Finding the Way Back (Book 1 in the Forgiving Hearts Trilogy) (12 page)

Why was he so afraid?
If this didn’t turn out to be the breakthrough with Laurel he’d hoped and prayed for, was he any worse off than he’d been before? At least she was willing to talk to him. That had to be a step in the right direction. All morning long he’d told himself to be patient and be willing to accept whatever happened. As he’d so glibly said to Greta at the 10K race, he must allow someone else to set the pace. More importantly, he must be prepared for rejection.

Trying to use up more time, Colton topped off his tank before strolling inside the store attached to the gas station. As he walked slowly along the aisles, he prayed he wouldn’t mess this up. He might not be given another chance.

As he passed the frozen food section, his eyes lighted on a row of familiar containers. He bent closer until he found the one he wanted. After a second’s hesitation, he picked up two. There had been a time when he and Laurel would have shared one, but he wasn’t about to suggest they feed each other ice cream. He just wanted to get her something he knew she liked.

Back at the apartment complex, Colton pulled into the space beside her car and shut off the engine. He glanced at his casual shirt and pants.
Why had he listened to Phillip? What did a single guy know about a situation like this?
With a sigh, he grabbed the bag of ice cream and got out of the car.

At the door to her apartment, he wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.
How could he be perspiring when it was seventy degrees outside?
With a calm he was far from feeling, he pushed the button and heard the answering tone inside. Laurel must have been standing near the door because it opened almost immediately.

“Right on time,” she said with a faint smile.

“Have you been outside? It’s a nice, fall day.”

She closed the door and motioned him to follow her down the narrow hallway. “Yes, it is,” she agreed.

His glance wandered over the tiny kitchen and living room. Nothing looked familiar.
What had she done with their furniture?

Laurel sat down in the only chair so Colton took a seat on the couch. His grand idea of bringing ice cream now struck him as stupid if not totally juvenile. He wondered if he could get rid of it before she noticed.

“Did you bring your lunch?” she asked, pointing at the bag.

He wanted to sink into the floor. “No, it’s ice cream. I remembered that you like cherry cheesecake.”

A more natural smile settled on her face. “I haven’t had that in a long time. Do you want to have some now?”

Colton hadn’t been able to eat anything all day. He wasn’t sure ice cream on a queasy stomach was a good idea. “Let’s wait awhile.”

“Then I better put it in the freezer before it melts.” She stood up and took the bag from him. His eyes followed her into the kitchen as if trying to memorize everything about this moment. It might never happen again.

“I almost called and cancelled,” she admitted after she sat back down. “I can’t think what we could have to talk about, and seeing you is a reminder of things I’ve tried hard to forget.”

“It’s the same for me except I don’t have to see you to know how much I hurt you. That will always be with me. I was entrusted with a jewel beyond price, and I threw it away for something worthless.”

Her eyes dropped to the hands clasped tightly in her lap. “You must have been very unhappy with me to do something so out of character.”

Colton reached out to her, but when he saw her instinctive movement away, he stopped. “It wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do, Laurel. It was all me.”

She slowly shook her head. “There had to be something. How could you love me and do…that?”

This was the question he’d been dreading; there was no reasonable explanation for his behavior. It defied everything he’d ever believed about the sanctity of marriage. With an abrupt movement, Colton moved to stand at the window, the tenseness in his posture indicative of his discomfort.

“The Bible says man’s heart is deceitfully wicked and impossible to fathom. I never thought much about what that verse means, but I learned the truth of those words the hard way. In the right circumstances, we’re all prey to our baser instincts. There’s a reason Jesus tells us to run from temptation.” Colton slowly turned around to face her. “I didn’t run, Laurel, because I thought I had things under control. By the time I realized I didn’t, it was too late. That’s the problem with temptation – the longer you allow it to hang around, the more difficult it is to resist. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn’t stop. I’d gone too far down a road I never should have been on in the first place. It was terrifying to be so out of control. I never want to be in that position again.” He stopped for a minute, unable to go on. When he spoke again, his voice was thick with pain and remorse. “The worst of it was seeing your face. I could actually see your love for me slipping away, and I was powerless to do anything about it.”

“It was more than that, Colton. What you did destroyed my trust and belief in you. Once those two things are gone, they’re not easily restored.”

“They can never be restored if you don’t give me a chance to show you that I’m a different person. Can’t we start over, Laurel? I believe we could learn to be friends again.”

A disbelieving laugh escaped her. “Friends? I don’t think so. We’ve got too much baggage.”

“On our own, we wouldn’t be able to do it. But with God, anything is possible.”

