Fire Down Below (27 page)

***

We get to Alice’s Attic with barely
enough time to buy popcorn and soda. The place is a tiny art house movie
theater that smells old and musty and seats about 25 people. It’s the farthest
thing from a huge multi-screen theater that you can imagine. It’s more like
you’re sitting in someone’s dank attic watching obscure home movies on their
grandpa’s reel to reel projector. In other words, Declan and I love it.

As we settle into our seats—we’re
the only people in the theater—I ask Declan what the movie’s called.

“
Devil Woman Revenge
.”

“That sounds terrible.”

“I know,” he grins at me and waggles
his eyebrows. “It’s going to be good!”

Watching the film it becomes clear
that Declan was right. Not only is it arcane, but it’s also in Spanish and as
far as either of us can tell, it has no plot whatsoever. To make matters worse,
neither of us speaks Spanish, and the subtitles really are indecipherable. Whoever
wrote them appears to have only a passing acquaintance with the English
language.

“What do you think “happesta” is
supposed to mean?” I whisper to him.

Declan chomps on some popcorn. “No
clue whatsoever. I’m still trying to figure out why this woman is French
kissing her brother.”

“That’s not her brother! I’m
pretty sure that’s her husband.”

“Are you sure? I thought the guy
with the red bandana was her husband.”

“No, I think that’s the other
devil woman’s husband.”

“The one that breeds those
poisonous snakes?”

“Yeah, although I don’t see how
they plan to rob a bank with just those snakes.” Declan looks confused. “Why do
you think they’re robbing a bank?”

“Because they keep showing that
glass building with a flag out front. Isn’t that a bank?”

“I thought that was the embassy.”

“Why would they be going to an
embassy?” 

“I have no bloody idea!”

“This is like the worst film ever
made,” I say laughing.

“I know. It’s ingeniously bad,
isn’t it?”

We look at each other and grin.

We spend the rest of the movie cracking
jokes and coming up with alternate plot lines. By the time it’s finished we’ve
completely re-written the film ourselves and have pretended to accept numerous
awards and accolades for our script.

“I couldn’t have done it without
my trusty sidekick Kate Alexander,” Declan says in a pompous voice as if he
were addressing a large audience.

“Trusty Sidekick?” I elbow him in
the chest. “You wish! I’m the brains, Baby. The creative force. Without me,
you’d be nothing. Less than nothing!”

“And as you can plainly see,” he
continues, looking at me sideways, “she’s my inspiration, the one and only true
devil woman.’”

“Oh such flattery,” I say, fanning
myself. “Stop before you make me swoon.”

***

When we finally leave the theater
and walk outside it’s dark and the streets are empty, so maybe that’s why
Declan reaches down to take my hand. Maybe it’s a protective instinct. All I
know is that as soon as his fingers touch mine it sends an erotic shock through
my whole body. Our eyes meet and Declan must feel it too, because he
immediately drops my hand. Neither of us says anything and there’s an awkward
silence as we continue walking.

It’s a cold, clear night and I can
smell garlic wafting around us from one of the nearby restaurants. As the
silence continues I feel acutely aware of Declan beside me. Not only his
physicality, but his presence, that special something that makes him unique and
it makes me want to hold his hand again, makes we want to do more than hold his
hand. I’m engaged now, I remind myself. It’s wrong for me to be having these
thoughts about Declan. I glance over at Declan and he’s wearing an expression like
he’s deep in thought.

“Do you think you’re doing the
right thing marrying Ben?”

At first I’m taken aback by his
question. Even though it’s the same thing my mom asked me the other day, coming
from Declan it gives me real pause.

“I think so,” I finally say. “I’m
tired of the whole dating scene and not having someone permanent in my life. I
don’t want to wake up one day when it’s too late and wish I’d had a family.
Plus I love Ben.”

He nods slowly.

We continue walking and I keep
waiting for him to say something more, but he doesn’t. I want him to though. This
wild notion comes into my head where I want him to fall to his knees and declare
his undying love for me, to tell me he’s the only man I should ever be with. For
a moment I want it with all my heart. But then reality comes crashing back and
I realize it’s only a girlish daydream. Declan and I may be great friends, and
we may even have a physical attraction for each other, but that’s all. Because
the fact remains—he’s not declaring his undying love for me, is he?

We climb into his SUV and I wait
for him to drive back to where I’m parked, but instead he asks if I want to go
have a beer. 

