Fish Out of Water (31 page)

She nods. “I hope you can work things out. Dylan seems like a really sweet boy.”

“He is,” I manage to get out. Everyone kept telling me how great he was, how funny and attractive and kind. All I focused on was his flaws. I suck in a breath before I get worked up again. “Um, can you maybe call my boss and tell him I’m not coming? I’m…too scared to go. I can’t do it today.”

She doesn’t seem pleased with my decision, but says, “Okay. How long?”

“Not sure. I have over a week of vacation time saved up. Just tell him I’ll be back when I feel better. He’ll understand. He knows.” Clark even said I could quit. Surely he won’t fault me on this.

“I’ll call him right now.” Mom shuts the door behind her, and I go back to my bed and crawl under the covers. I try to fall back asleep, but all I can think about is Dylan at work, what he might think of me not showing up. Will he be relieved? Sad? The selfish part of me hopes he’s sad, because I still want him to want me.

Like I want him.

#

I spend the rest of the week in the pursuit of the perfect oatmeal. It feels silly, but it’s also a good distraction, a goal, and maybe even a way to pay for what I did. Because Grandma stands over me every day, her scowl firmly in place as she watches.

“Too runny.”

“Too thick.”

“That tastes like sweetened cement.”

“Not even a starving cat would eat that.”

“Can’t you figure this out? It’s just oatmeal! What’s so hard about making a decent bowl of oatmeal?”

On Wednesday, Grandma upgrades me from “edible” to “not bad.” It is an oddly triumphant moment, since getting any compliment from her is a miracle. Which makes me think of how Dylan must have felt all summer. I guess I’m a lot more like my grandma than I ever thought. It is not a good feeling.

By Friday, I feel like I’m getting close to this mystical oatmeal concoction my great aunt Grace invented. It’s less brown sugar than I thought. More cinnamon than seems necessary. It has to be cooked in milk, not water. And a pinch of salt brings out the flavors to Grandma’s liking.

Still, she stands over me without so much as a hint of acceptance on her face. The one thing I’m changing today is saving the raisins for after it’s done. In the hospital she said they came last, but I’ve put them in like that and she still complains. Yesterday she gave me a clue when she whined about them having “no bite.” So instead of cooking them, I’m sprinkling them on top after I pour her serving so they stay chewy.

I fill a bowl, put the raisins on top, and hand it to her. She inspects it like the world’s foremost expert in oatmeal. Maybe she is. Dipping her spoon in, she takes a small bite and sloshes it in her mouth for what seems like forever. Then she looks at me, not a smile in sight, “Now was that so hard?”

I raise an eyebrow. “Does that mean I did it right?”

She takes the bowl to the table. “Took you long enough.”

I shake my head, trying to feel the victory of this moment no matter how hard she’s making it. Clearly she likes it, because she’s shoveling it in her mouth much faster than she ever has.

“Good job, Mika!” Joel smiles at me, and that makes up for Grandma’s lack of excitement. “Your determination won the day.”

I laugh. “As long as she’s eating, right?”

He nods. “That will get more and more true as time passes.”

“Yeah.” I watch her, knowing there will come a time when her body forgets how to chew and swallow entirely. Today she is eating something she loves, and it was worth all the trouble.

As I make myself some toast, I can feel Joel watching me. He’s been kind enough to keep coming though I’ve been home all week. Honestly, his company is more than welcome. He truly has a gift for turning any moment into a happier one.

“I’ve been really good not to ask,” he finally says. “But you keep missing work and you don’t seem very sick.”

I sigh. “I don’t?”

“It’s about Dylan, right?” He nods when I pause mid-bite. “I knew it. You have heartbreak written all over you.”

“Fine, you’re right, but I don’t want to talk about it. Not yet.”

“Alright. I will provide chocolate and gossip and be patient.”

“Thanks.” It feels like I’ve become incapable of making any decision. Even after a whole week, Dylan hasn’t changed our relationship status. It makes me hope, but at the same time I worry he’s waiting for me to do it. One moment I want to apologize and beg him to take me back, and the next I’m too scared to hear him say it’s really over. So instead I do nothing but stay at home and make oatmeal.

