First (23 page)

“A gift?” I lean away from her. “I’m going to die in less than a week. Did you know that? Doctors are going to strap me down on a table and kill me, just so Socrates can live another lifetime.”

Her face blanches just a second before she looks away, wringing her hands. “I didn’t… I didn’t know. You’ve got to believe me.”

“You had no idea.” She won’t look at me. “I guess they were right, then. They said you didn’t know about it. I didn’t think you’d actually allow me to be chosen if you knew.”

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. When she opens them, she looks even older and more tired. “No. I didn’t know. I… well… I suspected they might not be telling us everything.”

“But you still let me go? They’re going to
kill
me. How is that okay?”

“It’s not, but there’s… there’s nothing we can do about it now.”

“I can’t believe this. I thought you loved me.” My words hit her like a physical blow, and she clenches her fists at her sides.

“How dare you say that? Of course I love you.” I shake my head and start to protest, but she holds up a hand. “Is this really the kind of life you’d want? Married to a man you don’t love with children who will also have to stand in a line, waiting to be chosen? Is that what you want?” Her face gets all blotchy and red. Tears fill her eyes as she reaches out to touch my arm.

I pull away. I don’t want her kind of comfort. “Maybe, maybe not. That doesn’t matter. Socrates said I have a choice. He said that if I didn’t want to do this, I don’t have to, and you know what? He’s right.”

She angrily shakes her head. “Blood wins, every time. Your father and I were afraid of that.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your knack for arguing, fighting, breaking the rules.” She sounds bitter, as though she’s had this discussion before. “We thought it came from your mother’s side of the family.”

I lean back, feeling the blood rush from my head. “But you’re my mother. Don’t you mean from
your
side of the family?” I’ve never met my maternal grandparents. They were older when they had my mother and died before I was born.

“No, I mean your birth mother’s family.”

“Are you telling me you’re not my real mother?” My mind reels, but my body is frozen. All little kids dream, or have nightmares, of finding out their parents aren’t their real ones, but in reality? Never in a million years.

“I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, and if you’re so determined to know the truth about everything, then no, I’m not.” She spits the words at me as if they’re poison. “Haven’t you ever noticed that you don’t look a thing like your brother or sister?”

“I… well… no… but I’m not… I can’t be… Rosie was my sister. Max is my little brother.”

“Half-sister. Half-brother. Your mother…”

“I’m not your daughter?”
I can’t believe this.
She reaches out to me again, but I step back. “Don’t touch me. Tell me the truth.”

“I’m sorry. Your mother died shortly after your birth. You’d be dead, too, if I hadn’t agreed to take you in, so you have no right to be angry at me.”

“What do you mean?” She pauses so long, eyes looking inward, that I think she’s not going to say anything, that she’ll let me leave without telling me what on earth she’s talking about.

“I know you loved your father, and you won’t want to hear this, but when he was younger, he was… well… a bit wild.” One of my last memories of my father, teaching me to help birth a horse, comes to mind. He was always so careful, always trying to keep me safe. Not a wild bone in his body. “He had an affair with… with… that woman.” She winces at the words, as if even now, so many years later, the thought of my father sleeping with another woman still burns her.

My mind whirls.
This can’t be possible.
“No, he would never do that. He loved you.”

She reaches for me again, the pain in her eyes so vivid I let her take my hands, too numb to pull away. “I’m afraid so. We had only been married a year and—”

“What was her name?”

“Moriah.” She drops my hands as if they are scalding hot.

“Was she from here?” I feel detached. Everything makes some weird sort of sense. She’s always treated me differently than my brother and sister. I thought it was because I killed Rosie. Now I know it’s because I’m the bastard child of my father’s mistress.

“No. She moved here just before the affair started. I don’t know where she lived before, some other farm, I guess.”

“What was she like?”

“How can you ask me that? Your father and I were barely married a year before I found out she was pregnant.”

It hits me. The law. Adultery has particularly steep consequences.
“The Chesanings found out?”

“Of course, and she was banished, as is the law. They were going to send you out with her, but the night before they took her out into the forest she begged me to take you. She knew the wilderness was no place for a child, that you wouldn’t stand a chance out there.”

