First Chance (8 page)

I haven't decided yet who
m I am comfortable with her shadowing. Since she’ll be spending copious amounts of time with the guy, I want it to be someone I can fully trust. She answers with a short “I’ll think about it.” Whatever. She won’t have a choice tomorrow night. With the set list completed we get off the bus and head into the arena through the guest only entrance.

Sound check goes easy and fast. We have enough time to go back into the dressing room
, have a few shots and usually I would be chanting over and over again what city we were in so I wouldn't forget. But since we've been here for a week or so it’s already ingrained. I use what time I have nursing a glass of tequila. I don’t particularly like going on stage shitfaced. It can only lead to bad choices ending with really bad consequences. So I let the guys enjoy their fun and search the minx out.

Walki
ng around the halls backstage, I don’t spot her pretty little face anywhere. I ask a few roadies and they haven't seen her either. Guessing she must have decided to just stay on the bus. Unquestionably aggravated by it, I stop searching and head back to the guys with a few minutes to spare.

“
Find what you were looking for?” Gage questions.

“I wasn't l
ooking for anything, or anyone I just wanted to make sure Jack got our set-list.” I snap back.

“Sure, that's what you were doing. Are y'all re
ady to start this fucking tour?” Gage shouts ecstatically.

The guy has an infinite amount of happy energy. I envy it. Zepp places five shot glasses down, fills them to the brim with Jameson
’s and hands them out.

“Bottoms Up”
he says as he smacks his glass against mine.

Downing mine in one swig, I
let the burn set in and breathe it out. Sitting my now empty shot glass down on the dressing room table, guys following suit we walk to the stage.

“Hello Boston! Are. You. Ready. To. Fucking. ROCK.”

Chapter 9

Natalie

Overhearing Steele ask one of the roadies where I was, I cowered into the wall hoping to make myself disappear from his view. He is way too intense. Every time our eyes meet his emotions flow out and push onto me. Holding me captive whenever we are within vicinity of each other. It is best if I stay out of his way, this attraction that I feel, only lust, nothing good can come out of.

Ryan Hurst, a mystery I
want to investigate and unravel. Denying myself an interaction with the man of the hour, day, week, next two months I run off back to where I had entered only moments before. The crowd. Not a fan of strange hands groping my ass, I usually stay in the back. Yes, even when I am an obsessed fan of the performer.

I need to hide though
I do not want Steele spotting me in the audience. The first place he would look is in the way back. So I hide, right in plain sight, in the pit. Promising myself I won’t linger too long. I pull my hood up on my sweatshirt to hide myself from view, to blend in. I missed the opening acts. It wasn't as crowded as now. Thinking it was best for me to join when everyone was mashed into one another.

As the lights dim down, one by one the guys take place on the stage. I've spent the better part of today with them, from what I've seen Steele is the leader, and there’s no question as to why or how that came to be. The man is demanding and domineering, from my experiences to date he is like that in every aspect of his life.

I see Ryan take hold of the microphone and say his intro, causing everyone in my area to start jumping up and down, some asshole spilling quite a bit of his beer on me before snapping it back upright in his hand. I can’t even hear what he’s saying because everyone is screaming back, mostly obscenities even including some sexual offers.

I slide out of the spot I
was in, not wanting to take a chance on drenching myself in alcohol even further. While pushing through other concert goers they start their first song, one I haven’t heard before. I end up in between a woman who’s jumping up and down, and pulling her arm back and forth. Her elbow coming pretty damn close to my face each time. And behind me is a guy, with the body of a defensive linebacker, let’s hope he decides not to mosh, it certainly wouldn’t end well.

When the woman isn't jumping around like
a god damn kangaroo on crack, I end up with a pretty decent view of the stage. Taking Layla up on her advice, to opening my mind, taking advantage of the opportunity that was forced upon me. I listen, I close my eyes and just take it all in. Allowing Steele's voice to take me to the emotions, the place that he is singing about. His song, it must be his. Singing with such strong conviction, about loneliness, desperation, hate. Such contradiction, I wonder what situation he was writing about in his life to have written this, doubtful that anyone but him wrote this. No one can sing a song with such raging passion, if they didn't own it. And owning this song is exactly what he was doing on that stage when I opened my eyes.

