is all about, not only with me, but with our son. I believe my heart is finally healed from the pain I went through. The scar remains as it always will, now covered by the love of our family.

When I think of all the times I thought of giving up, when life didn’t seem worth living anymore, I see what I would have missed out on. How anything other than living would have been the wrong choice to make. I know that Jacob was put into my life for a reason. He saved me from myself and gave me something that, after Lindsey’s death, I didn’t think was possible. I wasn’t even sure it was something I wanted. I was too wrapped up and entangled in a depression so deep and dark, that all I wanted was to be with Lindsey. I know I owe Jacob my life. Because of him, I have more than I could have imagined. I have happiness and I am at peace with what happened to Lindsey.