First Contact (14 page)

The Arthropodan Ambassador hired a date from the Yab Yum Club. Also desperate for a date, the spider commander brought his ex-wife Amanda. Major Desert-Sting brought three dates, females from the Scorpion City National Guard secretarial pool. My son Joey Junior, not to be outdone, sported a bleach-blond bear on his arm. The floozy was all paws, and Joey Junior ate up the attention. I was not a happy parent about the spectacle.

“I thought I raised you smarter than that,” I admonished. “Blonds are nothing but trouble.”

“
Whatever, Pops. I’m an adult now. I’ll do as I please.”

“
Private, you’re in the Legion now. Do not call me Pops again, or I will send you to the barracks early.”

“
Whatever, sir!” replied Joey Junior, saluting as he took the blond Bigfoot out for a waltz. “I’m feeling lucky tonight!”

“
Whatever, indeed!” I fumed, scoring a free drink from the bar.

The bears were doing a sort of slow nonstop waltz square dance. Some participants dropped out to rest, but the kaleidoscope of fur continued. The pace quickened as the evening wore on. Dancers often switched partners in the chaos, but somehow most eventually found their original dates. Joey Junior seemed to be having a good time.

“Care to dance?” asked a big red furry bear suddenly blocking my view.

“
Oh, hell, no!” I answered. “I’m not even drunk enough to do that.”

“
You will be soon,” growled Big Red, almost dislocating my shoulder as she pulled me out onto the dance floor. “The midnight hour approaches. You do not want to miss the grand finale.”

“
What do I care?” I asked, being whisked about the floor like a rag doll. “Stop leading. Tell me you’re a female!”

“
Silly human,” gushed Big Red, nipping me on the neck. “We will be partners at midnight.”

The dancing increased to a frenzied pace as midnight got near. Bear waiters padded back and forth with drinks as guests rushed out to dance. Even the Bear President entered the fray with the First Bear.

At midnight trumpets sounded, starting the chaos. Some dancers separated to find their dates, but most began mating with whomever they found themselves with. I should have known. It was the ‘Fucking Bears’ video from the space probe all over again, except this time I was an unwitting participant. Bear medics pushed gurneys up and over the humping masses to render first aid to bears foolish enough to try to mate with scorpion secretaries. Even I’m not that stupid, usually.

Ambassador Yamashita immediately got into an argument with Lulu about duty and expectations of diplomats and their spouses. It seem
ed Lulu did not want to mate with anyone, not even her husband. Yamashita was willing to hook up with a rough-looking grizzly sort, but Lulu was using a high heel shoe to fight off the advances of a bear general. No matter how pervasive, Yamashita’s ‘when in Rome’ argument did not fly.

Amanda pushed the spider commander away and was happily mating with as many giant hairballs as she could. What a slut. The Arthropodan Ambassador, seeing a chance for a diplomatic coup over the human pestilence, gulped his drink and joined in. The Ambassador was crushed between t
wo female bears in heat, dying horribly. Seeing the carnage, the spider commander fired several shots in the ceiling as he fled out the front door. What a pussy.

Me? Being a celebrity and Hero of the Legion, the paparazzi and news media zoomed in for a close
-up scoop. Next to me, General Daly waved to the cameras, hoping for good press as he fornicated with the First Bear. Legionnaires from the security detail joined in. I drew my sidearm.

“
Czerinski, you candy ass!” taunted General Daly. “Your country needs those lasers. I expect you to do your duty for humanity, for America, and for world peace, God damn it! Hoorah!”

Oh what the hell
, I thought, holstering my sidearm.
You only die several times.
I fondled several of Big Red’s boobs, making the nipples hard. I started getting into it, even giving all those nipples some tongue action. Big Red was getting into it, too, turning and bending over, inviting me for some ‘bear style’ sex. I eagerly joined Big Red in an erotic rhythm.

However, as I gulped another drink, I staggered, causing us both to fall sideways. Knowing cameras were on us, I did not miss a stroke. We continued, still on our sides. For world peace. Actually, it was quite comfortable. I could have gone at it all night in that position.

We made galactic history, inventing a new sexual position, dubbed by the press as the ‘lazy bear.’ Across the galaxy ‘lazy bear’ parties broke out in clubs and dance halls. Uptight liberal Democrats in Congress called for my court marshal, for conduct unbecoming an officer, but were ignored by the Republican majority because of national security concerns. Dems are always weak on defense issues.

The CIA took note, incorporating my lazy bear technique into protocol manuals for first contact with aliens. I was awarded the Distinguished Intelligence Cross for valor above and beyond the call of duty, and for exploring new worlds, boldly going where no man has gone before. Hoorah!

###

~BONUS SHORT STORIES~

Agent Smith

by Walter Knight

FBI Special Agent Smith drove to Tonapah, Nevada, to investigate the arson of a Burger King fast food restaurant under construction. Initial reports from the Nye County Sheriff
’s Office stated that a single laser-like hole was found burned through the outside menu sign. This first hole lined up perfectly with a second set of holes melted through the Burger King main building.
An X-Files case? Maybe, in light of recent top secret mobilization of the military at nearby Area 51, and a similar arson attack found on the database from New Gobi City on planet New Colorado.

At the very least, Agent Smith intended to ask a few questions. He met Sheriff
’s Deputy Art Bell at McDonald’s fine food restaurant located across the street from the arson. Two days later, the Burger King rubble had already been bulldozed.

“
You’re mistaken,” advised Deputy Bell, producing a copy of the original investigative report. “I don’t know how these conspiracy theory rumors get started, but that burger King was destroyed by a gasoline type accelerant poured at the front door. I am sorry you wasted your time coming all this way on a wild goose chase.”