I agree, so we head down to
Pioneer Square near one his favorite Irish pubs. The place isn’t crowded,
probably because it’s a Monday night. Declan nods a hello to the bartender,
holding up two fingers to order us a couple of pints of Guinness.

A few minutes later he places one
of those glasses of black brew right in front of me. I never used to like dark
beer, but I’ve developed a taste for this stuff.

Declan takes a long draw, before
putting his glass back down. “That hits the spot.”

“Is it as good as the ones you’re
used to?”

“No, but it’s not bad. Nothing
compares to drinking a pint back home.” He takes another draw and then leans
his head back and closes his eyes.

“What’s wrong? You seem stressed.”

“It’s been rough these past couple
of weeks.”

“Is it work?”

He opens his eyes, but doesn’t
respond right away. Instead his gaze wanders around the room finally settling
on a couple of guys playing darts in the corner.

“You seem on top of things,” I
continue. “What’s there to be stressed about?”

“I am on top of things, but
there’s a lot of pressure. Since we’re a start-up we have to really perform. We
can’t afford to make any mistakes. It wouldn’t take much to send us packing at
this point. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to make it home to Dublin for
Christmas this year.” Declan usually flies back and spends the holidays with
his family every year.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure if we’ll have
adequate coverage.”

I take a sip from my beer and
think about how brave he is. I don’t know if I’d have the guts to put
everything on the line in the way he has.

“Are you ever scared that you guys
will go under?”

He shakes his head. “I can’t
afford to think like that. There’s risk involved. I know that. Sev and I would
lose everything if this blew up in our faces.”

“You’ll succeed. I can’t even
imagine you failing at something. You’re always so thorough.”

“Yeah, I’m glad you have faith in
me.”

“I do.”

We talk for a bit more, slowly drinking
our beers. There’s no discussion of Ben or Nina or anything to do with our
romantic lives. Instead we talk about personal things. I tell Declan how I’m
sick of my job and that I want to do something more creative, that I’m thinking
about putting a portfolio together.

“You should,” he agrees.

“I’m scared though. What if I don’t
make it again?”

“Again? What do you mean?”

I sigh. What I’ve never told
anyone before is that I didn’t come back to Seattle only because my dad had a
heart attack. That was part of it, but I didn’t have to stay here. I stayed
because I wasn’t able to cut it as an artist in Manhattan. It’s embarrassing to
admit because I thought I was good enough, but it turns out I was wrong. What
if I’m still wrong and I can’t make it as an artist out here either?

Declan shakes his head after I
tell him all this. “You’re good enough. I saw your stuff and it’s totally
professional. You’re very talented.” He pauses and then meets my gaze. “I’d
tell you the truth if I thought otherwise, you know that.”

I nod. “It’s just so competitive.
There are a lot of talented people. Talent doesn’t seem to be enough these
days.”

“That’s true. Talent isn’t enough.
You have to be relentless. You can’t give up and if you fail or meet rejection,
you can’t let it keep you down. You have to pick yourself up and try again.”

“You guys aren’t having any
failures or rejections though. It’s all happening so easily for you.”

Declan smiles wryly. “This isn’t
the first time I’ve had my own business.”

“It’s not?”

He slowly shakes his head. “No. A
few years back, when I was still living in Boston I started a software company.
I sunk nearly everything I owned into it.”

“And it went under?’

“It did.”

“You never told me that. What did
you do?”

He puts his beer down. “I started
over. Moved out here, built up my resources until I was ready to try again.”

“That’s amazing.”

“It’s not amazing, Kate. It was
hard when my company didn’t make it, but I learned a lot in the process. Do you
know most successful business owners have at least a couple of failures before
they succeed? If there’s something in life you really want—you have to go for
it. Follow your dreams. Even if it’s hard and even if you’re scared.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“Well then your mom is a smart lady.
Something tells me she hasn’t lived her life afraid to fail.”

“No, she hasn’t.” I feel tears sting
my eyes. “But she’s not afraid of anything. She’s one of those invincible
women, the kind who if she’d been living back in the frontier days would have given
birth and built her own log cabin all in the same day.”

Declan chuckles. “I think you’re
made of the same stuff.”

“I don’t think so.”

“I’ve never seen you back down
from anything.”

I sit back quietly and consider
this. For the most part it’s true. It’s not in my nature to back down. Instead
of thinking about work though, I think about Ben and how I’ve been sublimating
myself to keep him happy, doing whatever he wants. Compromise is one thing, but
this hasn’t been a compromise. It occurs to me that I can’t keep this up
forever. We’ll be married, but I’ll be miserable. It’s a disquieting thought
and I realize I’m going to have to talk to Ben.

