Fire Down Below (20 page)

***

And this becomes my new morning
routine. I’m up at the crack of dawn, drinking swamp juice, working out with Ben
and his Moonie friends. It’s a strange new way of life, but I’m surprised at how
quickly I adapt. I think the fact that Ben and I are having tons of delicious
sex is certainly helping matters. Granted there’s a little more strenuous-styled
Kama Sutra
involved then I’d prefer, and he still likes me to keep
things shaved down there, but he’s happy and he’s making sure I’m happy too.

A couple of weeks into it Linda,
Juliet, and Rochelle confide in me how they’ve been trying to get Rochelle and
Ben together for ages. Apparently Ben hasn’t been interested and they were
totally baffled by this. They even thought he’d sworn off women, though my
existence obviously disproved that theory.

I’m tempted to tell them the truth.
That from what I’ve seen of Rochelle, Ben would never go out with her in a thousand
years. All that bleached hair and frosted makeup? No way. Plus she’s crude. Ben
doesn’t mind occasional crudeness in the bedroom, but it’s not acceptable in
public, and never from a woman. Also she smokes. I know she tries to hide it by
always chewing breath mints, but I can smell it on her. If I can smell it, then
for sure Ben has smelled it, and there is no way he’d date a smoker.  

  The three of them think Rochelle
is beautiful though and it’s all a big mystery why Ben hasn’t been interested
in her. Rochelle, of course, struts around like she’s Miss America.

“I guess he prefers brunettes,” Linda
says, referring to my dark hair.

“That must be it,” Juliet nods.  

“Oh come
on
, all men like
blondes,” Rochelle says, trying to flip her bleached hair, which doesn’t budge
an inch it’s so teased and lacquered with hairspray. “It’s because she and Ben have
all that history together, right?” She looks at me so I can agree with her.

“Sure.” I nod, adjusting the
incline on my treadmill before we start our ‘motivational’ walk. What I’d like
to tell her is that Ben would never date her because she’s a floozy, but
obviously I can’t say that. I could never be that mean, even if it is true. Ben
flew to California this morning for work and isn’t around to hear this
fascinating conversation, although I’m sure his ears are burning. I actually
came here all by myself, if you can imagine. I was tempted to skip out, but I
suspect they’d tell Ben if I didn’t show up and then all that delicious sex would
vanish in a nanosecond.

“We even thought maybe he was
gay,” Linda tells me.

“You’re joking,” I say.

“Not at all. He’s so handsome and
he takes such good care of himself.”

“And he’s so neat,” Juliet chimes
in. “Have you seen the inside of his car? There isn’t a speck of dust
anywhere.”

I smile, thinking about Ben’s
tidiness. His being gay isn’t that weird of an assumption now that I think
about it. Good looking, single, mid-thirties, extremely tidy. Heck, he must be
gay!

“And no matter what we tried, he
wasn’t interested in Rochelle,” Linda continues. “It’s a shame because we
thought they’d make such a cute couple.”

Rochelle sighs and nods in
agreement. They’ve obviously had this conversation many times. “I always
thought we’d be really good together. And I
know
I could make him happy.
There isn’t a man alive I couldn’t make happy.”

I roll my eyes. It doesn’t even
occur to them how rude it is to discuss this with me. It’s like they
still
wish Ben would date Rochelle! If only he knew all the scheming that’s been
going on behind his back with his female fan club.

***

With the knowledge that Ben is
going to be gone for a week I feel a guilty sense of freedom. It’s like the
warden is on vacation, so the inmate gets to run wild. I know this sounds bad
and, of course, I miss him. Fred, my newly christened vibrator, has already gotten
some action since Ben’s departure, a testament to how much I’m missing him. But
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to sleeping in late on the
weekend and not having to drink those horrible smoothies every morning.

I purposely don’t make any plans
for Saturday and when I roll out of bed at noon, I feel luxuriously well
rested. I don’t bother with a shower or even brushing my hair, and instead make
myself a double mocha, sipping it slowly while reading through the paper.

When I finish my coffee, I decide the
next decadent thing is going to be watching a movie while eating cookies and
ice cream. This is hardly nutritious breakfast food, but I don’t care. I’ve
been working out and dieting like crazy these past few weeks, so a little
decadence is in order. I get out the bag of chocolate chip cookies, along with
the pint of vanilla ice cream I picked up after work last night, and bring
everything into the living room. Lifetime has a movie that started only ten
minutes ago, so I’m sure I can figure out what’s going on. I make myself a
plate of ice cream cookie sandwiches and as I get comfortable eating my first
one (ecstasy!) the phone rings.  

“Heddo,” I say, my mouth full.

“Hey Kate, it’s me.”