#

It’s impossible for me to sleep in on Saturdays. Even without an alarm, my eyes pop open at five-thirty and I’m awake for good. So even though it’s depressing, I find myself getting ready for yet another morning at the beach by myself. I don’t take much, just a few tools to make my castle more elaborate than last week’s tribute to Shreya’s friendship.

It’s probably too cold to be out today, but I brought a warm enough jacket and I can’t be home anymore. It’s starting to feel like a prison. I need to do something besides staring at my Facebook account and taking care of Grandma.

Lovers Point is fairly abandoned, with only a few die-hard runners facing the wind and threatening clouds. I lock my bike and head down the cliff to the empty beach, happy I have my pick of building spots. I choose a place behind a jagged rock, where the wind isn’t so bad, and get to work.

Without Shreya around, I feel no need to plan anything exciting. I just want to make something pretty, something to help me escape for a day. Packing sand in an L shape, I go by instinct. Add towers haphazardly. Place doors and arches wherever I feel. As the morning goes on and the sun begins to beat back the cold, I imagine myself in this odd castle where nothing quite makes sense and it’s wonderful. It doesn’t have to make sense because it’s just for me.

Though it’s not a huge sculpture, I start to hear cameras clicking pictures. But I don’t look up. I’m in my own sandy world, and I never want to leave.

I have no idea what time it is when I hear a familiar voice say, “Why don’t you add a goldfish to the top? That’ll put the final crazy stamp on it.”

I pause, my eyes going wide. When I turn, there Shreya stands, smiling from ear to ear. And then I’m jumping up and hugging her and I think that squealing sound is me, too. “What are you doing here? I thought you were working on restaurant renovations.”

I didn’t think it was possible, but her smile gets even bigger. “I have been, but I needed to tell you something.”

Chapter 48

My eyebrows pop up, though I don’t dare to hope too much. “What?”

She laughs. “Well, Olivia told me about this crazy chick who stormed my parents’ restaurant, cussed them out, and then stole someone’s take-out order. Do you know anything about that?”

I cringe. “I’m never living that down, am I?”

“Nope.” She grabs my arms. “But I wanted to thank you for being that crazy chick, who is still my best friend in the whole wide world.”

“I am?” My heart hurts, thinking about how much I wasn’t there for her this summer.

She nods. “Of course you are! Anyone who can yell at my parents like that for me is a keeper. Not that it helped in the slightest, but it reminded me that there’s no way I can go months without seeing you.”

“What does that mean?” The hope, it’s threatening to kill me.

“It means…” Shreya looks back, and that’s when I notice a blond woman waving at us. Then I realize it’s Rachelle. She must have driven Shreya here. “I told Pavan I need to keep sculpting on Saturdays, and Rachelle agreed to drive me here every week!”

I scrunch my face, determined not to cry. “I’m so happy right now I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Me either!” She bounces around in a little circle. “I know it’s not totally the same, but it’s better than nothing, right?”

“Way better than nothing.” Maybe we won’t see each other at school anymore, and I’ll still miss her like crazy during the week. But as long as I can have her on Saturdays, I’ll never complain. “I can catch you up every week.”

She smiles. “Then get to it, because Olivia mentioned you’ve been through some rough stuff, but she said it’d be better if you told me.”

That Olivia. I need to buy her a present. “So, Dylan finally called, and—” I look away, the loss still a constant ache. “Can we sculpt something while I talk? I don’t think I’ll get through it any other way.”

“Of course!”

We pack more sand a short distance from my crazy castle, and I spill it. Every little detail. It only makes me regret everything even more, because now it seems like I obviously overreacted to Dylan going. How I wish I’d just believed he would come back, like I told Clark when I first read his note.

Hindsight sucks.

“It doesn’t have to be over,” Shreya says, trying to sound positive but it doesn’t quite ring true. “He said he’s in love with you. That doesn’t just go away.”

“I know…” The words are so hard to say out loud, though I’ve thought them over and over for a whole week. “But maybe it
should
go away. Maybe he should be with someone who deserves him.”

“Mika.” Her hand comes down on mine, and I look at her sincere eyes. “You
do
deserve him. He made a mistake—you made one, too. That doesn’t mean you have to torture yourself and let him move on!”

