First Time in Forever (30 page)

There was no room in life for dreaming.

She picked up a painting from the floor and paused, scanning the beautiful beach scene. “Is this one of Skylar’s?”

“It’s a watercolor she did when she was eighteen. She gave it to Kathleen as a thank-you for having her to stay. I admired it, and Kathleen left it to me. I love the colors. It’s like bringing part of the beach indoors.”

“Sky would be proud to know you love it enough to hang it on your wall.” Emily wrapped it carefully. “I know it meant a lot that Kathleen believed in her. Whenever we stayed, she made sure Sky had a place to paint. Her own parents didn’t do that for her. They thought her artistic talents detracted from what was important in life.” She slid the painting carefully into the box. “She comes from a family of lawyers, and they wanted her to be a lawyer, too.”

Agnes handed her a piece of tape. “The job of a parent is to nurture and guide, not kill dreams. What about you? What was your dream?”

“There wasn’t any room in my life for dreams.”

“And now?”

Something in the way Agnes was looking at her made her wonder if she’d guessed.

“I find it safer to focus on reality.” Emily kept her eyes down, closed the box and secured it with tape. “I’m going to find a house that will be a good home for us. Then think about work. There’s a property vacant on Harbor Road, not far from Summer Scoop. I’m thinking of maybe opening a boutique gift shop with a beach theme.” The idea had come to her in the night, and she’d felt a rush of excitement and anticipation. Instead of helping with other people’s businesses, why not start her own? “I want to sell everything from jewelry to shells and maybe small pieces for the home. I have to run some numbers. Ask a few questions. Do you think it’s a crazy idea?”

“I think it’s a good idea.” Agnes pushed another empty box toward her, and together they filled it while Emily waited for another text from Ryan telling them it was safe to go home. It never came. Instead, he came himself, taking the steps to Harbor House two at a time as the last ferry of the day sailed out into the bay on its journey across to the mainland.

Emily watched his approach from the large bay window and wondered if there was ever going to be a time when she could look at him and not want him.

Seeing him made her light-headed, as if she’d walked from darkness into the full glare of sunlight.

Fortunately she had herself under control by the time he walked into the room, and he answered her question before she asked it.

“He’s headed home. He won’t be bothering us again. Good thing he isn’t a travel journalist, or Puffin Island would be in for some seriously negative publicity about the state of our roads and the clueless nature of its inhabitants. He was persistent, I’ll give him that. He must have questioned every damn person on the island, even Hilda.”

“Hilda?” Emily put down the painting she’d been wrapping. “What did poor Hilda say?”

“She pretended to be deaf. She made him shout so loudly he had an audience stretching from the harbor to Puffin Point.”

Agnes laughed and walked to the door. “Talking of Lizzy, I’m going to see how she’s getting on with that doll’s house of Rachel’s.” She walked out of the room, leaving them alone, and Emily wondered how it was possible to feel self-conscious and awkward after everything they’d done together.

“I can’t believe everyone did that for Lizzy.”

“And you.” His voice softened. “They did it for you, too. It can take a long time for mainlanders to be accepted here, but you’ve thrown yourself into island life and you’ve been officially adopted.”

“Oh—” Her eyes filled, and she realized how ridiculous it was to feel like crying over something she should be celebrating.

And she knew her tears had nothing to do with her status as an islander, and everything to do with the way she felt about him.

In the past few weeks, she’d learned so many things and faced things she’d buried for most of her life. Now, instead of protecting herself from emotion, she was flooded by it.

She was starting to wonder if the dream of living here was really going to work.

Now she’d started feeling again, she didn’t want to stop. And she wasn’t sure she could hide it.

“Thank you. I don’t even want to think about how that might have turned out if you hadn’t done what you did. All of you. And please thank the group from the marine center.” She scrambled to her feet. “Lizzy and I will come back tomorrow and help Agnes finish up.”

“Why would you leave?”

“Because in a minute Lizzy will come downstairs and see you, and then she won’t want to let you go.” Avoiding his gaze, she stacked the last of the boxes by the door. “The ones with the black mark can be recycled. The red mark means they can go to the charity store. The green means Agnes is taking it when she moves.”