Ben! I look down guiltily at the
plate in front of me. Does he have some kind of special radar? I suddenly remember
how we used to play around with whipped cream in bed years ago and I feel a
strange kind of sadness. I miss the old Ben. The new Ben will never approve of
this. He’s always telling me how bad dairy products are for you.

“Are you eating something?” he
asks.

“Granola,” I lie.

“I didn’t know you like granola.
You know you have to read the ingredients for those. Some of them have nothing
but sugar and hydrogenated oil in them.”

I pick up another ice cream sandwich,
feeling wicked. “This kind is okay,” I say, as I lick all the vanilla ice cream
from around the edges of the cookie and then take a bite. “I bought it at Whole
Foods.” Ben only shops at Whole Foods, so I know he’ll approve of my phantom
granola.

“Oh? That’s good. I tried calling you
earlier this morning, but there wasn’t any answer. Did you go somewhere? I left
a message.”

“I went out for a run.” Boy, these
lies are coming fast. I’m amazed how easy this is and I don’t even feel guilty.
The truth is I turned off the phone in my bedroom so it wouldn’t disturb my
sleeping. “I guess I forgot to check my messages.”

“That’s all right. Hey,” he pauses,
lowering his voice, “I really miss you. I know it’s only been a day, but I
can’t believe how much I miss the way you feel against me. I thought about you
all night.”

Okay. Now I feel guilty. I’m a
loser. I suck.

“I miss you too,” I say, putting
down the ice cream cookie.  It doesn’t taste as good as it did a minute ago.

“It’s going to be torture going a
whole week without you,” he says.

“I know, me too. My bed feels so
empty. So does my shower, my dining room table, and my living room floor. I
can’t go anywhere in my house without thinking about you.”

Ben chuckles. “Yeah, we’ll have to
rechristen all those places when I get back.”

“Mmm, I can’t wait.”

“So what are your plans today,
anything fun?”

“I’m just going to hang out at
home, maybe watch TV for a while and then surf the web.”

“That’s all you’re going to do? I
thought the weather was nice up there. You should go outside.”

“Maybe later.” Though in truth I
have no intention of moving my butt from this couch unless it’s to get up and
grab a bag of potato chips from the cupboard.

“Hey, I know! Why don’t you take
your roller blades out and practice on the trail?”

Ben bought me some roller blades
as a surprise early birthday present recently. It was very nice of him. He
bought a pair for himself too and we went out last weekend for the first time.
Despite having never done it before he was, of course, immediately brilliant at
it, while I was all over the place like a total spaz. I must have fallen down
ten times—luckily I had plenty of padding. When I asked him later why he bought
me roller blades, he told me it was because I had mentioned that I used to enjoy
roller skating as a kid. In other words, it was a thoughtful gift and I could
hardly fault him for it. I keep hoping I’ll grow to like it and it’ll be
something fun we can do together.

“Maybe I’ll take them out and
practice tomorrow morning,” I say. “But today I need a break. I’m just going to
hang out at home and do nothing.”

Ben is silent. “If that’s what you
really want. I don’t know why I bothered getting them for you though if you’re
not going to use them. They were kind of expensive. Plus it’s a shame to waste
a nice day sitting inside watching TV.”

I push down my annoyance. It would
be so easy to have a fight, but I’m trying very hard to get along. “We can’t
all be as omnipotent as you are Ben. Some of us are merely mortal. Don’t you
ever feel like you want to relax?”

“Sure, but not when it’s sunny
outside.”

I sigh. “Okay, you know what? You’re
right. I should take advantage of the great weather and go out roller blading.”
Another lie, but sometimes it’s easier.

I can feel Ben’s approval
immediately. “Glad to hear it! Make sure you wear all the safety gear, I
wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

We talk a little bit about the job
site near San Francisco. He says it’s interesting and that the area still has some
quake debris on it from ’89. I envy how much he enjoys his work, especially
since my job enthusiasm has been more than lacking lately. Before we hang up,
he says he’ll call me again tonight.

“Okay.” I’m thinking maybe we
could have some phone sex and how fun that will be. And then he says something
that completely surprises me.

“I love you, Kate.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he laughs self-effacingly.
“Pretty romantic telling you on the phone like this isn’t it?”

“Well,” I give a dramatic fake
sigh, “a girl can dream.”

He laughs some more. “I’ve been
meaning to tell you, but I’ve been feeling shy about it. You know?”

“It’s okay, I understand.”

There’s a moment of silence where
obviously I’m expected to say something.

 “I love you too,” I finally say.

“Do you? You don’t have to say
that just because I said it.”

“I’m saying it because I want to.”

I can feel Ben grinning through
the phone line. “Can you believe we’re back here again after all these years—crazy
huh?”

“I know. It’s like we’ve come full
circle.”

