First Sight (27 page)

“Good evening, Timmie,” he said cautiously as he walked in. She thought he looked nervous, which was unusual for him. He never had before. “Did you work hard today?” he asked, as they both sat down and she asked him what he wanted to drink. He asked for champagne, since he was off duty. She had a glass of mineral water, as she sat on the couch across from him.

“Yes, I did work hard today,” she said with a smile. “The day after the show is always a lot of work. Thank you for coming to the dinner party last night.” She had seen that he’d been sitting between two intelligent women, and hoped he’d had a decent time.

“It was very nice.” He smiled warmly, and she caught a glimpse of his friendly, kind expression, familiar from the hours they’d talked in the hospital four months before. “You were nice to include me.”

She was dying to ask about the state of his marriage, but didn’t dare. Instead, she inquired about his kids, and he said they were fine.

“Thank you for your card last fall,” she said with a shy smile. “I almost answered it and then thought that was silly.” He pulled his shirtsleeve back then with a broad smile, and she saw the watch.

“It was a very handsome gift. You were very bad to do that,” he scolded her.

“I like being bad.” She laughed. “You were very good to me when I was sick.” It seemed aeons ago now. She suspected that other patients had given him similar gifts before her, but it was always a little touchy as a single woman, giving a gift to a man, particularly if he was married, which seemed to be no longer the case now, given what he’d said on the phone when she called to invite him several weeks before.

“You’re going to New York tomorrow?” She nodded. “For business or pleasure?” he inquired, and she laughed again, as he began to relax. She looked beautiful when she laughed.

“There is only business in my life, doctor. I don’t have pleasure. I just work. I believe that was our first argument before my appendix exploded. I told you I couldn’t deal with it until after the show.” They both remembered it perfectly, and she recalled how annoyed he was, and the speech he’d made her that there were some things in life that were more important than work, like her health. And she hadn’t listened to him, of course.

“That was very foolish,” he scolded her, “and you paid a big price for it, I’m afraid.” She nodded, thinking about it, and their eyes met as he set down the glass. “You’ve been well since I last saw you?” He looked at her as though it mattered to him, and she was touched. He was a kind man. She remembered thinking that she was sorry he was married, when she first noticed his wedding band. She looked again, and saw with some surprise that it was still there. He saw her glance, and nodded.

“It’s hard to give up old habits. I’m not sure I’m ready to be perceived as a single man.” It was an honest admission, and a big change for him, she knew, after twenty-seven years of marriage. He had been so adamant four months before that people needed to stay married, despite diverging paths, separate interests, and whatever other challenges they had to face, particularly if they had children. She wondered what had changed to finally make him give up the opinions he had then.

“I wore my wedding band for a long time too,” she said gently, and then decided to ask him. “What happened?”

He sighed and looked at her, as though facing the mystery of the ages. “To be honest with you, Timmie, I’m not sure. I just couldn’t do it anymore. We had the same arguments we always did, and I woke up one day, and I knew that if I did this for another year, it would kill me. We had become total strangers. I have great respect for her, and she’s the mother of my children after all. But our lives have been separate for years. We’re not even friends. We were beginning to hate each other. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I don’t want to be that person. I realized that I’m dead inside. Or at least I thought I was. Now I realize that the marriage was dead, not I. I’m not looking for anyone else. I just don’t want to hurt or feel that way anymore. I knew I had to get out.”

Timmie knew it was the sort of thing that did most marriages in, the vast rift that happened sometimes when people were too different, and only got worse if they forced themselves to stay together. They continued to drift further apart day by day. “Our marriage died somewhere along the way,” Jean-Charles continued very openly with her, “and everything we ever felt for each other died with it. I knew we had to finally bury it. It was cruel to both of us, and even our children, not to. It’s a terrible thing to end a marriage, but perhaps it’s worse to live that way.” It was almost exactly what she had said to him four months before. He hadn’t been ready to hear it then. And now she was amazed to hear him say it, given how normally proper, formal, and reticent he was about his personal life.