Wrong. I was wrong about him.
I do not have to be a fan of his music to appreciate his artistry. Writing lyrics is an art, an extremely hard one, you bear your soul, allowing strangers in, allowing them to understand what you have felt at some point in your life. If the song wasn't yours, everyone would see past the facade. It won’t sound real, a fan cannot connect to something unreal. Disconnecting myself from his words, from his soul weakening voice, I untangle myself form the crown and run back to the tour bus.

Rather than be
around when they get back from the meet and greet I decide to hide in my bunk. Steele will know when he sees me that I heard. Once I was told my eyes were an open book, try as I might to lock myself into box I am forever failing at concealing my emotions. I need time, time away from his demanding prying eyes. Lifting my pillow up, I lift my iPod out from under my pillow and unravel the earphones, hoping I won’t even hear them come back before I drift off to sleep. Hitting shuffle, the most poetically beautiful voices starts singing, Mumford & Sons.

“You saw my pain washed out in the rain, broken glass saw the blood run from my veins, but you saw no fault no cracks in my heart, and you knelt beside my hope torn apart.

But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view, and well live a long life, so give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

Cause oh they gave me such a fright, but I will hold as long as you like, just promise me we’ll be alright
”

W
iping tears from my eyes, I hit repeat and let the song play over and over. Until I fall asleep.

Waking up, the earphones must hav
e fallen out, I overhear the guys talking. They must have come in not too long ago. Trying to maintain the appearance that I am still asleep, I overhear them. I recognize Steele's voice but there’s another one. I haven't officially been introduced to him but I know his voice. It’s Zepp.

“I
don’t fucking care if she’s sleeping Zepp, let me the fuck through! She could have gotten herself hurt with that childish act she pulled out there.” Steele screams. Shit.

How could he have seen me? I made sure to blend myself in. Only staying for one song.

“Ryan, go calm yourself down. This is something we can discuss in the morning, help her understand why it isn't safe for her to do something like that. Raging at her like a goddamn bull will not help. Come on man, you remember when we would sit at the fucking bar while our opening acts would perform. We had to go with the changes, she’s not used to this.” I hear Zepp argue back.

I cringe inwardly. C
losing my eyes hoping Zepp doesn't let him go, only for him to confront me.

I hear the door of the tour bus
open then shut with a slam. Suddenly my curtain is slid open. It’s Zepp a hard glint in his eye. “I've held him off as long as I can. When he comes back in here no one else including me will be able to stop him.”

H
e must have noticed how tight I was clutching the blankets underneath my body, his face softens. “Just stay in here, get some sleep, and Natalie please don’t pull a stunt like that again.” With that he slides my curtain back to close and I hear his footsteps retreat and then the bus door shut gently.

Unlocking my IPod I
check to see what time it was, eleven pm, he must have ran right off stage as soon as they closed out the show. Fortunately, the meet and greet was now and from what I've heard they should be gone for quite a few hours. Putting the earphones back in and I drift off to sleep.

I run to the door wondering who would be knocking this late at night. Layla right behind me, I open the door to a police officer, he asks my name, then Layla's. His name is Officer Pettys, he tells us to get our shoes on and to join him outside.

“It’s an emergency.” He states.

Instantly my palms start sweating and my body starts shaking, uncomfortable about the unknown. And right now there is something definitely wrong.

When Layla and I go outside the police car is already pulled up, officer behind the wheel. We just get in, not asking any questions. I can tell he doesn't want to speak. Maybe trying to put off the inevitable, not wanting to irrevocably change our lives. I know that this is a dream. My body still in the sleep haze. I feel like I am a third person looking in from the outside. Watching myself, watching my life about to crumble. Everything I had ever thought I knew about life, was about to change forever.

Bod
y still asleep, my mind still awake, I try to push through this. It’s a dream, a recurring one actually more like a nightmare. I relive this memory quite often, I have lost count of how many times I’ve had this same exact nightmare. Hating that my mind is stuck in limbo, I can hear people around me awaken. I can smell food cooking eggs and bacon. All I want is to wake up fully, so I try to push through the haze of distant memories. Trying to clear my mind, to fly away from this dream and push that tragic night back into my subconscious.

Embarrassing myself, I
awake with a scream. My curtain is thrown open and Steele's face is in mine, checking me over. Prying into my personal space. I’m speechless. My body is shaking. From the embarrassment or the churning of my gut I haven't decided yet. I shove Steele out of my way and jump off the bunk running to the bathroom. My body smashes into another body, this one hard. It knocks me on my ass.

