First and Last (20 page)

May 2006

I
don’t spend nearly as much time visiting Mom as I should. When I was growing up, I had to accept the ghost and memories of my dad. They were everywhere and brought a lot of pain at first, now it’s a dull ache. But I smile warmly as I remember Dad playing hide and go seek with us and always hiding behind the couch so we could find him easily. Or when Luke and I were really little, we’d have tickle wars and he’d tickle us until we couldn’t breathe.

I’m not quite there with my ghosts of Mia.

She’s been a constant in this house as much as anyone else. Hell, even the kitchen counter reminds me of the very first day I met her and we ate grilled cheese sandwiches together. And it fucking hurts. Maybe with Dad’s death there comes a finality to the situation. He’s never coming back, and we all had to come to terms with that. But Mia’s out there somewhere, and the reason she’s not in my life is all my fault. That’s a harder pill to swallow.

The other reason I avoid coming over here is staring at me as I fish my keys out of my pocket to leave. I freeze when Mr. Avery pulls into his driveway. I haven’t talked to him in years. Not since Mia and I broke up. He probably thinks I’m the biggest prick ever, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to kick my ass. Hell, I deserve it.

“Blake, how’s it going?”

“Uh, good, Mr. Avery. How are you?” My fingers fumble with my keys as I fight the instinct to run. It’s funny that I’m twenty-two years old, but can be reduced to a six-year-old in this moment.

He walks closer, crossing into my mom’s front yard. I expect to see a scowl on his face, but he looks genuinely pleased to see me, and that shocks the hell out of me. “Where have you been? Man, you’ve really filled out,” he notices once he’s in front of me. “It’s been way too long since I’ve seen you.”

I spend all my free time in the gym, so I have changed quite a bit since he saw me last. “Yeah, well, you know.” I look at the ground and shift my weight from foot to foot. “It felt . . . awkward.”

“I heard about you and Mia breaking up,” he says.

I rub the back of my neck and look up at him. “How is she?”

“She’s doing okay. Different, but good.” That’s all I wanted for her, so there’s a small sense of relief that she’s doing well even if it’s tainted with sadness. “Look, she wouldn’t tell me what happened. All I know is she was pretty upset about it. Took it really hard, so I’m assuming it was more of a one-sided breakup versus a mutual one, right?”

I let out a sigh. Man, where do I even begin? “No, it was me.” I look down at my shoes ashamed. It still hurts just as bad now admitting that I threw everything we had away.

“Not every relationship works out, but I never understood why you weren’t at least friends.”

“Because I ruined that too. I don’t want to say I took the easy route, because there’s been nothing easy about the torture I’ve endured knowing I messed everything up. But trust me when I say she wants nothing to do with me.” My hand goes to my chest and rubs the empty spot inside it.

“How do you know?”

“I saw it.”

“Then you’re not looking hard enough.” My focus snaps back up to him. He turns and starts walking back to his house leaving me confused.
What the hell did he mean by that?

He stops and faces me one more time. “She graduates next weekend. The ceremony is at the basketball arena at noon on Sunday. I could leave an extra ticket with your mom if you want to come.”

Is this my way back into her life? God, what if this blows up in my face and she’s moved on? It would crush me all over again to see her with someone else. Especially if she’s with that douche, Pete, still. But would Mr. Avery even bring it up if he was setting me up for failure? If there’s the slightest chance of getting her back in my life, I’ll jump all over it.

Despite my concerns, I find myself saying, “I’ll take it.”

I drove up to Columbus, Ohio yesterday after my shift at work so I wouldn’t be late to her commencement. I owe Gary big time for switching shifts with me so I could have the weekend off. Now that I’m sitting here waiting for everything to start though, a lead ball sits in my stomach as I wonder if this was the right choice or not.

Mr. Avery has been an unexpected help. We’re not sitting together, but he did let me know that Mia was planning to meet him outside the front doors when the ceremony was over so he could take her out to eat. I’m not sure why, but he seems to be in my corner rooting for us.

The ceremony drags on for quite a while before they finally call out names. When they announce Mia Avery, my heart beams and aches for her at the same time. I’m so damn proud of her accomplishments, even if I didn’t get to see her achieve them along the way. I’m here cheering her on at the finish line, and whatever happens after, I’ll have no regrets about coming.

From here, it’s hard to see her. There’s a jumbo screen behind the stage, but it’s still not a clear image of her face.

The wait is agonizing as I listen to each student’s name being rattled off. My anxiety increases with each name knowing I’m one step closer to seeing her again. When graduation finally comes to an end, I know this is it. They’re funneling everyone out of one exit. They allow family and guests to exit first before dismissing the graduates. Outside the door, I wait with flowers in hand as each person files out. I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet and I start to sweat profusely. It’s been three long years since I’ve seen her, and the last time wasn’t on great terms. What do I even say to her? Dammit, I should have practiced. But all these thoughts vanish from my head as I see her walk out the double doors.

