Fire Always Burns (13 page)

"We'll, it was great to see you. Andrew and I have to go," I said quickly grabbing Andrew's hand. I pulled hard, trying to get us away. Andrew didn't resist me, but he didn't move quickly either.

"You're looking good, Holly. I thought you would be waddling around by now. Glad to see you got the baby taken care of," Bobby called out. Andrew froze, confusion painting his face as he looked at me.

The world spun like I was still on the roller coaster. Time slowed to show me every detail but still went to fast for me to stop the train wreck that was coming.

I watched the roller coaster launch another train of willing participants into the sky. Blue and pink cotton candy hung in the window of a cart. I couldn't move, my feet glued to the floor with my heart plummeting through them.

"It's too bad you took off like you did, Holly. James here wanted to try you next after I told him how good a ride you were. He was excited that he didn't have to worry about knocking you up, "Bobby sneered. He always did like to go for the pain. He never knew when to stop.

Andrew glanced from him to me, from the taunting perfect face to my bloodless shameful one. Horror filled his face as Bobby continued. "Andrew, have you heard the cute little noise she makes when she cums? If you get her drunk she'll kiss girls and then give you a blow job. I haven't found a girl that gives head that good since she decided she was too good for us."

Andrew dropped my hand and took two steps, his fist whipping out like lightning. Bobby wasn't expecting a sucker punch and he went down hard. His buddies stepped up like a wall, ready to beat the living shit out of Andrew, but Bobby waved them off. Bright red blood trickled out his nose and he wiped it with the back of his hand as he stood. He looked at the smear of red and smirked at Andrew.

"Holly, you got yourself a real prince. Keep her, Prince. I already used that whore up."

Red fury filled my vision, but before I could move Andrew grabbed my wrist. I struggled for a moment, Bobby's laughter filling my ears. I wanted to kill him, but Andrew held me tight as Bobby and his gang sauntered away. I could feel anger and revulsion flowing through his fingers as he clenched down on my wrist. His face was emotionless as he waited for Bobby to get out of his sight.

"What did he mean Holly?" Andrew asked quietly, releasing my wrist and pushing it away from him.

"Andrew, Bobby is a jerk, and-" I started. I could feel the tears growing behind my eyes. I wished so badly that we had just come out of the ride just a minute later. Why did he have to ruin my life again?

"That's not what I asked. What did he mean, 'glad to see you got the baby taken care of'?" Andrew faced me, staring me down. His blue eyes were cold. I held my wrist in my hand, unable to look him in the eye. He waited a moment then said with a voice cold as ice, "That's what I thought."

"No Andrew! I was never pregnant! I mean, I thought I might have been, but the test came back negative," I tried to explain. "Please, can we just sit down and talk about this?"

"So you thought you were pregnant. Was that scumbag the father?" His eyes blazed with a cold fury. I had never thought he would ever look at me like that.

"I wasn't sure," I started, trying to be truthful.

"You weren't sure? Just how many people did you fuck, Holly? Should I be getting tested? " He was practically screaming. I glanced around, my face growing hotter. People were starting to stare.

"Can you please not yell? I made some poor choices and I have some regrets," I said trying to keep my voice low. I didn't need people hearing about by bad decisions in the middle of an amusement park with their kids.

"Some poor choices Holly? I'm seeing some real poor choices. You thought you were pregnant and you weren't sure of the father. Tell me how that happens, Holly. Tell me how that happens and you don't at least mention it. Tell me how you do that to someone you claim to love," his voice had a low growl.

"I was at a party and I got drunk, Okay? I didn't tell you because I knew you would react this way. I didn't tell you because I am ashamed of it. I saw how you reacted to poor Louise and I'm no better than her," my voice cracked with a sob. He just stared at me like I had just landed from space. "I didn't tell you because I thought you would hate me and I couldn't bear the thought of that. You know me better than anyone Andrew."