There was a tense silence.

“What if I don’t want to let her go? What if I don’t want to let
you
go?”

“I’m taking the box by the door over to Lisa because there are some toys that Summer and Harry might—” She broke off and stared at him. “What did you just say?”

“What if I don’t want to let you go?”

There was a clatter and thump from upstairs, but for once Emily didn’t rush to investigate. She trusted Agnes, and anyway, her feet were glued to the floor. “I don’t know what you mean.”

He closed the door, giving them privacy. “I want to talk about us.”

Us.

Such a small, simple word to hold such deep significance. “There can’t be an us, Ryan.”

“There already is.” He crossed the room to her and took her face in his hands. “There’s been an ‘us’ from the first day you opened the door to me. There was an ‘us’ when you trusted me with your secret, when you asked me to teach you to swim, when you let me take you out in a boat and when you let me take you to bed. There was an ‘us’ when I came to the hospital, and when you told me you didn’t want me in your life. If there hadn’t been an ‘us,’ you wouldn’t have felt the need to say that.”

“I said it because Lizzy fell in love with you. I’m protecting her feelings.”

“And what about you?” His voice was soft, his gaze holding hers. “What about your feelings?”

“How I feel doesn’t matter. I can’t let it matter. There’s too much at stake.” She felt as if she were teetering on the edge of a crumbling cliff with everything secure about to disintegrate beneath her feet.

“Do you know what I think, Emily Donovan?” His voice was husky and warm. “I think you’re using Lizzy as an excuse. I think the reason you can’t let it matter isn’t because you’re afraid for Lizzy, but because you’re afraid for yourself. I think what’s at stake isn’t Lizzy’s heart, but your own. You’re scared. You’ve gone through life avoiding anything that threatens your emotions and that included picking men who wouldn’t make you feel deeply.”

She swallowed hard. “What does that say about me?”

“That you were scared. Love scares you, so you stayed in the shallow end of the relationship pool, picking guys who could never put your heart in danger. But I taught you to swim, Emily.” He ran his thumb gently over her cheek. “I taught you how to kick and stay afloat. I taught you what to do when a riptide grabs you. It’s important to make good decisions, but you don’t have to let fear hold you back, sweetheart.”

The endearment ripped at her. “Are we talking about love or swimming?”

“Both. Loving Lizzy has been hard for you, and I think it’s scary for you to admit you love me, too.”

Her heart skipped a beat. The fact that he knew left her feeling raw and exposed, like a sea creature left stranded on the beach when the tide retreated. “Aren’t you a little sure of yourself?”

His mouth tilted into a crooked smile. “Honey, I wasn’t sure at all. I was upset that you’d pushed me away. I thought you weren’t interested. It was Agnes who made me see the truth. You associate love with being hurt, and you’re afraid I’ll hurt you. You’re protecting yourself.”

Why would she deny the truth? If she was honest, maybe he’d respect her wishes and stay away, instead of making things harder. “Yes.”

“You’ve lived your life doing that, caring for yourself, protecting yourself. You learned how to heal yourself, nurture yourself, and part of the way you did that was to cut out the things that threatened you. Children. Love.”

“It worked better for me that way. But Lizzy is my family now. I had no choice about that, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. Skylar was right that sometimes the worst things can turn out to be the best. When the time is right, I’m going to formally adopt her.”

“It never crossed my mind you’d do anything else. What would you say if I told you what I want is to spend the rest of my life trying to stop anything from hurting you and Lizzy? What would you say if I told you I want you both in my life?”

She took a few unsettled breaths, trying to listen to her head and not her heart. Trying to use reason and not emotion. “You value your independence. The ability to come and go as you please. You told me you didn’t plan on giving that up anytime soon. This relationship can’t be a revolving door, Ryan. You can’t come and go as it suits you.” Because she didn’t trust emotion not to defeat reason, she pulled away from him and started to walk across the room, but he caught her arm and hauled her back to him.

“Damn it, Emily, I don’t want a revolving door. I want to walk through it and stay. I want to lock it and throw away the key. I’m telling you I want to be with you. Both of you. I’m telling you I love you.”