I swear she moves in slow motion, the wind blowing her long, blonde hair as she holds her cap in one hand. She’s all smiles as she laughs with a couple girls walking with her. My lips form a small smile too as I take her in unnoticed. My breath catches as I stare at her longingly. God, I’ve missed her so much. She’s older, more mature and sophisticated looking. It’s in the way she carries herself, exuding self-confidence. A sharp pang hits me in the chest, but it’s nothing compared to the myriad of emotions swirling through me when her eyes fall on mine.

She comes to an abrupt stop and the person behind her runs into her back, causing her to stumble forward a step. Her mouth opens and closes a few times before she looks around and walks toward me hesitantly.

My hand runs through my hair. “Hey,” I say when she reaches me.

“Hey?” She clears her throat. “Uh, I mean, hey.” Confusion is written all over her face, but what hits me most is what’s missing.

Happiness.

Her smile from earlier is gone, and her eyes are void of emotion and light. It doesn’t exactly set my nerves at ease.

“Congratulations. These are for you.” I hand her a bouquet of purple flowers. I don’t miss the trembling of my hand and hope she does.

“Are you—I mean—were you—” Her eyes close, and she takes a deep breath. “What are you doing here?” she blurts out.

“Look, if you want me to leave, I will. I wasn’t even sure I was going to try to see you, but I couldn’t miss this. This is a big deal, and it felt wrong not to be here for it.”

Her eyelids flutter a few times and her mouth opens while she searches for something to say. I hold my breath waiting. “I have to go find my dad now.” She starts walking away, the need to escape evident. “Thanks for the flowers,” she says over her shoulder.

My head hangs low in defeat. I’m not sure what I had expected, but I had hoped it would be better than this. No, this can’t be it. Turning around, I sprint back to her. “Wait, Mia. Can we talk later?”

She searches my eyes for the longest time. “Yeah, I’ll text you.” And then she’s gone.

I think I wore a hole in the carpet of my hotel room while I waited for Mia’s text. Part of me doubted she would, but she did. So, here I am at this small diner where she’ll walk through any minute. I wipe my hands on my pants as I stare at the door. Finally, the bell above it chimes and she walks in.

She looks beautiful in her long, flowy summer dress with her hair in soft curls down her back. Her deep blue eyes pierce through mine when she looks my way. I’ve dreamed of those eyes so many nights that it’s almost surreal to be looking into them again.

“Thanks for meeting me,” I tell her, breaking the awkward silence. Well, it’s still awkward, but at least it’s not quiet.

“Sure.”

Neither of us continues after that. I guess we’re both waiting to see where the other takes the conversation, but it’s becoming clear no one wants to go first.

“I know it’s been a long time. You’re probably seeing someone and want nothing to do with me.”

“I’m not,” she interjects quickly, “seeing anyone that is.” She looks at the table, her cheeks tinting red from blurting that out. I, on the other hand, have to work hard not to show how much that information pleases me. I also can’t read too much into the fact that she told me either.

“Well,” I start again, clearing my throat. “It’s probably too little too late, but I had to see you and apologize for being such an ass.”

“Which time?” Her eyebrow arches, letting me know she’s not going to make this easy on me.

“Every time. When we broke up, that night at the club, all of it.”

She nods her head slowly and looks at her hands in her lap. “It’s okay,” she says quietly, the lie seeping from her mouth.

“No, it’s not.”

She glances up at me with a flash of anger in her eyes. “You’re right, it was never okay. Why didn’t you call?” The exact thing I was dreading seeing is staring me back in the face right now—pain and heartache.

I shrug. “I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.”

“You have no idea how hard that was for me. It felt like I died twice. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, but my best friend too. And I never understood why. Did you not love me anymore?” Tears prick her eyes and I will her not to cry. I hate when she cries.

“God, no, Mia. I’ve never stopped loving you. My love for you is a part of my heart, my soul, the very thing my body is made of.”

“Then why?” Her voice cracks on the last word, further splintering my heart.

“I got scared, okay? You looked so happy with your new friends and new life, and I didn’t want to be left behind. All I could see was you not needing me anymore and running off with some rich, educated guy. I thought it would be better to end things sooner rather than later when you realized I wasn’t good enough.” Once the words start coming out, I can’t stop them and I purge the last three and a half years of insecurities and guilt.

“You should have told me,” she says when I’m done.

“I know. Trust me, I know.”

“Did you think so little of me—of our relationship? You say ‘trust me,’ but isn’t that what you should’ve done? I don’t know what I did to make you believe I’d leave you behind.”

“It wasn’t you, it was me. I can’t tell you how sorry I am and how much I wish I could turn back time and do it all over again.”

“The part that gets me every time I think about that day is how you used me. I just can’t get past it.” Her eyes fall back to the table, seemingly looking at it for answers.

“Used you?” My brows furrowed in confusion.

When her gaze meets mine again, it’s almost vacant, and that scares me. “You fucked me then went on your merry way as if I was nothing to you. I thought you’d at least call the next day or so and explain what happened, but I got nothing. Just used like a two-dollar whore to get yours before walking out of my life forever.”