"But you kept this from me! I've told you everything- things I've never told anyone, but you kept this from me. What else are you keeping from me?" Andrew's voice quavered with pain. "I thought I knew you. But apparently I have no clue who you are," he said softly. His eyes were blue pools of disdain shining out at me.

"Andrew, I love you. You said you loved me too," I whispered taking a step towards him. He held up his hands in disgust. His lips curled with revulsion as he stepped back.

"I loved the Holly I knew. Not you." He turned his back to me and starting walking away.

"Andrew, please!" I called out chasing after him. I touched his back and he squirmed out of my touch like I was something filthy.

"Do
not
touch me. I don't know you anymore, and I don't want to know you anymore," he whispered. Anger and sadness fought in his eyes as he turned away.

I couldn't breathe. My lungs felt like they were made of wet rags. Another burst of screams came from the roller coaster behind me. I felt numb. Nothing hurt and everything ached at the same time. I walked to a grassy spot near the entrance to the roller coaster line and collapsed to the ground. Everything was blurry and out of focus as I stared at a pebble on the ground. I rubbed my wrist, wondering if this was all just a horrible dream.

How did I get here? I knew why I didn't tell him. If I had told him he would have done the same thing. Maybe I was just better off with someone like Bobby.

No. I felt anger rise up, a hot fire burning in my belly. I didn't deserve that. I deserved someone who treated me like I was worth something. If Andrew couldn't see past my mistakes, then he wasn't worth my time. I didn't need him either. A tear dripped down my cheek, hot and painful. I knew I was lying to myself, feeding on anger to justify my pain. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to feel some kind of physical pain just to make my chest hurt less.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We had been happy.

I loved Andrew. I couldn't help it; I had loved him since I first kissed him walking home from school. It hurt more than anything to think that he could give us up. That he, of all people, couldn't see past my mistake. I was going to lose not only the love of my life, but my best friend too. I buried my head in my hands and cried, not caring at the people walking by and staring.

Chapter 13

The fire roared its dominance, throwing flame to the sky like fireworks. Light and shadow danced as the fire advanced, never stopping, never ceasing. Its hunger grew with every tree consumed, every blade of grass devoured.

I sat under the shade of a tree for a long time. Time lost meaning, my world ticking by on the regular interval of screams of the happy people on the coaster. I watched happy couples stroll by, hand in hand. Families with children running by. Teenagers giggling with friends. Laughter everywhere but in my dark little corner.

"Holly?" Ray's voice cut through the fog in my head like headlights. I looked up, knowing my face was tear stained and miserable. Mascara lined the collar of my shirt from me wiping my eyes. "Holly, are you okay?"

I shook my head no, not trusting my voice. My throat hurt from crying. I didn't think I had any more tears left in me. Ray came and sat next to me on the grass, close enough to hear me whisper but not touching. I noticed his face was pale, the handsomeness I had noted the other day was gone. He looked old and tired.

"I heard you and Andrew had a fight?" he said, staring straight ahead, his hands on his knees. I nodded, wrapping my arms around my knees in a ball of misery.

"Me and Audrey too. Apparently, today was not a good day for either of us," he sighed and looked up at the sky. It seemed strange that it was still so beautifully blue even though we felt so terrible. "Audrey took Andrew home. I called Luke. He's going to come pick us up," he stated softly. I felt a tear I didn't know I still had run down my cheek. Nothing was going right today.

"Luke's mad at me too," I whispered. My voice hurt.

"I know. He said that you promised not to date Andrew. Well, at least he won't be mad about you dating him anymore," he said trying to make fun of the situation. I just stared at him, my heart hurting too much to do anything else. Ray didn't know that this was exactly the situation we were trying to avoid all those years. His face fell back into sadness as he looked at me, "Sorry. I'm no good at this."

"Me neither," I said softly. A series of screams washed over us. "What happened with you and Audrey? I know you were arguing this morning about something, but it didn't seem that serious," I asked as rested my head on my knee. It felt nice to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn't something pleasant to talk about.