***

I spend the rest of the afternoon
watching woman-in-distress movies on the Lifetime channel. I even have a pizza
delivered, something I haven’t done in ages. It’s the most relaxed I’ve been in
a long time and as I sink deeper into the couch I realize how much I needed a
day like this. I honestly don’t know how Ben does it. It’s like he never wants
to sit still for more than a minute. I admire his energy, but it’s hard for me
to keep up. I think about our phone conversation and us saying the “L” word.
Ben has changed so much over the years and I have too. I love him, but I think
we’re also still getting to know each other again.

As I’m pondering all this with a
slice of pizza in my hand, flipping channels, the phone rings. I assume it’s
Ben, though I’m happily surprised when I hear Declan.

“What are you doing?” he asks, in that
honey-tongued voice.

I look down at the pizza box and
empty ice cream container. “Eating junk food and watching junk TV.”

 “All day?”

“Pretty much.”

He chuckles. “That’s sounds very
constructive.”

“Oh it
is
,” I assure him.
“So, what are you up to?”

“Working.”

I make a tsk, tsk sound. “On a
Saturday? That’s not good. You need to take a break. In fact, you should come
over here and help me eat all this pizza I ordered.”

“A tempting offer to be sure, but
one of us has recently quit his high paying job to start his own business.”

“Well, who on earth told you to do
that?”

Declan speaks in a monotone. “It
was the voices in my head. I couldn’t make them stop.”

“Doctor,” I say worriedly, “I don’t
think our patient is responding to his therapy.”

“It’s a sad case, nurse. We’ve
done everything we can to save him. There’s only one option left.”

“What’s that?”

“We’ll have to shove an ice pick through
his eye.”

“Yuck, Declan!” I put my pizza
down. “You’re sick.”

He laughs. “What do you mean? That’s
how they do a lobotomy.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, basically it is.”

“And why do you know this?”

“Because I do. It’s just in there along
with all the other useless clutter in my head.”

“No,” I say primly. “It’s because
you’re a guy. Women don’t retain information like that.”

“You’re probably right,” he agrees.
“You wouldn’t believe some of the gross stuff I know about.”

“Oh no, you’re not going to start telling
me any of these things are you?”

“Now that you mention it, I might
have to. Did you know—”

“La, la, la,” I sing. “I can’t
hear you!”

“Oh come on. It’s fun grossing
girls out. Why else do you think guys know so much weird stuff? It’s what we
live for.”

“Oh, so that’s how you get your
kicks, huh?”

He chuckles softly. “That and a
few other ways. I could show you sometime if you like.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet.” Though I have to
admit I feel a little tingle at what he might show me. “So is this the reason
you called?”

“Not really. I thought I’d let you
know that I heard from your friend Lauren the other day. She invited me to your
birthday party.”

“I know. I gave her your number. I
hope that was okay.”

“Sure, it’s fine. And then
yesterday your other friend Suzy called me and she invited me to your party as
well.”

I laugh, feeling embarrassed. “She
called you too? I guess she got the number from Lauren.”

“They were both very nice. I’m
curious to finally meet them.”

I pick up the can of soda I’ve
been drinking and take a swig. “It should be a really fun party. I wish I was
turning twenty-five instead of thirty-five though.”

“Don’t worry, it’s not so bad.
Take it from someone who’s been there.” Declan is two years older than me.

“Right. Spoken like a man who
doesn’t have a biological clock ticking. I mean you have nothing to worry
about. You can still have kids when you’re sixty.”

“That’s true, but I don’t want to
be an old man when I finally get married and have children.”

I try to imagine Declan married
with kids and for some reason it gives me an ache in my chest to think about
it. I wonder what woman he’ll eventually wind up with. She’ll be lucky, that’s
for sure. He’ll make a great husband and father.

“I’ve been thinking about what you
said when you came over last time,” he continues. “That whole sperm donor
business. In a way I think your mom is right.”

“Really?” I feel mildly shocked.
“You think I should get pregnant with a sperm donor?”

“No, I’m not saying you should
rush into anything that serious, but she’s right about how important family is.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for the right woman for so long, but lately I’m
realizing I need to be realistic. We can’t always have exactly what we want. ”

“I know. I hate to admit it, but I
always thought I’d be married by now. I never imagined myself single for so
long.”

“Me either.”

“Is that true?”

“It is. So how are things going
with you and Ben?”

“Oh,” I pause, “they’re fine.” For
some reason I feel funny telling Declan about how Ben and I said I love you to each
other earlier.

“How about you? You’re probably
too busy right now to meet anyone.”

“I’m definitely busy.”

We’re both silent. I find myself
wishing he was sitting here next to me. I push the thought away though, since I
suspect my intentions aren’t entirely pure and I feel guilty.

“I should get back to work,” he finally
says. “I’ll see you at your birthday party though.”

“Okay, see you then.”