“How are the children taking it?” She knew divorce was far less common in France. In the States it was an ordinary occurrence, here it wasn’t as much so, and their reaction was likely to be stronger and different than what one would expect from kids in the States.

“We told them a few weeks ago. It was terrible. And I’m not entirely sure they believe us. My wife asked me to stay until the end of the school year, and I agreed to do it. We are selling our apartment, which will also be a big change for the children. Or my daughters anyway, both of them are still at home. My son is in medical school, so we rarely see him. It’s not an easy time for any of us.”

Timmie could tell just from looking at him that he felt extremely guilty. He had chosen his own relief and eventual happiness over theirs, and she knew from everything he had said to her before that it went against the grain of everything he believed in for him to do that. He was the last person she had expected to get divorced. And she knew he must truly have felt that his own survival was at stake to make such a serious decision. She sensed correctly that the last four months must have been rough, or simply the last straw. “I hope that eventually my daughters will forgive me. My son is older and a little bit more understanding. This was very hard on my wife and the girls.” She was suddenly reminded of Jade and all the agony her married boyfriend had gone through.

“They’ll adjust in time. Children always do. They love you. I’m sure this is very hard on you too. It’s a big change for all of you. When did you make the decision?”

“Just after Christmas. The holidays were a nightmare. I decided I just couldn’t do that again. So after agonizing a great deal over it, I decided not to stay. It was a terribly hard decision.” His eyes told her that it was. It was all very new, for all of them. Christmas had only been seven weeks before. Not even two months yet. He must have been struggling with planning to tell his children when she called him the month before. It was a hard time for him, of loss, adjustment, and change. An enormous change for them all.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, looking at him gently. She could see how difficult this was for him, and her heart went out to him. Their eyes met and held for a long silent moment.

“The marriage has been dead for years,” he said hoarsely.

“I sensed that,” she said carefully, “when we talked about it last October. But you had very different views about it then. I didn’t agree with you about staying in a bad marriage, but everyone has to come to these decisions on their own. I never had a chance to make the choice. My husband just hit me over the head with the news, and then left.” The news that he was leaving her, that he was gay, that he had a male lover he was madly in love with. And all of it just months after Mark’s death. Even now, she could hardly think of the trauma it had been for her without wanting to cry, and she could see that there were tears in Jean-Charles’s eyes. And without thinking, she reached out and took his hand in her own, just as he had once done for her when she was scared. “It’s going to be all right, you know. The children will get used to it. Your wife will be okay. You’ll find your feet again. It’s just a very hard time right now. But people adjust to these things. The pain and the frightening part don’t go on forever. Eventually, you won’t even feel guilty,” she said, smiling gently at him, as he nodded, grateful for her kindness, and even the warm gesture of her hand, which he hung on to. He didn’t want to let it go, and neither did Timmie. They were rediscovering their bond of four months before, and it was subtly different now. They were not patient and doctor, but woman and man. It was a more level playing field, for both of them, but there were no masks or roles to hide behind.

“It’s hard to imagine,” he said softly. “Thank you.”

Jade walked into the room then, to ask her something, saw that they were holding hands, and realized it was an awkward moment. She backed out of the room as quickly as she had come in, without saying anything, and closed the door.

“I’m sorry,” he said apologetically. “You must be busy.”

“Not at all,” she said in a comforting tone. Timmie had always been a very nurturing person. With her son gone for the past twelve years, and no man of importance in her life, she had lavished her time and affection on her employees, who loved her all the more for it. And now, listening to her, and the comforting things she had said to him, he could see the depth of her character and the warmth of her love, as he hadn’t been able to see in October, when she herself was so frightened. He could see now that she was on her feet again. Timmie was not only warm and giving, but rock solid. The traumas of her own past rarely showed, except in the compassion she felt for others. “We got everything done today. My assistants are just used to having access to me at all hours of the night and day,” she said, acknowledging Jade’s sudden appearance without knocking a moment before.