"Old wounds. Yesterday, I asked her something she wasn't ready for. Today it blew up it my face. Again. Maybe I'll learn someday," he said with a sigh. "I don't really want to talk about it."

I nodded. I didn't want to talk about it either. We sat there, both of us heartbroken and damaged in the grass watching the world go by. We didn't talk again, we didn't need to. We both hurt, but it hurt less to have someone there. We had a silent conversation, neither of us needing to speak but just needing to be heard. I was glad he was there.

Ray's phone rang. He actually had an old school phone ring as his ring-tone and something about that made me smile. It suited him.

"Luke's at the main gate. You ready?" he asked, standing slowly. He offered me a hand to stand. It was warm and solid; it felt good to have a connection to the living world. I dusted myself off and followed him through the park, watching the happy people like they were an alien species I couldn't understand.

Luke was leaning against the passenger side door of his beat up Camry. My feet faltered. I didn't want to face him. Ray glanced quickly between us and mumbled something about needing a bathroom and darted off to find a restroom. I stood exposed as Luke closed the distance between us. My heart rose into my throat and I felt sick.

Luke wrapped his arms around me, holding me close. I stood still as a statue, my brain too confused to do anything else. After a moment he put both hands on my shoulders and ducked his tall frame down to look me in the eye. I felt too much shame to look at him.

"Holly, you know I can't stay mad at you when you've been crying," he bent lower, trying to make eye contact. "Come here. This, too, will turn out alright in the end," he said pulling me in for another hug.

"I'm so sorry Luke. I never meant for any of this to happen," I said in a broken voice.

"It's okay. I forgive you. I just didn't want any of us to get hurt," he murmured into my hair. I appreciated that he never said "I told you so."

I sucked in a deep breath of him, his smell comforting and familiar. Leather, sawdust, and something that was just Luke. My walls broke again, knowing that Luke, my big brother, would never let me fall. I sobbed into his chest, as he held me close, rocking gently and murmuring into my hair.

Luke slowly released me as my sobs subsided. I didn't know I had any tears left, but I was now thoroughly drained. I just wanted to sleep. To sleep and wake up and have this be a bad dream. Luke guided me to the backseat of his car, Ray already in the passenger seat. He looked at me with eyes filled with sympathy and shared pain as Luke got in the driver's seat and started the car.

As we turned onto the highway, I could feel my eyes getting heavy. I didn't want to feel anymore and sleep beckoned to me. I rested my head against the window, the world blurring quickly as I drifted off. I could hear the radio singing softly, my tired mind picking up on the familiar lyrics. Elton John's voice sang "Your Song" like he was in the car.

I heard Ray take a shaky breath and I could see tears on his face. His breathing was uneven as he switched the radio off and we drove in silence. I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep. I didn't want anymore pain today.

▪▪▪

I'm sorry. Please call me.

I sighed. I had sent him that message everyday for the past week and a half. He hadn't responded back yet. I wanted to cry.

"You texting him again?" Luke leaned against the door frame, sunlight streaming around him. My lips scrunched to the side as I nodded. I couldn't help the bitter expression. Luke crossed his arms. "You just have to give him some time. You dropped a bomb on him, and he is still trying to figure out what just happened. He'll come around."

"That's what you said last week. I just wish he would at least let me explain," I said with a pout, flipping my phone around in my hands.

"Holly, just give him time. He is hurting too," Luke said quietly. I put my phone in my pocket and walked outside. Luke's eyes followed me as I walked past him through the door, his arms still crossed.

It was beautiful outside. A perfect spring day in May. The news ran stories every night about how little snow we had received this year, but it was hard to complain when it was so gorgeous outside. The sky turned bluer every day as the heat of summer approached. Even though it was only May, I was wearing short sleeved shirts. The sun felt deliciously warm on my skin as I leaned up against the railing and looked out at the pine trees. This summer was going to be miserable. I could already feel the dryness in the air, the grass turning browner instead of green. I couldn't remember a spring this warm.