“And you… what? Adopted me?”

She shrugs. “I knew it wasn’t your fault, and I so wanted a child.”

“What happened to Dad?”

“Nothing. She admitted it was her fault and claimed she seduced him.” A satisfied look crosses her face, and she nods, as if justified. Is she proud of this? That a woman died?

Disgust rises in my throat.
You were my hero, Dad.
How could you? She was pregnant with your kid. You abandoned her.

As if hearing my thoughts, she continues. “You have to understand. If your father hadn’t done what he did, he would have been banished, too, and then you would have died with the two of them.”

“Did he love her?” The words escape my mouth before I can stop them.

Shock, then rage quickly turns her face from white to bright red again. “No! How could he? He chose
me
, us, over her. He saw the error in his ways, and we raised you together, as a family.”

“What happened to her?”

“Suicide. After she was banished, she found some hemlock and swallowed it. We found out later she had connections to Live Once and was planted here to infiltrate the farm. It’s kind of ironic, really, you being chosen as a Second since all she really wanted was to stop that program.” She glances over my shoulder. “I know we probably should have told you earlier, but we didn’t think you’d ever need to know. You have to understand, despite everything, I’ve always loved you.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. My mother… well, the woman I thought was my mother, loved me. Right. I mean, maybe in her own way she did, but it’s not the same as all the other kids. I could never please her. Now maybe I can guess why.

“No, really. You’re the most amazing daughter I could have wished for.” She smiles and reaches for me.

I pull away. “That’s a lie. I’m a horrible daughter. I killed my own sister!”

She looks away quickly, and something dark and slimy shivers up my spine.

“What, next you’ll tell me that was a lie, as well?”

“Mira, stop, please. It happened so long ago. Don’t make me talk about this.” She’s hiding something else. I can feel it.

“Has my whole life been a lie? No wonder you wanted me to leave and never return.”

Her hand cracks against my cheek before I can react, and then her finger pokes me in the chest. “You want the truth? Well, here it is. There was a First who was supposed to come the morning after your sister’s fifth birthday. His name was Nabokov, and he was looking for a young girl with black hair and green eyes. He liked them as young as possible and was coming to our farm first.”

“But what does that have to do with her disappearance? That was my fault. It was so hot that day, and she wanted to go swimming, but I wouldn’t go. I wanted to hang out with Tanner instead.”

“If I tell you more, will you promise not to tell anyone?” She looks so miserable I feel myself feeling sorry for her, just a little bit because after she lied to me about being my mother all those years, well, it’d take a whole misery to make this right.

“Who would I tell? I’ll be dead in a few days anyway.” I know I’m being mean, but I can’t help myself. She winces again at my harsh words. “Just, please, tell me what happened.”

“We… well, your father and I met someone who said he could help. This man—I never learned his name—said that if we could arrange for the two of you to meet him in the woods by the border, his people would get you to a safe place. We’d never see you again or even hear how you were doing, but it’d be better than the alternative.” She paces back and forth in front of me, not once meeting my eyes, as if I would judge her and blame her for Rosie’s death the way I’d blamed myself all these years.

“And you believed him? He could have been a pedophile, a murderer, someone who sells children.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like to be a mother and to know your children are in danger. You’re right. We should have told you.” She reaches for me.

I brush her hands away and shake my head to clear my thoughts. “You should have told me a lot of things. Did she make it? Is she safe?” In my mind, I see little Rosie with her long blue-black curls twirling in the wind, her hands full of dandelions. Giggling, laughing, alive.

My mother frowns. “I don’t know. You were supposed to go with her, and if he didn’t show, you’d both come back.” She scrubs at her eyes.

“So since I didn’t go, you let her go out there, in the forest, alone?”

Her face hardens. “She wasn’t supposed to be alone, remember?” Anger flashes in her eyes.

I shake my head. Suddenly, I feel as if a weight has been lifted, but instead of feeling relieved, I feel tired, exhausted.
No, Mom, you’re not going to pin this on me any longer.
“You know, for seven years I’ve blamed myself for my sister’s death. And now I find out the truth, and it’s
still
my fault.”