“Some things can’t be put back together and maybe they shouldn’t.”

“I don’t believe that.” He hesitated, unsure of whether he wanted to say any more. “The one thing I want you to know is that you’re the
only
woman I’ve ever loved or will love. It will always be you. If that means I live the rest of my life alone, then so be it. That’s the price I have to pay.”

Laurel’s eyes came back to his face. “What you do with your life is up to you. I’m not making any promises about mine.”

“I’m not asking for a promise, just an opportunity to regain your trust.”

“That may never happen.”

“I’m willing to take the risk.”

“As long as you realize that the effort will have to be your own. I can’t invest in something I don’t believe in.” She stood up suddenly and walked into the kitchen, returning with the two containers. “Getting ice cream was a nice thought.”

He walked over to where she stood. “But you’d rather not eat what could be considered a peace offering?”

A reluctant smile touched her lips. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.” She handed him one of the cartons and a spoon. “No matter what it is, there’s no point in wasting perfectly good ice cream.”

“You don’t have to do this, Laurel. It won’t hurt my feelings if you want me to go.”

“Stop talking and eat your ice cream.” She put a spoonful into her mouth. “This will completely ruin my appetite for dinner with Rose and Greg.”

Colton resumed his seat on the couch. “Phillip was marinating steaks when I left, but that’s not going to stop me from enjoying this.”

She looked at him in surprise. “Phillip Chapman? I didn’t know he lived here.”

“He doesn’t; he’s still in Myrtle Beach. He owns the condo I’m living in. He comes down for the occasional weekend because he’s got a thing for Amber. Unfortunately for him, she’s dating Tony.”

“Does he know what happened with us?”

“Yes. He’s one of the few people outside my family and the pastor at my old church in Hilton Head who know the truth.”

“It couldn’t have been easy to tell him.”

Colton stared hard at the container in his hand. “It wasn’t easy to tell anyone,” he admitted. “I lost the respect and trust of people I love, not the least of whom is you. That’s been hard for me to accept. I can’t force people to believe in me again; I can only hope they will.”

“With something like this, there’s always more than one victim.”

“The difference is I deserve the punishment I’m getting. You did nothing to warrant being treated so horribly. I’ll have to live with that the rest of my life.” He noticed her quick frown. It was time to go. Dropping his spoon into the empty carton, Colton slowly rose to his feet. “I should get going; I’ve got a few errands to run on the way home.”

Laurel made no attempt to delay him. “Thanks for bringing the ice cream,” she said as she stood up and took the carton from him.

“No problem,” he replied, hating the awkwardness between them. It was so different from how it had been before.

“Tell Phillip I said hello,” she replied as she followed him to the door.

“I will. Thanks for letting me come over. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.”

“You, too. Goodbye.”

Chapter Eight

Why hadn’t she told him to leave her alone? She’d already gone well beyond her comfort level by letting him come over. Now she’d just made it worse by giving him false hope. Even if he was foolish enough to believe that two people with their history could be friends, Laurel was not. Starting over? He couldn’t be serious! And if by some miracle they were able to get past all the obstacles in any road to friendship, what then? Would he be satisfied with that?

As far as Laurel was concerned, that was the absolute limit of any relationship with him. She couldn’t imagine a scenario where she’d want anything more. The days of enjoying any kind of intimacy with Colton lay buried in the past. It was impossible to rekindle something that had been so thoroughly stamped out.

Monday morning found her swept back into the hectic schedule of school with little leisure to worry about anything else. Along with the debate club, Laurel let herself be talked into being a chaperone for the school’s Homecoming dance. What she thought would be a one evening commitment in October turned out to be more involved.

The initial planning meeting spilled over into two afternoons and was followed by yet another meeting with the Headmaster to reconcile what the students wanted with what the school would allow. In the midst of this, her field trip to Jekyll Island was approved and scheduled for the following week. Before she knew it, another weekend was looming.

As she strolled past the concession stand on her way to find Patty, Laurel realized with a sense of surprise that she hadn’t seen or heard from Colton.
Was he giving her time to get used to his ridiculous idea? Or was he too busy to do anything about it?
The sight of Patty waving from her position at the top of the bleachers turned Laurel’s thoughts in a more pleasant direction. She was here to enjoy a football game, not worry about Colton.

Patty moved over to let Laurel sit down. “You made it! I thought you were going to back out of our first official girls’ night out.”

“No way; I’ve been looking forward to this all week. Is Roger home with the kids?”

