Finding the Thing Within (15 page)

I don’t want to think anymore about the words you wrote, to my cowardice. I have no intention of breaking up, nor of letting you make that decision...please, think about it...I don’t think you can get away from me that easily... Aren’t you answering your phone anymore? Earlier I was looking for you and couldn’t understand why you weren’t answering, and then I found your letter!

Please Rosario, think about it. Don’t be stubborn for the sake of it. Please, give me a second chance. Your Lorenzo.”

Rosario read and reread the letter and felt worse each time. He knew that his decision had been harsh but now he couldn’t go back on it. He couldn’t keep putting Lorenzo’s needs before his own. Why should he have had to try and understand Lorenzo’s needs while Lorenzo didn’t even consider his? He had always been willing to please Lorenzo and he had always exploited this fact. One day he had said to Rosario that in their relationship there was a clear delineation of roles and that whereas Rosario had the physical and mental superiority, he himself had the better character. It was probably true considering that it was always he that decided when they would meet, go out or go to the beach and he like a good puppy, followed.

How many times had he decided not to go to work when Lorenzo phoned? How many times wearing his suit when Lorenzo had proposed a day at the beach and he had had to go and change?

In contrast, how many times had Rosario invited him out and he had declined for some birthday of a friend or a night out with a good friend. He didn’t like the idea of going on with a relationship that was missing certain other details aside from cuddling and sex, the nights out together, socializing and meeting each others friends. There had been none of this with Lorenzo. It hadn’t been a complete relationship but a sexual relationship. Pleasure had been enough at the beginning, now it wasn’t.

Rosario was determined to go on ignoring Lorenzo’s calls and didn’t answer his phone whenever he saw Lorenzo’s number on his display. In the evening of the second day of silence Rosario went to a clinic to visit his friend Alfredo and his wife, who had just given birth. He took the opportunity to confide with other friends, who were there for the same reason. Alfredo was as good a friend of his as Francesco; they had met the same year. It had been Rosario who had introduced him to his wife, Angela. He had such a lot of fun with Angela and Alfredo when they had been at University.

Angela wasn’t originally from the city so she had rented a house in Palermo with some other girls, which then soon became the meeting point for his group of friends. Everyone met there to plan the night out and they had passed many hilarious New Year’s parties there, joking and singing. Since Rosario was good at cooking, he was always practically the only one to dedicate himself to the oven. He was especially good at making couscous and they had bought him the large steaming pans that are perfect for the job. Alfredo and Angela had been engaged for ten years and their relationship with Rosario had not changed at all when they eventually did marry. Obviously they had known about and accepted Rosario’s homosexuality a long time ago. Angela was finally fulfilling her dream of having a baby. The baby was beautiful and, as always in these situations, surrounding the hospital bed, everyone debated who the baby resembled most. Mike, Alfredo’s younger brother, was there too. When Rosario met the fifteen-year-old Mike, he had hated gays and Rosario had been mildly upset but as more people knew about him, and eventually Mike knew, he had changed his intolerant opinions. Knowing Rosario, who was not campy or effeminate, his commonplace stereotype of gay men crumbled and they had become good friends. He was now even closer to Mike than Alfredo, and with Mike he felt he could confide certain aspects of his sex life. At first he had been embarrassed but his natural curiosity had taken over and he wanted to know more and more. And so it was with him now that he felt he could discuss Lorenzo:

"Don’t worry about it,” he advised, "If he really loves you, he’ll come back."
While he was there in the hospital his phone rang continuously, and he stubbornly refused to answer it. Until eventually he received an SMS:
:HOW CAN I GIVE YOU BACK THE BOOK YOU LENT ME IF YOU WON’T SEE ME?:
Rosario did, in fact, care about the book and had no intention of losing it. With no idea how it would go, he rang and in an icy, clinical voice said:
"You decide when we can meet so you can bring me the book, ok, bye."
But Lorenzo called him back immediately:
"Why are you doing this? Why do you want to ruin everything? I have no intention of giving you up because I still love you. Come on, let’s meet up and I’ll give you your book."
"OK, I’ll see you tomorrow."