***

The next day Ben calls me at work
to let me know he’s decided not to fly up from California for Thanksgiving,
which is only two days away.

I try to hide the disappointment
in my voice. “I thought you had a plane ticket for tomorrow. We’re supposed to
go over to my parent’s house for Thanksgiving.”

“I know, but I changed it to
Friday. I don’t want to deal with the airport and how crazy it’s going to be.
Everybody knows that’s the worse day of the year to fly.”

“But what will you do by yourself
down there?”

“I don’t know. I’ll figure
something out. It’s not that big of a deal to me.”

I’m silent. It’s not like
Thanksgiving is some big deal to me either, but for some reason I still feel
hurt. It’s like he can’t be bothered to brave a crowded airport to spend our
first holiday as an engaged couple together.

“I was sort of hoping we could
talk,” I say.

“About what?”

 I take a deep breath. How do I
explain that I’m having doubts about our future happiness together? Plus I
don’t want Ben to think I’m attacking him. “Forget it. It’s nothing. We can
talk when you get back.”

After we hang up my thoughts
wander to Declan and I wonder what he’s doing for Thanksgiving. After hanging
out together last night I find that he’s been on my mind all day. Would it be
inappropriate for me to invite him over instead? Probably. He’s one of my best
friends though and I don’t care. It would be great to spend the day with him. I
call him from my cell. Declan answers almost immediately.

“Well, if it isn’t the devil woman
herself!”

“Just calling to torment you.”

“Hmm, sounds interesting.”

I laugh. “You wish. Actually I’m
calling to see if you’d like to come spend Thanksgiving with me at my folks’
house?”

“Em...Nina invited me to spend it
with her.”

“Oh.” I feel deflated. I should
have known he’d have plans, plans that would of course include Nina. They’re
obviously an item now.

“I didn’t tell her I’d spend it
with her though. I told her I’d think about it. It seems too soon for us to be
spending a holiday together.”

“Yes, it is too soon. That’s why
you should come spend it with me and my parents.”

“Isn’t Ben going to be there?
Something tells me he wouldn’t be happy if I showed up.”

“Ben’s in California and isn’t
coming back until Friday.”

He’s quiet, mulling this over.
“All right, I’d like to spend the day with you and your family.”

Of course when I meet Suzy and
Lauren for a quick dinner after work and tell them about this, they both look
at me like I’m nuts.

“You invited Declan to
replace
Ben?” Suzy puts her menu down.

“Well, he’s not replacing him,” I
say defensively. “I figure my mom was counting on a certain number of guests
and now that won’t change.”

“Are you going to tell Ben that
Declan is coming over?” Laurens asks.

“Sure. If he asks, I’ll tell him.”

Suzy and Lauren exchange a glance.

“Hey, I saw that. It’s not like
I’m inviting Declan for a sleepover, it’s just Thanksgiving.”

“Nina told me she invited him to
our parent’s house,” Suzy says. “I guess he decided he’d rather spend it with
you.”

I feel a small thrill at her words—he
chose me over Nina! “I think he felt it was too soon to meet them. How serious
is this thing between him and Nina anyway?”

“I’m not sure. Nina is being
closed lipped about it. I can tell she likes him though.”

Suzy asks Lauren if she’s heard
from Paul, since he flew back a couple weeks ago, and Lauren says she talks to
him every day. He’s planning to fly back out when he has his Christmas break
from teaching.

“I told him I usually go down to visit
my parents in Los Angeles and he said he’d love to meet them! Isn’t this all so
crazy? I have to tell you guys, I think he’s the one. “

“Wow, really? How do you know?”

“It’s just a feeling I have. It’s
like I can really be myself when we’re together. I feel so relaxed. I’m sure
it’s the same way that you know Ben is the one.”

“Of course.” I nod.

  Later that night I find myself lying
in bed unable to sleep and I keep thinking about Lauren’s words. How do I know Ben
is the one? I do love him. He can be annoying at times, but I know he means
well and he just wants to be helpful. Plus we have a shared history together. He’s
good looking and we have great sexual chemistry. It would be nice if I could
relax and be myself around Ben, but he’s always so uptight. Maybe I’m just
having misgivings because I’ve never been engaged before. I’m sure everyone has
doubts about their partner at one time or another.