“Yes, they’ve got several movies to watch and popcorn to eat. I hope he remembers not to give them too much soda or nobody will be getting any sleep tonight.”

“All the more reason for us to stay out late.”

Patty laughed. “I like the way you’re thinking. So, where do we go after the game?”

“I’m thinking that Sicilian pizza place.”

“Sounds good to me. We’re about to kick off. Let’s hope we finally win one.”

“Me, too. I feel bad for the kids; they’re trying hard.”

“Hopefully, their efforts will result in points on the scoreboard. Is there any chance Colton might drop by tonight?”

“I have no idea,” Laurel admitted.

“I think he will,” Patty said with conviction. “He knows you’re going to be here; he can show up, talk for a while, and leave. It’s not like a date yet he gets to spend time with you.”

Laurel started to laugh. “I never thought of that.”

“You have to think like a man. Mark my words, before this game is over, he’ll be here.”

“He better hurry; we might leave the game early.”

Patty shook her head. “We can’t disappoint him like that. He’s been thinking about nothing else all week but seeing you tonight.”

“So now you can read his mind. I never realized you were so talented.”

“I’ve been married fifteen years; I know a few things about men.”

“Fifteen years! Wow! That’s quite a feat these days.”

“Marriage is the ultimate test of commitment, and contrary to what everyone says it doesn’t get any easier as the years go by.”

Laurel sighed. “I thought mine would be more successful. Colton and I had everything going for us; we were in love, shared the same faith and values, and had the support of our families. No one was more shocked than me when everything fell apart.”

“I find it interesting that neither of you has sought a divorce.”

Laurel fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist. “I’ve come close a few times, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Colton thinks we can start over.”

“What do you think?”

“I think he’s crazy. It’s not like we can flip a switch and forget the past.”

Patty laid her hand on Laurel’s arm. “No, but neither can you allow something that happened in the past to ruin your future. The Bible tells us that ‘as far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us’. If a perfect God can do that for us as sinners, we should be able to do it for each other.”

“So you don’t think there’s anything that can’t and shouldn’t be forgiven?”

“I believe if someone truly repents and asks for forgiveness, they should receive it. That’s what Jesus does for us. We can’t accept grace from God and not be willing to give it to others.”

“Intellectually, I know you’re right. But if I forgive, I put myself into a position where I can be hurt again. I haven’t reached the point where I want to risk that.”

“Just remember, Laurel; life is too precious and short to dwell on the unpleasant parts. There’s something positive to be taken from every situation.”

Laurel stared at her for a long moment. “Colton said that to me the first night we met.”

“I’ve found it to be true many times over. God can create a symphony from the most discordant notes.” Patty looked beyond her and started to smile. “He may have already started composing.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means your husband has arrived.”

Laurel didn’t turn her head. “Where is he?”

“He stopped to talk to a man standing by the fence. Go down and speak to him. It’s too crowded up here.”

“We don’t know that he came to see me.”

Patty gave her a little push. “Yes, we do. You’re just in denial. Put the poor guy out of his misery. If nothing else, you can get the meeting over with and let him go back home. He’ll appreciate it in the long run.”

“Okay, okay, I’m going.”

She threaded her way through the crowded aisle to the stairs. Just as she reached the last step, Colton turned and saw her. There was no hiding the delight spreading over his handsome face. After a quick word to this friend, he strode toward her.

“I was hoping you’d be here tonight,” he admitted.

“It was a safe enough assumption.” Laurel realized they were blocking the aisle. “We should move; we’re kind of in the way standing here.”

“Could we sit at one of those tables?” he asked, pointing to an area behind him.

Laurel hesitated. She didn’t want to get into another discussion about being friends. In her mind, it was a lost cause. No matter how much talking they did, what had happened would always be a barrier between them. “You won’t be able to see the game from there.”

Not taking his eyes off her face, he said, “I didn’t come to watch the game. I wanted to see you.”

The intensity of his gaze embarrassed her. “We can talk for a few minutes.” She led the way to one of the empty tables. After they were both seated, she asked, “Did you get called in last weekend?”

He sent her a grateful smile. “I had to go in late Saturday evening for a few hours, but Sunday was quiet. Phillip tried his best to get me to invite Amber and Tony out on the boat Sunday afternoon. But, as you know, when I’m on call, I don’t like to go too far.”

“You have a boat?” she asked in surprise.

“Yes and no. Phillip was in danger of having the boat repossessed by the bank because of overextending himself buying a house. I loaned him the money to be able to keep it so now he says it’s my boat.”

Laurel laughed. “I’d love to see you on a boat. You got seasick on our honeymoon cruise.”