At first the words floated on the surface of her brain without penetrating. Then she assumed she’d misheard. “I— What?” She wondered if wishful thinking had conjured the words in her head. Had he really said that aloud?

“I love you.”

“No, you don’t. You love your freedom. You love being able to go with the wind and the tide.”

“Yes. But there comes a time when what feels right is to drop anchor and stay a while in the same place. For me, that time is now.”

She looked at him and saw her feelings mirrored in his eyes. “Ryan—”

“If this new, fledgling family of yours is looking for extra members, I thought I might apply. I can give you my résumé if you like, but you’ll find I’m well qualified in certain aspects of child care including, but not limited to, rescuing soft toys from dangerous circumstances.”

In all her life she’d never known a feeling like this one. She didn’t know how to express everything in her head and her heart.

“I—Ryan—I don’t know what to say.”

“I want you to say yes to my question.”

“Did you ask me a question?”

“Not yet, but I’m about to.” He pulled his hand out of his pocket and handed her a box. “Will you marry me?”

Emotion swelled inside her, and her eyes filled. She opened the box and stared down at the sparkling diamond through eyes misted with tears.

“Ryan—”

“Will you trust me with Lizzy? Will you trust me with your heart? Can you do that?”

The cliff gave way beneath her feet, but instead of falling she was flying. “Yes.” The word was almost inaudible, so she said it again. “Yes. Oh, yes.”

And then he was kissing her, his mouth hard and demanding, his hands possessive and protective. Somewhere through the mists of passion, she heard the door opening, and she pulled away to see Lizzy peeping around the door with Agnes behind her.

“Can we come in, Ryan? Have you done it?”

Her hand still locked in the front of his shirt, Emily glanced up at him. “You told her to stay away?”

“I told her I had something important to ask you.”

“He said it was private.” Lizzy skipped across the room, and he scooped her up.

Watching the two of them together, Emily felt her heart flutter.

“Lizzy, we have something to tell you.”

“I already know.” She leaned her head against Ryan’s shoulder, blond curls brushing against dark. “Ryan loves us. I told you that in the hospital, but you didn’t believe me. Can we go and see the puffins again soon? Can we go sailing and eat waffles?”

“Yes.” Emily’s voice was muffled as Ryan pulled her close with his other arm. “Yes, we can do all those things.”

Agnes walked into the room, a smile on her face. “Tilly is on the phone. You called her about a rental, but I told her it was a mistake.”

Emily eased away from Ryan’s grip, wondering how she was supposed to focus on the practical when her head was spinning. “But Brittany is coming home, and I still need to find somewhere to live.”

She saw Ryan exchange a look with Agnes and smile.

“You don’t need to find somewhere to live.” He lowered Lizzy to the window seat that overlooked the harbor. “I happen to know of a large family home with a sea view that’s not even on the market yet. It will be perfect for us.”

*

Keep reading for an excerpt from SUDDENLY LAST SUMMER by Sarah Morgan.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Without my brilliant editor, Flo Nicoll, writing would be nowhere near as much fun or as productive. I’m grateful for her wise comments and the insight she offers on each book.

I’m thankful to my agent, Susan Ginsburg, and the team at Writers House who continue to be a wonderful source of support and encouragement in my career, and to the fantastic teams at Harlequin UK and HQN in the US who work so hard to put my books into the hands of readers.

Thanks to my husband for answering my questions on sailing, for not drowning me whenever he’s taken me out on the water and for not rolling his eyes when I hung over the side moaning like a drama queen.

Developing a new series is always fun and exciting. I’m grateful to fellow author and friend Nicola Cornick for always being on the end of the phone when I hit a plot problem and to Andrew Cornick for generously allowing me to use his beautiful photographs of puffins on my website.

My two sons bought me a colony of soft toy puffins to act as inspiration on my desk, thus providing further proof of my family’s support of my unusual profession.

My final thanks go to my readers, who cheer me daily with their kind emails, Tweets and Facebook comments. Thank you for buying my books. You’re the best.

Sarah