“They’re very lucky to have you to rely on.” He could see now what a tower of strength she was. She was not just powerful in the world, she was strong in her heart and soul and being. She would have had to be in order to survive all that she had gone through, from her son’s death to her husband’s betrayal, and all the horrors of her orphaned childhood. He remembered every detail of what she had told him, and admired her all the more for it. Now he could see where it had brought her, to a place of gentleness and kindness. Even though he had liked her before, he could see that he had underestimated her. She was truly a remarkable woman with a heart of gold.

“I’m very lucky to have them,” Timmie said about her employees. “They’re like my family. We spend an enormous amount of time together. They’re wonderful people.”

“So are you,” he said quietly. “I was very impressed by what you told me in the hospital last October. I haven’t forgotten it. I don’t know many people who have faced such enormous challenges, and who have still accomplished all that you have.”

“Don’t be too impressed,” she smiled. “Remember what a mess I was with my burst appendix. When bad things happen like that, I turn into a terrified five-year-old in about five minutes. Maybe we all do. I hate to admit it, but I don’t have the resilience I once had. Nowadays, the things that frighten me hit me much harder. Eventually the blows you’ve suffered take a toll.”

“I feel that way myself sometimes, about the erosion of time and life. I think the disappointments of our marriage wore me down more than I thought. I was so tired of the constant criticisms and accusations. I was tired of feeling I was never enough. The day we told our children that we’re getting divorced, I thought I would die when I saw them cry. I felt like I had killed them. It was a terrible thing to do to them. But in spite of that, I can’t stay.” He looked devastated as he said it, as Timmie’s eyes held his.

“You didn’t kill them,” she said sympathetically. “They just don’t know that yet. All they really need to know is that you still love them. That’s not going to change. Once they understand that, they’ll calm down, and everyone will feel better. They’ll get used to the change in time. And they’ll have their own lives. You have a right to yours.”

“I keep worrying that they’ll never forgive me,” he said sadly, with worried eyes.

“Children always forgive parents who love them.” She smiled then, and the light in her eyes touched his heart. “I even forgave mine for dying.” The agony her parents’ death had brought her had turned her childhood into a nightmare, and doomed her to a life in institutions and among strangers until she was an adult. But in the end it had made her a deeper, more caring person, and given her compassion for others’ failings, tragedies, and ills, just as she felt now for his.

“Thank you for listening to me. I don’t know why, but I knew you would understand … or maybe I do know why. You are a very strong woman with a kind heart,” Jean-Charles said quietly as they continued to hold hands.

“I’m no stronger than you are, Jean-Charles. This is all very recent. You made a very big decision, and your whole life is in an upheaval. I promise you, it will all settle down again.” She looked reassuring and calm, and he found himself soaking up the comfort of all she said.

He smiled looking at her, his eyes a deep vibrant blue. Hers were green and crystal clear. “Why is it that I believe you? You are a very soothing woman. And at the same time very convincing.” Everything about Timmie exuded strength.

“I think beyond the fear and guilt, you know what I’m saying is true.”

“Do you always speak the truth?” he asked her. It was an interesting question, which deserved an honest answer from her.

“As often as I can.” She smiled more broadly then. “Most of the time, people don’t like to hear it.” She remembered her last meeting with Zack as she said it. It was six weeks before, and she had never heard from him again, and knew she never would. Much to her own surprise, it no longer mattered. It was as though he had never existed in her life, and in fact, he hadn’t. All he had ever been was a convenience and an illusion. Jean-Charles was a deeply loving, caring man. She could see it in his eyes, and had known it since the previous October. She had viewed him differently then. He belonged to someone else. Now he seemed to be floating in space, trying desperately to find his footing. He wasn’t used to being on such slippery ground, and he was finding it hard to live with. Just talking to Timmie helped, more than he had ever expected. His intention when he asked to meet her for a drink was simply to spend an hour or two in her very charming company. Now, much to his own astonishment, he was finding it was something else. He had no idea what, but something about her stirred him deeply, and he felt a powerful, inexplicable, almost irresistible link to her.