I
don’t even glance to see who it was, I pick myself up and scurry to the bathroom. Locking the door I lift the toilet seat, pull my hair away from my face and vomit. I vomit until there is nothing left, my abdominal muscles cramping because of the heaving, my eyesight sprinkled with white dots from lack of oxygen.

Sweat dripping down my face, I
stand up and turn the faucet on to the sink. Cupping water in both of my hands I splash the water upon my face letting it run down, mixing with my sweat. Looking in the mirror, the stranger I see, the sadness that consumes me, I know she is me. But I do not recognize her, not anymore.

Forcing myself to ignore my reflection I spy
someone’s toothpaste sitting on the small counter, since mine is currently in a zip-lock bag in the back bedroom I squirt a little onto my finger and rub the toothpaste along my teeth and over my tongue. Spitting out the toothpaste, trying to wash away the acidic taste in my mouth. Someone starts pounding on the door.

“Who is it?”
I ask. No answer. Pounding resumes.

“What do yo
u want?” No Answer.

Fuck this, I
am the only woman on this damn bus the least they can give me is some semblance of privacy.

Whipping the door open, hand still in a fi
st, pounding ferociously it stops inches from my face.

“What! What is such an emerg
ency, you could not wait until I was done?” I groan.

He doesn't say a word. H
e shoves me back, far enough back in this cramped bathroom, so that he can fit in here as well. Shutting and locking the door, he’s looking at me, eyes hard with not a trace of his usual smirk.

Clueless as to what I could have done I
start attacking “You have no right coming in here, assuming you had permission. Who do you think you are?” There’s nowhere to move. I’m stuck. My back is up against the wall, the shower on my right, toilet on my left. He is near the sink, about a foot away from me and he’s inching closer. I’m stuck, watching his feet and waiting for a reply. I’m doing all I can not to look up.

I
don’t want to know what he has to say. With the look he had on his face last it couldn't be anything good. His feet meet mine, and it’s as if I have no control over myself, he does this to me. I look up, into his eyes, no longer filled with anger, but lust? Shooting my eyes back down, to the ground, to our feet, where our toes are meeting. It’s impossible, there is no fucking way he is looking at me like that right now.

My body reacting, I
feel goose bumps sprout all over my skin, my breathing picking up and I can barely disguise it. He angles his body even closer, still not touching I feel his breath on my ear.

“You my Minx, would do well remembering that th
is is my tour bus, so wherever I choose to be, whenever I want to be, I can.”

I shake
. Anger replacing the hormonal reaction I was previously having now draining away.

This man must truly believe he is god, the all-fuc
king-mighty. I'll be damned if I let him think he can walk all over me. Reminding him I am not another piece on his long list of property he can run. “Oh, Steele.” I say, with a flirtatious roll of my eyes, drawing him in. I align my lips with his ear and whisper in “Babe, it really would be best for you to remember, you are the manipulative asshole who forced me to be here. Just because I am here does not mean, in any way shape or form, that I want to be here. That I want you or at any rate I even like you. Just, Leave. Me. Alone.”

He stand
s still. Still processing what I said. I shimmy against his side and leave the bathroom while he will still let me.

Keep
ing my emotions in tight rein, I put a smile on my face. The facade always holds people back from asking questions, not that anyone ever truly cares. It’s a show allowing some to put on an air of generosity and faking sincerity in caring what happens to you. No one gives a shit about the fucked up half-life I have lived for the past five years. Truth be told though, I fair pretty well with that.

It could be the guard I
have around my heart that only Layla has ice picked her way into. Entering the back bedroom. I lean into the closed door, allowing myself to have a temporary mental breakdown. Tears begging to be released from my eyes, I permit them. Clutching the door like it’s my life raft, keeping me uprooted from falling to the floor in a severe panic attack.

As the shuddering of emotion leaves my body, my tears slowly start forming. I feel pres
sure against the door. Someone is trying to enter the room. I’m praying it isn't Steele. Not now. He would only stampede over my feelings. He’s not caring of anyone else but himself. I wipe my tears on the sleeve of my shirt just hoping that my eyes aren't as puffy and swollen red as they feel.