“I’m so sorry, Mira. I love you, really I do.”

“But if I’d gone with Rosie, she might still be alive, right?”

She shakes her head. “W-we don’t know that. She might still be alive anyway. The man—”

“Yeah, because some stranger, whose name you don’t even know, might have taken her. Or she could have wandered into the forest and been killed by wild animals. Or the man himself might have…” I shake my head. I can’t say it. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll never know. No wonder you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you. How can you say that?”

“You lied to me about my mother, lied to me about my sister, let me feel responsible for her death all my life, and you call that love?” I shake my head, and based on the look on her face, it’s as if I actually hit her.

She puts her hand to her mouth. “I think it’s time for you to leave. You’ve caused enough damage.”

“You know what? I’m glad I’m leaving. I’m glad I won’t have to look you in the eyes ever again. See your lies, your hates, everything that you’ve ever told me that wasn’t true. Even getting banished is better than coming home to you.” Her face blanches even whiter. “Yes, you heard me right. I’m not doing it.” Suddenly, my heart feels lighter than the air around me. I feel free, giddy even, and laugh. “I’m not doing it. As soon as I can, I’m telling Socrates the deal’s off. I quit.”

I turn around and leave her standing there, shoulders drooping, tears dripping down her face. This time, I don’t beg her to let me stay. I don’t run up to her, hug her, or tell her I love her. I’m done with that. Socrates and Will wait in the courtyard, talking to Tevan and watching this year’s crop of new foals frolic in the small pasture next to the barn. A sorrel filly, Diamond, is one I birthed. Part of the training I’ll never need.

When I emerge into the sunshine, all three heads turn. I square my shoulders and walk over to them, hoping they can’t read the emotions on my face.
Fat chance of that, I’m sure.

Max, jittery in the doorway to the barn, runs out into the sunshine and tackles me. “Mira!” He grabs me around my waist so tight I can barely breathe. “I missed you. Mom said I’d never see you again.”

I crouch and hug him back, breathing in the little boy sweet sweat scent on the back of his neck.
Oh Max, I’m so sorry.
“I missed you, little man. I came back to see you.”

“Why? Mom said you couldn’t. Tommy said you were gonna die.” He looks up at me, a way-too-mature sense of worry creasing a line between his baby soft eyebrows. “Are you?”

What do I tell him? Yes, I was going to die, but I changed my mind? That I’m going to see if Tanner can get him free? I tilt his chin so he looks me straight in the eyes. “Tommy’s an idiot.” Max grins in relief. “Of course I’m not going to die.” Just saying those words brings relief, and I smile back at him. “I’m going to have to leave for a little while…”

“No!” He squeezes me tightly, and I bury my face in his neck again.

“But I’m coming back, I promise.” Socrates can find a new Second. My brother, sister, everything that happened is too big, too important. I can’t just bow out now. Tanner was right. I need to fight.

I set Max a little bit away from me and say, “I want to stay. Really I do, but I can’t right now.” I kiss him softly on the forehead. “But I promise you I’ll come back. You’re my little brother. I couldn’t stay away even if I tried. Besides, if I did, you’d get big and strong and come after me, wouldn’t you?”

He nods vigorously. “You bet.”

“Now you have to be strong for Mom, all right?”

He nods again, more solemnly this time. “And help Tanner, okay? He’ll need your help around the farm.”

His chest puffs up with pride.

“You better get out of here, okay? Before your teacher catches you missing school.”

He spins around and takes off. I guess in Max’s world, everything’s all right now. I wish I could say the same for mine.

Just as I head back over to Will and Socrates, I hear Tanner yell, “Mira!” He hurries toward me, sunlight glinting off his rusty-blond hair, sweat stains spotting his brown coverall. His face is bruised, his left eye black and his bottom lip split and crusted over with dried blood. A long cut follows his hairline from the left temple down to his chin. I notice a hitch in his step. There must be worse injuries beneath the surface. He slows as he reaches me.