“
I see,” replied Agent Smith, disappointed. “You were the first on the scene?”

“
Deputy Alan Boatwright was first to respond. Boat had a heart attack yesterday. He’s dead.”

“
I’m sorry.”

“
Tonapah is a small community where everyone knows everybody. Our loss is a real shock.”

“
I guess there isn’t much for me to do,” lamented Agent Smith, shaking hands as he got up to leave. “I suppose talking to the fire department would be a pointless.”

Deputy Bell handed Smith a copy of the fire chief
’s report. “Not really. There are no leads. It’s an insurance problem now.”

“
Will Burger King rebuild?”

“
No, Burger King changed their mind. Too bad, so sad. I love their flame-broiled burgers.”

“
Okay, I’m out of here,” announced Agent Smith, turning to leave, then stopping. “One last question. Has there been anything else odd or out of the ordinary in town? Anything at all?”

“
Nope. The only excitement in Nye County is the gold strike over in the ghost town of Belmont. Most everyone is looking to get jobs out there. Maybe me, too.”

“
Right. Thank you for your time.”

* * * * *

Agent Smith drove to the newly constructed corporate headquarters of Iron Mike Mining, located in the boom town of Belmont. The place bustled with activity. Huge ore trucks rumbled down the dirt streets to the open pit mine north of town. CEO Iron Mike greeted Agent Smith at the front door, personally escorting him to his office.

“
What can I do for the FBI?” asked Iron Mike, nervously. “I assure you I’ve paid the IRS their extortion taxes and obtained all the necessary permits to mine and possess gold.”

“
I am not sure,” answered Agent Smith. “Do you maybe use laser beams to mine, or know anything about laser beams?” he asked, not expecting much of an answer, but taking a wild shot in the dark. “Are you into aliens and UFOs like everyone else out here by Area 51 seems to be?”

“
No! I exercise my right to remain silent from your persecution. I know nothing about lasers or space bears.”

“
Bears? Who said anything about bears?”

“
Whatever! I’m calling my attorney. If I’m not under arrest, get out!”

“
Lying to a federal agent is Obstruction of Justice, a felony,” warned Agent Smith. “I am going to turn your life upside down until I find out what you’re hiding.”

“
I have nothing more to say!”

* * * * *

When Agent smith returned to his car, it had been squashed flat by a giant ore truck. The hit and run perpetrator left a note stuck through the radio antenna. ‘Sorry about your car. Too bad, so sad. Welcome to the Kingdom of Nye.’

###

Johnny Black Escapes

by Walter Knight

Johnny Black, ex-soldier, ex-baseball player, and now vampire fugitive escaped from Area 51, fled south to the familiarity of southern Arizona where he grew up. The lovely cactus desert looked the same as always, a tough land for interlopers, but paradise for natives and tourists with money.

Money is always an issue, even for vampires, especially for homeless fugitive vampires. There is a lot of money in Arizona, but it
’s guarded behind gates, walls, and security cameras. Ha! Try to film Johnny Black? It can’t be done!

However, there is another kind of money in Arizona
. New money. Drug money. Money flash-floods through like an arroyo on its way south, profits from the drugs bound north. Mortal fools can’t get enough drugs. As if their lives weren’t short enough without addling their brains on drugs.

First things first. Johnny needed shelter from the day. He walked along the electrified Nogales border fence, checking out the abandoned
‘ghost’ houses facing south. An electrified fence, that was another thing new, along with landmines. The landmines were small devices, just barely big enough to blow off a foot, but they deterred armatures from crossing.

This section of West Nogales was dark, the lights having long ago been sniped out from across the fence, but that suited Johnny fine. The dark suited Johnny when hunting prey. It was not long before Johnny found what he was looking for, fools undeserving to add to humanity
’s gene pool.

Two men driving a pickup truck backed up to the fence on the Mexican side. They quickly erected a catapult, soon launching tightly packed marijuana bundles up and over the fence. A lone man on the American side gathered the bundles, strapping them to shoulders and waist. So loaded with treasure, the man stumbled away to one of the ghost houses. Johnny followed.

“Who’s there?” shouted the man, drawing his nine-millimeter automatic and lighting up the room with a flashlight. “Go away or I’ll shoot! This is my house tonight!”

Johnny studied the man from his perch on the ceiling. He could smell the man
’s fear. The fool even crossed himself, thinking that might save him. Ha! Superstitious Catholic! Johnny crept down the wall.

The man fired several shots at shadows. A cold sensation came over him as be backed into a corner, gun still raised. Johnny
’s fangs tore into the man, decapitating his head. The fool was dead before his body hit the floor. Immediately the man’s cell phone rang, undoubtedly his two friends hearing the shots, concerned about the packages. No matter.

Johnny ripped open a package, pulling out a clump of tightly packed marijuana.
Damn, no rolling papers!
He searched through the man’s pockets.
Booyah!
At least the fool came prepared. Johnny quickly rolled his own and lit up.
Freedom, that’s what it smells like
, mused Johnny, relaxing for the first time since escaping. The phone rang again. Johnny smashed the phone like a bug.

Starving, Johnny dined heartily on his victim. He stuck the automatic in his belt and searched the carcas
s again, this time finding a roll of twenties wrapped in a rubber band.
Sweet.
Even vampires need money. It’s as good as cash.

Johnny searched the house. Long abandoned, it was littered with debris and broken glass. Rats scurried away with each step. He smelled urine and feces everywhere. Lowly humans deserve their fate, Johnny told himself. See how they live!