“That was mostly nerves. I haven’t had any problems since.”

“So what do you do on this boat?”

“Most of the time I watch Phillip catch fish while I hold a rod and try not to look jealous. I’m not sure what to make of his interest in Amber. It’s difficult to get to know a woman when the only time you see her, her boyfriend is there, too.”

“It sounds like Phillip needs to move on.”

“Instead of which he’s on his way here. He’d love to see you, but understands if you’d rather not.”

“It would be awkward, especially with you living with him.”

Colton traced a line on the table with his finger. “That’s what I told him.”

“I guess I can add Phillip to the list of people who think I’m behaving like a child for not taking you back.”

“Phillip would be the last person to think that. He’s called me every name his limited vocabulary can come up with for treating you so badly.”

Crossing her arms, Laurel leaned on the table. “This is what I hate about what happened. It affected so many more people than us.”

“Some of that would go away if we’re able to manage some sort of friendship.”

“I don’t think anything will remove the stigma of failure. I feel like that woman in
The Scarlet Letter
. That’s one of the reasons I left Charleston. Everyone at church was asking me how as a Christian I could live apart from my husband.”

“You only had to tell them what I did.”

“Then I’d have been a source of pity – the rejected wife. At the time, I felt that would be worse. Do you understand why I doubt our ability to regain even a small part of what we lost? Not only do we have internal issues to deal with, but there are also numerous external pressures as well.”

Colton shrugged. “It was understandable in Charleston. Those people watched us fall in love and attended our wedding. It’s not as much a problem here. Take tonight, for example. No one at this field with the exception of Patty knows who I am, and I get the feeling our secret is safe with her.”

“You’re right - she won’t tell anyone.”

“I’m glad you’ve got a friend. That makes all the difference. How’s your new job going? Do you think you’re going to like teaching here?”

“It’s going great. We’ve got a good group of teachers and students. Being at a smaller school has some advantages. Remember how much red tape I had to go through to get a field trip approved? I got it done here with one meeting. I’m taking a group of students to Jekyll Island next Wednesday.”

“Wasn’t that where you fell down the stairs?”

“Yes, but now I know to look for the bats.”

“I haven’t been able to get over there yet. I hear the resort is nice.”

“We’re supposed to get a tour of the hotel as well as the cottages. I’d know more about it except my one and only visit ended prematurely with a trip to the ER.”

He smiled as he leaned back and stretched his legs. “They say the beaches are pristine, especially the one with the driftwood.”

“We won’t be walking on the beach. It will be challenging enough to keep everyone together on the tour.”

“You’re not taking them by yourself, are you?”

“I’ve got a couple of parents coming. This group is made up of seniors; you would hope they know how to behave by now.”

“Once they get away from the school grounds, kids like to test the waters. I used field trips as an opportunity to sneak off with my girlfriend. I served a couple of detentions for that.”

Laurel grinned knowingly. “Yeah, there are a few students I’ll have to keep an eye on. The rules say no public displays of affection which means they can’t even hold hands. How am I supposed to police that?”

“I’d just ignore it unless it’s blatant. If they start kissing, then you’ll have to do something.”

She rolled her eyes. “I caught two of them behind the concession stand last week. I wanted to say, ‘You’re only fifty yards from the parking lot. If you want to do that, do it there’. I mean, it only makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“To adults, it does. Kids don’t think – they react.”

“I know. I had a guy try to kiss me at a school dance. It didn’t work because he wasn’t tall enough to reach my mouth without standing on tiptoe, and I wasn’t about to bend down to help him.”

A chuckle escaped Colton. “You evidently didn’t want to kiss him.”

“I only went with him because no one else asked me. A wilted corsage and a few hours of boring conversation weren’t enough to get him a kiss.”

“Hadn’t you told him you don’t kiss on the first date?”

“I think he’s the guy that helped me come up with the rule. I only had one person kiss me the first night I met him.”

“That wasn’t even a real kiss,” he protested.

A faraway look passed over her face. “It was real enough to me.” She laughed self-consciously. “How did we get on that topic?”

“I don’t know, but I learned something.” He watched her play with her wedding ring, a sure sign that he needed to change the subject. “Taryn called me the other night. She was studying for an anatomy and physiology exam. As usual, she was trying to cram a month’s material into one night.”

“You’re the one who talked her into getting a nursing degree,” she pointed out.

“Did you want her living with your parents for the rest of her life? Nursing is a good profession. She’ll make enough money to support herself and still have the flexibility to pursue all the pet projects you got her interested in.”