***

When they met the following day Rosario was still cold, glacial even and even when Lorenzo tried to lighten things with a friendly laugh or a joke, Rosario’s face didn’t flinch a muscle. He told him that things were definitely over and that he thought they should return to what Lorenzo originally wanted and just be friends. He promised him that they would no longer have sex.

Since this day however, Rosario often felt the need for a release, and one night, no longer content with satisfying himself, he went out into a public park at night in search of some fleeting thrill. He could see numerous shadows of individuals passing back and forth. When they saw him coming some of them approached but when they understood from closer that he was not as young as their desires, went away again. Rosario did pretty much the same thing; he turned towards someone who from far away had seemed hot before escaping when he saw him up close. While in the midst of this fruitless search he saw two guys in their early twenties. Whereas one was nice, the other was stunning. He watched them as they passed.

Hell, they’re hot,
he thought. He followed them for

a tract but they were escaping everything and everyone. After some time he gave up, thinking that there would have been no chance with those two. Eventually he could no

longer see them, they had completely vanished.
Strange…
he thought,
I didn’t see them leave.
He continued wander

ing with the intention of finding them and nearing a large clump of bushes, he saw them hidden away, kissing. He watched them and they noticed him too. He was nearing them and could see their masts already to the wind, and they were rubbing each other unashamedly.

So Rosario approached still nearer and observed them provocatively. Uncaring, they beckoned him to join them. Rosario wasn’t going to let them ask again and got inside the shrubbery. He got to grips with the penis of the more beautiful one when from behind his back approached a fourth and immediately a fifth and a sixth stranger. Rosario found himself in a situation he had never experienced. The beautiful guy was intent on penetrating his friend. Rosario was touching beautiful and fresh bodies, and there were limbs all about twisting sinuously caressing and touching anyone at all. When they were all about to climax they all came simultaneously and many slunk off. Rosario, who had until that point been part of a mute orgy, said to the others:

"I’ve never done something like that before." "Like what?"
"Like that. With six people."
"One time in Rimini," said one of the two, "I was

surrounded by over twenty other people, so that was just a roll in hay."

Part 19

For some time Lorenzo had been calling him, trying to organize a ‘friendly’ dinner together at a pizzeria.
"Come on," he said. "I’ve got a discount card and we’ll only pay half."
They went to a restaurant that Lorenzo knew in Monreale, a town in the hills surrounding Palermo. Rosario had also been there years ago with friends and knew that their pizza was excellent.
"Ciao!" said the girl who met them at the door, "We haven’t seen you for a while," and she accompanied them to a table.
"Is here Ok?" she asked.
"Yeah, here’s fine," and they sat down.
"You know this place pretty well then!"
"Yes I come quite often with friends."
Rosario, feeling free of sentimental ties to Lorenzo, started openly checking out the men in the pizzeria.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing. I’m looking."
"Ok, but be more subtle. Stop being a horny slut."
"So I’m the horny slut now, is it? We’ve swapped roles then?"
"Enough bitterness, you’re going to ruin the evening."
A handsome young waiter came up and asked for their order. Rosario ordered a
quattro gusti
pizza, Lorenzo a grilled steak. The evening passed uneventfully with only some commentary and gossip about one of their neighboring diners. When they had finished, paid and left, since this time they had gone in Lorenzo’s car, he dropped off Rosario. They agreed that they would meet again in friendship only but as they were parting Lorenzo went to kiss him.
Rosario refused.
Rosario was torn between the idea of continuing this friendship-only relationship or sending Lorenzo to hell. The fact was that he was already deeply involved and in love. He reflected that time would probably decided things for him.

***

Francesco Aiello was, like Rosario, fascinated by all things electronic and whenever he had some free time, would fiddle with his music system and speakers. Then, not being a real expert himself, he would call Rosario. It had been with Rosario that he had bought his first amplifier and with his help his Hi-Fi had steadily improved over the years. He had bought two Carver speakers which, together with the same-brand amplifier, were the highlights of his sound system. When he played well-recorded, quality music, those speakers resonated with a sound that was clear and vivid. These were the speakers that Rosario wanted Lorenzo to hear and so he organized a meeting.