That fear wells up again, the one that freezes me in place. “I don’t know, Shrey. You didn’t see how sad he was. Because of me. I can’t do that to him anymore.”

She shakes her head, almost laughing like she can’t believe I’m so dumb. “Then don’t! You know how to make him happy—if he can change, so can you.”

“I’ll think about it.” I go back to the sculpture, which is an anime cat because that’s what Shreya wanted to make. The more I think about asking him to give me another chance, the more my hands shake. If he said no, then it would really be over. There wouldn’t be any hope left to hold on to. I’m not sure I can handle that kind of pain when limbo is already so horrible.

After we finish our little cat, Rachelle takes us out for ice cream and we kidnap Olivia for an afternoon movie at my house. Rachelle is nice enough to claim she needs to shop and will be back in a few hours.

Once I clean off the beach grunge, I join them in the living room. “You haven’t picked a movie yet?”

“It’s so much pressure!” Olivia says as she looks over our DVDs. “We only get one movie with Shrey a week.”

“Oh gosh,” Shreya says through a mouthful of popcorn. “I don’t care.”

I sit on the couch next to my grandma, who seems slightly perturbed by my friends taking over her TV. “Do you want to pick, Grandma?”

“The one with the giant,” she says immediately.

I smirk. “
The Princess Bride
? I thought you didn’t like that one.”

She tips her chin up. “I changed my mind. Can’t a person change their mind without getting the third degree?”

“Okay, okay.” I hold my hands up, trying not to laugh. “We’ll put it in, but you have to promise not to get mad when we repeat all the lines.”

“I bet we could act this out from memory,” Shreya says.

“For sure.” Olivia puts in the movie, and we settle in to watch.

Despite Grandma claiming to like it now, she gives the screen a big old crusty glare as we watch Westley and Buttercup do their “As You Wish” thing. “I hate this part. That girl is so stupid.”

I snort. Here it comes. For a woman who has memory issues, she is shockingly predictable sometimes. “Don’t knock Buttercup. She’s a product of her time.”

“That’s not what I meant.” She points at the screen, where Westley and Buttercup are saying their goodbyes. “There! She lets him leave. If she really loved him, she wouldn’t let him leave. Stupid girl.”

I knew that’s what she’d say, and yet it hits me very differently today. “But what if she knows he needs to go?”

“Why does he need to? They’re already happy together—why do they need money to marry? It’s stupid.” She folds her arms, upset. “Letting the people you love leave is stupid.”

My heart pounds as I take in the words. “Do you regret that? Letting the people you love go away?”

Her eyes meet mine, full of surprise like she’s been caught. Then she looks away, sadness weighing down her frame. “It’s my greatest regret. I never tried to stop Martin or Stan or Greg…I figured if they didn’t want to be around me, I shouldn’t make them. But I should have tried. Maybe things would have been different if I did.”

I tackle her into a hug, and she lets out a shocked screech. I don’t care, because her words have given me courage, and I have to act on it before it fizzles out. “Thank you, Grandma. I needed that.”

“Get off me!” she wails. “Don’t touch me!”

“Guys, will you watch her?” Leaping off the couch, I run for the door. “I need to go right now.”

“It’s about time!” I hear one of them say before I slam the front door behind me. Grabbing my bike, I head for AnimalZone as fast as I can.

Chapter 49

I skid to a stop in front of the store and don’t bother to lock my bike. When I burst through the door, Tanya the Gumsmacker gives me a what-the-hell look, but I don’t care. I round the corner to Aquatics, my heart pounding like crazy in anticipation of seeing Dylan.

He’s not there.

I frown, but maybe he’s helping a customer or in the storage room or on break. I check every aisle, and when each one comes up blank I begin to panic. He needs to be here. I need to say this now before I freeze up and chicken out forever.

He’s not in storage either.

The break room is empty, and it makes my soul sink. Why is he not here? I was sure he’d be working today, like destiny would make it turn out perfectly. But what if he gave up? What if he couldn’t take working here anymore, either?

Clark pops his head out of his office, and his eyes go wide when he catches sight of me. “Mika! What are you doing here?”