Francesco lived outside Palermo and so Lorenzo was to meet up with Rosario and they would go there together. Lorenzo was strangely punctual and Rosario pointed it out. In the car Lorenzo tried to provoke him, playing with his hair and stroking his legs.

"Lorenzo, listen to me. It was you that wanted to be just friends and I’m trying to respect your choice, so please don’t go touching me now."

"Come on, you like it."
"I said stop it. Physically, at least, we’re over!" "Come on, I know you’re getting horny. You get excited easily, no?"

"Stop touching me," and he flinched away. "Let’s see how excited you are then!"
"I’m not excited," answered Rosario. It wasn’t true,

he was bursting with desire but he was determined to be strict with Lorenzo, to punish him. When they arrived they sat down on the sofa while Francesco busied himself preparing his stereo. They listened to various tracks and Francesco continuously praised his speakers, but Lorenzo didn’t like them and said they brought out too much bass in the sound and in fact, Rosario agreed. Francesco justified the bass, telling them that the position and arrangement of the room wasn’t agreeable to the sound but that was the room and nothing could be done.

"Listen guys, I haven’t eaten yet, do you fancy some spaghetti."
"No thanks," answered Rosario, "I’ve already eaten."
"Me too," said Lorenzo. "But I won’t say no to a plate of spaghetti."
"Right, ok, but I’ve only got tomatoes in the fridge and nothing else, so we’ll have to make do."
"Fine for me," added Lorenzo.
And while Francesco got busy with the pans and cutlery in the kitchen, Lorenzo tried to touch Rosario, he tried to hold him tightly and to provoke him at all costs. Lorenzo’s physical superiority was clear and Rosario struggled to resist.
"I told you I don’t want to…don’t insist!" Although he was denying Lorenzo, it was implicit that he wanted him to continue, carry on, and insist until I give up.
Francesco in the kitchen could hear the sounds of their carry-on, and the shrieks of both.
"What are you up to guys? At your age? Calm down or you’ll ruin the house!"
A little later he came back with plates piled high with steaming spaghetti. They sat around the table and ate. Francesco was justified since he hadn’t eaten but Lorenzo wasn’t! He gorged himself with the voracity and speed of a hungry wolf.
"Excuse me, but I really love pasta and even if I’m full, I’ll always eat spaghetti."
They ate together like old friends, laughing and making fun of Rosario, who was by now stretched out on the sofa. The evening went on for an hour and they listened to a few more tracks on Francesco’s stereo. Then Lorenzo wanted to go home with the excuse that he had to start studying early the following morning. Lorenzo kept insisting with his hands on the return journey in the car. Rosario was immovable; he had decided to resist any advance from Lorenzo.
"Come on, let’s make peace, and give me a kiss!"
"Lorenzo, don’t push me, there’s no point! How are things with Paola?"
"We’re not having sex, who knows what she wants! She’s even more uncertain about things than me; she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. She says she loves me and won’t share me with anyone else. She’s very naïve; you know what she told me?"
"What?"
"She wants me to see a psychiatrist; she’s convinced that if I talk to someone, I’ll be ‘cured’! Isn’t that crazy? I don’t need to be cured, do I?"
"That’s what all ignorant people think, they all think that homosexuality is a disease, a psychological cancer that must be treated or excised. They don’t understand that we’re normal people.”

Part 20

Rosario turned on his PC to find an email from Mr. Bassetti.
“Good morning Mr. Mollica

Please find attached a contract of collaboration and we ask you to read it carefully and if you find the conditions agreeable we can meet to sign it after the holiday of 27th of August.

Yours faithfully,
Gino Bassetti
.”

Rosario was ecstatic, what did it matter that he had separated from Lorenzo. Things were progressing as he had been told by the old woman with the cards and it had all started after his 47th birthday and was slowly progressing. He realized that even with Lorenzo, everything would now fix itself. He phoned him to let him know to the good news and Lorenzo was happy.